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AIBU?

Can I get your advice please? Potential assault?

19 replies

InaneNameChange · 18/12/2013 03:46

I went out a few months ago and got chatting to a married man. I didn't think anything of it because he was married and I enjoyed hearing about his family, I told him about a few tragic things which had happened with mine, the conversation was really 'normal' (or at least, the normal I'm used to, I mean that I have some good male friends and this all seemed within normal chatting range).

There wasn't any flirting. I wasn't sexually attracted to him. There were no compliments. At a late hour I decided to go home, he followed me. I had started to switch off at that point so I wasn't really paying him any attention. He was starting to snap at my heels a bit (following) but I was drunk and tired and it didn't really register.

I think if anything, I might have thought he was just trying to walk me home but I didn't think that at the time. I was just trying to go home and tired. When I got home, only a few metres away, he followed me into my house and I didn't move far away from the front door because I was confused about why he had barged into my house. He circulated the house and then came back to where I was standing at the entrance and pushed me onto the floor which is where the assault happened.

I didn't report this at first because I had horrendous guilt about him being married. I didn't scream, I felt really stupid. But how does this appear? Am I an utter Bambi fool? I feel so stupid. I feel so much guilt about his wife and why I didn't scream. I honestly wasn't expecting it though. Am I being an idiot?

OP posts:

Report

raisah · 18/12/2013 04:00

I am sorry about what happened to you but you mudt not think you are an idiot or deserved it in anyway because you didn't. He took advantage of you being vulnerable, tired and tresspassed into your home where he attacked you. You where in shock that's why you froze by the door when he barged in. Don't feel guilty or think about his wife because he certainly didn't.

Take courage and ring the police to prevent him from doing it again. It sounds like he knew what he was doing because he did a circuit of the house to check that novody was in. It sounds like he has done it before & is relying on your shock to stop you from reporting him.

revivingshower · 18/12/2013 04:00

This is rape and it is not your fault. I think you reacted as you did out of shock. You will need to get some proper advise and support now. It is quite late but someone will be along to give you more advice later.

ShowMeYourTARDIS · 18/12/2013 04:00

You didn't do anything wrong. At all. He entered your home without your permission and assaulted you. It doesn't matter if you screamed or not. It doesn't even matter if you said no.

It's likely he has done this to other women. Please report him. You've already been so brave by coming on here.

InaneNameChange · 18/12/2013 04:06

Thank you, I have been to the police, apparently he hasn't had anything reported on him within a 10 year timeframe which surprised me. It can't be just me? I feel so much guilt about his family. And I don't understand why he didn't respect that I was vulnerable? Sorry there's a little bit more to this but it's so identifying. He started saying some awful things and I was trying to walk away from him and go home. It wasn't a date.

I never wanted to sleep with a married man though and do feel furious that he violated me in this way (and furious with myself that I was passive through shock and alcohol)

OP posts:

ShowMeYourTARDIS · 18/12/2013 04:40

I don't think it's surprising TBH. Most rapes are never reported.

Please don't feel guilty about his family. He's the one who decided he didn't respect them, or you. You did what you had to do in order to survive.

BohemianGirl · 18/12/2013 04:58

Did you make a formal complaint to the police? are they going to follow this through?

I think you've been very brave. I did read 1 in 4 women have some form of sexual assault in their lifetime. And yes, women carry a lot of guilt for it - like you are doing - racking your brains to see if you gave any vibe or signal that you were interested. The guilt is his, you didnt invite this and I have to say I never wanted to sleep with a married man though you didnt sleep with him, it wasnt consentual - he raped you

tanukiton · 18/12/2013 05:03

This is not your fault. It is rape and you sound like you were in shock. I hope that you are ok. Second that you did not sleep with a married man!

43percentburnt · 18/12/2013 06:17

This is definitely not your fault. You do not need to feel any guilt about his wife or family, he did this not you. It certainly sounds like he knew what he was doing from his circulating the property. You did not sleep with a married man, you were attacked by a married man - this is very, very different.

If you haven't done so already please seek counselling. Do you have anyone in real life to talk to?

InaneNameChange · 18/12/2013 06:46

I don't really know how the police will want to progress it, I'll have to see (and possibly have to get this deleted if they do take it further).

Yes counselling arranged. It's consisted of me swearing a lot so far.

Thank you all for being nice about it, I feel so guilty about him being married though I know I wasn't expecting it and didn't initiate it. What a pr*ck! I wish he'd thought of his family.

