About my brother helping

[mr405]

I'm a 19 year old university student, and have created this account to get the opinions of people other than my peers.

I am back home for the summer holidays, and have got a full time job to earn some much needed money (didn't want to work full time but this was the only job I could get). However I haven't worked for 2 of the past 4 weeks but am working full time for the next 6.

The weeks I haven't been working and have been at home, if I haven't got plans for the day I do tidying/cleaning/chores/run errands/cook dinner etc. I think it's only fair that if I'm at home, I help out as both my parents work full time.

However, I have a 17 year old brother who is on holiday after his first year at sixth form. He hasn't got a job this summer. He spends his entire time watching tv or on his laptop and doesn't do ANYTHING to help around the house. He only helps if I tell him to do a job and even then it's done hours later and usually only half heartedly.

He has got no work from college to do and no employment, so I don't think there are any excuses why he shouldn't help around the house. I feel so resentful that I have to do everything and work 5 days a week. When I've said this to my Mum, her reply is "oh everyone has that attitude so they do nothing and it's all left to me". This is not true, I feel so guilty if I don't do any housework or help that I end up doing it all so she doesn't get angry or stressed that the house is left the same way or dirtier/messier everyday.

Am I being unreasonable? I just want him to pull his weight around the house.

[mr405]

I should add this happens most holidays, however his excuse for previous holidays has been he has to revise.

I tend to be revising as well during these holidays yet end up doing all the housework on top of that. This Easter I actually went back to University early to revise in order to avoid this situation as I got so upset and stressed by it at Christmas

[amyhamster]

It's very hard to come back to the family home when you're still at university
All the independence you've had feels gone as soon as you step foot back home
I'd try to get vacation work where your at uni in future so you don't have to come back
Well done in helping your mum though

[tiggerkid]

Completely understand why you feel annoyed. A 17-year old brother isn't a baby, so should definitely help. Whether or not he can be made to help is another matter. Perhaps, it's worth a family conversation in which you will draw up some sort of rota to take turns with tidying, cleaning and other jobs? My sister and I had one growing up. Obviously may not work but just a thought.

[whois]

Feel for you but it's your mum and dad who have fucked it up and let him act like this.

Does your dad do anything around the house?

You could present a nice rota to your mum and dad with your brother on it. Say you're going to do your share but your mum and dad have to get your brother to do his?

[MorphineDreams]

What was you doing when you was 17?

[mr405]

whois My Dad does help around the house and does the garden, as he works long hours it tends to be at the weekends. He also regularly helps with cooking/washing up. I can see there could be a link with him doing nothing and my brother doing nothing but I don't think that's the case.

MorphineDreams I had a Saturday job at a local cafe, and volunteered at my local library two mornings a week to have extra experience when applying to university. I also helped around the house, I'd say I've done same amount of helping/chores since I was 16 during the holidays

Thanks for the few suggestions of a rota - we've tried it before but could always give it another go.

[MorphineDreams]

I think you should take a step back from this, you're his sister not his mum. I learned the hard way because, like you, I had younger brothers who weren't pulling their weight. They ended up resenting me.

It's up to your parents, not you. Although I appreciate it's hard for you! I would talk more to your mum and say how it's getting you down.

[Optimist1]

Since your mother is the one who has to deal with the situation on a year-round basis, I think she's the one who's got to tackle this. If she doesn't, she's running the risk that he will never move out! However, if she honestly doesn't see the unfairness of the current state of affairs she won't want to instigate any change. (My sister has always done everything for her boys to the extent that said "boys" are still having their laundry done, packed lunches made, etc now they're in their 30's.)

I agree with whois that your parents are to blame, and commend you on choosing to be as helpful as you can.

