AIBU to have said nothing about this incident. Not world shattering just well, rude.

(172 Posts)
lolaisafuckertoo Sun 06-Apr-14 14:49:07

At a new school. Haven't made many if any friends. But on nodding status with a few folk who have kids in my dd's year.
Dropped DD to school other morning. went for a coffee in Starbucks sat down. Opposite me is one of the other mums who turned her chair round offering me her back. Some others arrive, start pulling chairs and tables together, took the one beside me. At one point one of them is as close as a few inches....no eye contact, not a hello....nothing, just getting together as many chairs as poss creating a ring of steel.

I sat for about another half an hour, joining in the pretending that nothing was happening before leaving with as much dignity as I could find eventually bursting into tears in the car park.

Should I have leaned over and said something or would I have achieved absolutely nothing. I am still bewildered by my own behavior and theirs

YouTheCat Sun 06-Apr-14 14:51:43

They won't all be like that. I believe you may have come across the alpha group - or at least the ones who think they're alpha, not that it matters because that kind of thing is a load of balls.

How about asking one or two of the more friendly people if they fancy a coffee?

Are you sure they recognised you? Because if they did they are phenomenally rude.

However I can imagine seeing you there and thinking 'I'm sure I recognise her' but not putting 2 and 2 together out of context so not saying anything because I wasn't sure if I knew you or not. If you see what I mean?

WorraLiberty Sun 06-Apr-14 14:52:41

Did you say "Hello" or "How's your child getting on at school?" etc..

I'm not sure if it was that rude or not, if they'd all arranged to meet..unless of course you did try to make conversation and they ignored you.

Personally I would have asked you to join in even if you didn't say anything.

But then again, I may have thought you didn't want to be bothered as some people just want to grab a quiet coffee.

ArtisanScotchEgg Sun 06-Apr-14 14:52:49

Did any of them recognise you? Were they all from your DD's class or was it a get together for another class?

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Sun 06-Apr-14 14:53:24

Theres not much a normal person would do in that situation. Anything you said would of made them ferl justified in their vicious treatment of you. Some people are just dicks and not worth your time xx

jonicomelately Sun 06-Apr-14 14:55:54

I don't understand some people. I was the new parent at school and was invited to another Mum's house. Another parent arrived and I could see the panic in her eyes that she may have to sit next to the new parent. FFs. She didn't even know me. She eventually found a tiny space next to somebody she actually knew.

jonicomelately Sun 06-Apr-14 14:56:18

I should say, ignore them OP. You are probably too good for them.

lolaisafuckertoo Sun 06-Apr-14 14:58:19

I have spoken on occasion with two of them. ONe of them nodded at me. then walked straight past to join in the group. It was a small starbucks. I see these people every day, stand feet from one another at the school gates.
They are of the opinion that they are special, it is obvious but does that negate good manners?
Should I sasy something the next time I see ring leader? I feel like I have let them away with it. I don't want to hold onto it, but something in me makes me feel I let them away with it

I'm quite assertive and confident. However in your situation I'm not sure I'd have had the confidence to walk up to a big group and ask to join them when they'd not even said hello. So don't beat yourself up about not being more proactive.

So with the benefit of your update I think they are unfriendly rude bitches, or at least the ones who clearly recognised you are. Assuming they know you are new to the area and don't know anyone. If I'd been them I would have asked you if you wanted to join us.

How about asking another of the mums you like the look of asking for coffee with you after drop off?

CoffeeTea103 Sun 06-Apr-14 15:05:00

Why are you so desperately trying to befriend this group of people.

You went to Starbucks first, did you ask anyone to join you. If they decided as a group to go beforehand and saw you sitting by yourself why would they ask you to join? I would have also assumed you're enjoy a nice quite cup of coffee.

If you want to make friends with them go and extend yourself, instead of waiting for a welcome committee.

jonicomelately Sun 06-Apr-14 15:05:33

Don't say anything at all. If you do you'll regret it forever.

