To give up on DP's kids? Resentment is becomming oh too obvious

[StarklyDoesIt]

Firstly, DP and his ex were split long before I met him, nothing to do with me.

When I first met his kids (mid teens at the time) they were really quiet with me, made no attempt at conversation and was bordering on cold shouldering me. They're just shy DP assured me. I took his word for it.

In time, youngest started to warm up, talked to me a lot more and now we get on really well. Eldest started to become more sociable with me too and although he never initiated conversation, he would engage it if I started it.

So for a while I thought everything was ok, never going to be best mates but friendly is all I ask for.

Now, things seem to be going wayward again. For a start, eldest is refusing to come most weekends (they used to come every saturday night without fail) saying he's "tired". When he does come he's arsey with me, if I try and talk to him he barely looks at me and gives one word answers. No idea why, we've had no crossed words or anything.

Now more recently, their mum has told DP that youngest might not want to come every week as he's "tired" but doesn't want to say anything incase it upsets DP. This could just be down to their ages but it all seems to be coming at once.

Anyway to cut long story short, I think they really resent me. They used to go on holidays abroad with their parents every year and since they split the lads have not left the country as their mun won't travel and has talked them out of going with their dad saying she'll "miss them too much" if they do. Meanwhile, they see me going off on yearly holidays with their dad instead.

Thing is I'm being made to feel guilty when none of this is my fault. It's not my fault their parents split, it's not my fault their mum refuses to work so has little money, it's not my fault she won't take them abroad and it's not my fault they can't come abroad with us. Yet DP tells me stuff like "oh well, DSS2 was talking about America in the car and could we go, I said I'd speak to you about it and he said "well if Starkly doesn't want to go that means we don't get to go doesn't it." and "DS1 doesn't want to see our holiday snaps posted all over facebook when the furthest he's been is cornwall, no wonder he's upset and doesn't want to know us."

Now I'm sorry but I work full time, I work hard and I've never done anything to hurt anyone so why the hell should I feel guilty for going on holiday and for having a decent house etc? (another one of DPs comments were "the poor kids, stuck in that little terrace house whilst we're living in this big detached house." He says it in a way that implies I should feel guilty but no, why should I? I don't mean to sound cold but its not my fault their mum makes a career out of benefits. I've never said this to them of course but the problem lies with the fact that she spent her entire life living off DP and now he's gone she's back to basics. I'm not living off him, I work. So I won't feel guilty for what I have.

The latest one is that we've arranged a camping trip for the end of August. I was quite looking forward to it until I say the way DP has tried to sell it to his kids:

"I'm taking you and your brother away camping in August". No mention of me or my kids who are also part of this - because he knows full well his kids (or rather his eldest) won't want to go if he knows I'm going.

AIBU to just give up trying with them and do my own thing? including letting them do this camping thing on their own since I'm clearly not welcome? I've already started working most weekends as it's made really obvious that they'd all rather me not be around during access visits. His eldest is almost 19 btw which, IMO is too old to be pussy footed around by other adults.

[FrankSaysNo]

I agree with you.

[Montegomongoose]

I feel for you, this is such a drain of your energy. It does sound like your DH is not managing this situation at all.

I would be questioning the relationship to be honest. You feel unheard and he seems ok with his kids resenting you.

Don't waste your own kid's childhood waiting for him to sort himself and his baggage out.

[kinkyfuckery]

How old are the children?

You don't like the ex wife, do you?

For reference, I'm pretty sure she was at home bringing up his children, rather than "living off" him.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

I'd question my relationship too, you've worked hard to give your kids something, so why does your DP seem intent on making you feel guilty.

[StarklyDoesIt]

It's not that I don't like her, I've never met her. I just hate the fact that I'm expected to feel guilty because of their lifestyle. Is she still at home bringing up a 17 and 19 year old or could she get a job now? Of course she could get a job or at least attempt it but instead she's sat at home day and day, putting guilt trips on their kids about going on holiday with their father.

[cardibach]

I think every weekend is a bit much, to be honest. I've posted on another thread about the importance of visits to NRP, but every weekend must affect the relationship with their mother, and with their friends if there is any distance between their households. Maybe talk about going eow and they may be more open to spending time with you. YANBU about the holidays - your DP should be working on the mother to allow the children to travel with you if that is what they want. Out of interest, why wouldn't you want the America trip?

[kinkyfuckery]

Oh god, you're upset about a 17 and a 19 year old not wanting to come and play happy families with their father and his girlfriend and (presumably younger?) kids every weekend??

They're nearly adults FFS, I think they're capable of making those decisions themselves and not involving the evil ex wife at all!

[phantomnamechanger]

how old are your kids and do they live with you and DP?
Is he like a dad to them?
I'm just wondering if the resentment is to do with other children living with their dad now, rather than you per se.
There is no reason you cant do UK holidays if their mum does not want them leaving the Uk. Or days at theme parks, cinema, bowling etc, some of which should be just them and their dad, some should be with you and your kids too.
Has their mum got another partner? and what was the cause of the split?
I can see them finding it hard to accept you if their dad left their mum, and is now living happily in a new family, while she is lonely and miserable.

