To wish in laws had asked about beds before arranging visit?

(233 Posts)

BIL and his partner visiting us as BIL has work sales jolly held near us and partners invited so they are coming too and being put up in hotel with all the other top sales people on the jolly. Great, we are delighted to have chance to see them - we live in tropics , they live in UK so catch ups are rare.

Then we hear via BIL that MIL wants to come too, same dates same flight. Fine, lovely, she can catch up with Ds who she's not seen since he was a baby (he's now 3). We assume MIL also staying in hotel.

It is a known fact that we don't have spare bed or spare bedroom, just our room and DS room and kitchen/sitting room space.

So as not to drip feed, DS has SN and cannot sleep in with us, nor is there room in his bedroom for an adult to sleep.

DH and I would have to give up our bedroom and sleep on sitting room floor.

Which we can do, and will have to do, obviously but FFS, cannot believe nobody has thought to let us know MIL intends staying with us or check there is a damn bed.

Further info: MIL is lovely, super-keen granny, committed Christian, keen to help, tidy, cook, take endless pictures of DS, play and read to him and be really fully involved and then talk lots about art, literature, culture etc etc when he's in bed/n/a.

I like her loads and admire her and am a bit exhausted thinking about it it's only for a week but AIBU to be a bit freaked out about having a keen, excited granny in the house all the time and nowhere to hide or sleep? She doesn't want to avail herself of the tropical tourist stuff. She just wants to be with DS and her family. All the time she is here.

I have very little left to give after full day being SAHM to DS who has a huge schedule of early intervention therapy going on right now and by 8pm I am ready for wine and then bed, I can barely talk. I sleep very badly. I go to bed before 10pm. I need space and silence and time to exercise to cope and be a good parent to DS (and wife to DH). Otherwise I'm afraid to say I can't cope very well.

I am also unfortunately an anxious introvert who hates having house guests who want to stay in house all the time and talk and tidy and be always around.

All this and BIL and partner hanging out with us too and wanting dinner out and home cooked meals and holiday fun and nights out! DH and I are exhausted and have a night out about 6x year. We come home by 11pm.

Help me get perspective on this: am doing it for DH and his family's sake and because DS deserves to get to know his grandmother and vice versa.

But none of them have given a thought to our day to day lifestyle looking after small child with SN, single income, DH working huge hours and me SAHM.

They see the lovely location and the chance to have a super holiday and family catch up.

They didn't even check re sleeping arrangements - they just assumed.

AiBu to feel frustrated and annoyed?

SaucyJack Fri 31-Jan-14 12:36:51

She doesn't want to avail herself of the tropical tourist stuff. She just wants to be with DS and her family. All the time she is here.

Aw. She just wants to see her grandson. This is not a bad thing. Remember that smile

YANBU to bit a bit peeved at the presumptuousness of the rest of it tho.

Mordirig Fri 31-Jan-14 12:37:22

Yanbu at all, tell DH that he has to tell her that although you would love her to stay there is simply no room.
If there is no room there is no room end of.

JuliaScurr Fri 31-Jan-14 12:38:06

very thoughtless of them, but maybe she thought she would 'help' you by staying & amusing ds? Any chance you could get a room somewhere to take turns staying in?

chicaguapa Fri 31-Jan-14 12:41:34

Do you know she's thinking she can stay with you? I think that you assume MIL is also staying in a hotel unless you are asked if she can stay with you.

If they know you don't have the room, where do they think she is going to sleep? It'll be interesting on the day she arrives, won't it?

Middleagedmotheroftwo Fri 31-Jan-14 12:41:45

Its only a week - don't be so mean!

Why don't you use the time to take yourself off for some personal time and leave MIL in charge of DS during the day. That way you'd feel more refreshed in the evenings, and might be able to stay up later.

I wouldn't dream of asking my parents or inlaws to stay in a hotel, and yes, we used to sleep on floor of living room when they came to stay. They are family after all.

pootlebug Fri 31-Jan-14 12:42:17

I get why you aren't happy re the sleeping arrangements. But this bit sounds great:

'MIL is lovely, super-keen granny, committed Christian, keen to help, tidy, cook, take endless pictures of DS, play and read to him and be really fully involve'

If she is super keen and brilliant let her entertain DS for significant amounts of time. She'll love it, he'll love it, and you can have a rest, or a change of scenery/exercise etc....can you leave DS with her whilst you go for a walk or run or lie on the beach or whatever?

juneau Fri 31-Jan-14 12:43:09

I'd gently remind her that you don't have a spare room or any spare beds, that you'd love to have her to stay with you, but it's just not possible and she should book a room at the same hotel as BIL and his partner. You're all adults and sleeping on the floor is bloody horrible, particularly when you haven't actually invited her!

She may be generous and Christian and all the rest, but I think she's being insensitive and selfish by parking herself on you for a week when you have no guest accommodation.

magnumicelolly Fri 31-Jan-14 12:45:09

Has anyone actually said she's intending to stay with you? Can't you just email her details of places to stay locally? I like middle's suggestion above of taking the chance for some time out for you too though!

okthen Fri 31-Jan-14 12:49:12

If she was demanding and presumptious and generally annoying with no sense of boundaries (hello, my mil!)- or if she lived closer and there was a risk of this happening again and again- then I'd say YANBU.

As she is lovely, good company and helpful, and is unlikely to visit often, I'd say- with sympathy- YABU.

It's a week. You can go out during the day- hey maybe even the evening- and exercise, get some important alone time and respite. Then you may not need to crash at 8pm.

I would feel much the same as you, but personally, would suck it up.

LiegeAndLief Fri 31-Jan-14 12:49:12

I think if she knows you have no spare room and will have to sleep on the floor for a week, but hasn't even mentioned it, she's not all that lovely and generous.

