to ask dds teacher to speak to my exH about doing homework on his weekends

(57 Posts)
terrificallytremendous Thu 27-Feb-14 23:53:00

Dd is 6. Her dad has been collecting her from school every other Friday for his contact weekend since September. She has a reading book, spellings and homework to do over the weekend and he doesn't do any of it with her. She gets upset and asks me to do it with her on Sunday evening, which I have been doing, but she's tired and should be winding down for bed at this point so it takes ages longer than it should. I've asked exH to help dd do it over the course of the weekend, but have been ignored.

It's parents evening next week and we're attending separately. Aibu to speak to dds teacher first and ask her to emphasise the importance of doing it over the weekend she's with him? Or is it my problem to deal with if he's being an arse?

noblegiraffe Thu 27-Feb-14 23:56:03

Can you not ask the teacher for an additional day so you can do it on e.g. Monday night instead?

bedouincheek Thu 27-Feb-14 23:59:54

YANBU. If he wants to be a parent, then he has to parent. If he will not listen to you, then YANBU to ask someone else to reinforce good parenting advice fucking common sense ffs. Just ensure that they do not mention you in their advice, as it will negate the request as being you 'nagging' through the teacher. Maybe present it as that to the teacher (as a worry, so having to 'manage' the message). FWIW, go your supporting and caring parenting OP!

bedouincheek Fri 28-Feb-14 00:01:23

oops i meant fucking common sense ffs (slightly less aggressive and certainly not directed at OP!)

terrificallytremendous Fri 28-Feb-14 00:11:11

Dd already has anxiety issues noble, asking for an extranight singles her out and she'd hate that. Plus I don't think exH should just be let off. He is a parent, he shouldn't be able to choose not to act like one.

Nocomet Fri 28-Feb-14 00:17:44

YANBU at all, if you are the parent for the weekend you are responsible for all jobs that need doing and I agree most 6y wouldn't want an extension. They like to fit in.

Finola1step Fri 28-Feb-14 00:30:59

As you have a separate parents evening, tell the teacher that you and your dd are both working hard with the homework. But be honest and say that when dd is not with you every other weekend, you can see that homework is not being done and that you try your best to catch up. That by Sunday evening, your dd is understandably quite tired. Leave it there. Factual, that's all.

The teacher can then decide to raise it with the other parent. Do not ask the teacher to "have a word". As a teacher myself, I have been put in this position a number of times and it can be very uncomfortable. Give the teacher the facts and let them decide what to say and do.

emptychair Fri 28-Feb-14 00:40:15

Definitely what Finola says. Don't ask the teacher to get involved. I'm a teacher and would not get involved.

ilovesooty Fri 28-Feb-14 01:05:27

I agree with Finola too, for the reasons she states. Also it occurred to me that the teacher's work is already extended by seeing two parents separately.

However I think it's sad (not your doing of course OP) that the expectations at primary level result in a little girl being stressed and anxious at the age of 6 about completing homework.

I agree with you that 'he's a parent, he shouldn't be let off' but it's not the teacher's job to make him step up to the mark as a parent. It's also a pain in the arse when parents insist on separate appointments tbh. If every child's parents needed two appointments parents' evening time would double and become totally unmanageable. I have had to arrange my appointments next week because one child's parents won't even be in the building at the same time. Other parents haven't been able to have their preferred time to accommodate this.
I think you need to discuss this with him again and make it clear how upset your dd gets.

Rosa Fri 28-Feb-14 06:21:34

I don't see any reason if the parent is going to the school to discuss the childs progress why the teacher cannot stress the importance if homework without accusing or getting involved. It seems a pretty simple thing to me. If he is taking the time to show concern about her progress in school then he should be informed about all aspects.

Rosa Fri 28-Feb-14 06:22:29

Sorry but if the child was falling behind in spellings and reading and homework will help so the teacher should only tell the mother????

Littlefish Fri 28-Feb-14 06:34:42

I disagree with many people on here. I am a teacher and know that many of my colleagues have had conversations with Non resident parents about the importantance of reading/spellings/homework being done by both parents. Our reception teachers often make up additional packs of phonics games so that both parents have one at home.

Parents have equal responsibility to ensure that a child's education is well supported.

AnythingNotEverything Fri 28-Feb-14 06:41:37

I wouldn't involve the teacher any further. I would remind then on resident parent of the importance of the homework and tell them that the child would have to come home sooner to allow you time to do it with them.

terrificallytremendous Fri 28-Feb-14 12:58:50

It isn't my choice to have separate appointments, he wants to go with his gf instead of me. I will mention that she's anxious about homework not being done at the same time as everyone else and that every other week it's a problem for her.

