AIBU to be royally pissed off with MIL?

(32 Posts)
LittlePeaPod Mon 23-Sep-13 02:59:53

DF and I get married today grin. Yeeeaaaaaa, very excited and been up since 4am. We are getting married abroad, just the two of us and our intention is to have a big party and blessing for family and friends after our DD is born in January. Family and friends have been fully aware of this from the start. Although we both understand our respective families (particularly mothers) are disappointed not to get the big white wedding. But on the whole everyone has been supportive.

No one had seen my dress. On the day we traveled I knew MIL was really upset and tearful about not been at the wedding. So I thought it would be nice to show my dress and some pictures of the bouquet etc, because she had been asking about it. She came round in the morning, asked if I could wear her necklace which she wore at her wedding so she could be here in spirit and I was honoured to do so. I then put the dress on for her and she took a couple of pictures under the full understanding no one was to see the pictures because I wanted DF to see the dress first to have on the day and show FIL only.

Well, I found out yesterday that MIL has been going round showing all and sundry the pictures of me in my dress. AIBU to be really pissed off? She knew I didn't want anyone to see the dress before DF and I got married and shared our wedding photos ourselves. I am so angry about it and I feel I don't want to see her for a while when we get back. Not not until I have calmed down.

Please can you tell me, AIBU and is this irrational pregnancy rage? Would you be pissed off?

humblebumble Mon 23-Sep-13 03:16:44

YANBU

However, please try and see it as pure excitement on her part. When I got married to DH and we told MIL that we were very very early pregnant we asked her not to tell anyone. She could not contain herself and she managed to tell everyone she knew (granted it was not anyone we particularly knew). It was her first grandchild. She was so excited. She didn't know at the time that we had miscarried at 7 weeks couple of months before and that the pregnancy was very sensitive. We just smiled at just put a brave face on it.

I would say it (with out knowing her) that it isn't malicious, it is just pure excitement about her son and you getting married. I suspect she feels she has "rights" over her son's wedding as well... but I would just let it go ...

nameuschangeus Mon 23-Sep-13 03:20:50

I can see why you're cross but truthfully in the grand scale of things I'd let it go. You're married - congratulations by the way! - that's the main, lovely and happy, thing here. She's sorry not to have been there, and proud, and honoured you've confided in her.

In a few months she'll be your child's grandma. For the sake of family harmony I'd let it go but just see it as a lesson learned that she's not a reliable person with a secret. No point in getting yourself upset now as it's done.

Good luck with the baby and the new hubby. Enjoy!

she's not going to be at her child's wedding

she's not going to be at her child's wedding

sorry for double post but cut her some slack

LittlePeaPod Mon 23-Sep-13 08:14:57

Thank you ladies. I know its nothing in the grand scheme of things but I am so annoyed not to the point of hating her or anything so dramatic. Part of the reason we decided to get married abroad was very much to do with my MIL and my mum starting to take over inviting people to the wedding without our knowdlege or agreement hmm before we had even agreed a date. I love them both but they wind me up rotten sometimes. And they are so competitive with each other it's like dealing with a pair of kids sometimes.

Daiso Mon 23-Sep-13 08:27:27

YANBU as I'd be annoyed too. Rightly or wrongly, most brides feel their dress is private until the big day and whilst it may not be an issue to some, it would be to others. I thought it was wedding etiquette (if that's the right word) that the dress isn't seen until the bride walks down the aisle etc? She's obviously excited but I think you are within your rights to be a bit pissed off. Congratulations by the way!!

DoJo Mon 23-Sep-13 09:02:41

It's a shame - you made a concession to make her feel like she was included and she specifically went against your wishes. I think that putting it to one side for now is probably best, but remember for the future that she cannot be relied upon to keep things to herself. And congratulations!

