to think stopping co-sleeping, stopping bf-ing and moving house with toddler before baby born = bloody scary prospect

(29 Posts)
Sampanther Mon 14-Apr-14 22:47:23

My dd has just turned two. She bfs to sleep, co-sleeps and always has. Nothing settles her if she wakes except boobs and occasionally cuddles/rocking but only with me. I'm due with dc3 in October and we're moving house in September. Dp works away or is on call the majority of the time so changing things is pretty much down to me. He seems to think it'll just be easy but I think it's going to be really difficult.

I'd been hoping to co-sleep until dd was 2.5/3 when my older daughter moved to her own bed and room with no upset whatsoever. Then when I found out I was pregnant I wondered if dd might self-wean which would make things easier, but so far shes showing no signs of doing so. I have no idea whether to wait a while to see if she self-weans or if her understanding improves with age, whether to move her now so it's distinctly before baby or whether then moving house will be back to square one. On top of it all I'm extremely sick and tired and feel emotional at the prospect of dd being so upset by having to stop co-sleep (which she'll find harder than stopping breastfeeding.)

Aibu to think this is going to tough and dp is deluded to think it'll be easy? Any advice?

MontyDonnsgirl Mon 14-Apr-14 22:49:08

That sounds like a huge huge amount of pressure!!! What about getting a huge new bed and co sleeper cot? Don't do anything you don't want to! X

LCHammer Mon 14-Apr-14 22:50:18

You've got lots of tine till September. Try not to overthink it and enjoy the present.

Sparklyboots Mon 14-Apr-14 22:57:19

I'm currently cosleeping with DC 1 & 2, 2yrs 5mo between them. We have a massive bed and in the early days I'd put pillows round DS so he wouldn't roll onto baby when I got up, otherwise DS is between me and DP and DD is on outside, she's 11mo now. Why do you want to stop cosleeping?

Sampanther Mon 14-Apr-14 23:16:26

Dd wakes if I move and won't settle without boobs. Think it'd be more restful for her (eventually) if she werein her own bed than in mine with a nnewborn waking her constantly, then having to wait while I settle baby before I settle her.

LongTailedTit Mon 14-Apr-14 23:31:49

It depends on her personality really, with DS we stopped cosleeping, dropped night feeds, and moved him into a cot in his own room all in one go at 7mo out of sheer desperation with everyone sleep deprived and me with PND - he's an all-or-nothing kind of boy and doesn't really 'do' gradual so it worked for him. A more gradual approach might be better for your DD if she's not one for big changes.

We stopped BFing when DS turned 2 (he was down to just morning feeds by then), he showed no signs of self weaning so I took the lead. Started wearing sleep bras and high necked tshirts to bed so there was no easy access, then stopped completely while visiting DM - the change in routine was enough to break the habit. Once he'd not had boob for a few days I never said yes to it again, just made sure I distracted him straight away rather than getting him fixated on my saying No. He stopped asking within a week.
Again, this may have worked for us just because he does well with big changes, but I hope it helps you nonetheless.

Sparklyboots Mon 14-Apr-14 23:48:29

Well, I won't pretend it was all straight forward but I have to say my DS didn't sleep through until his sister turned up. He sleeps the black sleep.of the exhausted, too, really doesn't stir in the context of baby screaming fits, the odd kick and a bit of grabbing and hair pulling from her.

We had some tough moments when she was first born but they were all around bfing, which he didn't want to give up, but I couldn't do during late pg. He started again when DD was born and was up more n the night than she was!! It was awful and we really struggled, he was way more of a sleep.disturbance. But it changed and now he's a brilliant sleeper! I barely remember it, probably because I was so fucking tired, but long term he's come out a better sleeper.

It is a big turmoil OP. But whatever it is that happens and needs to change, you'll do much better if you remember she's taking her cues from you. If you act like it's a massive, stressful thing she'll.feel threatened and want to cling on to the past when you were calm. If you act like it's no biggie, just what's happening and you fully expect that she (and you) will let to take it into your stride, she'll.settle to it all much quicker.

catkind Tue 15-Apr-14 00:10:26

Between now and October is a long long time in toddler terms.

She might still self-wean - my milk stopped at around 18-20 weeks pg. It can vary hugely. (DS is another one who started feeding again once baby was born, but we could have distracted him from that if we'd been bothered by it.)

