To correct my DSS's misperceptions

(15 Posts)
Adeleh Sat 28-Dec-13 01:40:57

I have known my DSS since he was 7, by which time his parents had been divorced for several years. He is now mid 20 s. I don't think I have ever criticised his DM in front of him. His DM has 2 degrees but has only ever applied for cashier jobs. SHe used to have a drink problem but has been fine for about 15 years. My dh stopped work through illness but never failed to give them his entire pension until both kids had finished at Uni, which meant I was sole breadwinner for her and our 2 DDs. This was fine. I wanted the DSSs to be properly supported. But my DSS is constantly talking about how hard things were for their DM, how there was never any money. I really want to say that the pension must have paid rent, council tax, water and electric, and she had her salary ( not great, but he has never applied for a better paid job) and there would have been benefits, and a v supportive family nearby. Should I just carry on biting my tongue?

cleofatra Sat 28-Dec-13 01:43:40

Dont go there, you will never win. I am in a similar position and its just tongue biting, Im afraid.

AgentZigzag Sat 28-Dec-13 01:57:49

Unless he specifically asks, I don't think you can without creating WWIII.

I have a post-grad qualification but work in a job that pays far, far less than the minimum wage, but that's because I've got MH problems.

If she's had problems with alcohol in the past (and you can't be sure she hasn't had them in those 15 years) that suggests something's going on that could stop her from the high flying career everyone expects.

You've done well to keep your take on it under wraps for this long, speaks volumes of how you feel about him smile

YoureBeingASillyBilly Sat 28-Dec-13 02:04:04

How can you know though whether there was money or not? The child support may have been more than adequate but you have no idea of what her outgoings were. I'm sure my exp has no idea of my outgoings at all. I dont think you should say anything tbh as you just dont know all the facts. What exactly would you say anyway?

Adeleh Sat 28-Dec-13 02:07:38

Thanks both. Agent - you're right. She is vulnerable, but there was quite a bit more money there than is ever acknowledged. I'll swallow hard. Hope things get easier for you - sorry to hear you have problems.

AgentZigzag Sat 28-Dec-13 02:16:43

That's very kind of you Adeleh, thank you. Even though it's not hugely paid I really couldn't be happier and love the job grin

I'd pay the difference in wages not to have to work in the real world ten times over.

Most people play down how much money they have, just to conform to conversation norms if nothing else, like we complain about the weather/how much hassle Christmas is/the government etc.

With money you're expected to play it down, and if she wanted to portray herself as the injured party then she's going to say she's got less than she has.

Adeleh Sat 28-Dec-13 02:25:07

Silly billy - I don't know all the facts, that's true, but I do know how much DH paid and I have a pretty good idea of what rent and utility bills would be because DSS has mentioned it when he was paying half the bills when he was living there as an adult. I just sometimes want to say that the version they tell can't be accurate, but I've heard what you're all saying, and am grateful to have been stopped from starting WWIII

Adeleh Sat 28-Dec-13 02:30:19

Thanks agent - and glad your job so lovely

YoureBeingASillyBilly Sat 28-Dec-13 02:30:35

Rent and bills yes but you dont know what she was buying or what debts she had. If her alcohol issue wasnt totally resolved there may have been a lot of spending on that, maybe she is like me and likes handbags or shoes or pvc catsuits grin even my best friend, i know what her mortgage is and roughly what her weekly bills are but in have no idea what she spends on clothes or eating out or wine etc.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Sat 28-Dec-13 02:31:48

But i am glad you have decided not to say anything. Tbh i dont know what good could come of it. Does your dh feel something shoul be said?

Adeleh Sat 28-Dec-13 02:39:30

I think my DH would be v grateful to all of you tbh! I think he would like his DCs to know, in some ways, so that they could understand that he really did do what he could, but doesn't want to hurt them by appearing critical of exP either. He's right and you're right. I'll go into kitchen and have another gin.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Sat 28-Dec-13 02:51:34

If dss was paying half the bills, its quite possible he was more aware than you think of the money available to her/them but maybe feels he should stick with the story out of a sense of loyalty to her?

Adeleh Sat 28-Dec-13 02:53:09

Yes - I think that's right. I just wish there was a sense of loyalty to DH too.

Adeleh Sat 28-Dec-13 02:54:10

But thank you. Feel calmer even without gin.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Sat 28-Dec-13 03:46:16

There might be when he is talking to his mum, a sense of loyalty to his dad i mean. Family interactions can be so complicated. Especially when parents are separated. Too many factors affecting things. Some you may never be made aware of.

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