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Can't decide how unreasonable I'm being. It's a pregnant wedding one

(69 Posts)
KiwiBanana Wed 19-Feb-14 08:47:51

We've been invited to a wedding on my due date, DP has been invited to stag do 3 weeks before I'm due in Amsterdam. It's DPs cousin and the wedding is about a 2 hour drive away, we also have a 3 year old who I don't think is invited.

My first reaction was that we obviously wouldn't be able to go to either, but DP is disappointed with this. He wants to go to at least the stag do and I think will try and wangle his way in to me letting him go to the evening bit of the wedding if I'm not in labour.

Tbh I'm surprised at this as he honestly usually is supportive and would put our needs first, but there's family history that means him being invited to this wedding is important for him.

I really can't see myself being comfortable with being left with toddler all weekend while I'm full term and don't want to call on family for help as 1) why should they have to and 2) I'll need the help more when in labour and after baby is here.

I feel massively uncomfortable at the thought of him going off on my due date. I know it's not the other end of the world but it's just an added complication I don't want at that stage. Am I being a bit precious and unreasonable to say no to either? I can't even think of any sort of compromise.

KiwiBanana Thu 20-Feb-14 19:53:36

With DS I had to be induced at 42 weeks and then it took 24 hours in labour, so I'm assuming that this one will more than likely be a bit late and not a super fast labour. I know you can't predict these things but if I have any niggles at all then I would ring him to come home. Even if all he managed was to show his face at the ceremony then that would keep him happy I think.
I have MIL round the corner to look after DS and my neighbour is pretty lovely and would be delighted to help if needs be. It wouldn't be ideal but I think it will be ok.

MrsMook Thu 20-Feb-14 19:18:10

It amazed me the difference in length of first and second labours, first one being 40 hours and second one, 10 although from time of realising that the pain was in waves and actually Labour it was less than 4 hours. If he has to cancel or return home, are you happy to have half the family assuming that something is happening even if there's an innocent reason?

Glad he's seen sense on the stag night. That was totally unreasonable.

Serafinaaa Thu 20-Feb-14 19:15:05

My partner is in the forces and we are TTC. If we are lucky enough to conceive then I'll feel grateful if he is only 3hours away on his normal base when I go into labour. It's possible he'd be in the Falkland Islands! I'd let him go to the wedding but be on standby in case of a quick getaway.

hamptoncourt Thu 20-Feb-14 19:03:26

But the wedding is two hours away!!! I had my second baby in less than 2 hours start to finish. First DC was a more "normal" 8 hours.

What will you do if you haven't had the baby by then? Will you be OK having the baby on your own or do you have another birthing partner as well as someone to have DC1 whilst you are in labour?

Chunderella Thu 20-Feb-14 18:44:58

You've been left with no choice but to be controlling, because he decided to be unreasonable.

KiwiBanana Thu 20-Feb-14 18:27:36

Yes thanks we're all sorted now. He's emailed back and said he definitely can't make the stag do but is hopeful about the wedding. Hopefully they will understand, if not then tough luck! I don't want him stopping over though in case anything happens during the night, it would literally just be the ceremony and some of the reception and then back home for 10pm.
Bless him, I feel like I'm being a bit controlling about it but I suppose it can't be helped. He put me in this position so he'll have to deal with it!

maddy68 Thu 20-Feb-14 17:19:15

I think it's reasonable that you ask him bit to go to the stag do as it's abroad and the baby may come early.
I would allow him to go to the wedding (in fact I would probably go myself) as baby's rarely come on due dates but he must not drink. And have his phone on at all times!

thenamestheyareachanging Thu 20-Feb-14 16:23:10

Chances are that baby won't be born on your due date (although one of my lot was), which surely means it's likely to be no problem for one or both of you to attend the wedding - if you're not in labour or giving birth that day then surely dp can go, as he'd be able to get back easily. And if you haven't had the baby yet then there's no reason you can't go too if you want to, assuming you have childcare for your dd?

Stag do depends what you're both comfortable with.

SelectAUserName Thu 20-Feb-14 16:05:09

"there's family history that means him being invited to this wedding is important for him"

And he has been invited, so that's great. Is his cousin so unreasonable that a heartfelt reply along the lines of "I would have loved to come to the stag do and the wedding, I'm gutted I can't be there and I'd love to catch up with you afterwards for a meal/drink and to hear all about it, but I'm sure you understand I don't feel comfortable leaving Kiwi alone so close to the birth" would cause Family WWIII to break out?

Is the problem the potential fall-out from cousin if DP declines, or DP having a cob on because his impending baby - he was presumably conscious and consenting when it was conceived? - is cramping his style?

JennyOnAPlate Thu 20-Feb-14 15:51:30

Big no from me.

My dds were both born at 37 weeks. Dd2 arrived less than 3 hours after my first contraction.

I actually think he's being really selfish.

HoratiaDrelincourt Thu 20-Feb-14 15:33:08

grin ENorma

I guess you know what I mean about pesky stop-start third babies too wink

Lucylouby Thu 20-Feb-14 14:42:17

My BIL got married 6 days before my due date, 4 hours from where we lived. I told DH there was no way we could go and if he went anyway and I went into labour not to expect a phone call. He agreed it would be selfish of him to go. As it was we had a two day old baby on the day of the wedding so wouldn't have gone anyway. Made it easier in a way as all the in laws were on the other side of the country instead of interfering with us.
I don't think he should go to the stag either. Things change really quickly during pg, it's just too far away. If it was a work thing he wouldn't have the choice so that would be different, but this is pleasure, there is a choice and he should stick with the choice he made nine months ago and be with his family, helping you out.