Failing that, night weaning could be a step in the direction of sanity. Specially if you're tired and sick with being pg. We did night weaning while still co-sleeping at around 2. Gradually dropped one night feed at a time and DS immediately slept through that feed time. Mantra "it's not milk time now, it's sleeping time", and lots of cuddles.

I'd be tempted to do own bed shortly after moving house. So you can move in, set her up a bedroom with lots of exciting things in it over the first couple of weeks while still cosleeping so she's not suddenly alone in a new place. Then make a big fanfare of her moving into big girl room if she hasn't already done it of her own accord. Depends on how close your move is to your due date though!

A cosleeper cot would give you more scope to have the toddler in with you if she needs that sometimes with the baby safely out of the way.

Exciting times!

catkind Tue 15-Apr-14 00:15:46

Personally I found I didn't like cosleeping with both as I didn't like having a child behind me. Even if rationally I knew DD was safe in the cosleeper, and DS was safe because he was 3 and why wouldn't he be! DD never woke DS up on the occasions he sneaked in though. Advantage of having a cosleeping baby, I'd be feeding her before she'd got as far as crying.

ikeaismylocal Tue 15-Apr-14 09:12:42

I'm also due in October, ds is 15 months old and before I got pregnant breastfed lots in the night and co-slept. We night weaned him, it was really easy we had one difficult night where he cried for an hour for boob, I just cuddled him and explained that there was no more boobie in the bed and he accepted it.

We still co-sleep and intend to continue even once the baby is born, we have a cot-bed with the side taken off attached to our bed so it gives more space. Dp now sleeps next to ds and dp settles him on the rare occasion he wakes in the night, since stopping breastfeeding in the night he sleeps 11-12 hours without wake-ups.

ikeaismylocal Tue 15-Apr-14 09:15:07

Advantage of having a cosleeping baby, I'd be feeding her before she'd got as far as crying.

Yes I agree, ds never woke dp up in the nights as he didn't cry just snuffled around a bit.

Booboostoo Tue 15-Apr-14 10:00:34

You do have a lot of time until the baby arrives, but if you feel fed up, you feed fed up. I co-slept and bfed DD on demand until she was 2 but she showed no sign of ever cutting back on bf so I had to take matters onto my own hands.

I still co-slept with her and fed her to sleep as well as first thing in the morning but explained to her that in between was sleeping time not bf time. It took a couple of nights for this to sink in, during which time I was still with her, still cuddling, etc. but no bf, and she got the idea pretty quickly. Once she settled into this new routine, I told her I would stay with her until she fell asleep, I would come if she called but I would sleep in my room in between - that worked a lot better. I still go back to her about 2 times out of 10 to co-sleep and things get worse if she is sick, but she sleeps a lot of nights by herself now and knows about it, i.e. I don't have to trick her into it, she is aware of me going away and she copes.

Maybe a similar gradual approach would work?

Sampanther Tue 15-Apr-14 22:31:39

Thank you for Sharing your experiences. My problem is that dd is quite 'high needs' in that she likes to be with me every second of the day which is why I think she'll really struggle. I also dread every illness being a setback and generally just wish I could be pregnant for a year so we'd have time to move and get dd sorted properly!

I think she'd understand if I told her my boobs weren't working anymore but it's difficult as I feed her to sleep for her nap which works for me as I get to rest then. The only other way she'll sleep if I'm continually walking with the pushchair, which leaves me worn out. Saying they don't work at bedtime but do at nap time would be too confusing for her I think. Would be easier if it was winter and I could say they don't work in the dark!

Flipdefloo Tue 15-Apr-14 23:08:04

I really empathise. I b/fd DS2 to 22months and we moved during this time, and my DP works away a lot too. I wasn't pg though, and didn't have the co-sleeping to sort out (though b/f to sleep in his bed and if he woke).

I did however have health and energy problems, and I am slightly horrified to admit I resorted to taking DS2 out for a drive every day to get him to nap off the boob blush. I perfected a round trip to get him off, and would then lift him into the pushchair still asleep (or rock back off easily) and brought him in so I could rest too. Night-time b/f to sleep in own bed.

Could you co-sleep with her for a bit in her new bed? What time does she go to sleep in the evenings? Does she spend some time alone in the bed while you and DP are up? If so, you can build on that.

