AIBU to refuse access to daughter ( long story sorry )

(104 Posts)
lolarose2591 Wed 23-Oct-13 19:09:00

hi , I me and my ex had our daughter when we were v young but made it work. last year I gave birth to a lil boy and whilst being pregnant with him my partner was having an affair with my best friend who happens to be my daughter god mother.

we obviously split up and he has wanted access to my daughter but not my son, I have refused him access as I think this is unfair.

then a few months ago my daughter fell extremely poorly and had to have serious surgery, I rang him and let him and also did let her see him at this time as I thought we were going to lose her . she has still not fully recovered and probably won't but he is still not treating my son the same so have stopped contact until further notice

but I don't know if im being unreasonable to my daughter ?

RedHelenB Thu 24-Oct-13 09:34:48

I had a very similar situation & said all or none. He chose all but ALWAYS with OW in tow so I think YAB a bit U to force that issue & so would most courts.

I think it is guilt & the reminder to OW that you were obviously still having sexual relations when they were having their affair. My ds was wanted & planned but he didn't see him for over a year, until I forced the issue. Positives are they have a relationship now but nothing like the father/son relationship they could have.

lolarose2591 Thu 24-Oct-13 08:57:33

moreyear, he has spent no time with him , from not being at the birth ( ok this was kind of my fault in a way ) too not coming in the house and meeting daughter downstairs instead.

getormoil - my daughter hasn't only got diabetes this is why I let him in the first place was because she fell extremely sick and had to have her pancreas, gall bladder, part of her stomach. part of her small intestine and spleen removed which has left her with diabetes, doesn't produce enzymes and prone to infections. I knew she needed her dad at this time and I also wanted him there. In this time he still refused to care for ds. I just really don't understand it , the only thing I can think of is guilt ! that he feels guilty at what he done when I was pregnant with him.

I am also worried that if I force it or do all the persuaded it will always be a resented relationship if that makes sense ?

GetOrfMoiLandFucker Thu 24-Oct-13 08:20:12

Oh bless you OP. It all sounds a nightmare, I don't blame you for being upset about the whole thing. Plus you have the worry of your daughter being type 1 diabetic and having to manage that for her.

It's a real shame that you have little real life support. The fact that your XP you classed as your family, and also a best friend of 10 years, it must feel like an enormous blow. You have an awful lot on your plate. Wish someone was there to be a shoulder to cry on!

I think it is very unfair for him not to what to see his son. I actually think you're in the right in wanting him to take them both and well done for persevering with it. However, as hurtful and hateful it must be, I think you should forget about keeping your children away from his girlfriend. I know it goes against every instinct you have, however I think it might be best to pick your battles - if you give way on that point it may well be easier for you to encourage him to take your son and get to know him. Oh what an arse he is to have to be persuaded.

I hope he comes to the party and perhaps he will reconsider.

And the bitterness and anger will go in time, and the feeling of hurt. You have a lot to deal with for someone so young but you come across very well on here so you should be proud that you have managed to keep it all together in what has been a very stressful time for you.

moreyear Thu 24-Oct-13 08:06:23

What a horrid, vile person he must be to treat your son in this manner Lola. Has he spent any time with him at all?

I hope for your children's sake he begins to act in a more responsible and nurturing manner but until he does I can completely understand why you want to act in this way. It must absolutely break your heart.

And if your son is one in a week it will only be a very short time before he will be able to recognise what is happening. My 15 month old screams like an angry Pterodactyl when my 2 1/2 year old is taken to playschool a couple of mornings a week. She is certainly aware if her brother is going out without her.

wonderingsoul Thu 24-Oct-13 07:53:51

ynbu its ethier both or non at all.

for thouse who says its unfair on dd.. what about the ds.. and the relationship between dd and ds...

the op has even said he can see dd one the weekend long as he sees ds for a few hours to build a relationship, (before having him at the weekend to i hope) i dont think she can get fair than that.

thegoldenfool Thu 24-Oct-13 07:30:25

i think although DDs relationship with her dad is important, her relationship with her brother is just as important, and the example that it will set about how to behave by ignoring your DS means that you are doing the best of a bad job but letting him only see both or none.

It´s not like he is showing himself to be a stable influence in the future sad

DoubleLifeIsForAnyFUCKER Thu 24-Oct-13 01:49:20

Horrible situation and really hard to change as you can't make him be a good person, no matter how much he should be.

Btw, you're using the names of your children in your posts, are you sure that's a good idea? We normally use ds/ dd to keep it anonymous, of you want to change it I'm sure mumsnet would change it for you...

Chakkarollo Thu 24-Oct-13 01:43:46

lolarose my mother was a bit naughty by saying to my dad it was not possible to see me at many times which was not entirely true.My mother made it difficult for my father to see me .That's what i mean by her behavior.It's hard to comment on your personal situation because we don't know the father .If he was a total out of it then fair enough etc..

lolarose2591 Thu 24-Oct-13 01:31:10

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

lessonsintightropes Thu 24-Oct-13 01:23:40

Oh lolarose I think you are in a non-win situation here, and a pretty shitty one at that. Sorry, this is not a nice place to be.

I think on balance like PP it might cause longer term problems with your DD if you refuse access. Whatever the situation with your son, he does have the right I think to try and have a relationship with her, and it would muck up your mum/daughter bond later on if you didn't allow him access.

It's messier with the inclusion of the 'friend/girlfriend' though and I can completely understand what a cow you think she is (or I would anyway) but if your DD knows and likes her sadly it might be happier all around for their relationship to continue.

