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To wish I was straight

(65 Posts)
HotChocolateAndACookie Thu 27-Mar-14 22:29:06

I have name changed for this in case someone recognises me.

I'm a lesbian and I hate it. I'm actually only out online, I haven't actually told people in real life for fear of how they will react. I've tried so hard to be attracted to men but it just doesn't work. I've had boyfriends but I've never had a long term relationship, I always end it before it gets too serious as I hate leading them along like that. It's also a nightmare for me to have to pretend to be attracted to them and it just gets too hard to play along in the end. I haven't been in a relationship for two years now and I've made a vow to myself to not date any more men and will always turn down any offers for a relationship from men these days, using the excuse that I'm not ready for a relationship yet.

Everybody thinks I'm straight and I feel like I'm living a lie constantly. I really do wish I was straight as it just seems easier that way but lying is just so tiring and I know I won't be able to hide it forever.

I'm scared about how people will react, that people won't accept it and I fear people being homophobic towards me and that I will get abuse for it. My mother is homophobic and I know she will hate the fact that I'm gay. I worry that any future children will be bullied for having a gay mum.

I mean, it's not wrong to wish I was "normal" (and I hate that word), right? Just for an easy life.

HotChocolateAndACookie Thu 27-Mar-14 22:29:20

Sorry about my poor English.

Littlefish Thu 27-Mar-14 22:34:47

You poor thing, that sounds really tough. I don't think there's anything wrong with wishing you were happy, but seeking to fundamentally ignore or change your sexuality is not going to bring you happiness.

Do you have any friends who are gay? Are you involved with the gay community at all?

Although your mum may be homophobic, you can choose to be around people who are not. You can choose to be around people for whom a person's sexuality is a non-issue.

Dahlen Thu 27-Mar-14 22:36:28

I sympathise. The world has come a long way, but sadly there is still a lot of bigotry around and I can understand your trepidation.

Would it help to get some counselling? Maybe you need to work on feeling a bit of anger and defiance about this. There is nothing wrong or abnormal about being gay/bi and anyone who says otherwise is a bigot whose opinion on the subject doesn't matter even if you agree with them about other things - including your mother.

Unless you live in a particularly "traditional' area, however, most people probably won't take much notice and will soon lose interest. You may well feel an awful lot better once you've come out.

If I were you I'd see about joining a support group (online and anonymously if you're not ready to do it in person) and maybe getting some counselling tailored for someone in your situation.

Chin up. You should be proud of who you are and unashamed of your sexuality. You've done nothing wrong.

Pipbin Thu 27-Mar-14 22:39:28

Are you in the UK? If so then there is bound to be a support group or phone line near you.

Donki Thu 27-Mar-14 22:42:08

Of course YANBU - they are your feelings.

But there is nothing wrong with being gay, although some people can be horribly homophobic.

(((Hugs)))

MrsBartowski Thu 27-Mar-14 22:42:16

That sounds so tough OP.

But you are being so much harder on yourself then anyone else is likely to be.

I have a lot of gay friends and the one thing I hear more then anything else is how they had worked themselves up over coming out and it turned out to be much less of an issue.

My daughter is best friends with a girl (in high school) who's parents are gay. She has never been bullied for it. My son is friends with a boy with gay parents too and I know of three gay couples in nursery and reception (these are the ones I know about of course, through out the school I have no idea)

I honestly don't think it's the big deal that it used to be. Of course, it feels like a huge deal to you though!

consideringadoption84 Thu 27-Mar-14 22:42:35

I sympathise. I'm the same as you except that I'm asexual not homosexual. But completely relate to the desperately trying to make relationships work and ending up leading on men you are not attracted to at all simply because you want to be so much.

This is massively hypocritical of me to say as I haven't told a soul about my (lack of) sexuality but I do think you would feel happier if you were able to come out and perhaps see that, really, who you love doesn't matter to most people at all.

Supercosy Thu 27-Mar-14 22:43:52

I'm really sorry you feel that way. I do understand. I'm gay and I used to feel a bit like that before I came out. I really knew no lesbians and had a very warped perception of "what lesbians were like"! I struggled alot in the first few years.

The things that helped me were reaching out to other gay women. I actually started a support group in my area which is still running after 18 years. I tell you this because in the time it has been running literally hundreds of women have come to our drop ins who have been feeling conflicted in the way that you do. You are not alone. Seek support, you will find others who feel or have felt as scared as you do.

Please feel free to pm me if you want to chat, I am very happy to help.

HotChocolateAndACookie Thu 27-Mar-14 22:44:30

I'm not involved with the gay community, though I was thinking about joining in some LGBT groups just to meet others who might be in the same position but I'm scared word will get round and someone who I know will find out and I'm just not ready for that. sad

My mum keeps asking me when I'm going to 'meet a nice man, settle down and get married' and of course the answer to that will be never but I can't tell her that.

Like I said, everyone thinks I'm straight. Yesterday my best friend said I'd been single for far too long but she has someone she'd like me to meet who would be 'perfect' for me. She wants me to meet him next time we go out. I just smiled wearily, knowing nothing is going to come out of it.

I doubt I'd be taken seriously if I came out anyway.

Supercosy Thu 27-Mar-14 22:46:21

I agree with others too that things really have moved on in the last few years. I very, very rarely meet with homophobia in my daily life and I am out and proud. Dd is the same, inevitably she's had the odd bit of teasing about gay mums but nothing terrible that she couldn't cope with.

lessonsintightropes Thu 27-Mar-14 22:46:26

I'm bi and very happily married to a man, but if the right woman had come along then I'd hopefully also be very happy with her too. Speaking from some experience, both my own and my out gay cousin, trying to keep a lid on it is exhausting. I am sorry you are in this position. Do you know how your immediate family and close friends might react? DCous was terrified about it and whilst his Dad was awful, the rest of out very large family were hugely relieved when he finally plucked up the courage to do it as we'd known for years and were dying to support him. You might have more support than you'd think. Even his 90 year old Gma was brilliant. It's so much easier these days although still a massive hurdle.

