AIBU to refuse access to daughter ( long story sorry )

(104 Posts)
lolarose2591 Wed 23-Oct-13 19:09:00

hi , I me and my ex had our daughter when we were v young but made it work. last year I gave birth to a lil boy and whilst being pregnant with him my partner was having an affair with my best friend who happens to be my daughter god mother.

we obviously split up and he has wanted access to my daughter but not my son, I have refused him access as I think this is unfair.

then a few months ago my daughter fell extremely poorly and had to have serious surgery, I rang him and let him and also did let her see him at this time as I thought we were going to lose her . she has still not fully recovered and probably won't but he is still not treating my son the same so have stopped contact until further notice

but I don't know if im being unreasonable to my daughter ?

Louise1956 Wed 23-Oct-13 19:11:02

Why does he not want access to his son? that seems very strange. but I don't think refusing to let him see his daughter will be good for her. is she fond of her father?

Sparklysilversequins Wed 23-Oct-13 19:11:25

I honestly don't know what to say to this except What A Twunt that man must be. What's his reasoning?

lolarose2591 Wed 23-Oct-13 19:13:15

they had a close bond before we split , he makes all kinds of excuses like he didn't bond with him and he misses her because he was a stahd with her. when we first split up he saw neither for 3 months .. hadn't met ds, then he stated he missed her.

Sparklysilversequins Wed 23-Oct-13 19:15:50

It's a tough one alright. It's unfair on both isn't it? If he had a relationship with her, how is your ds going to feel growing up and seeing that he hasn't bothered with him?

I'd be tempted to say both or none too.

Spirulina Wed 23-Oct-13 19:15:56

How old are the children?

lolarose2591 Wed 23-Oct-13 19:18:21

sparkly that is my reasoning , I feel i am choosing which of my children to hurt. the children are 5 and nearly 1.

lunar1 Wed 23-Oct-13 19:20:25

I agree with you, it's both it neither,

lolarose2591 Wed 23-Oct-13 19:22:05

it seems to be i always get made out to be the bad person
" you won't let me see my daughter "
and because i said if he had them both on set days etc i wanted it to be just him for a while not his girlfriend as daughter will get confused , I am also being a cow.

he pays no money towards them etc.

iheartdusty Wed 23-Oct-13 19:24:54

it's a balance - is it worse for the children if;

a) he doesn't see either of them; that will damage his existing relationship with DD and she'll miss out;

or

b) he only sees DD, and both she and DS grow up knowing that he preferred her over DS, and that she's treated differently. That could damage not only his relationship with both DD and DS but also, over time, their relationship with each other. DD may feel huge guilt and DS may feel huge rejection.

Don't let the siblings be treated differently. I think b) is much worse. Either he shapes up and treats them both the same, or he doesn't see them. Tell him he can send letters and cards provided he sends to both, until he's ready to see both.

Sparklysilversequins Wed 23-Oct-13 19:27:52

I agree, it's the lesser of two very horrible evils. What an arse of a man angry

lolarose2591 Wed 23-Oct-13 19:34:38

I think i have been fair , i have offered him access to both without girlfriend only because daughter is used to her being mummy best friend and aunty and wanted her to adjust to us being apart first.

he tore this family apart, he was all i had since i was 11 and i love him more than anything but i am trying to put that aside for the kids.

when my dd fell sick i thought i was going to lose it and i didn't have anyone , he refused to look after ds so i could go see her.

we bumped in to him and his girlfriend in McDonalds and she ran to my daughter picked her up and was like ahh i miss you so much ( wanted to vomit )

quietlysuggests Wed 23-Oct-13 19:34:46

I think you are utterly wrong and the legal position is that you are wrong.
Your daughter has a bond with her father and you want to cut that to shreds because you are mad at him over something else.
I know you think you are being fair to your son, but he doesn't even know his dad, how is he going to miss him> He wont care.
So, because you are mad at him you will destroy your daughters relationship with her dad.

Why are you even asking if you are being reasonable?
You know you aren't.

lolarose2591 Wed 23-Oct-13 19:39:27

quietly but surely if i said sure see her then i would be being unreasonable to my son ?

WilsonFrickett Wed 23-Oct-13 19:42:17

I kind of agree with quietly although I wouldn't have put it quite as strongly. He has played his own part in destroying his relationship with both his children. However I suspect this is very hard for your DD and her needs do have to come first here.

As always. first question. Have you sorted anything out formally/gone to the CSA?

lolarose2591 Wed 23-Oct-13 19:44:28

Wilson i am in the middle of sorting that out. the thing is I feel guilty what ever I decide.
and it has nothing to do with how angry I am. i offered him to have both of them on set days to build a relationship.
even said he could have her weekends but spend a few hours with son before to build a connection.

WhoNickedMyName Wed 23-Oct-13 19:45:52

Yes YABU to your daughter.

kitsmummy Wed 23-Oct-13 19:48:34

You poor thing, it's a no win situation. I completely disagree with quietlysuggests though - you really think that DS won't care that his dad wanted his sister but not him? Really?

ImperialBlether Wed 23-Oct-13 19:48:35

OP, is your ex the same age as you?

I wonder whether his girlfriend has anything to do with this decision. He sounds so awful - everything he does is worse than the last thing he's done.

Does his girlfriend have children? If so, what's he like with them?

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 23-Oct-13 19:49:33

Oh fuck off is she bur,

She has given him several options to see both kids he's the one acting like a cunt.

kitsmummy Wed 23-Oct-13 19:50:55

I think I fall on the side of both or none. Tbh, your ex sounds such a dick that I expect he's unlikely to keep up contact long term anyway sad

Sparklysilversequins Wed 23-Oct-13 19:51:03

Don't be ridiculous that he won't care! He won't be one forever. That child will grow up seeing his Dad loving his sister but not him. What an awful knowledge to grow up with, how low will his self esteem be? It's one of the most damaging things I have ever heard.

lolarose2591 Wed 23-Oct-13 19:51:51

no imperial she doesn't have any children. he is the same age as me , well i am 19 and his 20.

It is hard to tell about the girlfriend situation tbh because I tend to separate the 2.
she was obviously a big part of daughter life as well , so could see her defiantly wanted to be apart of her life.
my lil man has done nothing wrong, his bubbly and beautiful and doesn't deserve it.

Sparklysilversequins Wed 23-Oct-13 19:53:20

It will cause huge resentment between the siblings also. He will resent her hugely as he gets old enough to realise what's going on "why is my dsis the only one who gets to see OUR Dad?" So another damaged relationship at the hands of one stupid, selfish man.

TwickOrTweasels Wed 23-Oct-13 19:54:07

I think it's both or nothing. It is fucking irrelevant that he hasn't bonded with his son. It's still his son and you can't possibly say he won't care because he doesn't know him confused

So, when DS is 5 and big sis is off to her dads and he asks where his dad is? Wtf is she supposed to say?

He sounds like a proper dickhead. Get some legal advice love x

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