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to think that the only polite comment to someone who has lost weight is 'You're looking very well'?

(191 Posts)
LadyPeterWimsey Sun 15-Jun-14 16:25:24

I probably ABU, but I am fed up with having to respond to comments about my recent (large) weight loss.

I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to tell you how much I've lost. I didn't do it for your approval, I did it for me. I don't need you to congratulate me. All it makes me think is that the main thing you noticed about me before was how fat I was, and I'd like to think there was more to our friendship than that.

If you must comment, do say, 'You're looking so well. Is that a new dress/shirt/hat?'. If I'm desperate to let you know how much weight I've lost (and I'm not - I would rather gain it all back again than tell you an actual number, ever; I will go to the grave with my statistics) I'm sure I'll be able to work it into the conversation.

I know you're just trying to be nice, just trying to encourage me, but I don't want you to. I didn't need your encouragement to lose it, and no number of comments will help me keep it off, which is the really hard part. Please, let's talk about something less superficial and more interesting, and which doesn't remind me how large I used to be. I was clever and interesting then, and I still am, so please act like there is more to me than how I look.

<and breathe>

LadyPeterWimsey Sun 15-Jun-14 16:28:28

Oh yeah, and especially if you have never had to watch your weight. You can definitely say Nothing At All.

Golly, I'm a bit more sensitive about this than I thought I was. grin

kinkyfuckery Sun 15-Jun-14 16:28:58

Yep, you definitely sound oversensitive to it.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Sun 15-Jun-14 16:30:37

LOL yanbu, but in my neck of the woods "you're looking well" is code for "ooh, you've got fat" grin

BlondieBrownie Sun 15-Jun-14 16:31:07

YABVU.

Someone goes from blonde hair to black hair people notice.

Someone goes on holiday and gets a tan people notice.

Someone dresses nice for a formal function people notice.

Someone was fat but are now skinny people notice.

They are being nice, congratulating you on your achievement which it is.

Tryharder Sun 15-Jun-14 16:31:13

I do understand your POV and I speak as someone who once lost 5 stones.

But I think YAB a bit U. People aren't trying to be unkind and are clearly happy for you

Just smile, nod, agree that you feel better for it and change the topic.

I think you are being a teeny bit too sensitive.

Congratulations on the weight loss wink

SybilRamkin Sun 15-Jun-14 16:32:13

"you're looking well" is code for "ooh, you've got fat"

Same here!

OP, YABU I think, you seem very over-sensitive.

SandorClegane Sun 15-Jun-14 16:32:30

I'm with raptor - If someone tells me I'm looking well, I immediately assume that's code for you've piled on the beef.

fingersonbuzzers Sun 15-Jun-14 16:32:50

I hate being told I look 'well'. I always interpret to mean I've put weight on!

Coconutty Sun 15-Jun-14 16:33:54

UABU loosing weight is hard. I want everyone to comment. Even the postman.

MagicMojito Sun 15-Jun-14 16:34:30

grin yes op, yabu. I get it though!

People are only trying to be nice. I'm the same as you though, I think we just have a different hyper sensitive train of thought to the majority out there!

I bet you do look fab, even if you don't wanna hear it!

grin smile grin

LadyPeterWimsey Sun 15-Jun-14 16:35:40

Oh, I'm smiling and nodding A LOT. And I know they are trying to be nice. But I don't need them to be happy for me.

I know, IABU. But I am having at least three conversations like this a day at the moment, and the rage is mounting. And some people really do want me to tell them the actual numbers, which I think is very rude.

I think it does depend partly on how much weight has been lost, how quickly, & how healthy you look now. I recently saw a photo of myself just prior to getting pregant, I'd lost a fair bit of weight, & thought I looked ok. I really didn't. I looked bony and pale with dark shadows round my eyes. In retrospect, people who commented at the time that I was too thin, were right.

Some people do need encouragement to keep up/maintain once they've lost weight. Perhaps people are asking because you've been successful & they are interested what diet you were on & may want to try it?

Batmansbuttocks Sun 15-Jun-14 16:36:23

I sort of understand what you're saying. Drawing attention to someone's appearance detracts from their worth as an interesting person blah blah blah but you sound overly sensitive to the point of hysterical about it.

When you lose a huge amount of weight your appearance changes DRAMATICALLY. You don't think a person is going to say "that's a nice top, is it new?" rather than mention the obvious weight loss?

