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To feel pissed off that the responsibility for my parents lies with me?

(203 Posts)
Weathergames Sun 15-Jun-14 22:05:40

My parents are 80 and 70.

My mum, the 70 yr old was always healthy but in the last few years has had a lot of health issues including cancer.

I am a single mum, have 3 teenagers, work full time and live 100 miles away but can be there within 2 hours.

My sister lives in Europe and realistically is a day away and we don't really get on. She has a husband and kids and they both earn shitloads.

When my mum had cancer I was privvy to a lot more info via my dad than my sister and worried a lot more as my dad seems to panic a lot, and confides in me which is fine but tells me not to tell my sister (traditionally "daddy's girl".

My mum had a had a serious health issue yesterday. My dad emailed me (he's deaf so cannot do phone calls) and asked me not to tell anyone. I left it 24 hours and then did tell my sister as I felt it was unfair for her not to know.

I am now acutely aware I will be responsible for my aging parents as she is in a different country which actually is quite shit?

Weathergames Sun 15-Jun-14 22:14:20

Don't know if I explained that very well x

RRRJ83 Sun 15-Jun-14 22:18:30

Your parents took responsibility for you, why not return their hard work and take care of them. They're ill, do the decent thing by them.

You sound jealous and sulky.

Did you want your sister to give up her life abroad and move over to you so you don't have to be responsible. Sounds selfish to me.

And what solution are you proposing?

I am the main carer for my Dad. My brother lives in South Africa. <shrug>

bitsnbobs14 Sun 15-Jun-14 22:22:44

Lovely. If you're that reluctant to be there for your parents, why not move abroad yourself.
And why, exactly, can your parents not be responsible for themselves, you know, being all grown up n stuff?

Mintyy Sun 15-Jun-14 22:24:13

Yanbu. That is really tough. At the very least your sister should be fully in the picture (ie. your ddad should not tell you to keep secrets) so that she can emotionally support you. You absolutely should not always be the first port of call for all their worries. Yanbu in the slightest.

UseHerName Sun 15-Jun-14 22:24:53

I understand op

Weathergames Sun 15-Jun-14 22:25:59

I have brought up 3 kids alone and gone to night classes to create my career.

My sister has always been so disdainful, patronising and nasty to me.

My dad lets me in on these "secrets" and asks me not to tell my sister and I do from a view that she has a right to know but she offers me no support emotionally.

That's my beef. Not my mum and dad. I am alone in this and that doesn't seem fair.

Jakadaal Sun 15-Jun-14 22:27:30

I don't think you ABU to feel resentful at having to bear the responsibility solely. Even if your sister is in another country she could still take on some caring duties eg supportive phone calls for both your parents and you, keeping up email contact so that you don't always feel on duty.

I am in a similar situation with 2 DSis one of whom completely distances herself and leaves all responsibility up to myself and my other DSis.

Am sure you truly love your parents but sometimes it's just overwhelming along with managing your own family responsibilies x

BrianTheMole Sun 15-Jun-14 22:29:14

Its ok to feel like that op.

DeepThought Sun 15-Jun-14 22:29:33

Yes do keep sister in the loop

you have my sympathy, I am the nearest offspring and feel the responsibility very much; siblings pay lipservice but by dint of distance/proximity I get the day to day grind/worry

#gloomy

Weathergames Sun 15-Jun-14 22:30:11

Oh god yes I love my parents totally. I thought that would be presumed!

Pagwatch Sun 15-Jun-14 22:30:13

You don't sound jealous and sulky <Jesus, why do people post such twattery>

You sound burdened and irritated that you have been landed with a responsibility which woud be lessened if it were shared.

I don't think there is much you can do. Caring burdens are borne by those unable to turn their back - the nicest do the most.

But vent on here. It's a big commitment and responsibility.

bitsnbobs14 Sun 15-Jun-14 22:30:51

Alone? What would you want from your sister? Try putting yourself in your parents shoes. I agree it's difficult that your dad doesn't want your sister to be informed, but then I'd suggest talking to him and tell him how you feel.

bitsnbobs14 Sun 15-Jun-14 22:32:45

I don't get it, responsibility? Responsibility for what?

therealeasterbunny Sun 15-Jun-14 22:34:27

YANBU, at all, and I am shocked at how harsh people are being towards you. It is really tough, really fucking tough. My Mum has 4 siblings who all basically ignore my grandads existence, and my Mum does everything.

Yes, parents care for children when they are young, but having children is a choice, and is NOT the same as looking after an elderly parent. It's just not! Besides, why do some siblings get off scott free when another sibling gets all of the responsibility?

Weathergames Sun 15-Jun-14 22:35:05

I want my dad to email us both.

Weathergames Sun 15-Jun-14 22:36:45

Yes. I love my mum and dad massively but I can see I am going to be the one who will organise their lives if they become unable and that pisses me off.

Pagwatch Sun 15-Jun-14 22:37:08

You don't get it bitsnbobs. Have you had an elderly parent die/become seriously ill?

Responsibility for

Helping with hospital appts
Explaining proposed treatments
Lifts
Shopping
Emotional support for healthy yet elderly parent
Financial advice.
Help re food
Then - help re funeral, insurance, housing, money, shopping, transport...

Give me five minutes. There lots more

bitsnbobs14 Sun 15-Jun-14 22:38:04

Responsibility for what, exactly?
I don't mean to be pedantic, but I'm failing to see what responsibility you have, op.
Tell your Dad, op, tell him you need your sister to be as aware of what's going on as you, it's unfair for him to ask you to keep secrets from her, they're her parents too.

Do you just mean the burden of knowledge.. as in you know more than your sis about your parents situation? Even though you are telling her, just slightly delayed?
You aren't doing day to day care/arranging it (unless you are any haven't said?

I think I am missing something confused

Weathergames Sun 15-Jun-14 22:38:53

I was abused emotionally and physically by both my parents growing up which led me to my own addictions.

My sister was not abused but moved abroad.

Pagwatch Sun 15-Jun-14 22:39:00

Some people on this thread are bing sanctemonious wankers.
It's bloody hard. Tiring and emotionally exhausting.
Helping your parents is done with love but you are their child and it's heartbreaking and tiring.

bitsnbobs14 Sun 15-Jun-14 22:39:21

Right, I get it. So you're worried about having to have responsibility for them in the future, yes?

RufusTheReindeer Sun 15-Jun-14 22:40:19

YANBU

It's a big responsibility to take on by yourself and it is in no way selfish to feel a bit of resentment about that

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