To not want to be friends with someone just because they want to?

(18 Posts)
Ladymoods Sat 12-Jul-14 00:31:48

I'm aware I may come accross as a bit of a bitch here but there is a new mum at dd's school, her dd started a few weeks ago. She is obviously keen to make friends at the school (almost too keen) and is often texting me and inviting me and dd over.

She's a very lovely lady but we have absolutely nothing in common and are very different types of people. She also talks constantly about herself and is one of those people who will interrupt you to turn the conversation back to her. I get the feeling she isn't really interested or listening to what I say, is just waiting until she can talk again. Her dd and mine get on well but I don't feel that I should have to have a friendship with her outside of school and see her without the kids just because they get on.

AIBU?

kawliga Sat 12-Jul-14 00:34:59

YANBU. It's friendship, not equal opportunities. You don't owe anybody a duty to be their friend.

If she's new chances are she'll be very embarrassed about her needy behaviour once she's more settled. Just be polite, smile and wave. You don't have to hang out with her.

AgentZigzag Sat 12-Jul-14 00:41:05

YANBU, of course it's up to you who you want to spend time with, but the OTT texts/invites/talking about herself could just be her nerves getting the better of her?

Could you give it a couple more weeks to let her calm down before deciding?

How would you give her the chop if you did decide it was too much? You wouldn't want telling her to back off to impact on how her DD gets on with yours at school.

How old are your DD?

Ladymoods Sat 12-Jul-14 00:43:05

Good to hear, thank you. I'd never ignore her or be rude to her but I really don't want to encourage a friendship with her.

Ladymoods Sat 12-Jul-14 00:46:11

They are 6. I don't know how I would give her 'the chop' so to speak, as I say I don't want to come across as rude, but at the same time don't want her to think I share her enthusiasm for a friendship.

I feel for her, I really do. But you can't force friendship. Keep on as you are, politely turning down invitations and hopefully she'll take the hint. I hope she finds someone she clicks with soon.

Thumbwitch Sat 12-Jul-14 00:48:19

YANBU at all. Just be polite and coolly friendly but don't accept any invitations unless you really want to.

Thumbwitch Sat 12-Jul-14 00:48:20

YANBU at all. Just be polite and coolly friendly but don't accept any invitations unless you really want to.

Ladymoods Sat 12-Jul-14 00:52:18

I feel for her too, it's hard going in to any situation where other people already know each other. I've been there too and it's hard but I would hate to think anyone was being my friend out of pity so I wouldn't want to do that to anyone else.

AgentZigzag Sat 12-Jul-14 00:59:18

I would probably start off by only answering half her texts, only accept offers of meeting up with her and her DD when it's good for you, and just be 'normal' while she hopefully gets the hint.

If she's like this with you it's possible she's like this with other mums, and some might be totally fine with this level of involvement, but if you're not then she can't and shouldn't force it (or take it out on your DDs when she realises you're not on the same wavelength).

Appletini Sat 12-Jul-14 01:03:57

I felt for her until I got to the part about interrupting. Now I just feel for you!

Ladymoods Sat 12-Jul-14 01:09:01

Yes that's kind of my plan too agent. I don't want to offend her because she's nice enough but I don't want to be too nice either because then I'll be stuck with her!

grin Apple it drives me fucking barmy, I don't think I've actually managed to finish a sentence yet!

Thumbwitch Sat 12-Jul-14 01:11:48

I knew someone a bit like her when I was in my first job. I felt sorry for her because no one seemed to want to be her friend, so I got chatting with her and she latched on like a limpet. Then of course I had to shake her off (no really, I did) and found out a bit later that she'd been bitching behind my back about me! She never did manage to keep any good friends because of this habit she had of turning on them. sad

TortoiseUpATreeAgain Sat 12-Jul-14 01:17:50

Do you know (even slightly) any of the other mothers with whom she has more in common? If so, can you try setting them up, as it were? She's looking for a friend, but it doesn't necessarily have to be you if a better candidate presents herself.

AgentZigzag Sat 12-Jul-14 01:18:50

What annoys me about these kinds of situations most is that if you do feel as though you have to say something or don't reciprocate to their satisfaction, it's you who looks the awkward one! (which is multiplied in their retelling to all and sundry)

I presume everyone's going to be a PITA at some point and just stand well back from everyone grin

Ladymoods Sat 12-Jul-14 08:20:46

I like that theory agent and I do apply it to others! I spent many years hanging around with people who I had nothing in common with or who bored or annoyed me or were just complete twats (ex husband's friends) and I promised myself I wouldn't do that now I'm on my own. I was wondering if that was unrealistic or rude of me but I really think life is to short to spend too much time with people who bring you down or add nothing to your life.

MsVestibule Sat 12-Jul-14 08:37:30

Isn't it odd that if you've started dating somebody but you don't really like them, it's really easy to shake them off by saying 'Sorry, but we don't really have any chemistry, bye', but with potential friends, it's so much more difficult!

I think you just have to do what pp's have said - don't answer all texts, be polite and hopefully she'll take the hint. Eventually.

Ladymoods Sat 12-Jul-14 08:47:44

That's a very good point msvestibule and I think this is one of the most frustrating things about motherhood/parenthood, you are all lumped together and expected to get along when sometimes the only thing you do have in common is that you've got children. That's not really enough for me, I like my friends to have similar personalities, interests and outlooks to me.

This mum is a bit Netmums....

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