I can't take my baby to a wedding but someone else can...

(439 Posts)
Writerwannabe83 Mon 16-Jun-14 23:56:23

One of my DH's good friends is getting married in 2 months time. When they handed out their invites they said children are welcome to be at the church ceremony but are unable to attend the meal and the evening reception.

That's fine, I have absolutely no problem with child-free weddings.

I have a baby that I EBF so I text the bride and declined the invite and said it because I couldn't leave DS. DS will have just turned 5 months at the time of the wedding. I didn't get a reply from her.

My DH is felt quite aggrieved as he wasn't comfortable with the fact that me and DS couldn't go seeing as DS will not need a seat or food so won't be affecting their guest numbers or cost. But anyway, like I said, I have no problem if the B&G choose child free weddings.

However, it has now transpired another couple who have a baby are being allowed to take theirs because "he will only be 3 months old".

hmm

Since learning this my DH has spoken to the Groom who has said he will speak to the bride. The Groom said of course he wanted me to be at the wedding but apparently the bride had said she didn't want babies/children present as she didn't want food being thrown around the room?!

Do 5 month old babies do that?
(DS is my first so I have no experience of a baby's fine dining etiquette).

He also said she probably wasn't aware I'd still be BF.

It's been five days now since my DH spoke to his friend and we still haven't heard anything back do I'm guessing the bride said no and we are still not welcome.

I don't know how I feel about it all now - surely if she is banning babies it should apply to all babies? I think it's a bit unfair that I'm being turned away but another mother and her baby aren't.

(Incidentally the other baby is being formula fed so can technically be away from her parents.)

I'm happy to be told I'm BU - I just think it's a bit harsh that my baby isn't welcome but someone else's is....

AnyFucker Mon 16-Jun-14 23:58:41

I think you should put it out of your mind and stop pestering for an invite you are not even that bothered about

Their wedding, their choice innit

fifi669 Mon 16-Jun-14 23:59:58

YABU. It's not your wedding, they can invite who they want. I understand where you're coming from though.

DeepThought Tue 17-Jun-14 00:01:22

Well perhaps the other family picked up the phone and rang the B and G to chat through the babe in arms thing when the invites were sent out?

Pretend you hadn't heard about the other baby going, that puts you back into your original stance.

CateBlanket Tue 17-Jun-14 00:01:47

Just think yourself lucky you don't have to go to the wedding; they are generally rather tedious IMHO.

FannyFifer Tue 17-Jun-14 00:01:51

I wouldn't lower myself by asking again, I just wouldn't go.

LadyWithLapdog Tue 17-Jun-14 00:02:07

It's not personal about your baby. It's the idea of a 5 month old vs 3 month old. I think it's a bit much to expect her to think through the implications of EbF vs formula, especially if she doesn't have kids.

I completely understand your annoyance but just make peace with your decision not to go and move on. Enjoy an extra day together as a family and do domething nice with the money you save.

NCToProtectTheInnocent Tue 17-Jun-14 00:03:00

The line has to be drawn at one age or another if you make exceptions to a 'no children, rule though. Why can X take their 1YO but Y can't take their 2YO? How come A can take a 4YO but my 9YO isn't welcome? If one goes and not others, it's because a line has been drawn for some reason. A reason set by the bride and groom for they day so I'm afraid you have to just respect that they have made a choice and you fall the 'wrong' side of that line.

The 3 month old may be the child of the groom's sister, or the bride's oldest friend. If so, they are more likely to get a 'pass'.

HygieneFreak Tue 17-Jun-14 00:03:23

I hate it when people make a mountain out of a molehill when they get married.

So many things what the bride and groom object to.

Its one bloody day!

Its not the day that matters, its the future together!

Yanbu

noneofyours Tue 17-Jun-14 00:04:51

I expect it's more likely that the other couple have refused to both come or made a fuss or something and so they've compromised whereas you readily agreed so they happily didn't have to.

I think you should put it out of your mind too, let you DH contact the groom again if he wants but just take it as you've declined so they've accepted that. Declining by text can also be seen in a bad light, especially if the RSVP was formal so it's possible they were a bit annoyed and decided to this 'h well' when you text back.

Is your DH still going?

Writerwannabe83 Tue 17-Jun-14 00:05:30

I've told my DH to go as he has known the Groom for a very long time - but DH is saying he won't attend as in his eyes, we are a family and if his wife isn't welcome just because we have a 5month old then he won't be going either!

I hope he does go though because I don't want their to be any undercurrent of tension between any of us.

noneofyours Tue 17-Jun-14 00:05:40

Or they're a very close relation.

basgetti Tue 17-Jun-14 00:06:44

Is the other guest a close friend or relative of the bride? It could be that they are making an exception for that reason so she will come but want to stick to the rule for everyone else. I think you need to respect their choice and just leave it now.

