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to think these instances do not render me mentally ill?

(51 Posts)
PinkHardHat Mon 10-Feb-14 21:31:02

My mum is schizophrenic. She tried to kill me when I was 15 and refuses to medicate, I've had no contact for years for my childrens safety sake. My exH used to regularly infer, as well as say outright, that I am mentally ill, too. This has come up again today as he has said I'm 'erratic', 'acting demented' and 'should seek help before someone does it for me.' These are the instances that have caused him to say this:

1. He has been collecting dd from school for the past couple of months on the Friday of his weekends contact. One week he forgot to return her coat, another week it was her shoes, another week it was her scarf, hat and gloves and another week it was her lunch bag. When I've told him he's forgotten them he's said he'll return them in a few days. When I've said it's winter and she needs these things (it's a 1.5 mile walk to school) and that I don't have spares so need them back sooner, he got angry at me and told me that I'm BU to expect him to return them sooner and that she'll be fine without them.

2. He has never had contact beyond one or two weekends per month, despite me offering holiday contact via email. He has history of leaving it a day or two before the holidays, then claiming he didn't realise it was the holidays (despite his mum who he sees everyday being a teacher) and saying he would've loved contact. I emailed him in November giving dates he could have holiday contact if he wished and asked that he replied by the end of January so I could make plans. He usually books his holidays in December for the following year. He didn't reply to my email, despite having read it, yet tonight called to say he'd be collecting dd on Monday for holiday contact. I said I assumed his lack of response meant he didn't want any holiday contact and so we've made plans. He's now threatening court.

3. When he collects dd from school he doesn't do her homework, spellings or reading with her or empty and clean her lunch box - leaving it all for me to deal with on Sunday evening when I also have other children to be seeing to - he just has dd. I've asked that he do these things over the course of the weekend as I can't not do them if he hasn't as it upsets dd who worries she'll get in trouble. He refuses, saying he wants quality time with dd and doesn't have time to do those things.

Aibu and 'demented' in the things I've said/done?

Coldlightofday Mon 10-Feb-14 21:34:30

Clearly you ANBU and YANBD.

He is being mean in the extreme to use terms like that, especially to someone who had such a horrible experience as a teenager.

He also sounds like he is being an arsewanker in terms of his contact.

Floggingmolly Mon 10-Feb-14 21:35:25

If anyone sounds demented; it's him sad. What an arse.

Mim78 Mon 10-Feb-14 21:36:40

No he is taking advantage of the fact you are sensitive about your mum to make you doubt yourself. Sounds from your post as though you are perfectly reasonable.

I don't know what you should do - my instinct would be to say don't see her if you can't behave - but I have not been in this situation so do not know.

Please do not think you are mentally ill as there is nothing unusual about your requests.

AnUnearthlyChild Mon 10-Feb-14 21:37:06

Tosspot.

Him. Not you.

nocheeseinhouse Mon 10-Feb-14 21:38:43

He's a wanker- ignore. He knows what will hurt you, and so goes for it. Because he's a wanker.

NatashaBee Mon 10-Feb-14 21:39:31

YANBU, he's just a knob.

AdmiralData Mon 10-Feb-14 21:40:22

YANBU Op. You are not demented.
The guy sounds like a douche.
I'd tell you to LTB but it seems you've already done that wink

Mushypeasandchipstogo Mon 10-Feb-14 21:40:40

YANBU he is . He is an unreasonable twat.

phoolani Mon 10-Feb-14 21:40:41

You're being gas lighted. All the more effectively because he knows of the mental illness history in your family. Safely ignore.

You sound like a caring, organised parent. He doesn't.

Funnyfoot Mon 10-Feb-14 21:46:31

He is a bully. He is using the only thing he can to bully you. He is failing as a father and instead of admitting it to himself or you he is bullying you to the point where his shittiness is over shadowed by his abuse of your apparent mental health.

Limit your contact with him. He will not clean her lunch box or read with her because he is a shit father. The more you ask him to do it the worse it will become for you and he still won't do it.

If he wants to go down the legal route tell him that's fine. Keep every e-mail you have ever sent him. In fact only communicate via e-mail.

When he starts to abuse you walk away. He has no hold over you. You do not have to stand there and take it. Don't speak just turn around and walk away. Then write it all down. Date, time and what he said.

