AIBU? Worried about the future.

(89 Posts)
CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 14:19:41

Buckle up, this is long...

OH has always had a temper. He has never been violent to me or the children but he has always been the sort to keep things pent up until he explodes - at which point something usually gets broken. He absolutely will not speak to anyone about this - I have tried going down that route before. In fairness these instances have become farther apart over the years (which is why I have never seen it as that big a deal)

Ds is 12, dd is 7. He has been asked every day for the last month or so to tidy his room. As I said, he is 12 so unless I am standing over him it usually doesn't get done!

We were all ill over the weekend (some kind of bug), they all had it Saturday and I had it on Sunday. It really hit me quite hard so I stayed in bed pretty much all day - on the Saturday OH and DS were laid on the sofa watching films all day.

I got quite irked yesterday because while I was trying to relax so I could feel better I could hear OH grumbling about how messy the place was. It was ONE day. He pays all the bills so usually I take care of the house but this was ONE fucking day. I managed to go downstairs at around 6 to ask what they were having to eat - fuck knows was his reply. I didn't have the energy to argue so I pointed out that there was food in the freezer and went back to bed. More grumbling and pans crashing could be heard.

I got up at about 9pm for all of about an hour and he was fine.

Woke up this morning and of course he hadn't bothered getting anything ready for school today so spent the morning running around like a headless chicken. I made him a sandwich which I left on the worktop with other things for his lunch and went off to take the children to school.

Came back as he was leaving. He didn't so much as make eye contact, just stormed out.

I went upstairs to find he had trashed DS' room. Pulled all the books off the bookshelves, pulled the shelves off, his lamps on the floor, his clothes rails been chucked out of his wardrobe and his wardrobe door wrenched off the wardrobe.

I phoned him at work (after a few hours of trying to calm down) to ask him why exactly he did that. He said "he had dirty clothes on his floor, hes been fucking told to tidy it and if he doesn't like it he can move out"

erm WTF? he is 12!! I am so pissed off and upset that I just cannot think straight. I don't for a second think this has anything to do with ds but everything to do with OH and I but what the hell can I do or say!?

happydaze77 Mon 11-Nov-13 14:50:43

I am not afraid of him being violent to me.
You should be. If he can smash up a room then there is a very real danger that he could turn on you or your children. I am not being dramatic or scare mongering.

Whether or not he is justified to feel angry is a separate issue. Feeling angry does not mean he has to break things. I imagine he manages to control his anger at work and doesn't smash things there. He is making a choice and choosing to hurt you,and your children.

CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 14:51:58

Well he had the same bug we all did. He just started a new project at work but I don't think that's it because before that he was moaning he had nothing to do so I would have thought (since he works contracted hours) that the new project which equals more money would put him in a better mood if anything.

fuzzywuzzy Mon 11-Nov-13 14:53:46

Seriously OP, LTB, before he moves on from inanimate objects to people.

Get Legal advice, speak to women's aid.

Is you're family life 99% happy or only because 99% of the time you walk on egg shells and do exactly as he wants?

JanineStHubbins Mon 11-Nov-13 14:54:29

It doesn't matter what might or might not be going on in his life. Stress at work or illness - it doesn't excuse his violent behaviour.

whenitrainsitpours Mon 11-Nov-13 14:54:32

First I said to myself WTF. This is over the top. His anger is out of control. I think you are right when saying it is not only problems and frustrations with your son but something is definately going on in his head that makes him so angry and not happy. You have to let him know that his behaviour is unaceptable and that you cannot trust him because he scares you as you don't know if his anger can become worse and what will he do next.

I had a friend in similar situation and for years her husband had bad temper and would have outburst, mostly yelling and punching walls till the last time and only time he put his hands around her neck and pinned her down. She ended up filing police report and he was charged with assault, went to Court applied for Court Order to move him out of their joint tenancy and she is now a single mom. Not easy situation.

Either way not saying it should come down to that but trust your instincts. You have to protect yourself and your children. Not a good place for your children or yourself to live in fear and stress. Try talking to him to find out what is really bothering him. Sending you hugs.

Strumpetron Mon 11-Nov-13 14:55:01

It doesn't matter what might or might not be going on in his life. Stress at work or illness - it doesn't excuse his violent behaviour

Was just about to say this.

BobaFetaCheese Mon 11-Nov-13 14:55:32

He hasn't been violent to you or the children yet

If this is how he reacts to a preteen being a bit lazy, how badly will he cope with a teenager wanting to go out all night/swearing at him etc?

You tell him to get help with his anger, you tell him it's unacceptable, you're leaving, he needs to apolgise etc, you tell him something because otherwise your children are growing up in a really unhappy household. Hope your ds isn't too upset when he comes in.

Lilacroses Mon 11-Nov-13 14:55:35

My ex wasn't abusive or particularly aggressive but she would occasionally break things and it was upsetting. The thing is that afterwards she would be very apologetic and after a couple of incidences sought counselling to control her anger. Do you think he will "get" how ridiculous he has been or will he be totally adamant that he has nothing to feel bad about?

elskovs Mon 11-Nov-13 14:56:24

God that's just awful. Poor you, how scary.

Absolutely not you, all him.... he sounds like a lunatic. I don't see ANY way to justify it at all.

I really hope you let him have it. If you don't feel you can then that's probably because you are scared of him. He sounds fucking scary.

ShinyBauble Mon 11-Nov-13 14:58:05

He is wrong. As a SAHM you have rights. He would be legally obliged to support you and the children. It's all about the children's welfare. The courts like the children to have the same life, as near as possible. Call Women's Rights or book an hour with a family law solicitor if you want to know where you stand.

