AIBU to be loathed and sad to turn down a job offer

(93 Posts)
BitsinTatters Mon 10-Feb-14 08:55:37

I'm just turning down a job offer for a job I really want, with a great firm, team seem lovely... because I can't afford the child care

Feel very deflated and sorry for the poor chaps that offered me the job any way. Feel like I've wasted their time.

KeatsiePie Mon 10-Feb-14 23:51:12

Anyfucker will be along in a minute I'm sure This made me snort with laughter.

But ... so you know this arrangement with the money isn't right, then. Not that you have to have a joint account, but it's not reasonable for the childcare to be only your problem. If you and DP sit down and discuss and then decide together to take childcare out of only your income, okay, that's your decision as a couple, but he can't just decide alone that he'll kindly contribute $x and the rest is on you. No more than you could say "Hey DP, I've decided to go back to work. Childcare will cost $1100. I've decided I'll pay $50 of that, the rest is your problem."

I think you should take the job. It sounds like it will make you really happy.

pandarific Mon 10-Feb-14 22:56:11

You don't necessarily need a joint account, but you do need to talk about how your money is worked out. Have you talked to your partner about the job?

AlbertoFrog Mon 10-Feb-14 22:48:17

Can I just say, we as a household don't have a joint account (but we do have a joint credit card). Joint accounts are not essential for a partnership, however, talking about money is.

I went part time when DS came along and my share of the household bills was reduced while DH took on the larger share.

OP you really need to sit down with your partner and discuss this. Good luck.

kungfupannda Mon 10-Feb-14 22:39:55

Childcare is a family expense. As a family, longterm, you would be better off with you earning. Your issue isn't the childcare - it's your husband being a tit.

BitsinTatters Mon 10-Feb-14 22:39:11

Panda - we don't really talk about money

Chippednailvarnish Mon 10-Feb-14 22:34:28

Your DP sounds like a prick.

Why not ask for a higher basic salary and lower commission? At least you could cover the CC and know it won't cost you money to work.

pandarific Mon 10-Feb-14 22:33:55

How's your relationship when money is the conversation topic in general? How do you do your family finances? Can you give us more info? Don't want to generalise, but from what you've said so far the setup seems a bit unbalanced.

BitsinTatters Mon 10-Feb-14 22:24:50

No joint account

Anyfucker will be along in a minute I'm sure

ihavenonameonhere Mon 10-Feb-14 22:23:36

Wait, are they his kids???

You should have joint accounts and stuff surely??

PerpendicularVince Mon 10-Feb-14 22:16:23

Essentially you're sacrificing your career and future for a man who doesn't treat you like an equal.

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Feb-14 22:14:12

I'd be seeing a lawyer in your shoes. You'll be much better off when he's having to pay a fair rate of maintenance

It saddens me what some people put up with.

pandarific Mon 10-Feb-14 22:13:24

Oh boy. Bits, I don't want to upset you, but seeing as you have three children together and are a family, you not having access to 'his' money is really, really not good. It seems very controlling and that he holds a lot of the power - you should be an equal team.

Asides from that though, I'd seriously consider taking the job on the basis that your earnings will likely go up over time, and your childcare go down. Investment in the future and all that.

maddening Mon 10-Feb-14 22:10:32

ps find a cm that does drop offs / pick ups at older dc preschool so you can meet them there when dropping/ picking up dc2 or one closer to home to make drop off and pick up easier.

maddening Mon 10-Feb-14 22:07:21

could you work 9.30 - 2.30? Avoid paying for wrap round care. CM charge by the hour - but once over 2 preschool is affordable and dc2 will have free hours -make it the preschool next to older dc's school for logistics then if you and dh split the holidays you can avoid a lot of holiday care.

BitsinTatters Mon 10-Feb-14 21:53:28

No I don't have access to his money

He has his account and I have my own

Currently my only income is child benefit and maintenance for my eldest

InsanityandBeyond Mon 10-Feb-14 21:02:27

YANBU. Sometimes with childcare costs, it's not a case of 'breaking even' and unless you are lucky enough to have a partner who's salary covers ALL the household expenses, sometimes it IS unaffordable.

