to have let dd speak her mind to dp?

(739 Posts)
MrsHamsterCheeks Thu 13-Mar-14 22:55:37

Dd is 7, dp has been around since she was one. Recently she's been really off with him - not wanting him to take her to school, hold her hand,read to her and so on. She'd rather miss out on doing something she enjoys than do it with him. He seems to just grate on her. For example, if her breakfast is ready I'd tell her so, if she didn't go to eat it within a minute I'd check she'd heard then leave her to it - her own fault if it goes cold, though 99% of the time she goes within a couple of minutes.

Dp on the other hand would tell her it's ready, then keeping saying 'come on, breakfast is ready' every twenty seconds until she gets annoyed or even try and lead her to the table. She is very headstrong and likes to do things on her own terms but he just doesn't seem to get her anymore. By his method she usually leaves her breakfast then he'll offer her something else, so it isn't that I'm pandering to her - quite the opposite.

Today dp took our dd (14 months) out for a few hours as I had some work to catch up on. He then collected dd from school and took her to the dentist. When they returned I had cooked tea, I washed up, tidied, sorted out school bags, bathed the kids, did homework with dd, read stories with them both etc. He watched football and/or sat on his phone.

When he heard me telling dd2 that it was the last story I heard him creep upstairs and go and sit on dd1s bed as she'd been playing in her room. When dd2 and I entered dd1 glared at dp and said: 'i don't know why you're pretending you've been playing with me, mummy knows you've been downstairs on your phone you know.' He mumbled something about tidying up and she started ranting about how he hadn't tidied up, or washed up, or anything else because I'd done it as well as everything else while he played on his phone confused

She then proceeded to tell him that all he'd done that evening was upset dd2 by making her have tummy ache because all he'd fed her today was two lots of chips and a packet of crisps and by turning off the iPad quickly when he heard me coming downstairs so I wouldn't know he'd stuck dd2 in front of igglepiggle 'yet again.' I honestly never rant to or about dp so this tirade hasn't come from me.

Dp looked shocked and had a go at her for being a 'completely disrespectful little madame' and turned to me and said 'are you going to let her speak to me like this?' Dd2 was then sick so I had to sort her out but I could hear her and dp still bickering. I put dd1 to bed and said we'll talk in the morning as dd2 is still being sick and dp gone to work.

Aibu to have let her speak her mind? I feel it might do her good to get it off her chest as the resentment has obviously been building but then feel I'm undermining dp. However, everything she said was true so I can't tell her off for that. Maybe just speak to her about voicing her opinions more respectfully?? What do you think?

Abbierhodes Thu 13-Mar-14 22:59:54

He sounds like a terrible dad, and your 7 year old telling him so should ring massive alarm bells for you.

Janethegirl Thu 13-Mar-14 23:00:32

Difficult, maybe dd1 has the truth of the situation, but can't say it diplomatically. I'd keep a close eye on DP and dd1 and see what happens. Perhaps DP is on his phone more than he should be.

BumpyGrindy Thu 13-Mar-14 23:01:50

YABU. It's not her place to berate adults. She shouldn't even be AWARE of what housework he's doing or has not done....

CoffeeTea103 Thu 13-Mar-14 23:01:57

There might be some truth, but your dd is being very rude as well.

HarderToKidnap Thu 13-Mar-14 23:03:35

It's not great that he sat on the phone, but I'll put that aside as that is a separate issue between you and him.

But the way she spoke to him is disgusting, in my eyes. Supercilious cutting 7 year old girls need to be taken down a peg, to be honest. I would be absolutely outraged if DS chose to speak to me or DH like this and would definitely be presenting a united front to really hammer down in that behaviour. There are ways to express your displeasure with something and being disrespectful and unkind is not an acceptable way.

Chippednailvarnish Thu 13-Mar-14 23:04:19

There is something very wrong here, your DP sounds like a crap parent, you sound like you're a casual bystander and your DD sounds like she has had enough of both of you.

Littlefish Thu 13-Mar-14 23:05:39

You need to talk to your DP about a fair division of tasks. It is not up to your 7 year old to do it. She was being rude.

Joysmum Thu 13-Mar-14 23:06:00

I would ask your DP if he disagrees with the content if what she said and if he wasn't even remotely concerned that at her age she'd noticed and didn't respect him. I'd remind him that respect was earnt, not demanded.

Then I'd ask DP if he wanted me to tell DP not to be truthful or feel able to being up her concerns. That'll tell you want you need to know about him and his attitude.

Your DP needs to be dealt with before you can consider what to do about your DD. At her age, she won't have the skills to be much more than angry. Reasoning and social skills come will age and experience.