However, your ex DP really needs to sort out his hideous attitude to his son and you should (IMO) use whatever social pressure is at your command to get him to play an active part. If I was in your situation I would try and make him feel guilty about not being involved in his life when he is, in the life of his sister. If you can get him to reflect on this it might help.

You sound like someone who is really sorted out and mature and trying to do the best you can when other people around you aren't - the best of luck to you and your lovely kids are lucky to have you.

lolarose2591 Thu 24-Oct-13 01:19:33

chakarollo , what part did you think was your mums fault and what behaviour ?

Chakkarollo Thu 24-Oct-13 01:16:55

I was bought up a bit like that and my mother seriously regrets her behavior now and wishes we had more access to our father at the time.I wish I had more contact with my father aswell .I felt my father never really cared but it wasn't entirely his fault

lolarose2591 Thu 24-Oct-13 01:09:45

im going to give it one more shot , by inviting them to ds bday next week , if he makes no effort then i will leave it in his ball court regarding what he decides smile

MoominsYonisAreScary Thu 24-Oct-13 00:51:02

I dont think you could be any more reasonable towards him, evrything you suggest regarding your son is met by a no from him.

Dont see how in the long term him seeing one without the other would work without causing jealousy and resentment

lolarose2591 Thu 24-Oct-13 00:45:20

hey fourbythree , i know what you mean and that's what i have tried , saying he can even be at mine for a couple of hours on a firday with my ds and then take daughter after without him, until his bonded and comfortable. if there is any suggestions on how to try and get contact started without court i would defo try smile

fourbythree Thu 24-Oct-13 00:41:43

It might be that he's a bit overwhelmed at the thought of having a poorly 5 year old and a 1 year old in his care at the same time - that's quite a responsibility for a 20 yr old ( I know you cope - but you rock :-) )
I wonder if instead of getting defensive And pushing it to court you could try and think of ways he could get to know his son? Maybe suggest he takes him for an hour or 2 on their own?
I know what happened with him and your friend is awful and you must feel very betrayed and hurt- but I think you need to be the mature one here and see that the gf bring involved might actually be beneficial to your children - she clearly had a connection with them through her years of knowing you - and it may be that she can bring a bit of understanding about your daughters medical needs.
I think the most urgent thing you need to go is to get your diabetes nurse specialist to contact your ex to make time to go through her plan of care. He needs to fully understand her medical needs so he can look after her safely.

lolarose2591 Wed 23-Oct-13 23:53:24

thank you for all the advice and support. I do deep down believe i am doing what is right in the long term. I would never put a barrier between him and the children without reason , if i had my way it would be 50/50 and would love for both my children to be bought up by 2 parents as i know how it feels not to.

for now I am going to refuse him contact unless he choices to decide he want to at least attempt contact with both. If we end up in court then i will argue that it is not in the best interest of either child to be in that situation.

i don't want to come across bitter and angry , and although yes I am angry at him and hate what he did to us i would never let that dictate what he is like as a father and do hope that one day , he will see sense and see that his son needs him as much as my daughter.

Retroformica Wed 23-Oct-13 23:20:23

Unless he is an abusive man, you need to encourage a relationship with both kids. He need time to bond with boy and opportunities.

needaholidaynow Wed 23-Oct-13 22:42:45

The best interests of the children would be to not create sibling rivalry and to keep things balanced instead of making the children think that one child is more important and loved than the other.

If its I the best interests of the DD to carry on seeing her dad, then how long will that carry on for where she sees him on her own without her brother? 6 months? A year? 3 or 4 years? It won't be long before her brother sees her going off visiting their dad and wondering why he can't go as well.

It's really not as simple as being in the DD's best interests anymore. There are now two children in the family, not just the one. They are siblings, and the dad cannot just choose to see his oldest child and not his youngest. It doesn't work like that. It's all or nothing.

ThePinkOcelot Wed 23-Oct-13 22:40:33

YADNBU! What an arsehole. I can't believe some posters think that this is okay!

iheartdusty Wed 23-Oct-13 22:31:14

as I said above, I really strongly feel that it's both or neither.

but I don't agree that OP should immediately offer direct contact to both.

How will her ex treat little DS, if he doesn't really want to see him?

I think OP should send an official letter offering supervised contact at a contact centre to both, because of the very significant risk that ex will cause emotional harm to DC through neglecting DS in favour of DD, and because DS does not know him at all and is very young and vulnerable indeed.

WilsonFrickett Wed 23-Oct-13 22:23:36

I don't think anyone has said the XP is reasonable actually. Everyone thinks he's a prick, it's pretty much unanimous. What some posters have said though is it isn't about the XP, it's about the best interests of the children. ATM it may be in the DD's best interests to see her F. That's all.

It's a horrendous situation though and OP fwiw I think you are trying to do the best you can with a shitty set of circumstances.

HildaOgden Wed 23-Oct-13 22:20:18

I'd get proper legal advice,and send him an official letter offering reasonable access to both children.

Then let him reply stating he only wants access to one of them.

Then I'd bring that to court and let the judge clearly see what a fucker neglectful parent your ex truly is.

For what it's worth,I really admire your maturity in dealing with such a horrible situation.I really hope it works out well for you and your kids,you all definitely deserve better than that deadbeat.

Thisfuckerisaeuphemism Wed 23-Oct-13 22:11:44

Imagine any parent saying they're only going to look after one of their kids!
Its utterly outrageous. And that's besides the fact he ran off with her best friend and doesn't support them.

needaholidaynow Wed 23-Oct-13 21:52:24

I know, it's fucking bonkers and the double standards on here sometimes are shocking.

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