To think my DP is being unreasonable to be pissed off!?

(164 Posts)
yummystepford Fri 07-Mar-14 21:37:22

AIBU? I have been with my partner for nearly 2 years and I had 2 children from a previous relationship. I am 6 months pregnant. Baby wasn't planned and dp had originally said he didn't want kids but changed his mind and was very happy to be expecting! (More so for me at first) anyway 2 weeks ago I did a bit too much and went into premature labour, was given drugs to stop the contractions and steroids and it was quite scary. I was let home after 3 days and have been resting ever since. My dp had to drive an hour and a half each way to visit me in hospital and he came everyday in between school runs and the like. Since I got home however it's like he resents me because he has had to do everything. The house is a state, laundry needs doing, there's no food in and he ignores my list when he does go shopping. I've been doing my best to appreciate that he is trying to keep it tidy, doing all school runs, cooking dinner everyday, making packed lunches and going to the shop. I am starting to feel well again after a few more minor issues after coming home, and the house is now too much for me to tackle and there is no clean space or food to start helping with things like packed lunch. He often buys sandwiches from the shop and uses other stuff from home. Anyway, we don't have a proper plan on money and now we live together I am more dependant on him and have to trust him to sort stuff. I get child benefit and maintenance into my bank and he gets the tax credits and his money. Last week I had to go back to hospital and he had to leave me there to go pick up the boys from school and I got discharged 2 minutes after he left and I had no phone credit to tell him to wait. (He was going to sort out adding a contract sim to his account as it worked out the cheapest option by far) I figured I would get some food as I was very hungry, I had £4 in the bank. The cafe was cash only. The shop took card, so I choose a sandwich, crisps and a chocolate bar, at the till I found out the minimum transaction was £5 but don't worry as there was a free cash machine outside! FFS! So had to sit and wait from half 2 until 4pm to be picked up and then didn't eat until we got home. I pointed out that as well as similar problems the first night in hospital it was clear we needed to make a plan with money because it was very frustrating. That was a week ago. Today I took his bank card out to get money out to get my eyebrows done and forgot to put it back (I am 6 months pregnant and forgetful) the kid have gone to their dad's for the first child free evening in a month and I did my hair and make up and was going to forget about the horrible stressful week and about how annoyed I am at my messy house. We drive out to a nice place to eat in a village, sit down, choose our food and then my other half went to order and realised he forgot his card. He hadn't checked as he usually does before we go out, as I often have it for food shopping and stuff. After I said oh it must be at home. He walked out. He didn't say a word in the car and slammed the door. Came home and got into his comfy clothes and has disappeared out into the kitchen. He is very pissed with me! Why should this be any different to when I was stuck at hospital with no food because of a silly error of him leaving just before I was discharged!

yummystepford Fri 07-Mar-14 21:38:03

That was meant to say more so than me, not for me hmm

Gosh, that was lengthy and paragraphs would have really helped. Just going to have a second read through and then will respond properly.

gamerchick Fri 07-Mar-14 21:43:09

hes a petulant child.

transfer the tax credits to your bank account until further notice.

Ok. Firstly, you need to rest rest rest. Keep that baby inside as long as possible. If that means he does what he can when he can, amd standards slip a bit, then fine.

Second, it isnt his fault that you got discharged two minutes after he left, nor that you had no credit on your phone, but if it were me I would have begged and pleaded the nurses on the ward to let me use their phone.

Thirdly, of you are so skint, then getting your eyebrows done is a total extravagance.

Lastly, he was an arse in being so stroppy when he didnt have his card, but ot would have pissed me off too.

gamerchick Fri 07-Mar-14 21:44:22

is there family or a bunch of good friends to come over and tackle the house? I think this needs to be sorted for you and your kids before you tackle him.

DameFanny Fri 07-Mar-14 21:46:36

Yes, you should be getting the tax credits into your account.

Have you pointed out that you're growing a whole person, and he should be able to cope with a bit of laundry and tidying?

skittycat Fri 07-Mar-14 21:46:48

I don't think you can compare the two instances. I don't know why it's classed as your partners 'error' to leave to go and collect the children... Did he know you were going to be discharged? Did he know you had little money?

I can understand him being a bit pissed off if I'm honest.