Your post screams shame and humiliation. You sound like you haven't come to terms with either your weight gain or your weight loss. I think it's YOU who has judged yourself for gaining weight and just want people to 'forget' that you were ever fat.

I've lost nearly 6 stone this year BTW. But I have to accept my own shit. Yeah, I got fat but so what? I'm great. I've been through some hard times. I've lost weight now but it's ME that knows my weight doesn't define my worth as a human being. Most people are walking around wrapped in their own worries. Confronted with a size 10 woman who was previously a size 20 they are bound to comment.

Congratulations on the weight loss, I think you need to work on your self -esteem now flowers

cardibach Sun 15-Jun-14 16:37:17

I wouldn't say 'you look well' because I would think it sounded like I thought you looked fucking awful -and ill- before. I don't make value judgements about the amount of weight people have lost/gained and I'm well aware it is far from the most interesting thing about them. I say this as an overweight person who has lost a considerable amount of weight. I will comment (probably) though and expect people to comment to me as it is an obvious conversation starter - as long as it isn't every time I see them...

Meid Sun 15-Jun-14 16:37:37

No-one else's business. You are not being unreasonable. If you haven't brought up the conversation of your appearance, neither should anyone else.

Some years back my DH lost a couple of stone through ill health. He had countless comments on how good he looked. Drove me mad.

MagicMojito Sun 15-Jun-14 16:38:36

And yes to pp, watch my face fall if anyone dares tell me I'm "looking well"

Tis code for put the pies down round here!

LadyPeterWimsey Sun 15-Jun-14 16:42:20

Thank you for lending me a grip and telling me I am being unreasonable. And for your congratulations. grin

I think I do look fab, actually, and I'm happy that people think so. The thing is, I always thought I looked great in my head, not just in the mirror, no matter how much I weighed. <deluded>

It's more that they specifically comment on the weight, not just the general fab-ness. So maybe not, 'You look well' if that is code for fat, although the more restrained people around me seem to use that phrase when I've lost weight. Just something more flatteringly vague than, 'Wow, you've lost so much weight!'.

CaptainTripps Sun 15-Jun-14 16:43:45

You are so not being unreasonable. And you are not being sensitive (slightly or otherwise) at all.

I wish 'well meaning' people would shut just up. No one wants to hear your feedback on how I look.

Time for some bluntness, OP? along the lines of 'I wish people would shut the fuck up about it...'

CaptainTripps Sun 15-Jun-14 16:44:42

PS you'll soon start to get the well meaning biddies saying 'oooh don't take it too far'...

GreenShadow Sun 15-Jun-14 16:45:10

I so agree OP.

I have always thought that if you comment that someone must have lost weight then it means you thought they looked fat before. I have therefore always avoided mentioning weight at all.

Glad to see someone else thinks t
same.

RevoltingPeasant Sun 15-Jun-14 16:47:39

Op YANBU. Weight is a medical issue. It is rude and vulgar to start discussing someone else's waistline if they haven't brought it up themselves.

I have a colleague who recently lost a load of weight. Due to a tumour. There are unhappy reasons for losing weight and you shouldn't have to explain yourself.

When people ask me how much I've lost, I just look rather surprised and say "I'm afraid I don't know." In a way which makes it clear they've overstepped. They get the point.

To me this is exactly like saying, "Wow, your acne had really cleared up! What did your GP prescribe?" Or "I see you've got a new car and been on holiday, have you had a promotion? How much are you earning now?"

It may be well intentioned. It is still fucking nosy.

EBearhug Sun 15-Jun-14 16:47:45

I probably wouldn't say anything (although for me, saying, "you look well" means just "you look in good health", not that you've been piling on weight.)

The only time I've lost a lot of weight was through stress when my father was dying. I wasn't trying to lose weight, I just couldn't face eating half the time, and it turned out to be just another thing I wasn't in control of. So unless I knew for sure that someone had actively been trying to lose weight, I wouldn't want to say anything, because I know I certainly didn't feel better to have people pointing it out. (Yes, I know, my clothes are literally falling off me, and my father is still terminally ill, so actually, it is all shit still. Usually I just sort of muttered, "thanks" while trying not to cry again.)

SunnyRandall Sun 15-Jun-14 16:48:11

I lost three stone last year between J

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