LayMeDown Thu 20-Feb-14 14:38:50

There are all sorts of scenarios here and under some of them and with certain conditions I could get on board with the wedding. I would still need to be pregnant and showing no signs of labour. He would leave for the evening do and drive back that night or early next morning. He would not drink etc etc.
I would not be happy with the stage because I wouldn't be pleased to be left on my own heavily pregnant for 3 nights so he could go on a piss up. For work yes for drink no.
But all this is completely immaterial because my H would not even have countenanced going to either. Even if I was fine with it he would not be prepared to take the slightest risk of missing the birth of his child. I don't think he would even tell me about the stage do. I am surprised your H is not more concerned about missing the birth tbh.
For the record all 3 of mine were early (4 weeks, 2 weeks, 4 days) and the two youngest arrived in less than 2 hours.

petalsandstars Thu 20-Feb-14 14:31:03

My friend went for the 40 week due date check up and had high blood pressure, was sent to hospital and induced that day.

I have been pregnant with toddler to look after too, and imo I wouldn't have wanted DH too far away if he could help it

BillyBanter Thu 20-Feb-14 14:28:37

I've said he can say yes to the wedding on the proviso that they understand he might not be able to attend if things are hotting up here and that he can help arrange someone for me to be with during the day if I feel like I need it.

That sounds about the right balance as long as he can definitely get back and isn't going to be drunk or hungover.

pmgkt Thu 20-Feb-14 14:09:55

My dh was best man for his twin brother, the wedding was 2 days before my due date, and the stag do in this country about 6 hours away was at 37 weeks. I gave my blessing to the stag on the basis that he had his phone with him and didn't drink so much that he couldn't get the train back. As for the wedding I was also happy that and it may be both of us, or just him. I had arrangements that the grandparents would take ds1 with them to the wedding if we couldn't go, there was a reserve best man and just about every scenario had been covered. My only stipulation was that if I was in labour he couldn't go, and they were happy with that. In the end I was admitted to hospital while he was on stag, due to complications and ended up with a section a few weeks later. We all went to the wedding , ds2 was 10 days old. As the wedding was 2 hours away we stayed over and the new baby met all the family early in life. It was fine. In your case I would say no to stag and provisional yes to the rest for you both but that until the day you won't know for sure. I'm sure they will understand. I did also research the local hospital to the wedding so that I knew where it was if I needed it. That said there was also a midwife on the guest list!!

Inertia Thu 20-Feb-14 14:04:16

He has totally lost sight of where his priorities lie and should be declining both.

Preciousbane Thu 20-Feb-14 14:02:44

YANBU at all, both mine were early and you just never know. If the stag do was in the UK and not so far away then maybe ok. My babies arrived quite quickly as well though not 34 minutes.

Also your further post, what a bunch of wankers.

OrangePixie Thu 20-Feb-14 14:00:57

It's not just giving birth at 37 weeks that might be the problem. I went for my standard midwife appointment at 36.5 weeks, blood pressure was up and I was admitted to hospital that day for the rest of the pregnancy.

You just don't know what might happen and Amsterdam is too far away.

BackforGood Thu 20-Feb-14 13:58:04

I think the combination of the distance he would be away (at the wedding) and the fact it is a 2nd baby so statistically likely to be a quicker labour) that would make me hesitate, but it would depend how important the wedding were to him - you've alluded to it being quite important. As someone else said, I don't get this "can't leave me alone" thing, presumably he will still be going off to work / out to get the shopping in / etc. when you are heavily pregnant.
dh went to his friend's wedding on the due date of our dc3 - really wasn't an issue.

ENormaSnob Thu 20-Feb-14 13:52:41

Beat you horatia grin

Dc1 4 hours from first twinge
Dc2 2 hours
Dc3 6 hours
Dc4 34minutes

How would you feel if he missed it through his own selfishness? Not something i would get over in a hurry tbh.

GoshAnneGorilla Thu 20-Feb-14 13:52:11

What Oldandcobwebby said.

I am stunned anyone is defending such crap behaviour, he shouldn't go to either.

Also, to who ever said you should stay with your Mum, why should your Mum have to pick up the slack while he has a jolly that will probably end in shagging some poor, trafficked woman?

HoratiaDrelincourt Thu 20-Feb-14 13:42:04

My DC2 was precipitate - from first thinking I might possibly be in labour (but probably a false alarm or just late pg symptoms) was about four hours. Time from definitely knowing I was in labour to holding a baby in my arms was under an hour. I'm told this is not uncommon with second babies don't ask about third though.

My feeling is that if he goes to Amsterdam when you're in your due window (37-42w) then he risks missing the birth. If you're supported (eg a sister to have the toddler, mother to drive you and be your birth partner) then that might be fine. But if he wants or needs to be there on the day, going so far away is crazy.

Similarly, the wedding day - remembering that I was only sure I was in labour for an hour - if he is two hours away then it would take more like three to make his excuses, get home, and drive you to hospital. If you have other options, fine, but if he wants/needs to be there... etc.

Also, it's terribly terribly hard to be heavily pregnant with a toddler in the house. Your lap isn't deep enough; you can't reach to play; you're exhausted before you even get up in the morning, etc.

OrangePixie Thu 20-Feb-14 13:30:40

The stag do is a no, as he can't get back quickly enough.

The wedding is ok as long as he is ready to drive back at a moment's notice, keeps his phone on hand and emergency childcare is in place for your other DC.

SaucyJack Thu 20-Feb-14 13:19:52

My second labour was around an hour and a half long.

If he actually gives a shit, then it's perhaps slightly unwise of him to be two hours drive (at the very least) away on your due date.

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