AIBU to say "no" to this request from DS?

(19 Posts)
akaWisey Thu 07-Nov-13 15:48:21

Briefly - DS is 31, lives on quite generous benefits as he has MH problems but he's ok.

Regularly he runs out of money. He borrows from mates, they borrow from him etc. Sometimes he borrows from me. However, the last two occasions recently (and in the past) he has borrowed and not paid me back, despite reminders. I work, I can, within limits, afford to lend him money. However his rent etc is paid for him whilst I have a mortgage etc and support my DD at college. He owes me £70 from the last two times. I've had a text asking for a further £120 to pay for something for his car.

I feel like saying no, I'm cross that he hasn't paid me back for the last loans but this pushes his debt up to almost £200 when I'm thinking ahead to Christmas etc and I have ongoing housing costs due to repairs….

If I say no. AIBU?

Not at all, if you keep bailing him out he'll never learn.

Pagwatch Thu 07-Nov-13 15:51:10

Of course you should say no.
Tell him you can't. Offer to help him figure out how to manage his finances better.

Morgause Thu 07-Nov-13 15:51:17

And say you won't lend him any more until he's paid off what he already owes.

phantomnamechanger Thu 07-Nov-13 15:52:48

YANBU - unless there is a genuine financial emergency, you are not doing him any favours by helping him out all the time

akaWisey Thu 07-Nov-13 15:54:28

Part of the reason i am so cross that it's for his car is because my DF bought my DS a perfectly good car a year ago, the best one he's ever owned and he sold it recently for a bigger car which so far has cost him money because it isn't as good but it was what he wanted. angry

akaWisey Thu 07-Nov-13 15:55:33

It's for a key fob. Fuck knows why it should cost that much.

Pagwatch Thu 07-Nov-13 15:56:48

Well then don't lend it to him.

But tbh I am not going to comment on his decision making because it may be related to his mental health.

Preciousbane Thu 07-Nov-13 15:57:45

My dsis has bipolar and is at the extreme end of the scale. She is a lovely woman but when manic cannot control her spending at all. She was bailed out of situations for many years by various family members. They never got their money back.

She has never learnt and she is now 60, he may never learn it depends on his condition and how it is managed. I would not give him the money, you will end up as a source to tap at all times.

akaWisey Thu 07-Nov-13 15:58:23

No pag it's nothing to do with his mental health, trust me. It's his decision making, which is very of the moment.

akaWisey Thu 07-Nov-13 16:00:27

His MH is stable, he hasn't been unwell for a very long time. He doesn't have BiPolar. It isn't a mental health issue, if it was I'd probably go to his CPN.

ICameOnTheJitney Thu 07-Nov-13 16:05:07

My brother is like this OP. Say no. My Mum has JUST learned to say no to him and she's 67! He's almost 50. He began coming to me...I struggle with two DC and a low income and he has NO shame. Just refuse. He'll stop counting you in his budget which he's obviously doing.

Twoandtwomakeschaos Thu 07-Nov-13 16:08:39

As an aside, the cost he's quoting for a key fob sounds entirely pausible: I had to be revived when we enquired for a spare for our Renault.

akaWisey Thu 07-Nov-13 16:08:43

Well that's it, I think Jitney. When I was married there was a joint income and he'd borrow from my then DH. Now I'm on my own he comes to me. He does pay me back sometimes but I don't want him to be in this position when he's 50!

akaWisey Thu 07-Nov-13 16:11:06

It doesn't entirely surprise me either Two, but I'm torn between feeling pissed at him for trading in a really good (smaller) car for a fuck-off big tank and feeling, what? Sorry for him in a way I suppose.

WilsonFrickett Thu 07-Nov-13 16:19:54

Key fobs are ridonkulously expensive, but our car has a spare normal key. He could use his spare or get a replacement normal one which won't cost nearly as much. So no, I wouldn't lend him the money.

Mia4 Thu 07-Nov-13 16:56:47

I wouldn't lend him it OP, while he knows you will always bail him out where's his incentive to budget and try to save?

Retroformica Thu 07-Nov-13 17:32:51

Can you fix the car as a combined Xmas and birthday gift?

akaWisey Thu 07-Nov-13 18:20:31

Thank you all. I've sorted it. I will do half (he can't get another key cut because the fob controls the mobiliser apparently) for his birthday which is coming up. He finds the other half AND pays me back the money he owes me from before then he's quits.

And he's agreed to let me help him draw up a budget as I"ve said that's it, bank of DM is closed after this.

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