This man has no right to talk to you in such away so don't let him. He is an EX for a reason. Stay strong smile

Viviennemary Mon 10-Feb-14 21:47:46

He is saying these horrible things because he knows it will hurt you. I'm sure everyone agrees on this.

NoodleOodle Mon 10-Feb-14 22:01:15

It's a form of abuse, well documented in domestic abuse situations - to try to make someone feel like they are, or are going mad. Ignore him and live a life as happy as you can, best revenge.

Melonbreath Mon 10-Feb-14 22:05:01

He's an ex for a good reason, he's a dick!

Tell him to go ahead and take you to court, and take your email with you.

gimcrack Mon 10-Feb-14 22:23:53

He is a despicable cunt. Remember this in all your dealings with him.

PinkHardHat Mon 10-Feb-14 22:27:46

He was abusive in other ways too, dd and I had to flee to a hostel. I just can't see how me saying she needs her coat in February and can't wait ends up in him saying he's taking me to court?! He keeps missing everything (parents evenings etc) then telling dd it's my fault as I didn't tell him - though I have, as well as signing him up for school letter emails. He also tells dd she's missing amazing things when with me but on the weekends she's there doesn't actually do anything with her. He's trying to incite me to tell dd he's a liar, I think, which I won't stoop to. But if he wants to take me to court because he's incapable of organising dates then so be it.

It's him, not you. There's fuck all wrong with you.

Even when both parents have schizophrenia a child only has a 40% chance of suffering with it smile

Only communicate by email. Never respond to insults. Let him take you to court for contact if he doesn't give you holiday dates. End contact early enough for you to do spellings etc. Don't let him pick her up from school as he will forget the things she needs. In short, don't rely on him for anything. - he is NOT co-parenting with you, he's just a massive fuck face out to annoy you. Contact the CSa for money.

grumpyoldbat Mon 10-Feb-14 22:34:04

Sounds like my ex. Record every arseholish thing he does because my ex acted like this then twisted every last thing that happened in order to take me to court and make malicious complaints against me. Not saying he will just be prepared for every eventuality. I really hate people like him.

PinkHardHat Mon 10-Feb-14 22:38:09

His latest one tonight is that he's reporting me to the school, council and social services because dd had a day off school three weeks ago. She was sick on the Thursday so had Friday off as per the sickness policy. Until then she had 100% attendance record. Because I took dd to the cinema on the Saturday he says she wasn't really ill so he's reporting me hmm I know it's ridiculous but hate the school thinking we're a pair of idiots who can't get on for dd.

I have been considering stopping collection from school if he continues to forget her things. He said 'everyone makes mistakes' and that I'm being irrational by 'demanding' he brings her things back. I said it's happened numerous times, always to the detriment of dd, and that he only has to be responsible once or twicepper month - it isn't much to ask. He says I'm jealous he's home with his gf and trying to disrupt his evenings...!

FreudiansSlipper Mon 10-Feb-14 22:39:20

He is bullying you

he is undermining your confidence in yourself this is why you are questioning it

please try best to ignore, do not get pulled in (by explaining yourself or arguing with him) and remember all the time he is a bully

PinkHardHat Mon 10-Feb-14 22:48:44

It's really hard to not get dragged into explaining myselfwhen he sspeaks such crap. But I guess it gives him the satisfaction of knowing he's getting a reaction so I should keep it factual and to the point. His last word has been the only way I can prevent court proceedings is to cancel the plans dd has for half-term and send her to his. Not likely.

MiniCracker Mon 10-Feb-14 22:58:51

It is so hard not to get pulled in by the crap. But you have to try and not let it affect you.

Do not respond/acknowledge anything he says about mental illness.

Plan Sundays any way you can so that you have time to do homework with her once she is home. Even if it means dvd for the other children.

Charity shop/Primark and pick up the cheapest spare hat, gloves, coat etc. Better than nothing if he forgets. Even better send her in them on the days he picks her up so its not the good stuff getting lost. Later in the year look in the sales for winter stuff for next year.

Keep a diary of all his crap re not taking up contact, special email folder for him so you have evidence.

You shouldn't have to waste your energy on this kind of firefighting I know but it gives you back some control of the situation.

bodygoingsouth Mon 10-Feb-14 23:07:42

Minicracker said it all. totally agree.

innisglas Mon 10-Feb-14 23:36:40

Totally abusive behaviour. My daughter's father was like that, as soon as he knew my achilles' heel, he used it every chance he had.

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