AlarmOnSnooze Tue 17-Jun-14 00:06:50

It would (and did) annoy me.

my child was older at the time (2), and we were told total child free wedding. all fine. we organised childcare (no mean feat, as dd1 is severely disabled - meant complex stringof events, but we did so happily).

got to the wedding to find a whole range of children, from bf newborns up to about 6 years old - who all 'couldn't' be left, apparently. Bride had known how difficult it was for us to make arrangements, but had not thought to tell us that the child-free bit had gon out of the window months before. nice.

YANBU to feel annoyed by the different treatment. YABU to try to get them to change their mind.

noneofyours Tue 17-Jun-14 00:07:13

I think if it causes tension that's up to your DH and his friend, don't worry about it so much OP.

You seem a bit invested in going to this wedding. They are being inconsistent but that is their right at their own wedding. I'd put the whole thing out of my mind and have a nice evening hogging the TV.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 17-Jun-14 00:08:40

nct - we know the other couple with the baby quite well, they aren't a relative of the B&G.

However, the bride knows that mother a little better than she knows me so that's possibly a factor.

NormHonal Tue 17-Jun-14 00:09:14

Now I'm a mother, I can understand your point of view 110%.

However, I got married before having DCs, and DH and I were really concerned about noise during the ceremony....we attempted to convince close friends (very close friends) to leave their 6 week old with a babysitter. I had absolutely no concept at the time of the needs of a small baby.

Thinking if it now makes my toes curl. What were we thinking?!

I suppose what I'm saying is that I see both sides. For the bride, this is the most important day ever, and a lot of time and money has been invested to make it perfect. For you, your baby comes first, absolutely.

Can you find a compromise - skip the ceremony (your DH can still go) but attend the reception perhaps, with baby in tow?

I can also see how the child-free thing might be a cost-saving exercise, so it might be worh bearing in mind if they think they might have to provide/pay for a high chair, food etc for your DC. Like I said, when I got married I wouldn't have had a clue.

Boudica1990 Tue 17-Jun-14 00:11:28

I think you've got lucky, a wedding with a baby is no fun. Friends brought their baby to my wedding and I really did feel for them, they were constantly juggling the baby, he was getting upset by the roudy guests, then there was the crying in the church, that we didn't mind, but they felt embarrased by (not that there was any need to) They left eventually because the baby was just too young, probably frightened by the loud voices and so on.

Tell your DH to go and show face, he can always leave after the meal or church service and simply say I have to get back to the Mrs and the baby, they should understand that. Meanwhile enjoy a snuggly day with the baby some alone time just you and the baby. smile

Writerwannabe83 Tue 17-Jun-14 00:12:40

norm - they are happy for DS to be at the church but don't want him present for the rest of the day.

It confused me too seeing as the ceremony is the part where you don't want babies making noises. It all seemed a bit backwards to me. But I suppose they know that they can't actually ban anyone from entering a church.

PrincessBabyCat Tue 17-Jun-14 00:14:44

My cousin had a child free wedding but then had my baby cousin be the flower girl when she was 4. Apparently it was ok to spend money on her dress, updo, and shoes, but it wasn't ok for her to eat at the reception. She was brought to the reception anyway against the bride's wishes seeing as how she was part of the wedding party.

I'm not a fan of child free weddings, but at the same time I probably wouldn't be bringing DD along to any either as little kids and weddings don't always mix.

LittlePeaPod Tue 17-Jun-14 00:20:54

I have never understood why people moan about other peoples wedding arrangements. confused If it doesn't suit you then don't go, simple.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 17-Jun-14 00:25:58

I'm not going, lol - I'm not allowed grin

I seriously need to get of MN....I can't believe the time!!

Why I'm on here when I should be sleeping, I don't know grin

Especially seeing as DS will be up soon wanting to be fed.

Thanks everyone for all your responses smile

BackforGood Tue 17-Jun-14 00:30:38

You state in your OP that you were quite happy not to go, and respect her choice of not having other peoples dc there. Just forget about the other child, and relax in the thought you are comfortable not going.

I think your dh is being a bit silly, if it's a close friend of his though - it's what you have to do sometimes when you have children that you choose to breast feed, just one of you go out. Seems odd to miss the wedding of a close friend when he is able to go.

Agree with the poster who said about the having a conversation with the bride though, rather than sending a text! Maybe, whilst you were chatting, you could have explained you were exclusively breast feeding, which is why you couldn't leave your dc - that would probably have put a very different light on it than you sending a text saying you couldn't leave him - that just sounds like you are being pfb.

EverythingCounts Tue 17-Jun-14 00:51:04

I think they are being unfair. I bet the other couple made more of a fuss as noneofyours said and so it's been relaxed for them. Don't blame your DH for not going. If that's how they want their wedding, they have t o accept that not everyone will find it easy to come.

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