I would be tempted to try moving her into her own room now, co-sleep with her for a bit if it helps, and still b/f to sleep and on waking, until settled in room. Then spend return to your bed for periods and extend the time? Obv this means a phase of getting up in the nights which might not be so appealing! I used to get into bed with DS a lot, but I was also lucky in that DP was great at settling him when he was here, so we did a good spell of that when he was here for a bit.

And keep sowing the seed and talking about how she is growing up, and there will come a time when she won't have boob any more.

Good luck smile

Flipdefloo Tue 15-Apr-14 23:20:16

Oh, and this from Sparklyboots:

If you act like it's a massive, stressful thing she'll.feel threatened and want to cling on to the past when you were calm. If you act like it's no biggie, just what's happening and you fully expect that she (and you) will let to take it into your stride, she'll.settle to it all much quicker.

So true.

ikeaismylocal Wed 16-Apr-14 06:34:14

I said no boobs in the bed, I do occasionally feed ds to sleep for his nap on the sofa and it doesn't seem to confuse him.

We actually didn't intend to stop feeding to sleep it just happened that he wanted to be settled in other ways.

newsecretidentity Wed 16-Apr-14 06:41:50

Oh, I did this with my DD's. DD1 self-weaned about half way into the pregnancy, but hadn't mastered sleeping in her own bed by then. So DD2 was in a moses basket next to the bed, DD1 was in with me and all was well.

Although when DD2 was 3 months old, DD1 started bfing again. She stopped on her own just as she turned 3.

Booboostoo Wed 16-Apr-14 10:57:45

My DD is quite high needs again but somehow at 2yo I managed to wean her off the boob a little bit - I do appreaciate it's a very individual thing though and you have to go with what feels right for your child. For me it worked to say that bf was for the bed only and not when it was night, but again it depends on the child's level of understanding and their psychological ability to cope with a big change.

Sampanther Wed 16-Apr-14 14:36:47

My elder dd was 2.5 when she stopped feeding with no fuss at all, dd will be the same age when baby is born but seems much younger and more dependent. Its just when she wakes in the night she rolls over to feed or else will only settle if I pick her up which I won't be able to do as easily once baby is here. I guess I should night wean first by say 5 months pregnant if she hasn't self-weaned and then be open about where she sleeps so long as she sleeps without being held. I'm going to try and have new baby in a Moses basket rather than co-sleeping but then that was the intention with the first two, so we shall see...!

ikeaismylocal Wed 16-Apr-14 15:22:11

You might find that if your not breastfeeding her in the night she stops waking up. It wasn't our intention to nightween to improve sleep but it was a nice surprise when it happened.

My aim was to nightween asap so there was a big gap between stopping feeding ds in the night and the baby being born so hopefully ds will have forgotten night time boob by tge time the baby comes.

Sampanther Wed 16-Apr-14 15:29:05

I've half-heartedly tried stopping but she won't settle unless picked up. Can't sleep with her on my chest and a baby to feed :-/

WaterLoadaCack Wed 16-Apr-14 15:36:45

I have a child the same age.

Id continue to co-sleep.

Im still breast feeding but made my life a lot easier by teaching him not to feed to sleep. And I also started a 'count to 10 before we....' Leave the park/get off the ride/turn the TV off etc etc.

So during the night Id start to say "ok you can have a feed but Im counting to 10 then its back to sleep" eventually (after weeks) hes given up asking for feeds during the night and just has one in the morning.

I think it might bite you in the butt a little bit if you have all those changes at the same time. Id stagger them, or do the, slowly.

I personally would get a co-sleeper for the baby and continue to let the toddler in the bed.

Losing her home (maybe the only one she knew?) her mothers bed, her loved comfort, expecting to sleep in her own bed and deal with a baby doing all the things she wants, all at the same time wont work out too well. Id have thought.

Do it, slowly and staggered.

Good luckx

WaterLoadaCack Wed 16-Apr-14 15:40:52

Someone recently told me that she got her little one to stop feeding to sleep and at night by telling him the doctor said her boobies hand an infection, that she had to wear plasters on her boobies (he helped her put them on) and can only take the plasters off in the morning for a feed.

Which he eventually dropped.

My son would sooner kick the plasters clean off my boobs than fall for that bullshit but it worked for her son. wink

WaterLoadaCack Wed 16-Apr-14 15:42:40

Also (me again!) you could get a Gro Clock and say your boobs only work when the sun is on the clock?

Sampanther Wed 16-Apr-14 15:51:24

I think she'll accept that they're not working but the only other way she'll sleep is by being held, which I won't be able to do.

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