to tell adult DD she is not welcome

(185 Posts)
yerase Mon 18-Nov-13 18:13:19

DS has just graduated from uni and is currently a temp for a well known agency placed in the public sector (don't want to say anymore for fear of this being recognised). It is pretty poorly paid and he absolutely hates it. DD graduated from uni three years ago walked straight into a grad scheme has really taken off from there. Everytime she sees him she teases and taunts him about it (I've spoken to her about it before). However yesterday she popped in she took it a stage further and she asked him whether he was looking forward to another week in job paradise and how many cabinets would be filed this week etc.

DS stormed off into his room really upset and he locked himself away for the rest of the evening (until she'd gone). I'm really disgusted at her partly for her obnoxious attitude and I don't feel like I want her visiting if she is going to carry on like this as DS is really unhappy at the moment and can do without this nastiness when he's at home.

dozeydoris Thu 21-Nov-13 07:46:34

I would make DD and DS have a heart to heart talk, with you not in hearing distance, not that you are doing anything wrong, just that your presence might make DCs alter their behavior to win your favour or to hide their problems.

If DD made her tactless comments to DS on their own and DS responded honestly, probably by being v upset, DD would get the message, and I would assume be sorry and even want to help him get to a better situation, instead of it coming from you with your twist on it.

You would have to get DS to agree to this. Perhaps DD can ask him for a quiet chat as she is sorry if she annoyed him and take it from there.

MrsDeVere Thu 21-Nov-13 07:28:26

Bloody Hell sugar calm down.

OP I am not that surprised she thinks she was helping. She is still young herself. There are plenty of older people who think the best way to help is to give someone a kick up the arse and tell them to stop moping.

Well done for having that talk and I hope things improve for you all.

SugarMouse1 Thu 21-Nov-13 03:59:00

Or tell him to tell her that she must be thick if shes never heard of the recession; and the effect it is having on people getting jobs

It isn't anything to be ashamed of; plenty of doctors, lawyers, teachers, bankers hate their jobs and are miserable too!

What is the big deal, is she money-obsessed or something?

IAmTheLordOfRedundancy Thu 21-Nov-13 03:43:05

Next time she does it tell her firmly to SHUT UP. No more no less.

SugarMouse1 Thu 21-Nov-13 03:23:49

Tell him one of your dd's weaknesses- she must have at least one.

Tell him to really, really make fun of her looks (unless shes a supermodel)

Call her fat (unless shes stick thin, in which case call her mad and anorexic)

If she doesn't have a boyfriend, tell her men must find her boring and repulsive, if shes ever been dumped/cheated on tell her it was because of how she is- incapable of keeping a man

If her boyfriend has anything wrong with him, tell her she has really low standards so must be a complete slag!

Ask her why she smells of fish?

He needs to fight fire with fire, and I guarantee he will feel loads better and she wont do it again

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 20-Nov-13 21:59:31

And best of luck to your son op.

I've been in a similar position not too long ago and know it's tough.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 20-Nov-13 21:58:48

Well, that conversation was helpful...sort of. At least you know she thought she was helping, rather than just being horrible.

And she now knows her way isn't actually helping and has to stop.

Hopefully she will approach things differently with him going forwards.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Wed 20-Nov-13 19:50:49

Now you can be sure of her motives you can take a harder line with her, and she knows you have drawn a boundary.

That can only be helpful.

I hope it works out for everyone.x

intitgrand Wed 20-Nov-13 19:48:13

Your DD is setting herself up for karma to come and bite her on the bottom big time!
I would tell her that this is your house and you will not tolerate this nastiness to her brother.She is welcome to come if she can be civil, and if she can't she can stay away.

nauticant Wed 20-Nov-13 19:38:01

Like LondonMother I'm also surprised by the amount of projection going on in this thread.

It's a veritable multiplex of a thread.

MaryZygon Wed 20-Nov-13 19:12:59

It is difficult, isn't it? ds1 used to knock the stuffing out of dd all the time sad. And you know when you go to these "parenting" courses and they talk to you about helping children with their confidence? I remember sitting through one and thinking "I never knock her, I always tell her she is great" and it was only later talking to my mum that I realised why she felt so inadequate. He only had to walk into a room and she would feel shit.

Luckily mine seem to have grown out of petty sniping.

yerase Wed 20-Nov-13 19:10:13

TheMaryzter- Thats my thoughts really

TheMaryzter Wed 20-Nov-13 19:06:06

I would have thought that the fact that he is letting her, and that he has lost his fire is another sign that he may be depressed.