OP posts:

ZillionChocolate · 18/12/2013 06:56

Feeling guilty is a normal sort of reaction but it's completely unjustified. You did not invite any of this. This was not a potential assault as you say in your title, this was definitely an assault.

OohBridget · 18/12/2013 07:08

Innane- you keep mentioning guilt about him being married and 'I never wanted to sleep with a married man'

You didn't. You didn't embark on some flirtatious one night stand or begin an affair. You didn't ask him to come home with you. He purposefully pursued you, barged into your home and attacked you. There is no blame to laid at your feet. He is a predator. A monster. Did tthey check your bloods for date rape drugs?

I am so very sorry that this has happened to you. But please see it for what it is- none of your fault.

You only.need to consider yourself at this point. His wife isn't married to a cheater, she's married to a rapist. And men like this rarely hide it beyond home, he'll be a asshole there too.

Well done for telling the police- that is such a hard thing to do. do you have any RL support? xx

InaneNameChange · 18/12/2013 07:19

OohBridget there were no date rape drugs involved, I was a little pissed but steady on my feet if that makes sense, I had just lost the sense of fear unfortunately. So I was much more trusting than I would normally be.

Normally you'd yelp if someone followed you into your house but I thought he was married and I had been talking to him in a normal non-flirtatious way, no touching, felt tired and drunk, so my instincts were off. I just got confused at the time about what he was doing.

It's not up to me now but whether they think it will make a case so I'll have to try to forget it for now but really dislike all this waiting to find out.

Not masses of RL support, find it difficult to talk about, but I do feel a bit better for posting here so thank you all again!

OP posts:

HairyGrotter · 18/12/2013 07:35

You are in no way to blame for this mans actions. HE is the attacker, HE is the perpetrator, HE made the decision to assault you, and if it wasn't you, it'd be someone else because HE wanted something to happen.

It is all on HIM. Don't feel guilty (easy for me to say), you have no 'influencing role' in what has happened, he is the one who should burden the guilt.

I'm gal you reported it, I hope, with counselling, you'll get some peace

OohBridget · 18/12/2013 08:12

Inane, I think its perfectly understandable..your lack of fear. You'd had a normal evening, no untoward behaviour to make you suspicious of his intentions (i.e he said he was married, didn't flirt etc) You'd had a drink and were tired and you didn't consider him a threat so you didn't register the oddness or potential risk of him following you home. - I hope the police have enough to nail him for it, And I hope your councilling comes through quickly.

Again- your doing great (unmumsnetty hug) do try and fi b someone who can help to confide in. xx

revivingshower · 18/12/2013 08:34

Even if you had been flirting or showing some interest in him this would still be rape.
If you had fought back more or screamed it is very unlikely to have stopped him but he may have been more violent towards you.
I agree with getting more counselling if you don't have rl people you can talk to.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/12/2013 09:20

I am sorry this has happened to you.

If he had sex with you without your consent then its rape. It doesn't matter if you talked to him, flirted with him even snogged him.

You are the victim here and have done nothing wrong. In a normal world women are allowed to get drunk without being raped and women are allowed to talk to men without this leading to rape.

There is no right way to react, you just coped with an awful situation the best way you could at the time.

Fairy1303 · 18/12/2013 09:30

You need to absolutely remember that this is not your fault.
This man came into your home, violated you.
As a PP says, even if you had flirted, this is still rape.

You do not need to feel guilty. You are not a woman who has slept with a married man - you are a woman who was raped.

Don't you ever forget that and please don't feel guilty.

I have so much respect for you for reporting this.

You are a strong person.

I hope you can speak to someone inRL.

X

marfisa · 18/12/2013 09:41

I'm so sorry, OP. This isn't potential assault, this is assault.

As everyone else has said, you mustn't blame yourself AT ALL. It's also very typical for people not to report rape straight away; the experience is so traumatic that when it happens people are often in shock and it's not till later that it dawns on them what has really happened.

You should definitely report to the police, and if I were you I would ring a rape crisis hotline as well. You need psychological support and talking to a trained counsellor would help you find strategies to cope with the whole thing.

I am sure that more knowledgeable people will come along, but here is a link to the national rape crisis hotline:

www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

And here is a good page from the Mumsnet 'We believe you' campaign:
www.mumsnet.com/campaigns/we-believe-you-campaign-rape-myths-busted

UnMNetty hugs to you and wishing you strength and courage.

marfisa · 18/12/2013 09:43

Oops, I've just seen that you're already getting counselling. That's great.

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