to feel like giving up uni as i am missing out ony babies

(32 Posts)

Have only been back a few weeks but the stress is starting to get to me already. I have so much to do all the time and feel like i am not making the most of what time i do have with them (they are 3 and 9 months) Dh helps out a bit around the house but not a lot. I just feel i am always cooking, cleaning or doing some 'important' thing which is not spending time with my children How do i make the most of the time we do have and how the hell do i calm down and stop feeling stressed, worried and anxious all the time? I am in my final year and feel like giving up but that would be such a waste wouldn't it!
I don't know... Things are hard at the moment. I should be thankful for what i have and stop moaning really. I just wish i could get a handle on my emotions, i feel very teary etc.

GobblersKnob Fri 04-Oct-13 06:14:23

You have my every sympathy and my 'babies' are five and nine, but I miss them and hate missing out, because for the 7 months of the year I am studying uni takes over completely.

I have just started my second year and personally I was quickly aware that something had to give last year and for me it was the house. The bathroom was clean, the kitchen was clean we were all fed and beyond that it was chaos, but it meant that I had time to do stuff with the kids and as a family for some of the weekend, instead of trying to catch up with the hoovering, dusting tidying.

My advice woud be to do the absolute bare minimum and concentrate on your course and your kids (as in having fun wih them) sod everything else, life is short, in five years you will not think, 'gosh, I wish I had kept the house better' you might well think 'gosh, I wash I hadn't'.

And as somebody else upthread said, remember you are doing this for your kids and what a brilliant and inspiring role model you are for them.

And if all else fails, well 'This too shall pass' smile

Good luck.

bellablot Fri 04-Oct-13 05:30:16

I hate to say this BUT your sounding like a victim, sorry, harsh I know. Stop blaming your DH and get your work done. It's hard, I've done it with two small kids. You need coping mechanisms and a ROUTINE.

I did the kids stuff all day (except when in uni for lectures etc and kids were in nursery) then bath/bed time, asleep for kids at the latest 7pm, then from 7.30pm till midnight uni work, no TV at all, NONE, NADA, trust me, the TV is the devil, a distraction you don't need, you will not miss it. Then up again at 6am.

It's hard but worth it. Stop whining and get on with it!!!!

Zower - Well I'm sorry but your post was also quite critical and 'vile' to someone who was asking for support. But that's all I'm going to say, not wanting to start a slanging match.
OP - you've been given some good advice here - Good luck ! also have you checked there are a lot of good facebook pages for student mothers.

AutumnMadness Thu 03-Oct-13 22:45:49

GypsyInMySoul, what is your DH's job that he can only help you out "a bit" with the housework when you are obviously at the end of your tether with stress? Unless he is unloading lorries by hand 16 hours a day or is working never-ending shifts on the oil rig, he should be doing most of it. I have a sneaking suspicion that he is pulling your leg over this. But of course trying to get through to him on top of what is already on your plate requires superhuman effort. So I suggest to just stop ironing his shirts, making his "manly" dinners (lets face it, big cooked dinners are mainly for men), doing his laundry and whatever else you do. If he asks why you did not do it, just smile and say that "you are doing what you can".

Sorry, these kind of topics piss me off for personal reasons.

zower Thu 03-Oct-13 22:17:27

i'm not going to respond to highly abusive posts, how nasty, really vile. so end of discussion from my point of view. (however, good luck to OP you sound like you are doing well as a caring mum, as long as you are young healthy with support i d think manageable).

SHarri13 Thu 03-Oct-13 22:00:45

I gave up my uni course for similar reasons but I was 9 months in and had a miscarriage and we really wanted another baby. It was a midwifery degree so there was a lot of full time shift work involved with no room to manoeuvre and studying/ exams and assignments to fit around work.

If I was in my final year I would have absolutely stayed and finished despite everything above. Take each month as it comes and look at it as one step closer to being qualified.

Your house can take a hit for a bit, it's only a year. As long as things are relatively clean and you're all fed then sod the rest. Make a plan to take the kids to a park or out somewhere so you are forced not to think about te house and stuff to do there, even if it's just for 40 mins. I know things are probably tough financially with you in uni but could you stretch to a cleaner to take the pressure off a bit?

