to be Well Jealous of those with lots of family support ie Babysitting??

(153 Posts)
mistyshouse Thu 10-Oct-13 09:17:38

my friend is jetting off to new york with her dh this morning and her 2 dcs are being looked after for the week by grandparents

this will never happen for me and dh. even though our dparents are relatively young (under 60) as MIL is a selfish arse who rarely babysits and then only for DD, as DS is not her proper grandchild (he is from my previous relationship, therefore she is not interested sad ) yet she constantly babysits her DP's GC who is not her bio GC (this whole MIL story, in itself, is a long story) and my parents both work full time and are not that keen on babysitting for more than a few hours at a time or at a push if we are desperate, overnight. but my mum has a knack of making me feel guilty about it and like a child again when i have to ask her.

we are having DC3 in april and babysitting will become even more scarce as who will want to look after 3 dcs?

aibu to be massively jealous a bit envious of the lucky lucky jammy bastards parents who have loads of babysitting options?

i wouldnt change having my dcs for anything but sometimes i would love a break

DickCrack Thu 10-Oct-13 09:24:51

Ds1 is 5 and a bit. Since he was born me and dp have been out together 7 times. We have no family support at all. It's shit. You'll get loads of people on here saying that it isn't your parents responsibility to help and you should expect nothing. I think these posts are written by people who don't have to arrange complicated child care to attend hospital appointments, parents evenings, to manage to do essential maintenance jobs round the house etc never mind go out for a few hours. Mine and dps relationship is all but finished, I'm sure the above has not helped.

ArtexMonkey Thu 10-Oct-13 09:30:22

Yanbu to be jealous.

Otoh, I have lots of help from my parents, they take my dcs overnight, for weekends, sometimes on holiday with them for a week at a time. I know I am very lucky. BUT I would have loved to have had a third - we just don't have the space or the money. I am really really sad that I will most likely never hold a newborn of my own in my arms again. So you can be jealous of me if I can be jealous of you, how's that?

Preciousbane Thu 10-Oct-13 09:30:26

My parents were far too old to babysit and lived 250 miles away. DH Dad moved abroad just as DS was born and MIL still works and lives 200 miles away.

I feel that pain, though MIL has had DS for about 4 weekends. To go out we had babysitting swaps with two lots of friends and I did have the DD of a Friend babysit. She went off to uni last year though.

I certainly think it is rude to expect regular weekly childcare but I hope I can babysit if I have GC for the odd weekend and evening out and also be back up if any GC were ill. I think that is a healthy approach to GP helping.

I feel your pain as well...we're to far from DH's parents and my parents would happily have her overnight but my Mum is terminally ill and needs a lot of care from my Dad so it's just not possible. However I've recently found a couple of friends with DD's who are the same age as mine so we've all helped each other out for a bit. One of them has even had DD overnight a couple of times. Funnily enough I met her through a parenting forum, maybe you could give it a go smile

I'm not saying just leave your child with just anyone, I got to know her well before we did anything like that! It must be hard with more than one as well, I can't imagine.

3asAbird Thu 10-Oct-13 09:39:35

Feel for you op as in similar boat know lots people who get help take for granted and loads at school do cheap/free child care allowing both parents to work and therefore have more money.

Hard to not feel down about it.

Agree with above kids are parents resposability.

Different now families live further apart.

but growing up both nans and 3aunts reguarly had me and sis for mum work, go out, parents splt so dad had us mum had so much social lfe and freedom.

fast foward to now we 50miles apart shes hour away.
she thinks grandparents who have kids all time are mugs.
raly sees kids babysits 2-3times a year if that and only has 2 last year went away for night took the youngest.

we did ask next year being 10year wedding anniversary would she have all 3weekend she said no then week later said she been chatting and she would dont know why its odd.

my dad would never have them
mil is 3mles away crazy and only sees 1 child at time for no longer than an hour.

we have couple frends who dont have kids who occasionally babysit in evening.

but most of time i go parents evening alone.

next week have to take 2 kids to gps with me.

had to take youngest to assemblys and church.

its hard hubby works lots hours.

then have freinds who have silly amount of support either whinging or bragging.

my biggest worry was labour last 2 were home births as dident know could get hospital in time luckly hubby was home both tmes but childcare posed a real worry.