[mr405]

I agree that my parents have let him get like this. I don't know if it's because he the youngest or the only son (I have an older sister who lives away from home) but they have always made excuses and exceptions for him. Example, it has become clear that he has done badly in his first year of college and exams. Instead of seeing that he doesn't do much work (which is painfully obvious to me and my older sister when she's been about) my mum will blame other factors- oh he picked hard subjects, he doesn't get on with his teacher, his teacher isn't very good...

I wish I could just get on with my job and let the inevitable happen- him doing nothing all day every day- but my mum works hard at a very stressful job and don't want to cause her extra stress and trouble

I wish my parents could just see the situation from my point of view and be harder on him if that makes sense

[AMumInScotland]

I think both being the youngest and being a boy tend to make parents let them away with more than they should.

I can see why it is aggravating, but it's not your job to sort this out for your mum, only to try to make things a little better, or at least not worse, while you are home.

Can you get him to join in with chores while you are doing them? I can see that giving him a task to do and leaving him to it hasn't worked. But maybe if you said, "Right I'll wash while you wipe" or "Here you vaccuum while I dust" might prod him into some activity.

Coming back 'home' after a year of university changes your perspective on things, and makes you question why people put up with things, or why they are lazy little sods who don't lift a finger. You might be able to get him, or your mum, to see things differently, but to be honest it's not that likely. If he's been this lazy the rest of the year, your mum probably doesn't think it's worth the effort involved in trying to get him to change.

[BlackeyedSusan]

he's a boy, hes so pwecious that he can not be made to do the oh so insignificant housework...

[sarcastic]

YADNBU!

[mr405]

AMumInScotland I totally agree with your post. I doubt (judging by previous experience) saying anything to my Mum will change much.

It also makes me upset because I get on well with my other otherwise, he can be funny and good company, but when we're both at home I end up totally resenting him and find it hard not to nag at him to do stuff. This isn't the relationship I want with my brother.

All I can hope is that with me working full time and him being on holiday (when I was working full time earlier he was at college) my Mum will realise she has to say something to him and notice that nothing much is getting done. I don't want to be getting home in the evenings and manically start doing the chores before she gets in, nor do I want to spend my weekends doing what he should've done during the week.

[whois]

Sounds like your dad has a good work ethic - does he ever try and get your brother to do anything with him in the garden for example?

Bit of a golden child syndrome going on by the sounds of it, easier to say than do but try not to be too resentful.

[sunbathe]

If you're working full time, won't you get back around the same time as your mum?

Tbh, it sounds like you're doing more housework than your mum. Did I get the wrong idea?

Maybe the way forward is to say that you will be responsible for x chores or cook dinner twice a week, clean the kitchen and bathroom or whatever and no more.

A contribution is fine, but doing everything isn't, imo.

Your brother's (lack of) contribution might be more noticeable then.

[Birdsgottafly]

""but my mum works hard at a very stressful job and don't want to cause her extra stress and trouble""I wish my parents could just see the situation from my point of view and be harder on him if that makes sense""

Unless your Mum is asking you to take it upon yourself to get your DB to do housework, it's you that causing extra stress.

I've stil got a nearly 17 year old, I don't need her to do any housework. She does when I very occassion sly ask her to.

On occassion, my eldest sticks her oar in, she is swiftly put straight. She doesn't live with us.

The issues are how you feel, perhaps you've outgrown living in your parents house.

I do occassionly have to remind my DD's that it isn't for them to tell me how I should be Mothering their siblings. They aren't me, or Mums, so don't always understand I do what I do, to fulfil a need in me.

Unless your Mum wants change, you shouldn't be forcing it.

[mr405]

sunbathe My job is only a 10 minute drive away so I get back maybe 30/45 minutes before my mum. I'd say when I'm not working I do more housework than her as I'm at home more, but when I'm working we probably do the same amount.

Birdsgottafly I'm sorry, but I don't understand how I'm causing extra stress? She asks for the housework to get done and it's me who does it as my brother doesn't do anything. It's not that she asks him to do anything occasionally and I tell her he isn't doing enough.