Dilidali Thu 03-Oct-13 21:36:14

I had years of s**t end job coupled with infertility. I got accepted and fell pregnant. I had months of miscarriage looming above my head and the uni course kept me sane. Before that I really wanted to study, but I had parents telling me I don't need to, I am a girl, all I need is to get married and look after the house. In fact they forbade me. I could not afford the fees, so I worked. The world is not wonderful and fair. That's my excuse.

Earthworms Thu 03-Oct-13 21:31:56

Zower

Why the fuck wouldn't you?

We can't all instantly quit if we find ourselves upduffed. And as the clock ticks, sometimes we have to go through with both.

Dilidali Thu 03-Oct-13 21:26:56

*you

Dilidali Thu 03-Oct-13 21:26:14

Zower, when you come down from your high horse tou might want to think outside the box. We're not, obviously, stupid, nor are we gluttons for punishment. It's called circumstances. Sometimes they can't be helped.

zower Thu 03-Oct-13 21:10:19

why would anyone have babies and go to university at the same time?!!! completely incompatible. but i am sorry you have found yrself in this position OP, hopebyou fibd a way to deal eith

sashh Thu 03-Oct-13 18:29:26

What greenfolder said but remember to include in your time table

1) 10 mins per day to worry, worry as much as you want for 10mins. I find it helps to have a coffee at the same time.

2) The magic post it note. This is for a slot of time to your self or for you and your children. It lives in your diary, one per week. If you need to move it from your usual day so be it, but never move it more than a week (in which case you have 2 in one week).

You can do this, only a few months to go.

Dilidali Thu 03-Oct-13 07:08:07

Hi OP, I was in your position.
Don't give up, please! If you take a year out it is only going to loom over your head. Just get on with it. Put blinkers on, neglect the housework completely, put the kids and yourself to bed. Rise earlier than your household and do some studying. Send them all to the pool at the weekend. Be selfish, it's only for a maximum of 8 months, then you are done.

greenfolder Thu 03-Oct-13 06:56:30

My top tip- write out your week like a timetable, with uni time and time for kids as seperate colours. Be really disciplined about how long uni stuff will take. For example, an assignment might take 20 hours. When are those 20 hrs? How are they broken down? Getting uni stuff completed on time gives you extra time with kids. I also blocked out every other saturday and went to the uni library. Just knowing I had that block helped. I worked full time, had 2 smallish kids-not as little and did a mba, I didn't discover the above until year 3 when my new boss told me how he had got through. It made me feel in control and less stresses.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Thu 03-Oct-13 06:27:45

Op can you remember anything from when you was 3, this is a short term thing that will benefit your children in the long term

Gemsky1234 Thu 03-Oct-13 05:20:44

Hi op, just wanted to say stay positive and don't give up! I have just finished my final year in nursing, after having a baby between 2nd and 3rd year (already got dd1 6) and I won't lie it was the hardest yr of my life and my course are full years!! BUT it was the best thing I have done! And iv forgotten all about it cos im going back in january to do a pgdip and then masters!!

Let your standards slip on the housework / chores front, get your OH to throw in some washing so you all have clean clothes, order food shop so you can be playing with the kids rather than trawling supermarkets and most importantly just make the most of any time with the children and try to de-stress so it's enjoyable. You will get through it, it'll be
Xmas break before you know it and
After January I suspect you will have a few months left!!

Good luck and keep strong!

Hi OP, didn't want to read and run, I'm totally in the same position as you, but I'm almost finished ! I'm in final part, one more essay to do (just found out DH is going to be in Sydney working week my essay is due hmm).
But please don't give up ! I know what it is like with insomniac DC, and I have many times contemplated giving up in the past but so glad I didn't.
2 things I suggest in addition to other advice: Get your DH to take kids out for a couple of hours in the weekend, so you can get some work done. Also even if you are tired try and get some study done every day - even if it's just reading one page of course notes. In addition to ready meals and letting washing pile up too.
Good luck !

