To be fed up of my mum's constant whinging and moaning?

(68 Posts)
CiderBomb Mon 30-Sep-13 13:15:14

My mum has always had a tendency to nag, but I've noticed over the past couple of years she gotten worse, to the point that she literally never ever stops moaning and complaining.

I feel a bit mean saying this, but it's relentless and I find being around so bloody draining because she never seems to stop for air. I wouldn't even mind if she actually had something going on in her life to moan about but she doesn't. She is semi retired and only works three mornings a week, owns her home and is mortgage free, has several holidays a year (I'm not kidding, she is always on fucking holiday!) and is in pretty good health for her age but it's like it's not enough and she never bloody stops fucking whinging and I'm finding it so hard not to just tell her to STFU!

I'd be here all day if I posted everything she whinges about, but I can give a few examples. Her house is apparently a dump, but it's not and people are always complimenting her on it. My dad and brother don't help enough around the house, but I can cast some light on that. Whenever they do help out they do it wrong and it's not good enough ( no one can do it as well as her) and I once spent an afternoon listening to her whinge about how my dad had emptied the dishwasher and put things back in the wrong places. The can't win basically. She is always stressed apparently, and moaning that she "needs a holiday" but she has more than Judith Chalmers! Christ I've not been on holiday for four years because I can't afford it!

Now she has a cold and I know that I'm going to have to listen to her complain about terrible she feels, like she had the Black Death rather than a splutter. Honestly I know people with awful things going on in their lives (terminal illness, bereavement, financial hardship) and they don't ever moan like she does!

AIBU to just wished she'd shut the fuck up?!

JustinBsMum Thu 03-Oct-13 22:30:34

I know people like the OP's DM. Always on about the most sordid / violent/ depressing/ hopeless or even titillating stories in the news or gossip about other local people.

I don't know why they have to be so negative and depressing to be with.

Avoid, avoid.

Gerragrippe Thu 03-Oct-13 22:23:54

Not harsh at all.. This is AIBU not relationships and to quote OP " AIBU to wish she'd just shut the fuck up" . Charming!!

cuppachai Thu 03-Oct-13 21:50:11

Wow. That was a bit harsh. It's not that she 'hasn't got a good word to say about her' She's here because the bitterness and negativity has taken it's toll and she needed to vent. I completely sympathise, as do others, and it's not because we are all ungrateful and despicable. Relationships can be difficult and I'm sure cider began this post because she wants to make hers with her mother better.

Gerragrippe Thu 03-Oct-13 20:18:14

Also, where is your loyalty? This person has brought you into the world fed and cared for you throughout childhood and you haven't got a good word to say about her. Pay her some respect and be a bit more tolerant. Maybe she just finds you very irritating too.. Like mother like daughter perhaps.

Oh and YABVU and mean about your own mother so getagrip.

Gerragrippe Thu 03-Oct-13 20:04:08

Fine, have a whinge , cut her out of your life , whatever... What can anyone else do about it..you moan about her to us, she can moan about you to her friends . Happy families all round!

Akray Thu 03-Oct-13 14:15:40

YANBU. My mum has moaned my whole life, it is so draining. Unfortunately I could stand it no longer and now have no contact with her. Now she moans to whoever will listen about what a horrible daughter she hasgrin

Not suggesting you do the same OP but is like a weight has been lifted from me, not having to deal with her constant negativity. You can choose your friends...............

NoisyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 14:01:27

I don't have the answer but I have a mum like this too! She doesn't bitch about other people but she is SO negative about everything. She also takes on other people's worries, which only makes her worse. For example her elderly widowed neighbour is quite frail and mum frets about how the neighbour will cope with the upkeep of her house as she gets older (she has children who come to help her). In the next breath she worries about who will move in when the neighbour eventually sells up or dies in case they are not nice!

I think she's very unhappy with her lot in life (and marriage probably) but lacks the self confidence to take steps to change it. To be fair in recent years she has had two major health issues which would bring anyone down, but she was like it well before those issues arose.