RaspberryRuffle Mon 23-Sep-13 16:39:36

YANBU.
Your MIL and Mother may be disappointed about there not being a white wedding, but they had THEIR chance and now it's the turn of you and your DH (congratulations).
I wouldn't fall out with her permanently about it but I would absolutely let her know how disappointed you were to find that she can't keep something special to herself and tell her you won't be able to trust her in future to keep anything quiet (you won't, if you tell her in future e.g. pregnancy or other exciting news and she lets it slip then you'll be kicking yourself that it happened again) . Does she know you're PG now?

EllesAngel Mon 23-Sep-13 16:56:48

YANBU At least you now know not to tell her anything in confidence in the future.

EuphemiaLennox Mon 23-Sep-13 17:05:35

Ah it's annoying but let it go.

She's excited, happy and wanting to share and talk about you and the wedding and she went too far.

Honestly it's much better than having her bitter, angry, disinterested or many other scenarios.

Annoying over enthusiasm can be tolerated.

It's just a few snaps, everyone will still be so excited to see the actual photos, and MIL will be hoiking those around everyone she knows with the glance of the snaps they had long forgotten, as they ooh and ahh and talk about the party.

Honestly, roll your eyes, breath deeply and enjoy your day, just the two of you.

Congratulations!!

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 23-Sep-13 17:06:56

YANBU

You have learnt something important about this woman and how much you can trust her.

NotYoMomma Mon 23-Sep-13 17:11:48

well its not like she showed df is it?

I don't see why you are bothered with this tradition when you aren't about others

getting married abroad with only yourselves and excluding your own parents is a bit non traditional in itself

SeraphinaSparklePants Mon 23-Sep-13 17:18:47

I'd be a bit annoyed, but on the plus side, she must think you look absolutely gorgeous and be very proud of you to be so keen to show your picture around.
As other posters have already said, just be careful what you share in future.
Congratulations.

EuphemiaLennox Mon 23-Sep-13 17:21:03

She probably thought it was just really important your DF didn't see the photos, even if yu think you made this clear people often only hear or interpret what makes sense to them.

Let it go...family are important and worth tolerating if they're well meaning but annoying and only worth the heartache of grudges, rows and disengagement if they're really toxic.

She sounds like she cares about you but gets stuff wrong.

You'll actually be happier if you can let it go.

Pennyacrossthehall Mon 23-Sep-13 17:23:48

EllesAngel YANBU At least you now know not to tell her anything in confidence in the future.

That's the important learning point from this incident.

I'm more shock at the fact that you are on mumsnet on your wedding day, grin, I thought I was bad!
I suppose it depends on what your usual relationship with her is like, I would be furious, but that's mainly down to past experience and knowing that it would be carefully thought through and planned to upset me. If she's normally lovely then put it down to excitement and don't let it ruin your day/ future relationship with her.

LittlePeaPod Tue 24-Sep-13 01:53:38

Hi ladies,

Thank you for all your comments. I will take note of the lesson "never tell MIL anything I don't want people to know before I tell them mysel". Thinking bad I should know this already because as soon as we told her about been pregnant with our DD (due 2nd January 2014) she was off telling all her friends neighbours and pretty much anyone that would listen... This was after she promised not to say anything because we wanted to wait to tell people after the 12 week point. angry confused hmm

Lesson definetly learnt this time. grin.

Anyway, DH eeek and I had the most amazing day. Thank you again ladies.

Hawkmoth Tue 24-Sep-13 01:57:22

Congratulations x

EllesAngel Tue 24-Sep-13 02:23:41

Congratulations flowers

Sinful1 Tue 24-Sep-13 02:55:46

I read DF as dear father, that made that post sooooo wrong grin

LittlePeaPod Tue 24-Sep-13 03:02:51

Sinful. grin ha ha ha ha ha....

Thanks for the congratulations ladies...

StupidFlanders Tue 24-Sep-13 04:06:22

Congratulations- I'd let this one go!

CuriosityCola Tue 24-Sep-13 05:16:07

Congratulations. ��

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