Thanks so much Ehhn . Your posts just madee cry partly because i have been up since 3.30 with my insomniac baby! But yes you are right just let hpusewprk slip and emjpy the little things and have more fun lile hide and seek etc. As xmasbaby11 said. Then get back to it when they are in bed...
its only a few months and they will be gone in no time. I need to be positive, try to stay sane (easier said than done) and even go as far as to try and enjoy my final year. Thanks for the pep talk i feel more positive now. Congrats pn your phd ehhn.

Ehhn Thu 03-Oct-13 00:24:48

Jelly beans, I take your point, and I would agree if op had just started 1st or 2nd year, but I think pushing through seven-eight months of final year is worth it as op could then go back to being sahp, but without wasting two and a bit years of uni by quitting. It would be possible to defer by one year, but i reckon when both kids are 4 nearly 5 and 18 months nearly two that that's when you can really start doing whole family activities and the kids start building memories that last forever. Having a degree also gives insurance against the worst case scenario - dp getting sick/made redundant/unable to work for some reason - op will have more choices in terms of work and thus is future-proofing her and her kids' lives. A bloody good plan op!

It's going to be tough op but totally worth it - and if it helps, commit yourself to being full time sahp when you finish final exams/coursework so you can look forward to it! (I've just handed in my phd so know how stressful the final few months can be - many tears, late nights and washing mountains occurred).

Xmasbaby11 Thu 03-Oct-13 00:04:28

I guess it's the same as being a working parent - you don't have as much time with your kids as SAHP does. I work full time and usually have about 2 hours a day with DD. Along with the routine of getting up / going to bed, I try to do things like -

music on, singing and dancing
hiding / chasing games
reading with cuddles

I find these all really lovely bonding activities which make us laugh together. They may only last 5 or so minutes but even getting ready in the mornings I think is so fun and precious time together as a family. You don't need to be doing special activities, just close attention to your DC.

We can't afford cleaner either and either do it in the evenings (don't know if you study then too) or take it in turns to take DD out at the weekend while the other one cleans. I also race round doing washing, washing up etc while we're having breakfast.

jellybeans Wed 02-Oct-13 23:18:37

I was in a similar position and gave up to stay home as missed DD too much and felt was missing out. Went back to OU study but love being home and so glad I quit as my priorities and life are so different now, can go back to study, job anytime etc etc . Just another perspective.

Thanks for the replies it is nice to have someone to talk to. I won't give up i just feel like i am constantly busy then childrens bath and bedtime comes and i feel as though i havn't done anything with them again. What sorts of things do you do to get quality time in with children? We all co sleep, i always do story and bath time. Goodness i wish i could afford a cleaner but unfortunately not. Dh says he does as much as he can and he does make the effort. I think it might be me to be honest...i juat have to pull my socks up and get on with irllt

Ehhn Wed 02-Oct-13 22:38:36

Uni years are not real years. You will be done by May, June at the worst. You are possibly/probably feeling nervous and stressed but perhaps rather than addressing your (understandable) final year nerves (apologies if I've misinterpreted this), you have redirected it towards, or are renaming it, "giving up for the kids". Sacrifice the housework! Give dp an ultimatum to help more, after which you get a cleaner in 3-4 hours per week - which he can pay for.

No child has ever given a damn about how tidy the house is or how well turned out they are. It won't matter if standards slip for 7-8 months until you finish.

Have confidence in yourself AND DO NOT QUIT AT THE FINAL HURDLE, EVEN IF THE HURDLE LOOKS A BIT LARGE!!! (I don't know how to bold...)

This could not be a better time to finish your degree - the kids won't remember at this age if you did a bit less colouring and walks - in another year or two they will.

dopeysheep Wed 02-Oct-13 22:34:15

He's not 'helping out' as if it is some massive favour. He lives there too they are his kids, don't let him stop you achieving your goals.
Put a rocket up him he should be supporting you.

deste Wed 02-Oct-13 22:30:43

The final year is always the worst but you should be so proud of yourself. Remember why you are doing this, it's for your babies. You probably only have about eight months left, take off two weeks at Christmas, two at Easter and its seven months. It will pass so quickly. Stop all the cooking, use ready meals a few times a week, don't be so hard on yourself. Just another seven months and your children won't even notice. The day you graduate will be wonderful.

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