to tell adult DD she is not welcome

(185 Posts)
yerase Mon 18-Nov-13 18:13:19

DS has just graduated from uni and is currently a temp for a well known agency placed in the public sector (don't want to say anymore for fear of this being recognised). It is pretty poorly paid and he absolutely hates it. DD graduated from uni three years ago walked straight into a grad scheme has really taken off from there. Everytime she sees him she teases and taunts him about it (I've spoken to her about it before). However yesterday she popped in she took it a stage further and she asked him whether he was looking forward to another week in job paradise and how many cabinets would be filed this week etc.

DS stormed off into his room really upset and he locked himself away for the rest of the evening (until she'd gone). I'm really disgusted at her partly for her obnoxious attitude and I don't feel like I want her visiting if she is going to carry on like this as DS is really unhappy at the moment and can do without this nastiness when he's at home.

MaryShelley Mon 18-Nov-13 18:14:53

Not welcome - bit extreme

But a well placed reminder about bullying behaviour wouldn't go amiss!

NewtRipley Mon 18-Nov-13 18:16:19

I don't think you should go in that strong. I think a quiet word might be in order. I look on with interest at what others with older DCs will say, though. Mine are only 10 and 13

LEMisafucker Mon 18-Nov-13 18:17:48

Have they always goaded each other?

Please don't tell her she is not welcome, she may well take you at your word and you will regret it more than she does.

She clearly feels insecure about things - is your DS ok?

MammaTJ Mon 18-Nov-13 18:18:21

It's hard to tell whether this is normal sibling teasing that your DS is taking too seriously, or real bullying. Only you can tell, as you are there.

I think banning her is a bit extreme, but a telling off and putting her place when she does it is a must.

WorraLiberty Mon 18-Nov-13 18:19:43

I think it's far too extreme

But you do need to have a firm word with her

Does your DS not stick up for himself against her?

RedHelenB Mon 18-Nov-13 18:19:54

Can't he ignore her - he who laughs last & all that! Siblings do tease each other, I'm sure she has weak spots!!

roslet Mon 18-Nov-13 18:21:30

I don't think it is unreasonable to tell her not come round until she can be kind.

carabos Mon 18-Nov-13 18:21:51

I don't think you should tell her she's not welcome, but you could tell her to grow up. Sounds like she's reverting to bullying big sis the minute she sets foot in the door. Sibling rivalry writ large.

DS1 is quite a bit older and "more successful" than DS2. Before he visits he makes sure he's up to date with the latest situation (not that DS2 is unhappy, he isn't) and talks positively and encouragingly to his bro about what he's doing.

Idespair Mon 18-Nov-13 18:23:44

Ask her why she is belittling him?

GrandstandingBlueTit Mon 18-Nov-13 18:24:12

I agree with LEM - this comes across as some sort of real insecurity on her part, like she has something to continuously prove.

Can you say that to her?

Tell her that these comments look like nothing more to you, than insecurity on her part. If she was happy with how things were going for herself, she'd have no need to put other people down.

Maybe there is more to this than meets the eye. Maybe not. But either way, telling her she looks insecure about her job might just hit her where it hurts and shut her up.

helenthemadex Mon 18-Nov-13 18:24:21

why not say to her when she does it 'did you mean to be so nasty'

call her up on it every time she does it, she is old enough to know that this is spiteful and downright unpleasant

I wonder if she is jealous of your ds, maybe she thinks he has an easy life living at home with you while she is supporting herself

NewtRipley Mon 18-Nov-13 18:25:01

helen

Good point

sunbathe Mon 18-Nov-13 18:25:39

Have you asked her why she does it?

TEEurkeyDay Mon 18-Nov-13 18:26:14

"DD you are welcome. Your horrible bullying of your brother is not. If you can't say something nice, say nothing."

She sounds horrible and I'd be pulling her up on it constantly.

And encouraging my son to do the same.

"What's your problem sis? Your dream job a nightmare?"

newgirl Mon 18-Nov-13 18:27:46

Its bad behaviour yes but your response is extreme too

Do you like your daughter much? Does she think you favour yr son as he is there more? Sounds like emotions are running high all over the place

IamInvisible Mon 18-Nov-13 18:28:30

I would say what Tee says.

Don't tell her she's not welcome, but tell her if she comes she's not to be so nasty to her brother. I'd, also, be tempted to tell her to grow up tbh.

Mellowandfruitful Mon 18-Nov-13 18:28:50

Have you intervened so far when she's done this?

yerase Mon 18-Nov-13 18:29:58

I've spoken to her about it in the past but she pays no attention and continues regardless

MrsDeVere Mon 18-Nov-13 18:30:27

We all have a different idea of what our family is like.
You may feel you have been a fair handed parent (and I am not suggesting otherwise)
DD may feel that DS has always been your golden boy and gets away with not working hard, lives at home etc
DS may feel that DD is the clever one, your favourite etc etc.

That is what makes sorting this stuff out complicated.

She is an adult so I think it is best approaching this in an adult way. Speak to her like a grown up AND speak to your son.

He has to deal with this in an adult way. You can't be sorting everything out for them for ever.

If you do it makes it easy for them to carry on. If mum is going to fix things what is their motivation for getting along?

Don't tell she is not welcome. You can tell her that her behaviour is not welcome.

TheCraicDealer Mon 18-Nov-13 18:33:01

She probably sees it as a running joke, and his reactions are fuelling this. Making jokes about someone's awful job isn't mature, but neither is storming off to your room and locking yourself in it until she leaves.

They're what, 24 and 21? You need to let them sort it out between themselves. If you're dying to intervene, maybe just say something positive to her negative comments, like, "well son, we're proud of you for getting something where you're getting decent experience in a professional environment. Please pass the peas". Telling her she's not welcome at home will be like pouring lighter fuel over this flickering ember.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Mon 18-Nov-13 18:33:45

If you have, as you now tell us, spoken to her about this in the past and she has not stopped her bullying behaviour, I DON'T think you would be unreasonable in telling her she was not welcome until she behaved appropriately towards her brother. It's your house and his home.

wigglesrock Mon 18-Nov-13 18:35:26

Do they not just row & you leave them to it?

If my sister had spoken to me like that - I'd have told her to "fuck off" loudly & frequently. Does your dd feel you encouraged her to move out? Does she feel a bit excluded as you all still live in the same house ?

bouncysmiley Mon 18-Nov-13 18:35:38

Have a serious word and let her know you will mot tolerate this behaviour anymore. If she starts anything in front of you again you need to intervene and get her to stop and apologise. I would not exclude her. I don't think this will help and whatever she's done she needs to feel welcome.

IAlwaysThought Mon 18-Nov-13 18:35:40

Gosh, families are sooo complicated. I wouldn't tell your DD that she isn't welcome but I would call her on it ever time.

She sounds unpleasant and arrogant. Does she do. It in front of other people?

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