To postpone our wedding?

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

DP and I have been together for 4 years. Very happy. Have never lived together. I have two kids, he has two kids. (That's probably not relevant though!)

We got engaged in 2012 (if I remember rightly) but didn't set a date for ages. When we did start thinking about dates last year, we originally said October this year. Then we looked at places, realised how £££ a wedding is, and changed the date to June 2015 to save up.

Then it got changed back again to October. I can't remember why/how, but I change my mind about everything constantly so it was probably me.

I sold my house last Dec and moved to my hometown with my kids, to buy a house we'd all live in together (me, DP, my kids, and occasionally his kids if he ever takes his ex to court to get a proper arrangement that she will stick to, instead of letting her whittle his contact away to nothing).

We've since had such bad luck trying to buy a place. Gazumped twice, messed around -- all truly weirdly bad luck. He hasn't got any capital to put into the house (as his ex still lives in the house they bought together [her deposit, his mortgage]) so I was hoping to buy it alone. Then prices went up and we thought we'd have to buy together, but he has old defaults on his credit record that mean we'd be paying a VERY high rate of interest, so I went back to buying a place by myself.

Sorry it's so long and complicated. Thanks if you've made it this far.

Anyway, we are now 3 months from the wedding. Church, reception (restaurant), photographer and honeymoon flights are booked. We've saved up £2k together but he's paid £350 deposit to the photographer and whatever flights to Italy cost. Nothing else paid yet. Invites haven't gone out but people know the date.

But we still have nowhere to live. And I'm getting stressed. And fat! I can't fit into my dress with all the stress eating. We might have a house by end of Sept if the current purchase doesn't fall apart like all the others did. I'm buying it on my own. (I don't mind that, I like it.)

AIBU to insist we postpone it until we've got somewhere to live, and perhaps have cohabited for a bit? He is lovely but he does come with problems - the ex, old defaults, still a £6k debt to pay off, the mortgage on the old house - and I'm getting frustrated that he is so unmotivated to sort his shit out.

I've been married before, DISASTEROUSLY, and really don't want to make that mistake again.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I've tried suggesting we postpone, but he got really annoyed. Firstly because I was changing my mind again, and secondly because he thought I was going off him.

[foxystoat]

I think you already know the answer... postpone indefinitely until your DP and you get everything sorted.

[MidniteScribbler]

How many more red flags do you need?

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

Which red flags do you mean?

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I'm scared of telling him I need us to postpone. I'm going to feel guilty and awful. We can use the house as the official excuse everyone knows what a struggle it's been for us to find somewhere, and we still don't have anywhere but I don't want to embarrass him.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

We can repay the costs he's paid out of our joint £2k savings. Maybe I'll give him his £1k back and we can split the other costs too? I don't know.

I'm about to be SKINT trying to buy the house, and it's a big mortgage so I'll have to find £750 every month plus all the bills. I'm self-employed so my money fluctuates. That's all stressful too. Oh god.

[backbystealth]

The red flags are:

He's embroiled in a whole lot of financial and emotional shit with his ex

You've never cohabited so don't know how you will actually all get on

There are general financial stresses

You are unsure about marrying again!

Oh and also I am a little bit about the old chestnut of the ex not giving him enough access - what's the story there and do you really know all of it.

[Fanfeckintastic]

Please postpone

[Icelollycraving]

If he hasn't got his shit together to sort out access properly,I suspect he will never be altogether grown up about stuff.
Postpone or run.

[crashbandicoot]

it's nonesense to get married while you don't have anywhere to live. if he falls out with you then HE is BU.

[dreamingbohemian]

I think you would be insane to marry him without cohabiting first. Definitely postpone.

[MagicMojito]

Id say if your scared to yell your Dp ANYTHING, that's enough of a reason to postpone it tbh. Sorry x

[wheresthelight]

Ignoring the bs about red flags...

Have you looked at what you would lose financially if you postponed? Would you lose deposits on restaurants, photographer, Admin charges for flight changes etc? You may find that it's not financially viable to change the date.

If it's any consolation due to work issues my sister and her hubby got married in October last year but have only just moved in together 10 days ago when she went on maternity leave! They have been together for over 10 years and up until the last 3 have lived together before, but it's not the end of the world!

Can he not move in where you are now in the short term if the worst happens?

[MagicMojito]

And also why would you not "try before you buy"?
Why would you tie yourself financially to someone your still so unsure of? Even if the house, mortgage et all is in your name, as soon as your married its his too.

[MagicMojito]

..ofcourse if you do split up the debt will be all yours

[crazykat]

He needs to sort his finances out before you get married or you could end up being dragged into it. IMO having debt isn't a deal breaker but him still having money tied up with his ex is a huge problem.

I'd give him an ultimatum that he sorts his finances by x date or you're postponing the marriage.

That said, dh and I moved into our own place 4 weeks before we got married, we'd been living with my parents while trying to get our own place since I'd had our surprise dc.

[MagicMojito]

I think dh and I only found it so easy to get married as we are both poor as fuck and have no assets but you really need to think abit more coldly about this.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

Thanks. I called him and we're postponing. I had to do it over the phone as if I'd seen his face, I'd have melted.

We are postponing. He was LOVELY. Hopefully summer next year. We'll use his share of the wedding savings to take legal action against his ex for access, and get him off the mortgage. Or at least get a court order that she has to sell the house when kids reach 18.

I feel a bit wobbly but it is sensible. Thanks

[Fanfeckintastic]

Really good decision

[TeenyfTroon]

Good for you, lass! Learn from those who know, act in haste, repent at leisure, or something like that!

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

Well done OP! Can't have been an easy conversation but he does need to get things in order before you tie you lot with his.

[Icelollycraving]

Blimey,an op who listens & takes action speedily. Well done you!

[Icelollycraving]

Also,to be fair,it sounds like he understands he needs to take action himself.