to be upset that DP bought himself expensive gift without discussing it?

(136 Posts)
CosyTeaBags Sun 15-Dec-13 21:01:17

I have been with my DP for nearly 4 years, lived together for the last 2 years.

Last week it was his 40th birthday. We had a couple of friends over for dinner to celebrate, and when they arrived they presented DP with a 'gift'.

It turned out to be a £2k Rolex watch that DP has bought a a present for himself, which his friend (a fellow watch collector) has been looking after for him until his birthday, and his wife had gift wrapped for DP as a nice gesture.

I knew nothing about this at all, and had to ask several times, in front of our friends, what was happening - I didn't understand whether our friend had bought it for him, gone halves on it, whatever. I knew nothing at all, while our 2 friends knew all about it.

Now, I don't mind at all what DP spends his money on, it's his money, we have no DCs, each financially independent etc. BUT AIBU to think that he ought to have discussed this with me first, and not made me feel like a total idiot in front of our friends when I knew nothing about it?

I have told him that I feel that he doesn't consider us a partnership, that he ought to have told me about this first, and that I am hurt that he didn't consider my opinion on something as important as this.

He said he 'just forgot' that he had bought it... but on further pressing, he said he thought I would talk him out of it... so one of those versions isn't the truth hmm

I should add that he is usually a wonderful partner, we are currently TTC, and hope to get married someday. However, this isn't the first time he has done something like this - last Christmas he just announced that he had ordered a £1k massive TV without discussing it with me...

I am pretty sensitive about stuff like this, as my Ex was a total commitment phobe and never considered my opinion on anything to do with his life, so I just feel a little hurt and insecure.

AIBU??

formerbabe Sun 15-Dec-13 21:04:09

YANBU

I am so confused as to why you would buy yourself a present, give it to a friend to look after, wrap up and give to you?!

What would he say if YOU did the same thing? Personally, I'd hit the roof, but we can't afford 2k for a "toy" so it's probably a bit different anyway.

RandomMess Sun 15-Dec-13 21:06:28

It does very slightly depends on your financial circumstances. I wouldn't think twice about spending £100 on me without discussing it with dh because we could afford it/that would be okay between us.

What percentage of his monthly spare income is £2k?

onedev Sun 15-Dec-13 21:06:56

I'm on the fence - I think it's his money & he can spend it how he wants so buying expensive watches or TVs is fine (I bought myself a £1000 TagHeuer watch for my 30th). However I think he is totally wrong to include his friends but not include you - I find that very strange, hence me being on the fence! Sorry, not much help!

MammaTJ Sun 15-Dec-13 21:07:13

YANBU. Before you TTC you need this sorted, otherwise it will take away from your DC. Either financially, or emotionally, if he decides he cane buy them big gifts without involving you.

If you had not said you were TTC, I would not have thought this such a big deal.

BananaNotPeelingWell Sun 15-Dec-13 21:08:49

sad I would find that very strange and upsetting and would also have felt hurt being the only one at the gathering not in on the whole thing.

onedev Sun 15-Dec-13 21:09:04

Should add that I think it's ok as I'm assuming he can afford it (& hasn't put you / he in any financial dire straits by spending this way).

emsyj Sun 15-Dec-13 21:12:04

I would be surprised if DH did this, but not angry - we could afford it and he rarely spends money on himself so I would be quite pleased for him if he bought himself something nice for once.

It is a bit more concerning that he didn't tell you about it though. I wouldn't expect DH to 'ask permission' but I imagine if he was going to spend that amount of money he would talk to me about it generally beforehand - more in a 'I like this watch' sort of way than anything else. Although he wouldn't ever buy a Rolex - he wants a Patek Phillipe(!)

I note that you say you're TTC and 'hope to get married some day'. There have been a lot of threads on here recently from posters saying their DP had been with them for years, had DCs etc and then decided they didn't want to get married. If marriage is important to you, I would suggest you discuss this and firm up exactly when this is going to happen before you have children. I know that isn't the point of the thread, but if your DP is starting to do surprising things that suggest he's still in a 'single man' frame of mind, perhaps something to think about.

Bearbehind Sun 15-Dec-13 21:13:47

Very weird. On one hand I think that it's his money so whatever but getting his friends to give him the watch is proper strange. It's like he thinks some mythical third party has really bought it and that would freak me out.

brettgirl2 Sun 15-Dec-13 21:13:52

yabu he can buy what he wants as long as he has the money. Some people spend money on a holiday or party for 40th he wanted a watch. Is the real issue that you are shocked at him spending that much money and are wonderung if you are compatible?

NearTheWindmill Sun 15-Dec-13 21:15:17

It depends on your financial circumstances. My DH made an offer on a house for us to live in for the next 30 years 12 months ago without telling me in advance and I hadn't seen it either. I had the final veto though but I went along with him.

