To be very annoyed at my SIL

(59 Posts)
PenguinBear Sun 13-Apr-14 10:07:05

we have an eldery relative in hospital (they are coming out soon and in good health). SIL lives 10minutes away and has grown up children so can pop to see him much more easily than us although she only goes once or twice a week herself. We live 90miles away and have young DC.

SIL rings this morning to see if we were planning to visit today. I said no as we'd already planned a day out and were going next week and were going to take him an Easter egg etc. she then tells me that she told him we would all be visiting today and she'd have to ring the hospital and tell him we weren't coming.

AIBU to be annoyed at her for this? I know she judges me terribly as I don't go every week but we really can't afford the petrol and it's so hard to find the time as I have so much work to do for work at the weekend. It takes all day so it's hard to go more than once every 2 weeks. He has 6 family members nearby who visit at the weekends and in the week so he's not alone.

She doesn't understand the fact that work (I'm a teacher) will not give me a day off to go and visit hmm

We've cancelled our plans and of course are going to visit today as I don't want him to be disappointed.

Fully prepared to be told IABU if I am!

soundevenfruity Tue 15-Apr-14 21:42:38

She might be concerned that all the looking after DFL will fall on her and is trying to make sure (awkwardly) that you know that your family will have to pull your weight. I think it's quite well known that sons leave caring for elderly parents to their sisters. 15 years gap is quite a lot so she might not be in the best of health but then you have a young family and leave further away so it has to be balanced. They need to discuss it between themselves and if they expect you to help out then they have to involve you in the discussion. If you start proving a point to your SIL every time you are going to hurt your FIL and it's a sad thing to be shown that you are a burden to your family. I would think about what would've happened if it was you father and what you would be prepared to do for him in this situation.

ADishBestEatenCold Tue 15-Apr-14 21:26:14

Also, I do sort of wonder why (if this is his father) your DP hadn't previously communicated with his sister to establish who was going to be available to be there for their father coming home, when he came out of hospital.

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 15-Apr-14 20:47:31

Yes, surely he should call. This is their father yes?
Not so that you don't have to be involved, but so htt your DP is involved.

ADishBestEatenCold Tue 15-Apr-14 20:40:04

"I've asked DP to ring her tonight. If he won't, I will!"

Is this 'elderly relative' your DP's father, PenguinBear?

If so, I think your DP really should be the one to ring his sister. in addition to your DP saying his piece (about your SIL making arrangements for you without asking), they do surely need to discuss their father's ongoing care and/or support needs.

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 15-Apr-14 20:29:47

Are you sure she oesn't understand about not getting time off work?
It would seem she's signed you up for a visit in the hols, not in term time.
I agree that's not on, if you hadn't said you were going though.

You've explained why,iyo, your DP nd you feel compelled to do as SIL asks, but not why he doesn't deal with his dais, or why e cat just go and visit his dad to augment the visits you already do.
I wonder whether she is just feeling the longer term burden of being the older sib and close to elderly relatives.
I k ow its really hard with small dcs. But I think it will surprise you, when yours are older, quite how much of your life they still occupy.

PenguinBear Tue 15-Apr-14 12:05:14

I've asked DP to ring her tonight. If he won't, I will!

Fairenuff Tue 15-Apr-14 09:05:50

OP you've given a reason why you both let her tell you want to do. So it's sorted then? You are going to carry on like this, with her telling you want to do because it suits all of you?

PenguinBear Tue 15-Apr-14 08:54:30

There is quite an age gap (15 years) between me and SIL and I think part of dp (and me) feels that we should respect her as she'a older. Plus she used to babysit my DP a lot when he was young so she treats him more like her son than her brother in terms of telling him what to do.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Tue 15-Apr-14 08:19:21

I know why. It's because she hasn't got a younger sister to bully, and her brother has kindly provided her with one.

DW is a younger sister, and my function along with DBIL, is to fend off her sister's attempts to crush her.

dollius Tue 15-Apr-14 06:23:59

Well yes, maybe the SIL does feel very put upon. But that doesn't explain why it is the OP under pressure and not her DH.