I suggest "how lovely you're coming to see us! As you know there's no spare bed so you'll be on the living room floor, not something I'd be prepared to do for a whole week but I'm sure you won't mind or you would have booked a hotel..."

WooWooOwl Fri 31-Jan-14 12:49:41

In some families it is the done thing to assume you can stay with your relatives when you visit, in fact it would be offensive to suggest staying elsewhere!

I know my family would put me up at a moments notice, and while I would feel exactly the same as you, I know I'd be expected to do the same for them. It doesn't mean that any of us are inconsiderate, it just means that we assume we should put ourselves out for each other.

YANBU to be dreading it though, I hate having overnight house guests.

MimiSunshine Fri 31-Jan-14 12:50:42

Just call her up and say you've just heard that they're coming out to. How exciting, did they manage to book the same flight (plead ignorance) and hotel as BIL?

No one can expect to just turn up at someone's house and take their bed for a week. It's hardly very Christian behaviour.
Fine to sleep on the floor if you want to offer it but don't just accept it as your fate if you don't want to.

MsAspreyDiamonds Fri 31-Jan-14 12:52:03

Can you book a hotel for MIL nearby on the pretext of home decorating etc? Take advantage of her being hands on by booking trips/ hairdressers and nights out with your dh while she is a willing babysitter. I know she doesn't want to do touristy stuff but the more trips you plan together with your ds, the less likelihood of getting cabin fever. Trips to the museum, park, beach etc all outdoors in the sunshine with easy picnic food and the week will be over before you know it.

Thanks for replies.
I agree it would be nice in theory for granny to enjoy many happy hours playing with Ds but it doesn't work like that.

DS has SN, a huge early intervention schedule to attend and doesn't know who she is. I can't leave him with a (to him) stranger in her 70s. She isn't strong enough, fast enough or familiar enough to manage.

And he's not on holiday. He has very little free time. I have cleared what time I can in his schedule for her.

He's attending occupational therapy, play therapy, social and speech therapy - all of which I drive him to and attend with him. It takes up most of the day 6x week.

I have arranged with the therapists that she can attend and observe too.

But I can't pause his therapy in order to leave him with her whilst I go off!

5Foot5 Fri 31-Jan-14 12:55:01

Another one curious as to why you thin she intends to stay with you. You haven't actually said in your OP why you believe this to be so - you said "We assume MIL also staying in hotel" bt then go on to talk about how inconvenient it will be to have her at yours without explaining how you have made that leap.

Sorry but I think YAB a bit U. It is only a week and given that they are coming so far and you see so little of them then surely you can put yourselves out and change your routine for so short a time?

Chippednailvarnish Fri 31-Jan-14 12:55:53

Just call her and explain there isn't room and she needs a hotel.

whiteblossom Fri 31-Jan-14 12:58:12

I don't see how anyone, family or not can invite themselves to stay for a WEEK and on top of that NOT even tell you they are coming!

Ring MIL and say you have heard on grapevine her plan to go over, where does she plan on staying? Mil must know situation with your ds and that you only have the two rooms. It would be very hard work to sleep in lounge and then have to entertain mil and tidy up in readiness for bil/sil coming over then get the bedding all out again on top of what your schedule is now.

If they do come they will have to manage their own expectations as to what you can manage/what they will get. They are family so should already know this.

JustAnotherYellowBelly Fri 31-Jan-14 13:06:09

Does she know the extent of DS's needs? Actually know, rather than it just being mentioned in passing? And living with a SN child for a week will be more difficult than just daily visits, I would assume?

Dates given before Christmas by bIL and agreed, then news MIL coming too presented as fait accompli. BIL always said was in hotel. MIL c

claraschu Fri 31-Jan-14 13:10:56

I know this isn't what you are asking about, but your schedule sounds quite full-on for a 3 year old; you seem to imply that you are a bit stressed out already, even without in-your-face Grandma.

Of course I know nothing about your son's SN, but is there any chance that it might actually be helpful to relax a bit of his schedule for the time being? especially if it is exhausting you so much. Is there a reason that, even for a special once in three years visit from an adoring grandma, he can't cut down on his OT or speech therapy, since he is only 3? Obviously, you know what is best, and I don't know anything about the situation; "most of the day 6 days a week" just sounds unusual for his age.

Could you suggest that Grandma spends a few nights at the hotel, as space is such a pressure, so 4 nights with you, 3 at hotel, for instance?

...sorry. Mil coming under his wing, always assumed in same hotel as BIL. Meanwhile BIL assumed stay with us.

Email today confirms no arrangement for mil made in hotel, first I got to hear was email asking us to pick her up at airport and take to our apartment as 'BIL and partner will be going to their hotel'

It's just been assumed by everyone! And nobody checked til now when I got airport email
And said Wtf?

Chippednailvarnish Fri 31-Jan-14 13:12:53

You're in danger of making this into a massive drama, just call and explain that you don't have room.

affinia Fri 31-Jan-14 13:13:59

A week, a WEEK, and then you won't see her again for how long ?

Surely simple average kindness dictates that you can put yourself out for a perfectly nice close family member? We have family staying very frequently from all parts of the UK..we don't have enough bedrooms at all for this, its always exhausting and the children don't sleep well but we also have a lovely family and that's what we do.

To be honest, it probably wouldn't occur to her that her son and DIL wouldn't make some adjustments for a week to accommodate a perfectly nice mum who lives overseas so rarely gets to see her grandchild.

I would love to see the AIBU if she lived nearby!

affinia Fri 31-Jan-14 13:15:56

Infact she probably presumed her son's family would be excited to see her. Please don't disillusion her!

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