People who don't tell you what they're bloody doing. (MiL related).

[KingJoffreysBloodshotEye]

What's the assumption? That we'll sit around twiddling our thumbs until they make up their fecking minds?



Phone call on Thursday.

"I thought I'd visit for the weekend."

Er, no. We've made plans. Both had the weekend off work. Was DS's birthday, taking him and a friend to theme park and the beach.

Fine if she wants to visit/join us but why leave it so late?

Fast forward to Monday. She's now visiting 'this week'. Can we narrow it down? Busy week. DS's last week of primary school - lots of parties, leaver assemblies, etc.

Now we have 'Wednesday'. Great. but what frigging time?

I have my parents round for a roast every Wednesday, is the last day of term so there's a leaving 'thing' at school and DS wants to have his friend round.

Just tried calling. No answer. MiL is always like this. Really vague. Lives over 100 miles away but we don't see a lot of her but whenever we do everything is such a faff.

She's also a 'late person'. Likes to leave at least 30 minutes late for everything. Seems to get a thrill from almost missing trains and stuff and leaving people sitting alone in pubs waiting for her.

AIBU to just make plans regardless? Go to the school thing, cook dinner for my parents, invite DS's friend round and if she turns up she'll just have to slot into our plans?

DP is off, he can pick her up from whatever station she ends up at and I just get on with my damn life??

Fair?

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

SiL isn't coming with her is she?

[KingJoffreysBloodshotEye]

No, she fecking isn't!



We still haven't spoken.

No idea if MiL will mention it. She hasn't in the several phone calls we've had recently.

I bought a book recommended on the relationships board about being assertive. Might try and read it this evening. Luckily it's not very long.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

Make your plans regardless and MiL will have to fit in won't she.

Good for you for staying nc with SiL, don't let MiL try and talk you round.

[Mcnorton]

My MIL is like this (not being late, but being vague). I think she doesn't want to be a bother and she is definitely not a planner like me, but it drives me bonkers. We don't have a guest-ready house, if she is coming to visit (it involves a stay due to distance) that is absolutely fine, i just want to know when she's coming to get her bed ready, and roughly what time she'll arrive so i can organise something nicer than usual for whichever meals she will be here for. Its the only thing i find frustrating about her. I want the house nice and to get in some treats for her, but its like she's an International woman of mystery, we never know her movements!

[KingJoffreysBloodshotEye]

She won't.

I've shifted. I'm a different person now. Standing up for myself left, right and centre at the moment.

Someone else on here said how much different you feel when you go NC with a narcissist. They were absolutely right.

DP has noticed how much happier I am so he hasn't/won't push it.

[KingJoffreysBloodshotEye]

I want the house nice and to get in some treats for her, but its like she's an International woman of mystery, we never know her movements!

Yes, I'm like that.

Am quite tidy anyway and already doing a naice meal (have a red cabbage thread in chat) but it's still nice to know what's going on.

Although I mentioned to DP about getting some food and coffee in for her ( very fussy eater) and he said not to bother. So I haven't.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

I'd make more plans.

'Oh if we'd known when you were coming with more notice we could have shifted stuff. Never mind, there is bread and cheese in the fridge if you want to make yourself a sandwich. We will be back in around 8pm tonight'.

[wowfudge]

My DSis manages her always late PILs by telling them what time Sunday lunch/dinner/BBQ will be served - lesson learned after many occasions waiting for them to turn up and small hungry children getting fractious. Not to mention the rest of us adults gets increasingly pissed off by always having to wait for them.

First time she did this was a Sunday lunch family get together and we sat down and started without them. Her MIL came in and said, 'Oh, have you started without us?' The penny then dropped with them and although they are often later than expected they don't hold up everyone getting lunch, etc. because they know they have to get there on time for the meal.

Being late is one of the rudest things you can do when you have accepted someone's invitation. If you've been held up by an accident then that's different obviously.

Best to make sure everyone knows the score so there's no uncertainty or misunderstanding.

[SpiffingGalore]

My PiLs are just like this. Apparently they like to be "spontaneous". Never mind that we have to rearrange our whole bloody lives every time they decide to pay us a "spontaneous" visit. And they stay at least a week because they live nearly a thousand miles away. And then they "spontaneously" decide to leave two days earlier than planned so we have to rearrange everything back again.



I think next time they rock up at a minute's notice I'm going to "spontaneously" decide to be elsewhere.

[KingJoffreysBloodshotEye]

My PiLs are just like this. Apparently they like to be "spontaneous".

Oooo, that's worse!



That would drive me nuts. Especially as I work nights. Someone just rocking up to stay out of nowhere? The thought makes me feel ill.

< ill.

[Meerka]

kingjoffrey its lovely to hear things are better overall. How did the asserting boundaries go? did she get upset or did she accept it with good grace?


if things are down to annoying vagueness levels of hassle now, they've improved a lot :)

[BabyDerek]

My PILs never turn up on time... our children are always fractious and starving by the time they deign to turn up. So we've decided to just go ahead and feed the kids and they can just suck it up.

[KingJoffreysBloodshotEye]

How did the asserting boundaries go? did she get upset or did she accept it with good grace?

I don't know.

I had a few breezy texts (as though nothing had gone on) and some calls. All of which I ignored.

She should be used to it. Loads of friends/family have ditched her over the years. I think eventually people just decide it's enough.

She made a small drama to DP. I removed her from FB. Was actually ages ago but she decided to get upset about it 6 weeks later. That was it. That's all.

Meh.

Be weird if she is upset. All I've done is prevented her from treating me like shite. If she's missing that so much she's upset about it then that says it all really..!

I just don't care any more.

If it gets brought up I'm going to parrot the MN classic, "it doesn't work for me any more".

And rant on here.

[Meerka]

heh, well, she sounded a bit weird in the first place! also people hate the status quo changing until they adapt to it.

but it's lovely that you are happier =)

[SpiffingGalore]

I'm glad someone else thinks they are a nightmare - they are totally surprised by the suggestion that their behaviour is anything other than completely normal

Well done on asserting your boundaries! Both dp and I find it difficult to do that, but last time they were here he sat them down (I held his hand under the table and made supportive noises) and confronted them.

They were rather taken aback but not too defensive, so maybe will see a change next time

[Willdoitinaminute]

I asked my MIL if she and fil would like to join us for Christmas Dinner last year plenty of notice as she insists on this. She calmly told she would wait to see what other offers she got... Guess what they sat on their lonesome on Christmas Day. I feel no guilt since she's being doing this for years. I now use 'tough' love. Ie it's tough for you spending Christmas alone but I did offer!

[hamptoncourt]

Deffo let her rock up whenever. Don't stress yourself out by trying to pin her down.

If you are not in she will have to wait, and yes she will have to fit in with whatever you are doing. Don't explain all this to her. She doesn't care.

[Willdoitinaminute]

I think like most of us you put up with their poor manners to keep the peace. I had big blow out with mil last week when she told me how much more she worried about DS than her other dgc Very passive aggressive comment to let me know what crap parents we are, my reply wasn't passive aggressive. We made up after but I have told her that I will warn her next time before she goes too far.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

I'm sure she'll love a plate of leftover red cabbage and a noisy boys film
IF you can be arsed you could leave out some takeaway menus that deliver!