To be utterly, utterly exhausted

(24 Posts)
ReputableBiscuit Sun 09-Feb-14 15:50:54

DD is 7 and has low functioning autism and is currently very aggressive and clingy. I had less than 3 hours sleep last night and everytime I am hit or scratched or shoved today, I have an urge to hit back. (I won't act on it, don't worry.) I have no life outside the home and so I would like to at least have a nice home but it gets trashed every day. The sofa is broken from her clambering on it, the walls are grubby with handprints, she's just drawn on the one nice piece of furniture I own with felt tip, she pulls the books off the shelves and spits against the window. I am sick of it all and so tired I could die. I took her to a shop today and she happily trotted in while I paused to get a trolley from the stack by the door. I had a sudden urge to get back in my car and drive away. AIBU to cry?

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName Sun 09-Feb-14 15:53:07

YANBU it sounds really tough, are you on your own? Do you get any help?

RandomMess Sun 09-Feb-14 15:55:04

That sounds exhausting, are you getting advice on how to deal with her agression and clingyness?

bodygoingsouth Sun 09-Feb-14 15:57:07

you need more support and help love. see you doctor/HV and see what's out there.

big hugs. xx

PumpkinPie2013 Sun 09-Feb-14 15:57:35

YANBU - that sounds so hard for you sad

Do you have any family who do or could help you out?

Can school offer any advice for dealing with her behaviour? Maybe the SENCo?

What about your GP? Can they help by referring you to a specialist?

Sorry if you've tried all this. Do you ever get a break? If not can you seek some help with that?

Good luck xx

ReputableBiscuit Sun 09-Feb-14 15:59:08

I forgot to say, she also compulsively moves furniture - dragging chairs and shoving sofas and throwing the rug across the room. I am absolutely sick of having no power to keep my home from looking like a shittip.You can't shout at autistic kids, it just sends them into meltdown.

We have lots of good days but my god, the bad ones are long.

ReputableBiscuit Sun 09-Feb-14 16:00:36

We get all the help we can, except respite which is massively over stretched in our area. We've been on courses, we are actually good ASD parents - knowledgable and patient. I'm just feeling sorry for myself tbh.

RandomMess Sun 09-Feb-14 16:02:51

It's okay to feel sorry for yourself soemtimes!!! Lack of respite is sad, would make the world of difference to you.

No advice out there on how to help her out of her compulsive furniture moving - the noise and disruption is something I would really struggle with.

Topaz25 Sun 09-Feb-14 16:04:04

YANBU, you are dealing with a very difficult situation the best that you can. Can you access any support? My DM manages a social services team that supports children with challenging behaviour and their families. Is there anything like this in your area? There is no shame in asking for support from social services.

Is your DD's father involved at all? Do you have friends or family you could ask for help?

The National Autistic Society has a helpline for support and advice: http://www.autism.org.uk/news-and-events/about-the-nas/contact-us.aspx

Topaz25 Sun 09-Feb-14 16:04:35
Topaz25 Sun 09-Feb-14 16:06:02

Sorry crossposted. You are doing your best under difficult circumstances there is nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself.

ReputableBiscuit Sun 09-Feb-14 16:08:52

Thanks, yes have a DP, have been on NAS courses, social services don't consider us in urgent need due to number of families on their books, DD isn't eligible for a befriender because she's not continent...... Sorry to sound defeatist but I have got all the help I'm going to get.

Jess03 Sun 09-Feb-14 16:17:22

I'm not sure what gets you through, that must be really hard. It would get me down having my place trashed like that on a daily basis. Is she out the house on weekdays, will you get a rest tomorrow? I bet your family can't help much as her behaviour is too difficult for them?

ReputableBiscuit Sun 09-Feb-14 16:48:49

Exactly, jess. Half term here so no rest tomorrow.

Jess03 Sun 09-Feb-14 17:21:42

I can only imagine how depressing it must be. is there a support group for parents in your position you could look at joining? A group in your area might help you might find someone that gets it or find out some new info that could help. Anything dd likes doing that you could lay in to try and break up the monotony? Can you plan something for yourself to look forward to after half term? Is it just too expensive to work and pay for care for specialist care for dd?

When you say respite is stretched, how stretched do you mean? I mean if you were to ring the relevant people/social services and say that you can't actually cope anymore and want to now put her in permanent residential care or have her adopted (even though you don't mean it) then I think they would start to take you more seriously.

I have relatives who were in the same situation and it took an actual nervous breakdown of the main carer before they got more help than the odd half day of respite a couple of times a year.

Topaz25 Sun 09-Feb-14 22:18:26

This is an honest question, not a criticism and hopefully people who are more knowledgeable than me will be able to help answer. If you told social services how desperate you have been feeling, your fleeting thoughts about leaving your DD etc, do you think they would take you more seriously and see you as more of a priority?

pixiepotter Sun 09-Feb-14 22:22:15

Surely you get at least 30 hours away from her a week when she is at school?

PeriodFeatures Sun 09-Feb-14 22:26:19

Hello OP. YANBU. Here wine flowers If you want to send me a private message I may be able to explain to you what you need to say in order to get some additional respite. You should be entitled to a few hours (Not many granted!) Under the 'Short Breaks for Parents and Carers' Legislation 2010. There are also other avenues you can take if you are feeling at your limit.

PeriodFeatures Sun 09-Feb-14 22:31:07

This is an honest question, not a criticism and hopefully people who are more knowledgeable than me will be able to help answer. If you told social services how desperate you have been feeling, your fleeting thoughts about leaving your DD etc, do you think they would take you more seriously and see you as more of a priority?

Yes they would Topaz. OP we have to be very specific. It is a scary leap to take but actually what would ensue would be an assessment of need and out of this, would be a decision as to whether OP would be entitled to respite (in addition to the 'Short Breaks') It is frightening for any parent to admit feeling that they may harm their child as Social Care is a huge unknown and people are frightened of 'having their children taken away' being judged etc. There are negative associations. What people forget is that social care would much rather intervene early than later.

RainbowSpiral Sun 09-Feb-14 22:42:44

Just to say I'm reading and encourage you that you sound like a fab parent. No advice, it is hard.

ReputableBiscuit Mon 10-Feb-14 00:14:38

Thanks, all.

Yes she does go to school so I get that time away. All I can say is that unless you have been with a child pawing at you and shoving you and incessantly biting you and destroying your home in front of you for a weekend, or a week's hald term, or a seven week summer holiday with nowhere you can leave your child in contrast to all the options of activities NT kids have, you probably don't understand how tired such behaviour can make a person.

Mimishimi Mon 10-Feb-14 00:30:40

YANBU - DS (also 7) has a PDD- NOS diagnosis (high-functioning otherwise) and all weekend the 'silly sounds' were sending the rest of us mad. Found poor DS crying under a quilt sobbing "Everyone hates me" sad. Felt horribly guilty and he got a long cuddle - his sister did not help by agreeing with him hmm. It's so hard - can't imagine how much harder it would be as a single parent.

Jess03 Mon 10-Feb-14 09:22:22

Yes personally I think the lack of support in holidays is appalling for parents with dc with sn, as you say your options for care are so limited, you can't pack her off to the grandparents or holiday club for a few days. Hope you manage to get some help.

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