[kinkyfuckery]

I missed the mid-teens reference in the OP

[Pippioddstocking]

It sounds like your stuck in the middle , it's often easier for children to "blame " a new partner for all their frustrations rather than their own parents.
I'm not sure you can win in this situation . I do feel sorry for the children , and the mother to some extent ( it doesn't sound like she is having an easy time either) , however your right, you shouldn't put YOUR life on hold for all of them .
Try if you can to rise above it and hopefully one day the children will see how unfairly they have treated you .

[GemmaWella81]

Yanbu.... You'll never win though

Similar problem in my family, my step fathers children utterly despise my siblings, me, and my mother. We had no involvement in the parental breakup but they treat us like cunts.

It's nice to be hated for having the audacity to not fall out of the same vagina they did...

[StarklyDoesIt]

No see that's the opposite Kinky of how I feel. I think "Jesus, I would have hated "access weekends" at the age of 18!! All weekend stuck at home with daddy? no thanks" ... I was making excuses to get out of access weekends at the age of 11 myself.! What annoys me is that I'm getting the blame for it. DP makes little comments like "well of course they won't want to come when they know they could have lived in a house like this." and "of course they won't want to come on holiday to the Dales with us when they know we've just got back from somewhere abroad" etc etc.

It's not just a case of "oh well, they're adults now, whatever!" its a case of "oh my, look what your existence is causing"

[StarklyDoesIt]

Their mum divorced HIM. Not sure if they're aware of that though but it was completely her decision to split.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

If thats how you feel Starkly, you need a have a serious chat with your DP about it.

[scallopsrgreat]

Your problem is with your DP not a 17 and a 19 yr old. I'd by looking at why his ex had to prime the way for his 17yr old to say they don't want to come all the time? As in what her and the 17yr olds concerns were.

Not surprised she divorced him if he is normally this passive aggressive.

[Player67]

Great support on this website

www.childlessstepmums.co.uk/forum/

[ApocalypseThen]

They're too old for access weekends - the older one must be in university? Also, their mother's situation isn't your fault, as you say, but I don't see her saying it is, so why so nasty?

[pickles184]

I actually think that you should do more with them rather than give up on them.
They are at an age where they are more inclined to surly behaviour without adding the upheaval and disruption that they have faced.
Try putting yourself in their shoes and see it from their point of view. Hopefully it will help you calm down and start being more positive with them.

I would be worried about the 'too tired' to be at your home as well, sounds like they don't feel they can relax and be comfortable at the home they share with you and their Dad at the weekends.

I truly understand it must be frustrating for you yo have them using you as a scapegoat for missing out on holidays. Do you make sure that they are asked along and made to feel like they are really wanted when you go on your holidays, even if they are going to say no due to guilt trips?

Sorry don't mean to sound accusing, it is hard on you too, but I am pretty sure they are feeling it worse than you right now.

[Itsfab]

Your DP is the one at fault here. He is being a prick.

[ABigKidDidItAndRanAway]

I'm confused about the America comment too, do they want to go to the states but think you are what is stopping them?

They are adults and won't live with their mother much longer, they can go on holiday without her.

[Thumbwitch]

YANBU to be utterly pissed off that your DP seems to be laying the blame for his children's lack of happiness at your door, as it really is not your fault at all.

But YABU to give up on the kids because of it - it's not their fault that their Dad is blaming it all on you either!
Equally, it's not their fault that their mother doesn't work, nor that she plays emotional blackmail games - in fact, they're copping it worse than you are, at least you still get to do the good holidays and so on.

In terms of the camping trip, I agree that it might be an idea to let your DP go by himself with the boys, since you think that is what they're expecting and you believe his DS1 won't want to come if you're there (I'll take your word for it that you can feel resentment from him)

But. Please don't you fall into the trap of blaming the wrong person/people for this situation - it's your DP who is at the bottom of this resentment, not his kids.

[Darkesteyes]

Starkly what does yr DP do for a job and is it the same one he did while he was with his ex.

Is it that she couldn't get a job when the kids were small because of yr DPs hours. If she had done would the cost of childcare have come out of both their wages or just hers.
Or did they agree that she would be SAHM.

What exactly does he mean when he says "they could have lived in a house like this" Does he resent his ex for not working and therefore doesn't see childcare as work?

Also if she has been SAHM for a long while it might not be easy for her to get a job after all this time.

And how long ago did they spilt?

[Darkesteyes]

If they had spilt for a long time before you met then perhaps her "making a career of benefits" might have been because she couldn't afford childcare to enable her to work after he left.

[Darkesteyes]

Having said that he shouldn't be guilt tripping you Wonder if he did the same to his ex.

[Viviennemary]

I agree that at 17 and 19 they are too old for family get togethers every weekend. They want to do their own thing and see their own friends. And I don't think it's unusual that they want a camping holiday on their own with their Dad without you tagging along.