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 15-Apr-14 06:01:50

Fair point nennypops and aermingers

aermingers Mon 14-Apr-14 23:13:35

I know. I suspect that she feels very put upon and probably does a lot more than the OP either realises or is prepared to admit to us.

I suspect the SIL has got pretty damn frustrated over something to react like this as her sole aim seems to be to shame you into going.

I have to say I can't really understand why the OP and her DH are joined at the hip and have to go together. Why can't HE take a day off work, HE doesn't have lessons to prepare for Monday.

I have to say in the SILs shoes I would be cross that my brother was constantly not helping out purely because it wasn't convenient for his wife.

Nennypops Mon 14-Apr-14 21:29:14

It was ridiculous of her to tell your relative that you were coming without checking first. However, I have some sympathy with her as I'm in a similar position - I'm the one who lives near an elderly relative who is on her own in sheltered accommodation whilst other relatives live further away. Therefore I visit her at least twice a week, I'm the first person on call if there's a problem, I'm the one who sorts out her shopping, makes her appointments, etc etc; the other relatives visit maybe once in six weeks. I begrudge absolutely none of it, and I realise it's much more of a big deal for the others to make the journey. However, I don't think it really ever occurs to them that, even taking the journey into account, they devote much less time to said relative than I do, and there are times when I wish that they'd make just a little more effort.

So I agree that I'd like to hear SIL's side of this.

aermingers Mon 14-Apr-14 20:34:06

I would LOVE to hear DSILs side of this story.

TheRealAmandaClarke Mon 14-Apr-14 20:29:27

Ywbu to cancel your plans
What did your dh say? It sounds as though you're expected to manage this situation.
YANBU to be annoyed with your Sisil.

hellymelly Mon 14-Apr-14 18:40:12

I was in your position with my Mum, I lived two hours drive minimum from the hospital, and have young dds, my brother lived about 30 minutes away and has a teenager. My db completely understood why we only managed to visit every two weeks or so. Sometimes it was 3 or four if the girls had weekend stuff as we couldn't keep taking them out of school. dB visited twice a week most weeks. Now she is in a care home near me, as I wanted to take the burden off DB, and I visit three times a week, and DB (two hours or more away) once a month. Your Sil is being very unreasonable, not you. Stay firm, don't allow her to make you feel guilty.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 14-Apr-14 18:34:29

'Oh we told him you'd be visiting'
'Best go visit yourself and untell him then.'

If she says 'jump' and you say 'how high', things will never change.

dollius Mon 14-Apr-14 17:51:57

Why on earth is the onus on you to arrange all these visits and not your DH?

Can you imagine your own brother haranguing your DH to visit your elderly aunt in hospital??

Completely ridiculous.

Meerka Mon 14-Apr-14 17:45:51

I'd be saying politely that that doesn't work for us and she needs to talk to us before making arrangements on our behalf.

I'd also speak to your partner's father and let him know that you will make arrangements directly with him and not to expect you unless you've said it to him.

clam Mon 14-Apr-14 17:38:35

OK, so you made the most of it, but you still need to have a conversation with your SIL (or rather your dh does), telling her that she should not pull a stunt like that again.

expatinscotland Mon 14-Apr-14 17:23:00

More fool you to have cancelled your plans.

Stop allowing your SIL to bully and control you.

'No. That doesn't work for us.'

Whatisaweekend Mon 14-Apr-14 17:08:45

I think it was lovely of you to go so that your relative wouldn't be disappointed! However I would definitely tear your SIL off several strips for her rude and presumptuous behaviour (or have your dh do it - she is his sister, after all). How dare she make plans without consulting you!! Who the bloody hell does she think she is?? angry

Cocolepew Mon 14-Apr-14 17:05:09

I would never expect anyone to travel 90 miles to visit me if I was in hospital shock

ADishBestEatenCold Mon 14-Apr-14 16:51:59

So was this your DP's father, PenguinBear? If so, then you were right to go. Still perhaps galling to have SIL making arrangements for you without the courtesy of consultation, but you were right to go.

Hissy Mon 14-Apr-14 16:50:34

You need to call SIL and tell her that you did pop in and see the relative, but that in future she is not to promise your time to anyone. You don't take orders from her, or answer to her and you'd appreciate if she kept her own diary.

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