Janethegirl Thu 13-Mar-14 23:09:20

OP I'm guessing 7 year olds don't lie, so I'd believe her. I'd always encourage children to speak their mind but obviously not to lie or be disrespectful. But if your DP was being unreasonable, I'd want to know.

MrsHamsterCheeks Thu 13-Mar-14 23:10:31

Bumpy how can she not be aware of housework when she lives here?! I think the prompt for that comment was because I asked him to put the hoover away and he asked where it goes...!

Harder how is what she said unkind, though? They are just statements of fact.

Chipped dd has no problem with me. Not sure where you got that idea from.

MrsHamsterCheeks Thu 13-Mar-14 23:12:06

Yes Jane, she was 100% telling the truth. That's what makes it difficult - I don't want her to feel like she has no right to speak.

WorraLiberty Thu 13-Mar-14 23:12:59

Fucking hell you're going to be starting a very different thread when she's an out of control teenager OP.

Cos that's exactly where I see her headed if she doesn't learn some boundaries.

I think 'completely disrespectful little madame', is putting it very mildly.

DrOwh Thu 13-Mar-14 23:15:22

I don't think he is necessarily a crap parent as people are saying here.
Or does he not ever do any housework or anything?
So today, he took DD2 out to give you time, collected DD1 from school and took her to dentist and played on his phone before going to work.
Hardly the crime of the century.

But if you don't complain about him or you don't argue about housework or parenting, how does she even notice who is doing what and when?

Janethegirl Thu 13-Mar-14 23:17:20

I'm sorry but I think as long as dd1 is telling the truth she'll be fine. I really hate adults that blame kids for their own inadequacies and expect to get away with it because they are 'adults'. I think dd1 will be fine in later life.

* Worra- Fucking hell you're going to be starting a very different thread when she's an out of control teenager OP.*

I was thinking just the same.
Lazy DH or not the way she is speaking to people sounds a bit much for a seven year old. It's more in line with a super stroppy teen.

wilkos Thu 13-Mar-14 23:18:15

YABU, on so many levels. And totally ineffectual, because you should at least have an idea by now as to your dps standard of parenting, and dealt with it yourself.

It was very disrespectful of your dd, and not an acceptable way to speak to any family member.

Janethegirl Thu 13-Mar-14 23:19:44

Sorry, I do not feel dd1 was being disrespectful, she was telling it as it was.

WorraLiberty Thu 13-Mar-14 23:21:28

Oh and as an aside, if I make breakfast for my children I expect them to come and eat it when I tell them to and not when they decided to grace the breakfast table with their presence.

That's just basic manners.

She is playing divide and rule. Not good for her feelings of stability, not good for your relationship, not good for DH. You need her to know that you are in charge of your relationship. Are you?

OP, let's put your daughter's rant tonight to one side for a bit, and just talk about the subject of her rant. You say she "she was 100% telling the truth". So, how do you feel about your DP and the current division of domestic chores? Is it fair? If not, are you resentful? Have you and DP discussed it, and if so how did it go?

" I honestly never rant to or about dp so this tirade hasn't come from me."
You don't have to have ranted yourself to have been the origin of your DD's rant. If you are resentful of the division of domestic labour, your DD will have picked up on it, whether you've voiced that resentment or not. And if your daughter feels protective of you, then that could have sparked her rant.

MoominsYonisAreScary Thu 13-Mar-14 23:24:48

I think she was rude, you do need to get to the bottom of why she seems to have such a problem with him but i wouldnt have alloud her to be so rude about it.

Two of my ds are older than her and wouldnt notice who did the pots/tidied what away

Piscivorus Thu 13-Mar-14 23:25:32

He might be being crap but that is, or should be, between him and you.

I think any child speaking to an adult like that is really rude and disrespectful. I also think it is appalling that you allowed that to go unchallenged because it shows a total lack of respect for your DH. God help you when she is a teenager if you tolerate that now.

MrsHamsterCheeks Thu 13-Mar-14 23:25:36

Mrs Owh - he was out with the children for 4 hours. When he came back, his previously fully charged phone had to be recharged as it was down to 10% battery. That's a lot of phone use. He chose to go to work as he was in a huff and was on phone/watching football while I did everything for three hours beforehand.

Worra we don't eat breakfast at the same time so it isn'tllike anyone is waiting for her. She is never ever usually rude, she was praised for being the complete opposite in fact at parents evening last night.

NatashaBee Thu 13-Mar-14 23:26:36

Putting aside what your DP does or does not do in the house, your DD was incredibly rude and yes, you should have presented a united front with your DP and told her not to be so rude. I would give her a chance to explain what's caused her change of attitude to him and air her grievances, and work with him to make some changes to fix it - but you need to parent together. I'm shocked that you think the way she spoke to him was OK. That said, she sounds very angry with him for some reason and you need to get to the bottom of that.

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