Custardo Fri 07-Mar-14 21:47:45

nowt stoppin you from ordering food online - you dont have to move for that.

otherwise - you are fretting about the unimportant - its pregnancy we all do it

apart from money, Girl - you make sure you have control of money
thats all

gamerchick Fri 07-Mar-14 21:49:33

people trying to starve off premature labour take note... christ.... there are no words hmm

NearTheWindymill Fri 07-Mar-14 21:51:06

I'm sorry I'm not sure if I've read all that quite right. How was it his fault that you had no phone charge to call after you were discharged or that you had no cash and only £4 in your account? Also, you took his bank card to pay for your eyebrows and didn't put it back so it's his fault for not checking?? I'm sorry I just don't get the priorities.

I appreciate you are pregnant and you have had a scare but he seems to be doing his best to care for your children. Where was their father when all this was going on.

Daisyjane12 Fri 07-Mar-14 21:52:39

I think yabu not him

yummystepford Fri 07-Mar-14 21:54:42

I didn't mean it was his error, I just mean it was a stupid error. I am hoping he sees (as I pointed out to him) that as a result of basically sharing his bank card we both end up in sticky situations where the card is not left in one place. And as I have asked him a few times to sort something more proper out a few times and since being left at the hospital I don't think he can be too annoyed at me really. Just feel he's maybe thinking I'm being lazy and getting annoyed that I've not done a lot to the house, but I have helped a bit and it was spotless when I went into hospital.

yummystepford Fri 07-Mar-14 21:56:56

And there is more than enough money for me to have my eyebrows done. We do ok financially but all that money is in his bank and only ever a small amount in mine, not enough for all the food and petrol and stuff. I am not allowed to use his card online atm because my laptop is really crappy and doesn't have anti virus or any security and is going to be replaced.

gamerchick Fri 07-Mar-14 21:58:34

get the tax credits paid into your bank account.

NearTheWindymill Fri 07-Mar-14 22:02:08

OP - no-one but me uses my bank card on the internet or anywhere else. Nobody but DH uses his. What did you do for money before you met your dp?

MrCabDriver Fri 07-Mar-14 22:06:06

I think it's fair enough that he was annoyed, it would really annoy me if I was out and public and couldn't pay because someone else left my card somewhere - incidentally how did you pay?!?!

The hospital thing isn't his fault either ...best thing to do would have been check you had credit, knowing it's likely you'd have to contact him at some point or asking on the ward for the phone.

I think it sounds like a stressful time for all of you, have you got some friends or family that can help you do a big clean up to get back to nor all?

Are the tax credits in his bank because he works? (Assuming he gets worming tax credit?)

ThreeFromDesire Fri 07-Mar-14 22:07:19

Why is he getting the tax credits paid into his account?

yummystepford Fri 07-Mar-14 22:07:24

I had money from working and tax credits. I have about £50 a week go into mine, I have to pay a few small debts from that and the rest I use or food and stuff and when it runs out I have to use his bank card. How else am I meant to buy food and everything? I wanted to have either a joint account or him to give me money to cover that stuff, and he pays all the bills, which is why the tax credits go into his account and it's only a small amount because of his earnings.

If you share your bank card you're not covered for fraudulent use. I use my own card and he uses his. We don't have joint accounts but transfer money over if and when necessary.

In that case get him to transfer an amount every week / month, it's not fair that you have to keep 'asking' for money for things.

GreenLandsOfHome Fri 07-Mar-14 22:11:30

You sound like a child tbh.

I can understand why he was pissed off. Why is all the money in his account? Just transfer some into yours. Why are you waiting for him to 'sort something out'?

rollonthesummer Fri 07-Mar-14 22:16:21

If I only had £4 left in my bank account, I wouldn't be getting my eyebrows done!

It sounds like you were a pain not putting his bank card back and he was annoyed.

yummystepford Fri 07-Mar-14 22:18:06

I obviously can't transfer money from his account to mine, we've lived together for 3 months and I've been asking him to make a decision on whether he would prefer to transfer money to me, or open a joint account or something. My point is, both times we were left without food because of the lack of system with money which is ultimately something he has been ignoring, so why when it finally screws him up instead of me this time does he get to be pissed off with me? The only reason he didn't check his wallet is because for 2 weeks I haven't used his card as I haven't been out the house

yummystepford Fri 07-Mar-14 22:18:21

Except to go to hospital

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