I became unexpectedly pregnant with twins (the twins bit was unexpected!) whilst in a job I really liked and with excellent prospects for progression. We already had a DD in school and had planned for 'just one more'. With nursery fees, afterschool care and travel, we would have 'made' around £400 a month from working full time. Another baby's nursery fees at £800 a month (discounted), meant that we would be paying OUT £400 a month and we just could not afford it, let alone with an extra mouth to feed/nappies/clothing etc to pay. Finances were joint anyway and there was no question of DH paying half and me paying half. The numbers still ended up at the same figure!

Sometimes being a SAHM is the only option.

How gallant of him to offer 500 towards childcare.

What is your financial set up at the minute - do you have access to money? The money he earns?

HappySeven Mon 10-Feb-14 20:22:07

Have you looked at the childcare vouchers you can get? If you both did it you can have £486 straight from your salary without having to pay tax or NI on it.

Laquitar Mon 10-Feb-14 19:24:09

I thought you are divorced for a minute. Why does he pay 500???
Do you buy seperate loaf of bread and each pays for x slices eaten?

The interesting and positive thing though is that they offered you an extra 1K.

LucyLasticBand Mon 10-Feb-14 17:01:34

take it op,
you know you want to,
And they offered you more!
that's good.

you can always resign after 6 months trial.

Hissy Mon 10-Feb-14 14:42:48

Your 'D' P needs a boot up the arse tbh!

He needs either to support you by working out a way to do his fair share, or paying proportionately his fair share of the childcare bill.

Entitled To.com may help you see if you'd be entitled to CTC to help with costs, but he needs to man the fuck up and do his bit.

minibmw2010 Mon 10-Feb-14 14:41:42

I think you need to consider the long term. Eventually all children will be in school and you'll be wishing you'd taken the job. I think it's a fact of life (sadly) that a lot of Mums now work to keep their kids in Nursery, and that the money only becomes available once those costs are gone. It's not great, it's bloody unfair frankly, but it's just the way it seems to be right now. I think unless you were actually out of pocket after your work and costs, then you should take it.

Sallycinnamum Mon 10-Feb-14 14:37:56

OP, almost my whole salary goes on childcare but in 2 years time my youngest will be at school so the costs will go down and my salary will go up.

The job market is absolutely brutal and will continue to be for a long time yet. I have 15 years experience in my field and it's taken 6 months for me to find a new job after my contract ended last year.

At some interviews there were 10 other candidates. This was unheard of five years ago. I would've just walked into another job, no problem.

Please think long and hard about turning this job down. It's depressing spending so much on childcare but it won't be forever.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Mon 10-Feb-14 14:33:41

Dp said he would cover £500 of the Cc cost

Well, that's big of him hmm. Are they not his kids too? You need to pool your income and look at the childcare cost as just another household cost. The way you put it, it sounds like he doesn't want you to work as it'll impact on his life too much.

I think you should take the job and look for a childminder. They must want you as they're willing to increase the salary to get you - this opportunity might not come up again. Stick with it and your salary will go up in the next few years, while your CC fees should drop.

MintTeaForMe Mon 10-Feb-14 14:26:43

Can't work out whether you do actually want the job or not OP. Your original post says you feel gutted for the company for turning the offer down - then later on you say they're taking the piss by offering you 17k - and then you say it would be a logistical nightmare to have a job anyway.
If what you're actually saying is that you'd like your dream job to come with a massive salary AND a mil to help out with childcare I would say yep, we'd all quite like that - but it's not going to be handed to you on a plate. Why don't you take the position, focus your energies on raising your earnings by doing a great job (you say 17k is a basic salary), and see the short term pain as an investment in your career?
FWIW I work full time and I pay to work. But actually my partner earns more than me, wants to support me and makes it possible for me to work by contributing his fair share to our childcare costs.
Why is your dp only offering five hundred quid? They're his children too.

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