To feel sorry for some dads during labour when....

(131 Posts)
Writerwannabe83 Wed 23-Oct-13 16:37:51

....at the crucial moment the woman says she wants someone else with her at the birth?

I have just watched an episode of OBEM and the woman in labour (aged 18) had her mom with her and the baby's dad who she'd been in a relationship with for two years. In one scene the mom left the room and the guy told his partner that he wished there was more time for just the two of them so they could talk and just be alone together. He said, "Afterall, it is our baby." He was very nice about it but it pulled on my heart strings a little. Sadly the labour didn't progress as well as hoped and the woman needed to be taken to theatre for assisted delivery and she just kept saying, "Can my mom come? I want my mom. I want my mom!" The dad asked the staff if he could go too but they said only one adult could accompany. The woman continued to say she wanted her mom and so they all left the room leaving the poor dad, absolutely petrified and in tears on his own. The cameras just showed him sitting there on a chair in silence in the corner of the room clearly in bits as to what was going on.

I fully understand that in such a daunting situation like labour the woman should have whoever she chooses with her because she needs to be kept calm, but I still can't help feel sorry for the dad's who might get pushed to the side and miss the birth of their child.

When me and husband watch OBEM together and a similar scenario arises he said that he would never allow me to choose someone else over him because he would never forgive me for making him miss his child being born. Obviously this is hypothetical and I would never want anyone but my husband by my side anyway. He also has a little rant about the 'maternal grandmas to be' who are at the labours and says he can't believe they push the dad out - he reckons that when they are told only one adult can be with the pregnant woman during dangerous periods of labour they should back down out of courtesy and allow the couple to share the moment.

Like I said, I fully support any woman's choice to have whoever she wants at the birth but I do feel bad for some men if they are made to miss it.

I'm just curious if anyone on here has been in any kind of similar situation and how your partners reacted?

I haven't been in exactly that situation, but I would have to admit that I didn't want my DH with me during labour or the birth and only backed down because he would have been devastated if he hadn't been. Yes, the mother should be kept calm, but I agree with you and your DH that actually the father has feelings as well, and assuming that the couple are "together" then I can't see any reason for having any one else there instead.

Sleepyhead33 Wed 23-Oct-13 16:43:21

...he would never allow you to... -really don't like that, sorry.

Would always want my DH with me but I do get that not everyone feels that way. I could definitely see an 18yr old me preferring my mum to be there. So yes, it is a shame that some dads miss out on that moment but it is definitely more important to me that a woman can choose who she wants to be present.

SantanaLopez Wed 23-Oct-13 16:45:45

I would be furious with my DH if he told me that he wouldn't 'allow' me to do anything when I am the one giving birth.

I can understand an 18 year old wanting her own mum there, although I wouldn't have wanted it myself.

MrsGarlic Wed 23-Oct-13 16:46:53

I had my mother with me when I gave birth along with my husband. She was very good though, and not pushy. She did tell us that if we wanted her to go at any point then just to say, and afterwards she left the three of us (as in me, H and baby) to have some time together.

We'd discussed in advance what would happen in "emergencies". If I needed a c-section then my H would go with me. If I was in intensive care or similar and the baby was somewhere else, then mum would stay with me and my H would go with the baby, so the baby would have a parent there. This was discussed with him though, I didn't make the decision by myself IYSWIM.

I have to say I can't entirely blame the 'grandmas' who perhaps push the dads out. That's their little girl going through something huge, painful and life-changing. I would imagine their first thought is to protect and support their child, not waste time thinking about their son-in-law who is, after all, not in any life-threatening situation (and labour can be dangerous).

I wanted my mum there because I think there's something powerful about a woman who has already done it, telling me I can do it too, IYSWIM. I felt like it connected me to a long line of women giving birth and supporting each other in doing so. I wanted my husband there almost for the baby's sake and my mum there for ME.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 23-Oct-13 16:48:05

He only said that because he knows full well I would never choose my mum, or anyone, over him anyway smile He isn't a dominating husband, I promise grin

divegirl77 Wed 23-Oct-13 16:49:13

Strange isn't it. In time gone by giving birth was the realm of women and men would certainly not expected to be there and be informed after the fact.

To me this strikes of an immature young girl who is struggling with becoming a woman and doesn't feel emotionally ready to be a mum hence she want's her mum.

Sadly for DD2 we bothed missed her being born! Had a spinal, had a lot of complications during surgery so it took ages, spinal started to wear off so they had to knock me out. DH wasn't allowed back in with me until I was coming round, and DD2 was kept with me, so neither of us got to hold her straight away either. While I agree that it's a shame for the Dad to miss it, I don't think that's overly important compared to what the Mum is going through. If she feels she wants her Mum there, then that's just tough on the Dad. I know my DH would be upset if I chose my Mum over him, but I also know he loves me and has my best interests at heart. He would respect my decision and not hold it against me.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 23-Oct-13 16:49:58

That's sounds like you and your husband had a really nice set-up MrsGarlic and it is great you had an understanding mother and that it was all thought out and planned in advance. I hope the birth went well smile

ithaka Wed 23-Oct-13 16:50:22

I don't think my DH particularly wanted to be at any of her births, and I don't blame him. However, I really needed him and he was great. If I had wanted my mum, that would have been fine with him to. His job was to support me - I think he feels his needs should take second place to the person that has to go through labour & I agree with him. He was amazed at how brave I was to give birth more than once & would do anything to make it as easy for me as possible.

