To be silent for the day

(34 Posts)
GruffBillyGoat Sun 20-Oct-13 07:03:10

Today is the only day that my DP and I are both not working and able to spend time together for the afternoon. (he worked all morning, but has the afternoon off)

We both sat down at our laptops, I asked what he was up to, he jumped down my throat and said he just wanted a moments peace and quiet. I did not speak again for over an hour, then picked up the cat for cuddles saying something along the lines of 'your dad won't cuddle me so you have to, deal with it', I was again yelled at about how attention seeking I am and that he just wanted a moments peace and quiet.

I have now stopped speaking. I am aware that I am being childish, but am I being unreasonable?

I feel like shit that I can't even ask what he is up to without being called an 'ADHD attention seeker'.

Vivacia Mon 21-Oct-13 13:54:03

The silent treatment still seems childish and passive aggressive to me.

GruffBillyGoat Mon 21-Oct-13 13:48:28

smile I will definitely use that next time piano.

But the more I think about it I do believe that the punishment fit the crime. The silent treatment is not my go to for showing my displeasure, and in any other circumstance I would not use it. But in this case being yelled at for speaking, not speaking for a while (obviously after telling him what a dick he was being) was both giving him exactly what he wished for, and made him regret ever wishing for it.

It did not take very long for him to realise how unreasonable he was being and apologise, and after that we were able to have a proper conversation about it and then spend lovely evening together.

Had I yelled back, or tried to discuss the issue immediately, he would have just gotten angrier as he was losing more quiet time and instead of innocent questions he now had to deal with serious discussion. We both needed time to cool off and an extreme version of quiet time achieved this, while getting my point across more effectively than any other method.

pictish Mon 21-Oct-13 09:43:30

I agree with you Piano and your post made me smile.
I'm with you. If I got shouted at for daring to speak, I wouldn't sulk...I'd put him straight.
If he couldn't take a telling, and defended his right to treat me like dirt, I'd know he was an arsehole not worth bothering with.

DoYourKegels Mon 21-Oct-13 09:24:36

piano I'm so nicking that phrase. grin

pianodoodle Mon 21-Oct-13 09:10:16

I think you should be expected to be able to say "what are you up to?" without getting yelled at.

I don't do the silent thing though. I'd have just said "alright knob, no need to be so knobby, knobhead"

Or just be plain that I didn't appreciate being yelled at for a simple question.

Unfortunately giving the silent treatment never does anyone any favours so you end up being in the position of seeming just as silly.

pictish Mon 21-Oct-13 08:53:46

Sounds like a disrespectful arse then. Him, not you.

Vivacia Mon 21-Oct-13 08:46:23

So I assumed that on the one afternoon in the week that we actually had a chance to spend time together he would actually want to make the most of it.

Perhaps there's a more successful way of communicating that wish? Also, perhaps he thought having a lazy day, each doing what you want, was making the most of the day together.

GruffBillyGoat Mon 21-Oct-13 05:16:17

Yea I was fully aware that I was being immature (though as I pointed out earlier, I was not aware that he could hear me talking to the cat). He had been home from work and relaxing for at least 3 hours already though, and while I was happy to give him quiet time I did not know that was what he wanted until I asked what he was up to and he yelled at me. Had he calmly said not much I just want some quiet time I would have been happy to leave him alone.

I had also worked 10 hours the day before while he had the day off and as much quiet time as he wanted, but he just complained that he was lonely and missed me. So I assumed that on the one afternoon in the week that we actually had a chance to spend time together he would actually want to make the most of it.

DoJo Sun 20-Oct-13 10:53:03

When you say he 'jumped down your throat' do you mean he raised his voice and flew completely off the handle, or just asked you to leave him alone because he wanted five minutes peace? Can you really not think of a better way to deal with that request than to give him the silent treatment or bother him via the cat? It sounds as though you exacerbated the situation by winding him up after he had told you he just wanted some quiet time, so for that YABU. However it does sound like you have trouble communicating with one another, so maybe try to have a calm discussion once the dust has settled (maybe opening with an apology would be a good idea).

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sun 20-Oct-13 10:22:33

I wouldn't dream of disturbing DH in work, unless it was a very good reason.

I am sorry but he is working, and having being disturbed no matter how well meaning is not on.

Delilahlilah Sun 20-Oct-13 09:48:33

I think you should 're-post in relationships. There sounds like there is much more to this.... maybe some online support would help you.

pictish Sun 20-Oct-13 09:32:16

Oh sorry - you mean the cat is adorable and asking to be annoyed! grin
Yeah...I read it differently to that, but never mind....

Still never make passive aggressive comments about your dp or the situation, through your cat though.

Talk to each other - like adults.

pictish Sun 20-Oct-13 09:26:15

Yopu may think talking through to the cat makes you 'adorable'...I'm pretty sure I'd disagree and find it passive aggressive and annoying as fuck.

That said - no way would I be screeching insults in your face. What an idiot!

Vivacia Sun 20-Oct-13 09:25:33

Both of you seem to be behaving oddly.

It's really hard to tell from your op as it's rather one sided. How is your relationship usually?

Howsuper Sun 20-Oct-13 09:24:15

I do think you sound attention seeking, sorry.

Sometimes I don't want to chat to my husband and vice versa - it is allowed in our sane and adult house.

pictish Sun 20-Oct-13 09:22:59

I think you both sound ineffective at communicating well.
The silent treatment and making passive aggressive digs through the cat - ridiculous.
Screeching in your face - completely unacceptable.

SAounds like you've got into some pretty unhealthy relationship dynamics.

bsc Sun 20-Oct-13 09:20:34

"being adorable is asking to be annoyed"

hmm

That is just a weird view on the world, sorry.

AmberLeaf Sun 20-Oct-13 09:20:19

Beastofburden good post.

erm you both sound a little immature.

He sounds like a fruit loop, go out and re-think your relationship.

Beastofburden Sun 20-Oct-13 09:05:20

I don't think that you were reasonable. He may be tired, or he may be someone like me who desperately needs down time before he can face more interaction with people. My DH wouldn't dream of interrupting my quiet time, and he knows that once I have had it, I will be sociable.

You've made it all about you. Why can't I ask what he is doing? I feel rejected that I can't ask.

He could just as fairly think, why can't she think about me, I feel rejected that she doesn't care how tired I am, she just wants chat and cuddles the minute I come in, and now I am getting the silent treatment.

You need to try to understand how he feels, much more tired than you and possibly more of a quiet type. He has worked all morning, you didn't, I bet you had a bit of quiet when he was out.

WhereToGoForReferal Sun 20-Oct-13 08:50:04

He's been working all morning while you have had time to yourself - give him a break!

You both sound very immature, how old are you?

BlackholesAndRevelations Sun 20-Oct-13 08:41:04

You both sound a bit odd! Jumping around screeching = odd (and he reckons YOU are an "ADHD attention seeker"?!) However, talking through cat (and telling anyone/thing "deal with it", which really gets on my nerves) = also odd.

plum100 Sun 20-Oct-13 08:35:33

He sounds a bit odd tbh - which adults go round screeching in faces?

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