WIBU to never have sex with husband again until he has the snip?

(195 Posts)
jobesaurus Mon 10-Feb-14 14:40:33

Hi, apologies as this will probably be long and jumbled because my head is all over the place.

So as the title says really, is it an unreasonable request that if my h is asking me to abort our baby that he should really take steps to ensure it never happens again?

We have found ourselves in the position of me becoming pregnant with a 3rd child(have 2 girls already) and h is adamant that the pregnancy can't continue as he doesn't think we'd cope with another baby financially or emotionally. We haven't been using contraception apart from the withdrawal method as I can't use hormonal methods and h is reluctant to use condoms so we both knew we were taking a huge risk. I have told h that if I abort the baby then he has to have the snip but he doesn't like that idea one bit so I can't see how to move forward from this?!!

I know the option is there for me to be sterilised but that means me having the termination, then getting sterilised and then having an operation to fix my knackered pelvic floor and to be honest I just don't think it's fair that it's me having to go through all of that.

I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that I'll have to have a termination especially as I was informed today that I have to wait until I'm 6 weeks to have the procedure(I'm 4+1 today but found out on Thursday as was feeling sick, sore boobs, tiredness) by that time the tiny baby's heart will be beating and it feels so wrong for me. It will take me a long, long time to try and come to terms with it but h basically said that the strain of a 3rd baby will break us apart so my choice really is baby or husband(and daddy for the girls)

I'm not sure AIBU is best place for this but couldn't find a more suitable board.

Jesuisunepapillon Mon 10-Feb-14 14:44:00

You poor thing. Yes of course he should have the snip. I think you need to have a think about whether abortion is right too. If it is that's fine, just don't do something like that because someone else wants you to. You could end up resenting him massively.

SimplyRedHead Mon 10-Feb-14 14:47:52

Poor poor you.

If you don't want to have an abortion but go ahead with it for your husband, you could well lose him anyway. The pain and anger and resentment could easily split you up.

Is there a chance he's just in shock? What would happen if you just refused to have an abortion. I'm very pro-choice but really don't see how you could forgive someone who forced you to have an abortion you don't want.

You really have my sympathies.

You were using the withdrawal method, you both knew there was a huge risk of pregnancy. What would he say if you said you didn't want a termination.

To be honest, if there is any doubt in your mind whether you actually want a termination then DO NOT get one.......it's a massive decision and you can't do it just to keep him happy - would be curtains for your relationship anyway.

And with an attitude like that I would never be having sex with him again....ever!

expatinscotland Mon 10-Feb-14 14:50:06

If YOU don't want an abortion, then don't have one! I wouldn't have sex with him. Either, until he uses a condom.

Davsmum Mon 10-Feb-14 14:53:35

He is reluctant to use condoms??
How bloody selfish!

You should only have a termination if you really feel you should/want to.

I don't think any man should HAVE to have a vastectomy if he does not want one - but the least he could do is to use a condom!

Years ago my ex husband suggested a termination when I got pregnant with my 2nd child - He said we could not afford another baby and I had suffered PND after the first baby.
I just could not go through with a termination - so I didn't! - He had to accept the situation.

God knows how depressed I would have got if I had had the termination - especially so soon after having PND.

SimplyRedHead Mon 10-Feb-14 14:55:47

Also, too add I would say you are being very reasonable. I had a similar conversation with my husband. After years of being on the pill and then having three kids I am adamant I will not be having any kind of physical operation to prevent more kids.

He doesn't want any more but is horrified at the snip. He's be happy for me to have it though. I've refused and we know that there is a (small) risk I could get pregnant again.

I absolutely would not be having sex again until he'd had the snip.

bellablot Mon 10-Feb-14 14:57:31

No YANBU. It sounds like he's forcing you into a situation that you will regret. You both knew the risks but carried on anyway, he ought to be ashamed of himself. He's being incredibly selfish, he needs a good kick up the backside with a size 10 steel toe cap, not missing the Crown Jewels! confused

bodygoingsouth Mon 10-Feb-14 15:01:35

neither of you has the right to force each other to have medical intervention of any kind.

MiniTheMinx Mon 10-Feb-14 15:04:40

You poor thing, husband or baby? Is that blackmail? He sounds incredibly selfish.

Think very carefully about whether you want a termination and don't allow yourself to be swayed by any kind of coercion. There is always a way.

If he is the person so adamant that he doesn't want/can't/won't cope with any more children, he should have the snip/put something on the end of it/go without.

whiteblossom Mon 10-Feb-14 15:07:21

op, my dh and I were in the same contraception position as you.
I cant take the pill, he wont use condoms but was not wanting the snip..