I dont know anyone at eldests school would ask pick her up if weather bad , or younger ones were really ill, or I was late.

some days feel very tired and alone.

People underestimate couple time its vital just to have decent conversation and nice meal without kids is a rarity not that we can afford to go out even with babysitter last 2weedig anniversays been very cheap places.

shewhowines Thu 10-Oct-13 09:43:52

YANBU to feel envious. Yabu if you actually resented others having what you haven't. Not saying you feel like that though.

Good idea about reciprocal babysitting. My mil used to belong to a babysitting circle. That was quite common years ago. Can you set up something like that?

TheCrumpetQueen Thu 10-Oct-13 09:44:41

I have to practically beg my mother (young, fit 60year old) to watch my ds for an hour so me and my partner can go to counselling once a week sad

Rubbish isn't it.

NotYoMomma Thu 10-Oct-13 09:45:36

I wouldnt get orwant a week off buti know how utterly fortunate I am to have my parents look after dc 3 days a week for work. saves me a fortune as otherwise we would be in deep dodo

NotYoMomma Thu 10-Oct-13 09:46:30

I would love a babysitting circle shock what a good idea

DidoTheDodo Thu 10-Oct-13 09:54:07

I am a bit concerned at the expectation of some posters that grandparents will babysit. At all. Ever.
Actually, why should they? Not their kids, they've done their bit of child-raising.
And yes, they may want to help and babysit; equally they many not want to. Which is their prerogative.

MsVestibule Thu 10-Oct-13 09:56:39

notyo my parents belonged to a babysitting circle when we were children, it was great for them! OK, it meant we had random people babysitting for us, but we weren't bothered. Do you know enough people to set one up yourself? It's based on a like for like basis - Mum was given a small number of tokens to start with, and then 'earnef' more when she babysit for somebody. But I'm sure if you look on the internet, it will give you more modern ideas for running one!

We're lucky in that although my parents live 100 miles away, they happily look after them for a long weekend most years. Whenever we visit, they babysit while we go out for dinner etc. It really helps DH's and my relationship (grammar?!) to spend this time alone, out of the house, and I sympathise that your parents aren't as obliging.

I'd be annoyed if I was in your position. No, grandparents are not there to provide free childcare whenever they're wanted, but I can't imagine not helping my DCs out when/if they have their own children.

NotYoMomma Thu 10-Oct-13 09:58:57

I don't think anyone on this thread has said they had an expectation that gp would babysit confused hmm

they said thatthey feel envious of the ones who will and are able to

which is a fair enough statement. I can't imagine not relishing being able to help with future gc if I can/ am able/ allowed to

some people's idea of hell shrug

thebody Thu 10-Oct-13 10:00:31

er no not really.

me and dh choose to have 4 kids. our choice.

it was lovely for my parents and inlaws to babysit sometimes but I certainly didn't ask often and didn't expect.

they had 5 and 3 kids in their time and quite frankly had busy lives.

I will help my kids out with gc when the time comes but duck the idea of me and dh being some sort of regular childminding service. we has our kids young and our youngest is 13 now so we have lots if plans for OUR future.

as for the going away on holiday without the kids, it was never on our agenda to be honest, couldn't afford it and not interested.

thebody Thu 10-Oct-13 10:01:59

to add I would avoid babysitting circles like the plague!!

if going for a night out means leaving your kids with a strange adult you would be barking bloody mad.

Aeroaddict Thu 10-Oct-13 10:02:24

YANBU, but as someone up thread said, I would have loved another DC, but wasn't lucky enough to have one. I am however very lucky with family who love to help out. There is good and bad in every situation. I certainly plan on paying it forward if I am lucky enough to become a grandparent in the future!

