AIBU to want to be a single mother?

(46 Posts)
SomeoneOld Thu 07-Nov-13 12:32:25

I don't like my H and haven't for a while. He is selfish, childish, and a liar. He doesn't care about me and our relationship is not equal. I found horrible porn videos on his phone yesterday, I object to porn on the whole but they were just awful. Don't know where they came from, he has form for camming with other women.

Thing is, he's manipulative and has everyone believe he is the victim, he hates his job and his wife is a nag, he's depressed etc. Whenever I find he's done something he just denies, denies, denies and makes out like I'm crazy. MIL begs me not to leave because he's 'vulnerable' hmm

I can't imagine being with another man, I don't want any of this shite again, it's not worth it. I would be happy to be alone, just me and my baby, forever. I wonder if anyone else has made this choice and is happy with it?

iwantanafternoonnap Thu 07-Nov-13 12:34:18

I didn't make the choice but I am very happy as one as I would rather be single than miserable and with a twat.

Leave and be happy grin

allmycats Thu 07-Nov-13 12:34:32

If you are in a position where you can provide for the child then I do not see a problem. Do you see any contact with the father as part of the plan,because if he is paying his share then he should have access.

KellyElly Thu 07-Nov-13 12:36:20

Me! I split up with my narcissistic ex over two years ago and am really happy being a single parent. I'm not interested at all in another relationship and happy to focus on my daughter and myself. I'm not anti ever having a relationship but it isn't something I would consider at the moment and I don't miss it at all!

KingRollo Thu 07-Nov-13 12:36:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KerwhizzedMyself Thu 07-Nov-13 12:38:05

Paying his share has nothing to do with access. Children aren't pay per view. Just putting that out there.

OP, YANBU. You might find in time you would like another partner, you might not. Either way YANBU.

HopALongOn Thu 07-Nov-13 12:38:13

Leave him. He will probably have to be in your life for a long time WRT to him seeing the baby, but it sounds like it's more stress and hassle than is worth it. He appears to bring nothing positive to the table, show him the door.

KellyElly Thu 07-Nov-13 12:39:05

If you are in a position where you can provide for the child then I do not see a problem. Why is that relevant? You wouldn't stay in an emotionally abusive relationship just because you couldn't afford to leave it. I'm more than happy to see my taxes go towards child tax credit and housing benefit to a single mum who needs it.

TheRobberBride Thu 07-Nov-13 12:44:59

He sounds toxic OP. Why are you still with him?

I left my ex 6 months ago. I am now a lone parent (their primary residence is with me). I am so much happier without him. Being on my own is a hundred times easier than being in a miserable, EA marriage.

cestlavielife Thu 07-Nov-13 12:48:55

let his mother look after him then.
he is an adult.

it is not about choosing to be asingle mother it is about choosing to be respected and valued - and if that means by youyourself alone then yes leave. frankly i dont see you have a choice about it if you dont want to be dragged down by your h. (unles she bucks upa nd get shelp for his isshoos)

but you will still need to arrange contact between dad and his child.

SomethingOld Thu 07-Nov-13 12:50:07

Why am I still with him? Because he made me feel as though it was all in my head. I have a daughter now and don't want her main male role model to be this misgynistic piece of shite. After what I saw on his phone yesterday, no he won't be playing a role in her life.

openseason Thu 07-Nov-13 12:51:16

I agree with kellyElly there,s lots of assitance out there to help single mothers if you really want to leave i would find out all the support out there you can get then i would leave it,s a long time in a relationship to be misarable.

SomeoneOld Thu 07-Nov-13 12:51:43

Damn it, namechange fail. That was me there, I'll try again.

Why am I still with him? Because he made me feel as though it was all in my head. I have a daughter now and don't want her main male role model to be this misgynistic piece of shite. After what I saw on his phone yesterday, no he won't be playing a role in her life.

openseason Thu 07-Nov-13 12:54:05

i don,t know what you saw on the phone and how he treats your daughter but if he is a good father it,s not fair to cut him out of his daughters life.

warmleatherette Thu 07-Nov-13 12:54:06

I did exactly that two years ago: kicked out lying, cheating, abusive DH when the children were 2 and 3. Becoming a single parent is a revelation. I think they keep it a secret how awesome it is because if everybody knew everybody would be doing it and there'd be no little wifeys for dickhead men to abuse.

Did the porn that you saw yesterday demonstrate that your child may be at risk? You need a different plan to leave if this is the case.

Mim78 Thu 07-Nov-13 12:55:58

I don't think you are saying you "want" to be a single Mum, just that you don't want to be with him any more. That sounds completely reasonable. From everything you have said you should definitely leave him. Never mind MIL.

SomeoneOld Thu 07-Nov-13 12:58:39

No, I don't want to be graphic but it was rape scenario stuff, not involving children but still, should a man who gets turned on by physical and sexual abuse of women be partially responsible for raising a daughter?

It's good to hear positive stories. I can only see life being much better without him. I imagine there are wonderful men out there but is it worth meeting several more men like H in order to find one? Probably not.

Sorry, I didn't mean to leap to conclusions - I was just concerned.

SomeoneOld Thu 07-Nov-13 13:06:46

It's Ok, if it was anything like that I'd have gone to the police.

whatshallwedo Thu 07-Nov-13 13:17:00

My exdp left a couple of months ago as he too was spending more and more time watching porn and chatting to women online. This wasn't the first time he'd been caught out but I decided enough was enough.

I am now on my own with my dd and have to say I am coping fine and I love not having to worry about what he is doing. He, otoh, has made himself out to be a victim by not telling people the truth as to why we split as it portrays him in a bad light.

If you have a children's centre nearby go and have a chat with someone there as my one has someone who can help with money/benefits and how to claim.

SomeoneOld Thu 07-Nov-13 16:10:26

Sounds just like my H, well done for getting free.

whatshallwedo Thu 07-Nov-13 16:28:36

Thank you, you could do it too if you believe you would be happier (not doubting that you would be but only you can make that decision)

I do wonder npw though how I could ever trust another man after all of his lies but that is something to work on for the future.

He does see dd frequently and I think we will both have a better relationship with her as our home life is much more relaxed.

Mia4 Thu 07-Nov-13 16:55:40

OP, forget the whole single mother thing, your question should be: Do I want to continue being in a relationship with a childish, manipulative, useless liar. Sounds like the answers no and I think everyone would be echoing the same in your situation.

My friend got free of someone who was dragging her badly down like this, she was pregnant at the time and it was a really hard step especially when he didn't want to give up all the benefits he got by being with her. She's stronger for it-takes no shit and knows immediately now when people are starting to play games. She now has a lovely DP who is a better dad to her child then his biological father.

TwoStepsBeyond Thu 07-Nov-13 17:01:05

He sounds awful, do LTB, I did for much less than this and I've never been happier. Being single mum to 3 with all the responsibility that entails, is still far better than being a downtrodden emotionally abused wife.

And fwiw I'm financially better off now, as I do get help wi tax credits etc and his maintenance but the main difference is I can choose how that money is spent, not him, so if I want to buy a new coat for DS or a jumper for myself, I can do it without 20 questions when I get home.

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