Finola1step Fri 28-Feb-14 13:13:09

Hi Terifically. I think you are taking the right approach. Hope the meeting goes well.

Rosa in my previous post, at no time did I suggest that the teacher should only tell the mother if the child is falling behind with homework etc. My advice was for the OP to tell the teacher the facts and then leave it to the teacher to decide what to say to the father.

Essiebee Fri 28-Feb-14 13:41:30

See the teacher first and tell her the issue with homework; it happens increasingly with separated parents, as the non- resident parent usually simply wants fun with their child. The girlfriend coming along? Other partners are quite often super critical, which all adds to the difficulties. This is why I think it so important for both parents to be there together, with no extras to complicate the situation; sometimes parents evenings turn into marriage guidance sessions. Try for this, although to be honest Ex probably won't agree; sadly the interest in school dies away with the advent of a new partner, but it does make it easier for the resident parent to organise school issues.

MidniteScribbler Fri 28-Feb-14 19:32:19

When having two separate parent evenings I always make sure that both parents are told the same thing, so if I were noticing that homework was of a lower standard or not being done every second weekend I would make sure that it is discussed with both parents. You can then tell the teacher that you are doing the homework with her on the weekend you have her, and that every second weekend it is done on Sunday night due to her being at her father's, she is quite tired by then, and may not be up to standard. There is no need to ask the teacher to tell the other parent anything, they are not the intermediary between two parents who cannot be in the same room for whatever reason.

terrificallytremendous Fri 28-Feb-14 22:09:26

I know midnite, the problem I face though is that if she mentions a general comment about dds work being below standard at any point I'll face a barrage of abuse from him saying I'm a shit mum, she should live with him etc etc. So do I keep quiet so she doesn't mention it and let dd continue to have the issue or mention it and risk weeks of abuse? Can't win either way tbh.

ivykaty44 Fri 28-Feb-14 22:14:14

Just tell him after parents evening

The teacher told me she knows when did has been with you for the weekend as her homework is never done and she does crap at her spellings, nice to know that good parenting is noticed

If he is a twat treat him like a twat

Hissy Fri 28-Feb-14 22:30:24

Stop the weekends then.

Tell him he can see her for a couple of hours on Saturday or Sunday, but as she's falling behind due to his inability to help her, that something has to give, and it'll be his disney dad time that has to go.

No way should you request extra time for your dd either. It's not fair on her OR the other kids in her class.

If the tests are Thursday or Friday, that might help, as it gives you some week day time to put some time in to spellings/maths etc.

terrificallytremendous Fri 28-Feb-14 22:40:51

Spelling test and book change day are Monday and they hand in their homework as they answer the register so it's very apparent and singles her out if it isn't done. We do practice her spellings the rest of the week but homework and reading book on a Sunday evening plus bath etc just isn't doable. He also can't manage to empty and clean her lunchbox, or return her uniform and belongings half the time either so it's just one big hassle. I might not mind so much if she actually enjoyed contact but the majority of the time she's palmed off with someone else or his iPad.

Hissy Fri 28-Feb-14 22:53:52

Then tbh, you have to rearrange the friday collections to saturday.

Then at least you'll have her uniform etc.

Write to the school and ask them to consider moving the test day. Monday is brutal!

Have her back on Sunday morning so you can get some weekend time and prepare her for school the next day.

School work only gets more from now on.

Ours is test on Thursday, homework set on Friday, so we have the weekend AND the week days. If we're frantic on a weekend, he can still put some time in through the week.

terrificallytremendous Fri 28-Feb-14 23:00:25

Reducing/stopping contact is playing into his hands as he loves the attention it gains him so I'm playing by the book. I've asked three times now that he empty lunchbox and do homework, if he ignores it again I've said I'll have no choice but to have her back earlier on sunday and to stop school collection. He said he'll take me to court if I do. Hopefully any judge would think I'd been reasonable in my request and given plenty of chances to change for dds benefit.

Hissy Fri 28-Feb-14 23:29:06

What attention?

LET him rant and rave! You don't have to listen to it.

Your dd schooling needs support.

Contact is for the benefit of the child not the parent.

She's not benefiting , actually her schoolwork is suffering and she's got no meaningful interaction with him if he palms her off, or hands her the iBabySitter.

You take charge and he can do what he likes.

Refuse to discuss it with him.

Inform him that contact is Saturday morning until Sunday afternoon until further notice, due to his failure to provide adequate parental support to her/her education.

Then leave it at that.

He's fucking with your life, and that of your dd, and she doesn't even have a good time!

He's not the idiot that goes indoor skiing and leaves her alone in the cafe, is he? (often wonder what happened to that little mite) sad

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