AIBU regarding my teens relationship .

(232 Posts)
kelziemumof3 Mon 04-Nov-13 14:41:57

My daughter is 15 and has a long term boyfriend , they have been friends since primary and started dating at 12 ( childish stuff ) any way I know him very well and his parents and y daughter is very open with me about their relationship. I now let him stay over at out house and have taken her to the drs regarding the pill and we have very open conversations. anyway sunday morning I had my friend around and my daughters boyfriend came down in his pjs and she v clearly stated her opinions and made me feel like the worse mother in the world .. AIBU to let him stay at ours and vice versa.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 04-Nov-13 14:44:50

No. You know your child and how sensible she is. It's your decision, not your friends.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali Mon 04-Nov-13 14:46:50

I'd ditch the friend.

How dare she criticize your parenting.

angry

Kaygunner Mon 04-Nov-13 14:47:16

Your lucky our daughter is so open with you, I hope wen mine are that age I will have the same relationship with them. You have done all the right things in my opinion, she's on the pill they are being safe and if their not doing it under your roof they will do it somewhere else tbh. I got pregnant at 16 didn't have a open relationship with my mum and honestly would have preferred to have been safe and felt like I could be that open with my mum.

MrsDrRanj Mon 04-Nov-13 14:47:34

Yanbu.

My first serious boyfriend stayed over at 15. I was on the pill, it was a sensible loving relationship that I still look back on fondly.

Teenagers will find a way to have sex whether you give them the opportunity or not. Your daughter will appreciate the trust and probably act accordingly.

jollygoose Mon 04-Nov-13 14:47:58

YANBU imo, my own dd had the same situation she had told me quite clearly she intended to sleep with long time bf. I allowed them to stay at home and they had a very happy rl which lasted 3 years. Since then she had a handful of bfs all of whom we liked and treated her well and is now happily married.
As long as bf treats her and your home ith respect and she clearly is not promiscuous it is no one elses business.

CoffeeTea103 Mon 04-Nov-13 14:48:18

I wouldn't encourage that. At that age I would just want them to be focused on school and other goals. They have the rest of their lives to be living together and being adults.

KellyElly Mon 04-Nov-13 14:51:06

I wouldn't encourage that. At that age I would just want them to be focused on school and other goals. They have the rest of their lives to be living together and being adults. Have you forgotten what it's like at that age. It's those exact kind of comments that make teens rebel. You can have a relationship and focus on your studies. You can also not be having a relationship and be getting up to all sorts of other things, apart from your school work!

kelziemumof3 Mon 04-Nov-13 14:51:56

that was my thought on it tbh , they were childhood friends lol he always stayed from the age of like 5 lol stopped when they started secondary school and then started again recently. she told me they were sexually active and I didn't want her to be ashamed. I had her v young and wanted to make sure they were safe and under my roof is where they are most safe.

WilsonFrickett Mon 04-Nov-13 14:52:50

I'm kind of on the fence. I agree with being open, and helping her access contraceptive advice. But openly staying over at 15 is a step too far for me - it's still under the age of consent.

That said, that is how I will parent my child. How you parent your child is none of my business - or your friend's! So I wouldn't let her make you feel bad.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Mon 04-Nov-13 14:55:26

I think its great youve got your DD to go on the pill (better safe than sorry) and your friend is very unreasonable to comment at all. Its nothing to do with her, doesnt affect her in any way whatsoever. Your DD is honest and open with you, or seems to be thats a good thing.

CbeebiesIsMyLife Mon 04-Nov-13 14:57:10

Coffee, I don't have teens et but I remember what I was like as a teen. By not in outshine it my parents practically cemented in my brain it was going to happen!

Op I think it's great your dd is so open with you, you have clearly done a great job if she feels she can talk to you about her relationship and sex with him. If your comfortable and his parents are too, drop judgy outspoken friend. She has no place criticising you.

