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AIBU?

to make ds pay for all the items he loses from now on?

23 replies

MetroBoulotDodo · 14/01/2014 12:01

Ds is 11, in year 6, so going to secondary school after the summer. I have serious worries about how he's going to cope as he is so, so disorganised. I also have dd (13) who is one of the most organised and independent people I know. I know you will all think I am comparing them and expecting too much from ds, but I really don't. I know dd is not the norm. However I do want him to become more independent.

He comes home from school by bus so I don't see him until he's home in the afternoon. He swims in a squad before school which DH drops him off to. Basically he loses absolutely everything. In the last week alone, he has lost flip flops, a swim cap and goggles. No sign of them in lost property so far. To buy all of those again will cost £30. I have told him that he will not get pocket money until they are paid for because I am just sick of this. We have tried all sorts of strategies for remembering and he has a list on his bedroom door for each day. Nothing seems to make a difference and he doesn't seem to care about any consequence either.

AIBU? He thinks I am because he is saving up for a video game which is £35.

OP posts:

Report

CaptainSweatPants · 14/01/2014 12:03

Yanbu
Go for it!

pudcat · 14/01/2014 12:04

Make sure first that the things are not being stolen.

ghostinthecanvas · 14/01/2014 12:07

Yes. Make him replace things. Otherwise he won't learn. As pudcat says make sure nothing is being stolen or even that he isn't being bullied.

wobblyweebles · 14/01/2014 12:07

Yanbu, we are doing similar with our 12yo. The 10yo rarely loses anything.

MetroBoulotDodo · 14/01/2014 12:12

He seems happy in himself. When I ask about his stuff he says he was sure he brought it home and his sister must have moved it! (or something along those lines).

He also forgets what he is supposed to do for homework - his homework diary will say something like "maths - first section" but he has no worksheet or website reference. He goes back and tells the teacher he didn't know what he was supposed to do and takes the consequence which is usually staying in at playtime to do it. I could of course email the teacher but don't like to be doing that all the time when he should be paying attention in class!

OP posts:

Adeleh · 14/01/2014 12:24

Is he dyspraxic? This lack of organisation is strongly symptomatic - DS1 is dyspraxic and sounds just the same as your DS. If his organisational abilities are affected by a physical condition I'm not sure I'd make him pay. OTOH you're not doing them any favours in not trying to get them to be as organised as they can be.

MetroBoulotDodo · 14/01/2014 12:27

He has no diagnosis of anything so far. I know he finds it difficult and I try to help him but he does have to get better. I am not sure if the consequences will work though, they haven't really so far.

OP posts:

snowgirl1 · 14/01/2014 12:29

It sounds like you've tried the pool lost property, but have you also contacted the bus company? Much to my DMs annoyance, I used to leave my sports kit on the bus all the time.

MrsMcEnroe · 14/01/2014 12:33

Ah, I was going to to ask about dyspraxia too, as he sounds exactly like my dyspraxic DS! Info available here - www.dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/about-dyspraxia/dyspraxia-glance/

How about sitting down with him each day/week and getting him to make a checklist of what he needs to take to (and bring home from!) school/ activities each day? Put the list in his bag so he only has ONE thing to remember - i.e. to check the list methodically (and obsessively!).... Gradually you can hand over the responsibility for the list-making to him.

This has made a huge difference to my DS (he's in Year 5, so similar age to your DS).

If he isn't dyspraxic, and the stuff isn't being stolen, and he is just being careless - YANBU!

MetroBoulotDodo · 14/01/2014 12:33

I don't think the things would be on the bus - it's just a 10-seater with a chaperone who checks everything. His swimming bag came home with swimsuit and towel, just not the other things which he has obviously left in the changing rooms. There are many people using that pool so they have probably been taken.

OP posts:

MrsMcEnroe · 14/01/2014 12:34

Sorry, here's that link properly www.dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/about-dyspraxia/dyspraxia-glance/

MetroBoulotDodo · 14/01/2014 12:36

MrsMcEnroe great tip about putting another list in his bag. Will definitely do that. He may or may not have dyspraxia but in any case I want to help him improve. The list on his door has helped as in I can say "check your list" rather than" have you got...?" x 100, however he does just miss things on it and I still have to check with him.