Slutbucket Thu 27-Mar-14 22:48:14

Living a lie will not make you happy you can't help who you are attracted too. Is there someone who you trust enough to tell? I have a friend who was married to a man until she hit self destruct. She is now in a happy relationship with a woman and a baby. Everybody all kind of went argh that makes sense now. It wasn't the big deal she thought it was going to be.

Supercosy Thu 27-Mar-14 22:50:33

You poor thing, it sounds really difficult for you. Is there one person that you think you MIGHT be able to tell? Coming out can be really scarey and if and when you do it is entirely up to you. I really would urge you to make contact with some LGB support groups if they have some in your area. It can feel so lonely. Do you live in a very small community or are you in a larger city?

HotChocolateAndACookie Thu 27-Mar-14 22:51:34

I'm friends with a couple of gay people but they're all males, I don't know any gay women. At least not that I know of anyways.

I'm the biggest hypocrite going. I always say there's nothing wrong with being gay and that it doesn't matter and that people should be honest about who they are. Yet how can I say that when I can't be honest myself?

I'm not sure that this is terribly helpful but one of my newer friends 'came out' to me today. I suspected from the first, but I didn't want to say anything until he was ready.

He mentioned it because he'd just told his parents. He said they took it badly and that his Father has 'gone off on a strop' and has 'disowned him'. I think this is a little of an over-dramatisation as he then went on to say that one of his siblings is also gay, and that the parents took that badly, although they're coming around to the idea.

It is a shame that you're not yet comfortable with who you are, but you are making it hard on yourself by assuming that everyone is going to be so horrified/shocked. Although I say that assuming you're in the UK where generally people would not see this as a big deal.

Do you have any close friends that you can confide in?

I do think Littlefish is quite right though in saying * I don't think there's anything wrong with wishing you were happy, but seeking to fundamentally ignore or change your sexuality is not going to bring you happiness*

You are what you are, and whether you prefer Milly or Billy you are still the same person that everyone knows and loves.

Supercosy Thu 27-Mar-14 22:53:07

How about talking to someone on the phone about your feelings? That could be a start?

I'm sorry your Mum is rather homophobic, but don't take your cue from her.
There are plenty of people who aren't.
All the nice people in fact!
Remember friends are the family you make for yourself.
Time to make more friends and put a little more distance between you and your Mum's way of seeing the world?
Good luck x

Jolleigh Thu 27-Mar-14 23:02:55

I found that the unhappiest time of my life was when I wasn't open about who I am. I'm bisexual and nowadays extremely open about it, despite my homophobic mother. Mine got over it though it took me displaying a set of balls I just didn't know I had until that time.

I'd highly recommend integrating yourself into the gay community somehow, even if you just visit a gay bar once a fortnight for a while. Become comfortable with who you are.

You will come into contact with some people with unpleasant views. A lot of gay people treat me with scorn for example. As far as some people are concerned, a bisexual woman who's with a man is actually a straight woman who'll kiss girls for a man's viewing pleasure. Not the case - I fall strictly for personality rather than anatomy. You become accustomed to accepting that some people are narrow minded.

Best of luck OP. x

lessonsintightropes Thu 27-Mar-14 23:05:12

Jolleigh I could have written that (experience), great advice.

AnnieMaybe Thu 27-Mar-14 23:07:13

This must hard horrible and confusing

I often think it's easier for males to come out as gay than females. There seems to be much more support and acceptance for a gay man than a gay women.

There are many helplines and resources online you can access anonymously to talk things through. Is that worth a look?

If your mum wasn't homophobic would you feel happier?

I'm asking as I know a few people who thought the same about their Mums but when they came out their Mums didn't bat an eyelid and supported them

If you don't mind me asking what age are you?

HotChocolateAndACookie Fri 28-Mar-14 10:17:38

I'm 23.

I often think it's easier for males to come out as gay than females. There seems to be much more support and acceptance for a gay man than a gay women.

Although many people would disagree, I actually somewhat agree with this. I think a lot of people don't take lesbians seriously. I've heard people say that so and so is only a lesbian because they haven't met the right man yet or they have the idea that women are only gay for the sake of straight men. You barely hear these things said about gay men.

arselikekylie Fri 28-Mar-14 10:27:21

OP - a lot of people spout a lot of crap. They usually aren't even thinking about what they are saying imo.

You haven't killed anyone. Don't worry how people are going to react. Even those that react badly initially will come round to the idea. If they don't then you have to just feel sorry for them more than anything.

Be happy smile

I have heard people say so and so is only a lesbian because they haven't met the right man yet and I will happily tell them that they're talking crap!

I have realised that you're exactly the same age as the friend I spoke with yesterday.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to tell people. I've had friends (of both genders) take me to one side and tell me that they're gay, I have had people being full on "I am what I am" with singing, dancing and sequins, I've had people dropping hints.... really, whatever works for them.

I think you're taking the right approach for you. You're out online. You've stopped dating men. I think you just need to tell your friend that you're not interested in meeting this 'perfect' man.

If you're in the London area I have a friend who would happily take you under her wing.

By the last part of that I mean she would happily support you, and, if you wanted, introduce you to some gay women, socially.

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