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To feel happy, sad and a little jealous

(21 Posts)
Tobebythesea Wed 25-Dec-13 17:39:48

My best friend got engaged last night. I am very happy for the couple especially as I introduced them! They have been together for around two years, they rent a house and are looking into buying next year. They are a great match. However I cannot shake off this deep feeling of sadness and if I am being 100% honest, I am a little bit jealous and embarrassed that I'm not engaged.

My partner and I have been together for a longer period of time and I know he is the one for me. I have dropped a few hints and I was thinking about asking him but he once said in a general conversation that he was quite traditional and it would be him doing the asking.

I am really looking forward to be a bridesmaid (again!) but AIBU to feel sad?

Sneezecakesmum Wed 25-Dec-13 17:53:42

Not really, it's understandable. No reflection on your friend though just on your own situation. I think this 'I'll do the asking' is a bit of a smokescreen for a commitment phobia.

We don't live in the 1940s any more so if you are not happy with his feet dragging then sit down amicably and tell him you are not happy with the uncertainty this is causing you. He's not the only one with rights to decide when he gets married, you are an equal partner, so never forget that.

inkyfingers Wed 25-Dec-13 17:58:35

Agree with sneeze.. Not a good day to discuss this though. Don't let it slide, even though he is obv quite happy with things just as they are.

selfdestructivelady Wed 25-Dec-13 18:02:55

Yanbu

EdithWeston Wed 25-Dec-13 19:01:45

Well, it's quite sweet that he wants to do a set piece proposal thingie.

But your future is somewhat more important than that. You really need to be talking (as opposed to having A Talk) about the future, marriage, children timings etc. Your voice matters in this too. Do not put your life on hold. Find out if you have the time ideas on roughly the same timescale.

And if you don't can to negotiate a mutually agreeable compromise (not capitulation)?

bluebeanie Wed 25-Dec-13 19:16:11

You could be my dsis. Agree with sneeze.

OHforDUCKSchristmasCake Wed 25-Dec-13 19:28:05

YANBU at all.

If it makes you feel any better I have an awful situation of jealously recently where I was BU.

My grandmother recently passed away, and I was surprised to hear I might get 10k inheritance, but was desperately hoping to get the ring she promised me. I got absolutely diddly squat.

My friend came round and a her relative died at the same time and she has just booked 6 weeks in Thailand next year with the nice sized inheritance she recieved. Thats after the hefty inheritance she got to buy herself a 3 bedroom house. And Im jealous. blush

I didnt even want money. Not a penny, I just desperately wanted the ring, it meant so much. Makes me feel sick even thinking about it now. Although I nave a feeling that was the christmas pudding I just ate.

YANBU OP, you are human.

Heres hoping 2014 is your year. smile

Sneezecakesmum Thu 26-Dec-13 13:04:41

It's not the money or even the ring DUCK it's the awful feeling of rejection from your dear grandmother sad

foslady Thu 26-Dec-13 13:17:25

Perfectly understandable. It's known as the 'It's not your turn' issue - I felt exactly the same years ago when a younger friend announced her pregnancy - absolutely delighted for her and her DP, but totally p'd off because at the time my then dp wouldn't even think about having children and my clock was ticking!!!
But it's ok - because you know you are feeling that way!

ViviPru Thu 26-Dec-13 13:21:44

Sit tight, OP. It's obviously in the grand plan for him, he's just dragging his feet. I was in your situation for a couple of years (been together for eons, everyone getting engaged all around us). Made it all the more meaningful when the much hoped for proposal was eventually forthcoming.

He did say that a big part of him not being able to find the right time was friends and family kept announcing engagements and he didn't want his own proposal to seem like it had been artificially prompted by them.

rabbitlady Thu 26-Dec-13 13:27:46

leave him immediately and find a proper one. this time, get both rings sorted in advance of moving in.

MoominMammasHandbag Thu 26-Dec-13 14:25:10

Do women really sit around and wait for their partner to decide it's time to get married?

Bizarre.

rabbitlady Fri 27-Dec-13 14:03:44

the bizarre thing is that they think they are clever and liberated by shacking up with someone, then get hurt and confused when he doesn't bother to marry them.
there was one on mn the other day - they had children together and she wondered when he would propose! instantly. when he meets the right woman.

chocolatespiders Fri 27-Dec-13 14:08:09

Oh DUCK sad

Did someone else get the ring? not wanting to rub it in but it may still be around for you to have?

Mia4 Fri 27-Dec-13 15:25:45

YANBU OP, it's normal and completely natural to fee happy for them but at the same time feel envious or wistful for you. I'm feeling the same as you, so many pregnant friends at the moment, I'm so pleased for them all but also feel wistful and envious.

It is better, if you've spoken and he knows you are ready and wanting, for him to propose in his own time-hard as it is when you really want it. When he does though, you'll know he really, really wants to marry you.

ReluctantBeing Fri 27-Dec-13 15:28:02

I understand. It's normal to feel like that.

I've been engaged for eight years. I'm sad that we cannot afford to get married. We had talked about a small wedding this year instead of a holiday. But then my brother announced his engagement and a wedding abroad in the summer. There goes our plans.

Sigh.maybe next year.

Hermione123 Fri 27-Dec-13 15:32:30

Hmmm I think equal partnership means being able to have grown up discussions about the fact that he is going to propose soon. I don't think you should let him have all the power, wouldn't seem like a good sign to me in general.

mintberry Fri 27-Dec-13 15:32:52

"We don't live in the 1940s any more so if you are not happy with his feet dragging then sit down amicably and tell him you are not happy with the uncertainty this is causing you. He's not the only one with rights to decide when he gets married, you are an equal partner, so never forget that."

Good post, I think a lot of women could do with this drumming into them, unfortunately.

Mia4 Fri 27-Dec-13 15:33:52

MoominMammasHandbag, they could just leave instead, I suppose? But if they don't want to what else can you do? I wouldn't advocate 'waiting' around forever but having an open conversation to see where you both lie. If you need to force, bribe or cajole someone into marriage then obviously they don't really want to marry you that much. You either wait for them to be ready, talk about it for sure but don't push- give them the choice and respect that you yourself would want.

It's not just women who wait though, one of my friend's is still waiting after 6 years together. She's been upfront and honest, not until after her phd has finished now, he really wants to get engaged and has already bought a ring. He could give her an unfair ultimatum, he could propose when he knows she's not ready and has told him so or he could wait until after she submits her thesis and has her viva and then get the 'yes' he is longing to hear.

My Dsis did the 'pushing' thing, not just talking and coming to a mutual understanding, actually pushing. Really didn't work out that well.

TheCrumpetQueen Fri 27-Dec-13 15:36:35

I think you need to be more explicit with your partner. Tell him you want to get married by such and such year, see what he says. Don't wait around for a proposal that might never happen

TheCrumpetQueen Fri 27-Dec-13 15:37:07

And stop dropping hints, just have an adult conversation

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