The difference being I wanted another child. I suspect we would have gone on like that and got pregnant but thankfully he agreed to another child- however after this child is born we will be in the same boat again...

I think my dh should have the snip, for years I took the pill, now its his turn.

Im sorry you are in this position- I actually asked my dh what he would say if I fell pregnant and he just said 'we'd cope'...

As someone has said- don't terminate unless you are sure its what YOU want. Your dh (like mine) is not facing up to his responsibiltys and its unfair to make you the one to deal with the end result.

YES I think its fair to with hold sex- sensible actually.

gobbynorthernbird Mon 10-Feb-14 15:07:47

I wouldn't have sex with him, but mostly because he's an arsehole.

bodygoingsouth Mon 10-Feb-14 15:09:21

it's no more his situation making than yours though op. you are both adults and parents so you made the decision to risk pregnancy together so you have to solve it together.

how you do that is up to you primarily as you are the one pregnant but it was a joint decision to take the risk.

horrible for you though love and very difficult.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken Mon 10-Feb-14 15:13:09

Um, I'd leave a man who tried to pushed me in to an abortion. Obviously.

And most certainly I would think less of a man who is happy for me to undertake all the risk of pregnancy or sterilization or hormonal bc because he doesn't want a 10 minute little procedure.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 10-Feb-14 15:14:37

He is making you choose between your pregnancy and him?

hmm

I think that means your marriage is over.

That is a vile, vile, abusive, shitty thing to do.

I'm actually shocked that anyone could be so fucking horrible.

Whether or not you have this baby should be a decision you make based on a life without this scumbag in it.

randomAXEofkindness Mon 10-Feb-14 15:21:58

I wouldn't have sex with him, but mostly because he's an arsehole.

This ^^.

He's putting you in an awful position. As other posters have said, having a termination that you regret will inevitably be the end of your relationship with him anyway. If you're not absolutely sure that it's the right thing for you, don't do it.

He's got a bloody cheek.

randomAXEofkindness Mon 10-Feb-14 15:23:16

playfellows put it better than me. I wasn't harsh enough.

MiniTheMinx Mon 10-Feb-14 15:24:10

neither was I and I agree with playfellows

expatinscotland Mon 10-Feb-14 15:25:02

'but h basically said that the strain of a 3rd baby will break us apart so my choice really is baby or husband(and daddy for the girls)'

Abusive blackmail. He cannot stop being a daddy to his children just because you don't do what he wants. HE is as responsible as you.

I'd tell him there's the door, my solicitor will find you at work about the maintenance you will pay.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

The short answer is that someone, anyone, too selfish to use contraception, get the op or deal with the consequences shouldn't have sex with anyone, never mind someone he is emotionally blackmailing. I would think long and hard about your marriage.

bodygoingsouth Mon 10-Feb-14 15:25:53

could you live with this man happily and carry in after an abortion op?

it doesn't matter what strangers in the net think.

seems you have 3 choices.

abort and carry in as before.
abort and leave this obviously nasty man
have the baby and split from your dh.

do you have family help?

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Mon 10-Feb-14 15:26:41

This is incredibly abusive. If e didn't want another baby, he should have used gotten over his fear of condoms.
A termination is a totally fine and reasonable thing for someone to do if that's what they want, but it is not, repeat NOT a form of contraception. Maybe you should inform your dickhead of a husband of this fact. And then LTB and build a beautiful life for you and your children without this idiot blackmailing and abusing you.

I think the real decision here is whether you continue with your pregnancy or choose a termination.

This should be your decision. I think he is being very unreasonable and controlling in his approach like it's his decision to make. IMHO he should recognise that fundamentally it's your decision.

It sounds to me that you would want to continue with the pregnancy so I think you should do that whatever the consequences for your relationship.

The other question is very much secondary to all this.

YouTheCat Mon 10-Feb-14 15:31:02

I'd be tempted to get rid of the husband and keep the baby tbh.

He's putting pressure on you to do something you really don't want to. It is your body and your choice. It's also his choice if he doesn't want the snip but he has to wear condoms if hormonal contraception doesn't work for you if he doesn't want you to get pregnant. He's not prepared to be an adult about it, is he? I'd never let him within 5 ft of me again with his attitude.

bodygoingsouth Mon 10-Feb-14 15:33:35

yes agree ^^ decide upon if you want the baby op, forget him and his demands for a while. what do you want?

and you know you do t have to settle for this apology if a man. he sounds a lousy dad as well as a husband to he honest.

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