I do think she has general anxiety (which I have also so I know it's not easy) but in every situation she leaps straight to the worst case scenario as her predicted outcome and it is truly draining to listen to. I try to offer her positive alternative suggestions but it mostly falls on deaf ears.

My sister still lives at home and DM's anxieties and negativity are rubbing off on her more with every passing year. It's like they feed off each other.

I've come to the conclusion that I can't change her so I just have to try and tune out the negativity or it stresses me out too. I think she'd really benefit from some professional counseling but I wouldn't know how to broach that.

FallingOffALog Thu 03-Oct-13 13:11:56

Woozlebear do we have the same mother? wink

friday16 Thu 03-Oct-13 13:03:48

However, it won't be long before they age and die

The OP says her mother is semi-retired, but works three mornings a week. She could easily be alive for another thirty years.

CoconutRing Thu 03-Oct-13 13:03:39

I'm with you OP. You just can't help people who don't want to be helped. I have a Great Aunt who loves to moan and seems to thrive on misery, death and misfortune. She has never been happy. She has a fantastic life IMO, but goes out of her way to find the misery and negative in everything. Everyone has a better home/husband/children. She lives in a listed property, has pots of money and a family who love her.

I just avoid contact with her, which is a shame.

CiderBomb Thu 03-Oct-13 12:44:07

Sorry I've been a bit late returning to this thread.

Gerragrip, you really have no idea what your going on about. I've tried to offer help and support, I've suggested she takes up hobbies or tries something new but she simply isn't interested and would rather sit around all day and night whinging and moaning about anything and everything instead. There's only so many times you can sit there listening to her whinge on and on about her friend has a bigger conservatory than her and how unfair that is before it seriously gets on your tits!

The thing is there's no reason why she should be feeling so " unfulfilled". She has enough free time to do a degree or take up a hobby, or volunteer and add a bit of meaning to her life. She has a dog and I've told her about the lovely walks in our area but no, not interested. There's only so much you can do with someone who doesn't want to help herself!

Gerragrippe Tue 01-Oct-13 23:09:16

Lol @ be very grateful you don't have someone like this in your life .

Lazysuzanne Tue 01-Oct-13 23:04:36

i guess if there's any kind of lesson in this thread it's live life to the full and sow wild oats lest you end up unfulfilled.

Now I'm just off to take the bull by the horns.... wink

VodIsGod Tue 01-Oct-13 22:48:16

Your posts have been a revelation! This is my mother to a tee! I think you may have a point about being unfulfilled (my mum says exactly the same thing about not being allowed to do Alevels and having to start work too). And I think you're right about their unhappy marriage. My parents are still together after 47 yrs but for at least half of that time has been full of arguments and talk of divorce confused

Interesting that the menopause was suggested as being a factor. She has definitely got worse in the last 20 yrs. I would go far as to say that my mum is depressed about getting older, she hasn't got serious health issues but the aches and pains and gripes that being close to 70 bring. The minor things are easier to moan about.

We have got to the stage where we seem to have an annual blow-up, when I can't stand the way she behaves towards my family and father and I'm sick of all the moaning and tell her honestly that I've had enough. But it doesn't solve anything. She's a bit better for a couple of months and then starts up again. hmm

We're 'celebrating' her 70th birthday next weekend and I'm dreading it. We'll get it wrong, she won't get the right presents, the theatre trip won't be as good as she hopes, wherever we eat will be problematic <sigh>

And then there's Christmas coming...

YANBU, it IS draining. I have no advice to offer but do sympathise.

Gerragrippe Tue 01-Oct-13 22:45:59

ithaka
You don't actually know I'm meaning to be helpful... I'm sticking up for all the ageing parents out there who have done their bit and now want to be bloody miserable.

I appreciate its difficult to put up with and annoying I really do, as well as puzzling.