Joysmum Sun 15-Dec-13 21:15:42

Depends how the finances work in your home?

In ours, it wouldn't be an issue because we have disposable income and neither of us spend much on what we want do if we wanted something, that's all the other person needs to know and would support.

However, even if the spend itself wasn't a problem, I'd feel the same about it as you are lack of partnership re not knowing about it. I would be hugely pissed off at that.

superzero Sun 15-Dec-13 21:15:54

YANBU.
I wouldn't have a problem with him spending the money ,providing he can afford it,but he has made you look stupid in front of his friends and I would have felt humiliated.
I can see why he might have kept the purchase a secret in case you did try to talk him out of it but once he had paid for it and it was a done deal,he should have told you.His friend could still have presented it at the dinner but you wouldn't have been left out.

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sun 15-Dec-13 21:16:03

Well it all depends what 2k means to you really doesn't it. In our house, a purchase over about £30 would need to be discussed. But if we were better off (and we have been) then not so much.

Did he know his friends were going to wrap the watch? was it a significant purchase (i can't imagine spending that on a watch, but 2k isn't that much fora rolex is it?) is it genuine?

If we had loads of disposable income then 2k woldnt be a big deal? maybe that is where he is with it - he sounds like a geek (in the nicest possible way)

Writerwannabe83 Sun 15-Dec-13 21:16:20

YABU - it's his money.

Fair enough he should discuss it with you if he was funding it from a joint account - but he wasn't.

And why complain about the telly?
I'd love it if my DH came home with a swanky telly bought out of his own money that I could enjoy smile

Why should he need to ask your permission before he is allowed to buy something he wants??

JollySantersSelectionBox Sun 15-Dec-13 21:16:39

Not really concerned re the money if it is his, and you aren't married, and you aren't supporting him.

My DH would never tell me how to spend my cash. And perhaps he thought it was the last single man indulgence purchase to himself before he commits his earnings to children?

He might also be treating it as an heirloom for his kids? It won't go down in value I imagine.

What I would be sad about is the lack of communication. He's always dreamt of a £2000 Rolex and never mentioned it to you? sad

Christelle2207 Sun 15-Dec-13 21:17:01

Yanbu. My husband doesn't have to ask me if it's ok to spend money on something like this but I would expect him to mention/discuss it eg he mentioned recently that he was thinking of getting a new phone for £500.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Sun 15-Dec-13 21:21:16

Have you agreed how your finances will work if you do have a baby? I don't see much wrong in having separate finances if you don't have children but if he's got form for making extravagant purchases autonomously I would be slightly concerned...

Yanbu, what a selfish entitled man, not only buying himself an expensive gift but also for not discussing it with you first! £2k is a lot of money to most people, but even if this was just a drop in the ocean, he still did wrong from keeping this from you.

fay144 Sun 15-Dec-13 21:26:59

I can't decide if YABU or not.

Prior to TTC myself, I would have spent large sums of money on hobby things without discussing with DH, and vice versa, as our money was separate. I would normally have mentioned in passing that I was getting X item after I'd ordered it, but not necessarily what it cost.

When we decided to TTC though, we spent a lot of time discussing how we were going to manage our finances from now on, and jointed up our spending a lot more (pooling savings, bills, etc, but keeping separate spending money each month). I wouldn't be happy in your situation as it sounds like you might have different expectations of how you are going to handle your money in future.

Killinascullion Sun 15-Dec-13 21:27:31

Sounds like he's still living life as a singleton as he's certainly not thinking he's part of your team.

Why would his friends be in on the secret but not you? I would be wary of having children until you resolve this.

littlewhitechristmasbag Sun 15-Dec-13 21:29:13

It is a bit strange he didn't tell you. My DH bought himself a Mont Blanc watch for his 50th but i knew he had bought it and was glad for him to have it.

BananaNotPeelingWell Sun 15-Dec-13 21:30:21

Spending his money wouldnt be my main concern (although I still think it's odd and secretive not to mention large purhases whatsoever). Making me feel foolish or uncomfortable would be the problem for me.

daisychain01 Sun 15-Dec-13 21:31:55

Just a personal opinion, but I would feel upset by this, if I were in your shoes CosyTeaBags. The "smoke-and-mirrors" with the friend sounds dodgy and it must have made you feel really embarrassed being the last one to know. Not nice.

I earn more than my DP at certain times of the year, but our attitude to money is that we earn it, we share it and the decisions around it. I can't imagine splashing out on £2k's worth of anything, Not without a chat about it. It isn't about asking permission, its just respect.

Very good advice upthread to talk about the whole situation, including money and getting married. Maybe a conversation you havent yet had, but its worth getting out in the open.

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