DidoTheDodo Thu 10-Oct-13 10:04:19

I would have said calling someone a "selfish arse" because she doesn't want to babysit has a certain expectation to it?

Damnautocorrect Thu 10-Oct-13 10:05:27

I feel your pain, it is rubbish especially when people don't appreciate or realise how lucky they are.
On here a lot I see 'well get a baby sitter'. Genuinely for some there is no one

mrsjay Thu 10-Oct-13 10:08:53

I used to be curled up in a ball with envy at people with GP who babysat My auntie had her GC all the time it seemed and my mum hardly ever

my late MIL was great but she had conditions to babysitting which was fair enough we didnt go out that often anyway,

but I had to learn to let it go reluctantly and realise my mum was still young still working fulltime and her time off was precious but it would be nice if she offered to take them for the dinner after school or something, she never did though,
saying all that I will not be a built in babysitter for my children but will take them now and again I saw my aunt exhausted with her grandkids I can't see constantly having grandchildren is much fun. there must be a balance just my mum tipped the other way hmm

Norudeshitrequired Thu 10-Oct-13 10:10:10

I am envious of people who have involved grandparents. The type of grandparents who take the kids out for treat days, who bake with the grandchildren, who have the grandchildren sleepover.
I do get out with my OH but we pay for an agency babysitter (same one every time). So It isn't the not getting out with OH that bothers me, just the fact that my kids don't get to have much fun with the grandparents.

DeckSwabber Thu 10-Oct-13 10:10:45

I think in the long term it is good for the children to have an extended family of people who care about them, and good for the parents to get a bit of a break. YANBU to want that.

I hate it when family make a big thing of 'babysitting' as if they are doing you a massive favour, and never offer to spend time with the kids or try to get to know them. Its seems a shame - I want my nephews in my life forever and I love doing stuff with them that maybe are not their parents favourite thing or they don't have time for.

My mum was too far away for babysitting but the kids used to spend a week there in the summer and they loved it - meant I could get on with other stuff.

CMOTDibbler Thu 10-Oct-13 10:11:48

Dh and I pay for every moment ds isn't with us. I wish that someone in our family would help (dh and I babysat lots for his brothers children when they were little, had them to stay for the weekend etc). But they don't, the PIL aren't interested (ds is 12 years younger than the youngest of their 5 other gc), and my parents aren't capable in the least - in fact they have to have carers themselves.
But thats life I'm afraid

NoComet Thu 10-Oct-13 10:14:50

YANBU
Both DHs parents sadly died before DD2 was born and my parents aren't fit enough to baby sit. In any case both live/lived too far away to help. Both our DSIS remain near our parents so they can't really help either.

My DSIS had come and done over night babysitting a few times so we can do DHs works Christmas ball, but that's about it.

It's the price you pay for a beautiful rural childhood and a hi tec profession. You can never go home sad

mrsjay Thu 10-Oct-13 10:15:55

* So It isn't the not getting out with OH that bothers me, just the fact that my kids don't get to have much fun with the grandparents.*

^ ^ is what upset me I was more upset on the childrens behalf IYSwim, dd1 is useful to her nan now they she takes her shopping I do try and not let it bother me but sometimes that seething feeling rises again, It is what it is though my mum isn't a cruel person or doesn't like the dds just likes her own life and doing her own thing as I said before it would have been nice if she was a bit more involved

Milkjug Thu 10-Oct-13 10:16:07

We live in a different country to all four parents, who are elderly, in any case, and wouldn't be able for our lively toddler. We haven't been out together at night since he was born.

Living so far from them, we never expected any family babysitting help, so have never resented its absence - though moving to a house across from a family where FOUR grandparents show up at intervals every single day to mow the lawn, walk the dog, drop the children to and from school and after-school activities, do laundry, put out the bins etc etc has been a bit of an eye-opener.

Having said that, Mn has been an education in the fact that family help can sometimes have a very high price tag in terms of interference, different child-rearing ideas etc etc.

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