Badvoc Mon 11-Nov-13 14:58:27

So her swears in front of the dc and has an explosive temper?
And you are still with him..why?

Lilacroses Mon 11-Nov-13 14:58:46

I'm not saying anything excuses his outburst I'm asking because OP says that this is very out of character for him.

Badvoc Mon 11-Nov-13 14:59:35

No she didn't.
She said he has done this before.

JanineStHubbins Mon 11-Nov-13 14:59:46

No, Lilacroses, this appears to be a pattern: OH has always had a temper. He has never been violent to me or the children but he has always been the sort to keep things pent up until he explodes - at which point something usually gets broken.

Lavenderhoney Mon 11-Nov-13 15:02:13

Why is it all revolving round him and his moods? Op, why don't you see a solicitor? Speak to women's aid as well.

And trashing a child's bedroom? Because he had to fend for himself? Even my dog would laugh at that. But its not funny. Pulling doors off furniture is not losing ones temper. It is a red hot rage and uncontrollable and you and your dc should not live like this. There are people and money to help you.

It miry be an idea to move this to relationships, there are some lovely posters on there as well, who have been through such things and can be sympathetic and helpful in your misery.

Being ok 99% of the time when things are going his way is not a way for anyone to live. That 1Could you take pictures and call women's aid to see what they say? People just want you and your dc safe and not scared to come home to a violent destructive thug and bully.

EldritchCleavage Mon 11-Nov-13 15:02:31

he believes that he was justified in getting angry

Uh-oh. He was justified in getting cross. And telling off your DS. And standing over him while your DS tidied the room. And imposing some kind of further punishment for letting it get to this point, like no X-Box for a week. That's normal, responsible parenting. It takes effort and self-restraint, which your DH doesn't seem prepared to expend (who wants to stand over a moaning 12 year old directing tidying when you could be on the sofa watching TV?)

So your DH didn't do any of that. He ruined the room (so no mess cleared up). He sent a nasty and very intimidating signal to all of you about what will happen when he decides to vent his anger, which I don't think you should necessarily accept was actually caused or solely caused by the tidying issue.

Do you think bad weekend, illness, no CocacolaMum doing the hard work equals in his mind the right to take his temper out on DS's room? Because if so his underlying attitude to you all is poisonous and worrying. Can it really be a happy home if this is in the background?

Strumpetron Mon 11-Nov-13 15:03:20

I'd also be concerned that the 'man' can't fend for himself for one day. And because he's unwilling to do so takes it out on everyone else.

Lilacroses Mon 11-Nov-13 15:04:39

Sorry, apologies, I missed that bit earlier she said that she is making him sound like a monster but if you met him you would think differently. Anyway, if this is a pattern......... I agree then, I couldn't stick around someone who might explode at any moment....how dreadful for yourself and your Dcs. Definitely seek advice OP there is brilliant support on the relationships board.

Strumpetron Mon 11-Nov-13 15:04:50

Following on from what eldritch said, he trashed the room and then what did he expect... he knew YOU would be the one cleaning up the mess. Absolutely no respect to you, your belongings or your family.

And lets be honest what 12 year old doesn't have a messy room from time to time. If this is enough to get him that angry I'd be really worried about when something actually serious comes up.

CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 15:05:08

Lila I really don't know. He has never been good at saying sorry or anything emotional really, his dad was a drunk and very abusive, the first time I met his Dad he started physically attacking OH who was then age 24 and 6ft2 and who curled up into a ball and took it until I stepped in and told him to pack his stuff, he was leaving - totally not excusing what he has done but trying to give some background. In a way it makes this worse for me because he knows how it feels to be around.

whenitrainsitpours Mon 11-Nov-13 15:06:47

Strumpetron good point.

Lilacroses Mon 11-Nov-13 15:10:02

How absolutely horrible, my dp also had a very abusive father and her mother wasn't much help either. It's so awful to hear about let alone witness. Does your OH have any sort of awareness/fear that he is behaving like his dad? I guess not if he wont even say sorry sometime afterwards.

EldritchCleavage Mon 11-Nov-13 15:11:06

OP, I'm not surprised you are worried about the future. What happens when DS is a bigger, stronger and mouthy 16 year old. Full-on fist fights?

Dahlen Mon 11-Nov-13 15:16:26

Your OH is being completely unreasonable.

At 12, your DS is old enough to understand he should have tidied his bedroom and if that was my DS I would certainly be doing something about it. I think a lot of parents would TBH, but I doubt they, or I, would actually be furious. Irritated, exasperated yes, furious to the point of smashing up furniture, no. That's just downright ludicrous. confused

It's very teen-like behaviour from your OH. As a teen I had an explosive temper. Venting it in a way similar to your OH resulted in me ending up with several stitches. I decided then that such violent outbursts were counterproductive. They didn't achieve anything other than a lot of mess that then had to be cleared up (my mother made me do that, despite the stitches) and because they quite often backfired (i.e. hurt me, created extra tidying, cost me money to replace things, etc), you couldn't even half the satisfaction of venting as an excuse. The negative consequences far outweighed the positive of releasing all tha anger

I think you need to get your OH to leave even if just for a couple of nights and even if really you have no intention of ending your relationship for good. Until your H realises that his violent outbursts have negative consequences for himself, he will stick to being defensive about his behaviour until you've 'got over it' and absolutely nothing will change.

Meanwhile your poor DS is seeing a model of bad behaviour not only tolerated but 'fixed' by someone else (you), which is not good. It teaches him that people aren't held accountable if they can dominate or just ignore others - possibly a model he's already taken to heart as demonstrated by his refusal to tidy his room. I wonder if the irony of that would be lost on your OH...

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