To just want him to find a job?

(69 Posts)
DrainedandHadEnough Tue 17-Jun-14 04:33:21

DP hasn't been working now for 4 years.
He has made no effort to get a job in the 4 years that have passed, and I have been going from job to job, my most recent of which I had to leave due to ill health and claimed ESA.
We are struggling so much financially now that I am not working, and all he can be bothered doing is going on his play station all afternoon.

But my biggest gripe is that he makes ZERO effort to find a job. We don't have Microsoft Word so it would mean going to the library to do his CV and in his words "he doesn't know what he is doing". I've told him that there must be someone, somewhere that help with these sorts of things. A free IT course or something, but it falls on deaf ears.

It has come to the point where I have had enough. I have suffered with depression and anxiety for a while now, and I am pregnant with DC3 (unplanned) which has thrown me a thousand steps back from recovering from my depression.

My children have never known their dad go out to work. All they see is someone slobbing about doing absolutely nothing. Nothing even around the house apart from wash a few pots and he thinks he's helped out.

I'm such a mess sad sad

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 05:14:59

You poor thing. No wonder you have depression and anxiety.

He actually said "I don't know what I'm doing"? It sounds like an appeal for help. He's probably depressed too at this point. Do you think he would see the GP?

What did he do before?

It does sound as if he may be depressed.

On a practical note, I'm assuming you do have a home PC of some description. Do you have Internet access at home? If so, I would download Open Office software (free) and use that to create a CV. You can save the document in MS Word compatibility mode.

https://www.openoffice.org

Athrawes Tue 17-Jun-14 06:32:43

Job centre have courses and people who can and will help. He just needs to ask.

cozietoesie Tue 17-Jun-14 06:58:29

It's not you that's the mess, Drained - although you're understandably exhausted and fed up. I'd do something about it now or it could go on for another 20 years. (Why should he change if he's getting away with it/has gpt away with it for 4 years? It's fine for him if food is still reaching the table and he gets to play games all afternoon.)

Have you assessed your likely position if you were on your own with the DCs? Could you manage financially?

antimatter Tue 17-Jun-14 06:58:40

I am sure Job Centre can help.
Has he tried to get an appointment?

Anyway writing CV starts with just writing what he has done and all details in his previous jobs.
It can be done in an email.
When he books with job center he can then learn how to copy&paste and format it.

Auntimatter Tue 17-Jun-14 07:01:51

What is he living on? Can you take his money away so he has to work or (nearly) starve?

I read recently about a course for long-term unemployed which helps them with this stuff. There is lots of help available if he wants it.

Can you take his money away so he has to work or (nearly) starve?

Are you serious? shock

Can you imagine the response if a woman came on here complaining that her husband had taken all her money away?

TestingTestingWonTooFree Tue 17-Jun-14 07:11:37

Seriously though, what is he doing for money? If he's on JSA then he'd be obliged to be looking for work.

FiveGoMadInDorset Tue 17-Jun-14 07:11:40

Our library has a workshop one afternoon a week when it is closed for to help people write CV's and apply for jobs.

MmeMorrible Tue 17-Jun-14 07:11:56

I would be sorely tempted to sell the playstation unless it belongs to the DC and/or sell the games that he plays.

Auntimatter Tue 17-Jun-14 07:13:20

Pumpkin, can you really imagine a woman with children who sits on their backside playing Playstation and does nothing useful to anyone?

He needs a serious boot up the backside.

PollyCazaletWannabe Tue 17-Jun-14 07:15:59

God, OP, I feel for you. My DP has been out of work since December, has had some temporary work and has been applying for jobs, and still we are feeling the strain both financially and emotionally (see my thread on AIBU). I can't imagine how shit 4 YEARS must be! He sounds either completely lazy and fuckwitted, or possibly depressed- not sure which from your posts so far. Have you got any friends or family members who could help him with his CV?

Pumpkin, can you really imagine a woman with children who sits on their backside playing Playstation and does nothing useful to anyone?

Yes, sometimes there can be a medical reason for it (ie, depression has been suggested).

Sometimes there isn't.

Either way, I don't think financial abuse is the answer.

Tough situation.

Are you asking for help to change him or help to leave him? Or are you still undecided?

Humansatnav Tue 17-Jun-14 07:20:27

Hi op , how old is he ( I work for an Apprenticeship provider) ?

Preciousbane Tue 17-Jun-14 07:25:34

Does the job centre not force him to sign or or go on courses?

I'm sure that even if he hadn't worked for four years if he had been trying his best to find a job then even though you would still be brassic you would not feel so bad.

I have a friend whose BF has been out of work for at least 8 years. They don't have dc and he loves to sit and play on his computer and live off her wage. She does earn a decent amount but they have a huge mortgage. He has done nothing to improve his situation.

Do you think he understands the gravity of the situation?

Pantone363 Tue 17-Jun-14 07:25:42

There is SO much help with CVs etc available. And so what if he does have to go to the library?

Fair dues if he was helping around the house but clearly he's quite content to sit on his arse playing games whilst his pregnant, ill wife provides. Ship up or ship out matey.

littledrummergirl Tue 17-Jun-14 07:33:04

I feel that the people in your life should be there because they add something to it. What is he adding?

At the very least he should be taking care of the home and allowing you to rest when you are home. It is not helping out, it is being a parent.

He needs to go to your local college and do some of the free courses as well as volunteering somewhere. These would give hin new skills.

I would consider taking the controllers out of the house with me. If he wants to behave like a child then treat him like a child.

Or tell him he needs to start taking some responsibility. It would get very shouty in my house Im afraid.

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 07:38:50

OP How old is?

What are his skills/qualifications/experience?

cozietoesie Tue 17-Jun-14 07:39:35

I'd also be interested to know what he did before, OP. You can often get a situation where a person won't even look at anything unless it's of a level with what s/he perceives to be their 'proper' grade or type of work. Whereas in your situation and given the length of time, he should be going for any old scut work that's around given the need to get back into working routine and bring some money into the household, taking some of the pressure off you.

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 07:41:46

There are also specific schemes with really structured help and funding for certain age groups.

He sounds like he needs some extra help. Hard to advise without info.

bumbumsmummy Tue 17-Jun-14 07:46:16

How much would you get if you sold the Xbox ?

If its a choice between feeding the kids rent or Xbox then it goes depressed or not

DrainedandHadEnough Tue 17-Jun-14 08:04:19

Thank you so much for all of the replies.
When I claimed ESA, they just put us on a joint claim for it so that's what we are living on at the moment as well as tax credits and child benefit.
He is too proud. He won't go and ask for help, or go volunteering, etc..
The type of work he has done before was mixture, but mainly to do with customer services. Call centre and face to face.

I am also worried about his references. He left his last job on bad terms 4 years ago, and the one before that he hasn't got a clue if his manager is there or not. So yet another thing to stop him from getting a job.

I will try Open Office on my laptop, see how that goes with his CV.

I think he may well be depressed too. I have told him to go to the drs but he just shrugs it off and says he's fine.

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 08:05:41

Does he socialise? Do anything outside the house?

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