Dads thinking about their emotional needs in the face of the enormity of childbirth can shove off, as far as I am concerned.

Weasleyismyking Wed 23-Oct-13 16:50:39

...he would never allow me to choose someone else over him because he would never forgive me for making him miss his child being born...
[shocked]
YDHIBVU

A grown up woman (in this scenario it was a woman) is potentially going to be better for a terrified vulnerable 18 year old girl than a terrified 18 year old boy is.

HexU Wed 23-Oct-13 16:52:03

I didn't want any of the female members of my family any where near me giving birth - I was happy DH was around but not in constant conversation with me - though my DC didn't hang around once labour started.

But others are different and it is about the mother during labour - I also think there are a fair few men who don't want to be around or involved but feel like they have to be there as it's expected.

reelingintheyears Wed 23-Oct-13 16:53:25

DP was at all three of ours.

And at the business end. grin

But I would have loved my Mum to be there too but she lived too far away.
18 is so young, I think i'd have still wanted my Mum at that age.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Wed 23-Oct-13 16:55:16

I don't want anyone theret if I ever have another. I think I would rather just do it on my own with a midwife and leave DH at home.

But yeah, if the words I won't allow you to' ever came out of my husband's mouth I'd tell him where he could fuck off to.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 23-Oct-13 16:56:00

The business end

The girl in the scenario told the dad he couldn't be at the end of the bed as she didn't want him being able to see 'her place' smile

realme Wed 23-Oct-13 16:56:00

but its his baby too.how many women complain of not having the partner support!complete disregard for his feelings,not fair.its about the baby mostly,and the mother yes,but dads shouldn't be pushed out IMO.

wibblyjelly Wed 23-Oct-13 16:58:07

I had my dh with me in hospital. My sister visited me after I'd been in labour for 2 days, and we asked her to stay so dh could get some rest. She ended up staying overnight with us, which wasn't really allowed, but as she was a nurse, the midwifes let her stay. She was a great support to dh, which in turn help me relax. She was also able to point out to the midwife that my drip wasn't connected properly. However, if it was a choice between her or dh to be there, I would have chosen dh. There's only one chance to see your child being born, and I'd only want dh there alongside me.

ApocalypseThen Wed 23-Oct-13 16:58:07

I can understand wanting your Mum, even at my age. She understands what's happening to you. There are lots of times when I just want my Mum, even as a married adult woman.

What I wouldn't want is someone who wants the experience for themselves rather than to support me.

tabulahrasa Wed 23-Oct-13 16:58:43

I was 17 when I had my DS...I wanted my mum too sad she couldn't get there, but I really wanted her, in that terrified panicky child way - where only your mum will do.

It wasn't a reflection on my DP at all and when I had DD it didn't even cross my mind to have anyone but him there and I'm glad he was there with my DS for him and for DS, but I still feel sad that I couldn't have my mum when I needed her.

Thurlow Wed 23-Oct-13 17:00:25

There was a big part of my labour where DP had gone home to sleep - I'd been on the ward all day, he got chucked out, I went for an epidural late in the evening and we all agreed to leave him at home to sleep. Obviously things went wrong and he had to rush in, because that's sod's law.

But I actually quite liked that he wasn't there, and it was just me and midwife (and the increasing number of doctors and consultants...) while all the scarier things like epidurals and stirrups and foetal blood tests happened. DP probably would have passed out. It was much calmer without him!

He made it in for the cs though, at least.

Weasleyismyking Wed 23-Oct-13 17:00:44

That's a good point mrsmango I had to be knocked out for DS1 so DH wasn't allowed into the operating theatre and we both 'missed' the birth.
I don't feel like I missed out on the magical experience of childbirth, I'm actually glad I wasn't conscious whilst they fought to resuscitate DS1 and save his life!
It's what comes after that's important. Just because someone would rather have a birthing partner other than their DP, does not mean they don't want them present to bring the child up.

I would have like my mum present, I was 25 when I gave birth. I wanted her there because she's had many children, and has lots of experience with hospitals.

I don't think it's immature to want your mum there. But I suppose it depends on the bond you have. I couldn't have done it without my DH present though, it was really bloody hard, and I think it did actually make us stronger as a couple.

HavantGuard Wed 23-Oct-13 17:02:57

Birth is about the mother. It's her blood pressure that affects the baby. Her stress levels that can stall labour risking he and the baby's health. If she wants a Llama in the room, stick it in a gown and get on with it.

Weasleyismyking Wed 23-Oct-13 17:04:10

What I wouldn't want is someone who wants the experience for themselves rather than to support me.

^^this

Sorry, forget to add...I don't think the dad should have been pushed out. Maybe the granny should have stepped back, but she was worried about her little girl.

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