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BarbarianMum · 14/01/2014 12:48

I think you should try billing him. If that results in a sudden improvement then you'll know it was down to carelessness (which is much more common than dyspraxia) although of course both could explain the problem.

I was exactly like your son at the same age. It was not dyspraxia.

MrsMcEnroe · 14/01/2014 14:06

My DH is a PE teacher. One of the reasons why he didn't accept that our DS had SN for such a long time was that he (DH) spends all day dealing with kids - usually boys! - who have lost their PE kit ..... It is VERY common in NT (neuro typical, i.e. no SN) children.

At the end of term, the amount of boys' stuff in the lost property cupboard outnumbers the girls' stuff by about 10 to 1!

DH forgot his phone, laptop and all his marking this morning. He's 41

Blithereens · 14/01/2014 14:07

Bill him. I was your kid, seriously. I lost everything you can think of. I wasn't dyspraxic, I just had my head in the bloody clouds!

I am pleased to tell you I am now a super organised, efficient, independent person, but I learned the hard way. Once DM started billing me (yelling etc hadn't worked and I went to a crunchy granola school where they didn't really do consequences) I wished up pretty fast!

You can always make exceptions if it's extenuating circumstances i.e. He was ill that day or worried about something.

CustardOmlet · 14/01/2014 14:12

Look into dyslexia as well as dyspraxia. I am dyslexic and very disorganised and chaotic. I'd loose my head if it wasn't screwed on! I write lists everywhere to remind myself of things or on the back of my hand.

QueenofallIsee · 14/01/2014 14:13

What is a crunchy granola school?? I am intrigued

brainwashed · 14/01/2014 14:21

Sounds exactly like my dyspraxic son. It is frustrating especially if you are more of an organised type!

MetroBoulotDodo · 14/01/2014 15:28

This all helpful, thank you.

Also interested in the crunchy granola school! Sounds lovely.

Interestingly DH is dyslexic and chaotic etc but never lost things as a child, apparently (may check this with MIL). I am really organised, if I don't feel prepared I get really stressed. I guess dd is like me and ds more like DH who has to wing it a lot in his job, which he is very good at.

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rumbleinthrjungle · 14/01/2014 17:33

Try 'Late, Lost and Unprepared', it's an interesting read with some good ideas.

www.amazon.co.uk/Late-Lost-Unprepared-Executive-Functioning/dp/1890627844?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Topseyt · 14/01/2014 18:38

Yes, I would bill him. I have found this to be the only thing that really works with my children. That or simply not being overly helpful when they have lost something and making them take the consequences at school.

My youngest daughter (11, and already in year 7) is sooooo scatty and disorganised. There isn't anything wrong with her. She just never stops to think things through and flits immediately on to the next thing. There is always something she has lost, just because she keeps her bedroom in such a mess despite being made to tidy it every weekend. Just before breaking up for Christmas, and five minutes before time to go out for the school bus, she suddenly yelled out that she couldn't find her school skirt. I tell her to go to school without it on and bingo!! She has found it within 30 seconds.

My middle daughter lost her doorkey a while back. It is nowhere to be found. As their parents, we are paying for one copy of the keys to be cut for each of them. If they lose that then they must pay for any further copies from their own money. Middle daughter has yet to do that, but the next time we are in town I will be marching her to the key-cutter shop and she can pay for it out of her paper round earnings.

Blithereens · 14/01/2014 21:30

Queen you know, a school where they encourage your inner moppet to grow and hug and learn and knit lentils, or whatever. It was actually extremely academic (selective) and always got Outstanding at Ofsted, but as long as your grades were up to scratch and you weren't hurting anybody they pretty much let you do your own thing. If your own thing was forgetting your P.E. kit three weeks in a row and losing your fifth bus pass that year (cough) well, so be it.

It was a great school, actually. I had a lovely time. But I did give my poor old DMV a hard time by constantly losing things

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Blithereens · 14/01/2014 21:31

DM, not DMV! Haha.

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