However, it won't be long before they age and die and then they will not be here at all, so don't lose sight of that fact in the midst of this.
I had a mother who I couldn't help, despite my best efforts, she wanted to destroy herself and she's not here any more. That's not to say put up with anything, but try to put the problem into perspective and start some changes such as less phone calls (after all they tend to be major opportunities to moan ) and mentally separating what you can and can't control in your parents' lives.

ithaka Tue 01-Oct-13 22:30:20

Gerragrippe I know you mean to be helpful, but you obviously have no real experience of overwhelmingly negative people of the type we are discussing on this thread.

They don't their children to help or make more of an effort. They want to moan.

They are soul destroying in their negativity and it is deeply unfair to those around them. Be very grateful that you do not have someone like this in your life.

Gerragrippe Tue 01-Oct-13 22:18:27

Again, ask her what's wrong . A common thing at this age is finding out you are in an unhappy marriage which was perhaps masked when the children were around... But it may not be financially viable to go it alone so people can feel quite powerless and stuck. Also just every ing is a bit more of an effort when you get older. All you can do is try to help but when all is said and done, parents in this age group don't tend to ask their children for help they would prefer to ask their peers for fear of upsetting them and because they may not wish to share it.

Fairyliz Tue 01-Oct-13 22:06:55

Gerragrippe
Thats easy to say but the constant negativity wears you down, I know because my mum is just the same. Its such a shame because I want to spend time with her doing nice things, instead all she wants to do is moan. It makes me not want to visit.

Gerragrippe Tue 01-Oct-13 21:45:26

I agree, but also it's not very kind to judge our parents unless they have been heartless abusive or cruel etc..after all they ( we) have done so much for them that is probably forgotten about as they become adults that we should deserve some respect kindness and understanding...not to say no one can find fault but surely one can accept a few faults from ones parents?

Lazysuzanne Tue 01-Oct-13 20:46:38

I wouldnt like to think of my children feeling depressed by me..I want them to transcend me, not be dragged down by me, I dont feel they should have to absorb negativity from me.

Then again my kids are early 20's, maybe I'll feel differently and want to lean on them when we're all older?

Gerragrippe Tue 01-Oct-13 20:29:05

That's true Lazy... I feel sorry for her but I can't seem to explain why. OP she's your mum, have a heart.

Lazysuzanne Tue 01-Oct-13 10:58:55

Those with unfulfilled mothers, perhaps they can't help feeling a little, well not exactly resentful, but it can make you feel a bit sad when you see your own children doing well and although you're pleased for them you feel a failure by comparison?

CiderBomb Tue 01-Oct-13 09:38:07

I think she may be feeling a little unfulfilled. She had a good job when she first got married, but gave it up when she had us kids which was the norm for most women in those days (early 80's). She then worked in the evenings stacking shelves in a supermarket for years until she went back to work full time when we were teenagers.

Does life ever turn out the way we hoped it would though?

MistressDeeCee Mon 30-Sep-13 23:36:48

Your mum sounds unhappy and depressed. Maybe she feels unfulfilled, or maybe she's looking back over the years with regrets, feeling she could have done more with life, etc. I dont know what you can do if she just wants to wallow. Its quite sad, really. Maybe somebody else can speak to her. I know my mum went through a phase I couldnt seem to get through to her how her negativity was draining both for her, and others. My brother got through by foghorning her about how wasteful draining and boring her negativity was. I hope your mother does seek help from her GP, and can start to take up activities that will lift her spirit. Theres so much available for the elderly to do here, it would be a shame if she sat and let the rest of her life pass her by..

cuppachai Mon 30-Sep-13 23:06:38

Sorry to hear that polly. I feel frightened that something similar will happen with us. Our relationship is becoming increasingly strained.

cider They do sound very similar. I've also tried to encourage things such as Open Uni, part time jobs, all kinds of other things that would really be excellent for her. She is incredibly intelligent and there is so much she could do to occupy her time but she knocks back every suggestion.

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