In which case no amount of sniping or "pull yourself together" attitude is going to help, and it could seriously harm him.

NewtRipley Wed 20-Nov-13 19:02:52

That sounds more positive.

Maybe she is one of those people who feels a bit helpless in the face of worries about others she loves and gets a bit angry with them? I know a few people like that!

Whatever, I think you've done the right thing in telling her it's not the way to go about it.

Hope things imporve

yerase Wed 20-Nov-13 19:00:07

I spoke to her today at length and I followed your advice about trying to focus on her and her problems/issues. She was most insistent that there were none and that her life although stressful and difficult at times is the way she wants it to be.

Regarding her brother she thinks that he doesn't have enough fight or tenacity in him and that it is holding him back in life. She said that by jibing at him constantly she wants to "restore his fire" as she is adamant that there is no way that he would have let her speak to him like that 2 years ago and that he has lost something. I told her that I didn't think that it was helpful and although she thinks I'm in denial about it and that it will cost him she said she will lay off him. All in all I think it was a success although I am slightly hmm about the way that she thinks being horrible to another person is helping them move forward.

Glad to hear it OP and hope it goes well.

Parts of this thread have reminded me of one of my favourite sayings: The harder I work, the luckier I get.

My heart goes out to those posters sharing their heartbreaking stories. Much love.

yerase Tue 19-Nov-13 23:11:47

Thank you for your responses. Sorry I've not been back today but I've been busy today. I have arranged to go for lunch with DD tomorrow though.

ShinyBauble Tue 19-Nov-13 22:16:44

I don't think that telling your dd she is unwelcome at the family home would be productive, it could well move the problem from him and her to you and her. Could you take her out for lunch somewhere quiet, and make it very clear to her how worried you are about him, and make her see that she is hurting both her mother and brother?

I wonder if the sector she is working in could influence her behaviour. I've worked in several places where any weakness is picked on relentlessly, especially in male dominated industries. It may be that she has picked that up and doesn't realise she shouldn't carry it into all areas of her life?

BoneyBackJefferson Tue 19-Nov-13 18:13:21

Dolcelatte

anyone who tells someone that they should "man up" needs to be pulled up on it, its an outdated view of how men should just suck it up and get on with, they should hide their feelings and go down pit, you need know if he "mans up" enough he may just slap the sister around a bit, then we can blame him some more.

custardo Tue 19-Nov-13 13:18:38

I'd say " you are being a twat DD, enough."

soupdragon I stand corrected! I meant most things in terms of negative behaviours, including bullying...

CuChullain Tue 19-Nov-13 09:54:00

OP, I assume your DS is 21 and she is 24/5? If so they seem remarkably immature. Sibblings are always taking the piss out of each other, usually once out of their teens the nature of that piss taking is usually intended as good humoured then malicious. She needs to know that she is taking it too far and he needs to grow a thicker skin rather then run off to his bedroom! Telling her she is not welcome is probably counter productive.

Retroformica Tue 19-Nov-13 09:18:17

Can you nicely ask her before she comes round next time why she is so horrid to her brother when he is so low? Is there something she is unhappy about because she clearly has issues at the moment? Is she jealous of the support/attention etc you are giving your son. Does she need more attention? Do you do nice activities alone with her? You need to talk in depth about her feelings and needs. The discussion needs to be calm, constructive and loving.

Capricorn76 Tue 19-Nov-13 09:10:28

OP, your son sounds like he's falling into depression. Please get him some help as he's at a vulnerable age for males.

My friends brother took his own life aged 19. He was a very popular and should've had a bright future but left college and couldn't find a decent job (this was near the beginning of the recession). He even moved cities to give himself a better chance but it wasn't happening and he slowly started withdrawing and finally killed himself. Nobody could believe how quickly he went from a charismatic sporty charmer to a quiet introvert. He never told anyone how bad he felt.

It's very hard for young people at the moment and many are falling into despair.

Your DD needs to lay off. Some are calling it 'teasing' and saying he should 'man-up' (hate that phrase) but to him it may end up being the straw that breaks the camel's back. Do not let him be bullied in his own home, he appears to be having a hard enough time outside of it.

Dolcelatte Tue 19-Nov-13 09:02:51

Amy - thank you for your brave post.

Of course, if there is any indication of depression - as opposed to DS being upset over a sibling spat - then I totally withdraw the suggestion that he should 'man up'. However, I did not pick up that from the OP's post.

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