HowContraryMary Sun 06-Apr-14 15:05:51

I must be monumentally thick, or thick skinned because when I see people I know I tend to say hello, or nod and wave. Only if I were directly blanked would I be wondering why. Mind you I can be an awkward cuss and if blanked that would make me approach the person and speak slowly and directly, like they were a wee bitty simple grin. But I wouldn't sit there and stew on it for half an hour.

lolaisafuckertoo Sun 06-Apr-14 15:07:01

Thank you Yellow, I have this image of myself just taking their rudeness being very wet and sort of wandering off bent over in a cringe.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 06-Apr-14 15:07:55

Yes they were very rude, but life's too short for rude people in your life.

YouTheCat Sun 06-Apr-14 15:09:09

Saying anything won't change their lack of manners and won't make you any friends.

Why would you want to hang out with people like that anyway?

went for a coffee in Starbucks sat down. Opposite me is one of the other mums who turned her chair round offering me her back. Some others arrive, start pulling chairs and tables together, took the one beside me. At one point one of them is as close as a few inches....no eye contact, not a hello....nothing, just getting together as many chairs as poss creating a ring of steel

So in this situation, particularly when the first 'interaction' was a mum deliberately turning her back on the op, you'd have gone and asked to join in would you coffeetea? Because I can't think of many people who would feel confident enough to ask to join a large group who were seemingly ignoring them. And as I say I'm naturally a confident assertive person.

ZenGardener Sun 06-Apr-14 15:12:04

Meh, just hold your head high and blank them.

SaucyJack Sun 06-Apr-14 15:12:48

I really don't get the problem- tho I am an anti-social fecker. I have absolutely no inclination to speak to people I see out and about purely because our kids go to the same school, and I assume it's the same for many other people.

There are women I've been seeing twice a day for over six years now....... and we've never exchanged a word.

Chottie Sun 06-Apr-14 15:14:36

I would not confront any of them, I would not want them to think that I cared about them or their opinions.

I agree it is unkind and spiteful behaviour. I could not have done it, I would have smiled, said hello and invited you to join the group.

There must be other mothers at the school, could you not ask a couple of them for a coffee and a chat?

Sending you an unMN hug { } you sound the sort of person I would like to have a coffee and a chat with.

CoffeeTea103 Sun 06-Apr-14 15:15:44

My point is why is the op so affected by the other women? If they are a group of friends why would you ask a stranger to just join your group if they have nothing in common with you?
Other than their children attending the same school as hers what else do they have in common.

jonicomelately Sun 06-Apr-14 15:18:07

Blimey coffeetea that's really quite an obnoxious attitude.

The op is so affected by the other women because she is in a new place with not many friends. So the school gate is one of the few places she's going to meet people. I totally agree that there is no need to socialise with parents at school of you've already got an established social group but the op hasn't. So off course being blanked by a large group of women from the only place she's likely to easily meet people is going to upset her.

And of course if they're like this then of course it's no great loss as they don't sound like they'd make good friends but in the op's spots of be upset too

AllMimsyWereTheBorogroves Sun 06-Apr-14 15:22:04

OP doesn't say she wanted to join them. The problem is that she wasn't even acknowledged by them, let alone invited to come and sit with them. That is very rude and hurtful. It would have been fine if just one or two of them had smiled as they came in and saw her, said hello and then sat down with the others. Being deliberately excluded is a horrible feeling.

Earlybird Sun 06-Apr-14 15:23:57

Completely understand how you felt, but agree with the other poster who said 'don't say anything'. If you do, you'll be the topic of their next gathering. You acted in a dignified way, and should continue to do so.

It simply shows that this is not a group of women you want to be friends with. Don't take it as a rejection. Their ungracious behaviour says more about them than it does about you. There will be some nice women at the school gate, but often it takes a little while to suss them out. They are usually not nearly so obvious.

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