Nanny0gg Mon 04-Nov-13 14:59:06

I understand why you've done what you've done. I couldn't do it because I fundamentally disagree with 15 year-olds having sex (and yes I do remember what it's like at that age!) and I wouldn't condone it under my roof.
However it's your family and you do what you think is best.

kelziemumof3 Mon 04-Nov-13 15:02:17

she also made a comment about me having younger kids in the house , as I have a 1 2 yr old and a 5 yr old , about having her have sex under the roof with them in it which I really don't understand lol ... they have separate rooms. and me and my other r defo not celebate :/

LouiseAderyn Mon 04-Nov-13 15:02:26

I think ideally we would all prefer it if our dc weren't sexually active at 15, but the fact is you cannot stop it so the next best thing is to manage it, by sorting contraception and by encouraging openness and honesty.

Your 'friend' is a dick who should mind her own business and keep her nose out of yours.

I would agree that I am on the fence. My parents would never have allowed that and I still have never had sex with them in the same building as me, but I know too that teenagers will do whatever whether you know about it or not so I can see why you'd rather she was doing it in safety rather than in a park. In my opinion though 15 is still too young to be sexually active.

kelziemumof3 Mon 04-Nov-13 15:05:12

yh , trust me when she first told me ( she discussed with me before she they had actually moved up to that stage ) I was mortified but losing my rag and shouting wasn't going to help, we sat down I told her about the risks and whether she was older enough mentally and whether she loved him I couldn't stop her just advise her .

Tryharder Mon 04-Nov-13 15:11:08

There seems to be the general consensus that all teens are having sex from an early age whether the parent likes it or not. I disagree with that. I didn't lose my virginity until my late teens and neither did a lot of my friends.

I think 15 is too young to be having sex hence the reason why the age of consent is 16.

I also don't want my children when they are still children having sex in my house. Its disrespectful.

I am aware I am in a minority here.

MoominMammasHandbag Mon 04-Nov-13 15:15:53

YANBU I have had a similar situation with a judgy friend and my DD is 17. If teens want to have sex they will have sex. Far better for it to be in a loving relationship with proper contraception.
You have in all liklehood ensured that your daughter will not have a baby too young, will not "experiment" with someone she has little feelings for, purely out of curiosity and will not fall victim to peer pressure to have sex when she is not in a loving relationship.
I am really glad my girl is learning about safe, respectful, loving relationships. I can't see her settling for anything less in the future.

BeigeBuffet Mon 04-Nov-13 15:19:29

How you parent your child is up to you and if you feel that this is the best for your child then you are doing the right thing. Your friend was wrong to make you feel like that. The only comment that I would make is around the choice of contraception. If your daughter doesn't want to be a young mum (and there would be no judgement if she did), I would maybe talk with her about longer term forms of contraception. I say this simply because I remember how active my social life was at that age and how easy it is to miss a pill. Again, it's a very personal choice, but it is something I would raise, just in case she felt her contraceptive choices were limited.

RiffyWammal Mon 04-Nov-13 15:32:15

I used to get similar judginess from a friend, who always made me feel terrible about decisions I made about my children and how I brought them up. Then I grew the confidence to say well, that's not how we do things - you do things I wouldn't do too. I began to feel more relaxed about my decisions and stopped worrying what she would think/do.

I recently learned that she has OCPD, which among other things makes sufferers have very strict moral ideas that they cannot be flexible about; their way is right and every other way is wrong.

Your friend should mind her own business! You know best what is right for your daughter.

Nanny0gg Mon 04-Nov-13 15:58:18

she also made a comment about me having younger kids in the house , as I have a 1 2 yr old and a 5 yr old , about having her have sex under the roof with them in it which I really don't understand lol ... they have separate rooms. and me and my other r defo not celebate :/

I think she's probably more thinking that it is telling your other children that if they want to sleep with their b/f or g/f in your house, you won't have a problem with it, rather the fact that sex 'happens' in your house, IYSWIM.

mrsjay Mon 04-Nov-13 16:02:25

I dont agree with boufriends staying over underage It is great your dd has a good relationship and a nice boyfriend however it is none of my bloody business what my friends let their teenagers do and i would never dream of tutting like your friend did ,

mrsjay Mon 04-Nov-13 16:03:06

boyfriends*

mrsjay Mon 04-Nov-13 16:04:18

I think if it is righht for you and a decision you have made then you are not being unreasonable ,

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