To consider marrying this man for his money?

(148 Posts)
PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 20:05:36

Evening MN,

I've obviously namechanged and I'll try to keep this concise.

Basically, In my culture all girls generally used to have arranged marriages, in the past 60 years or so though, finding your own mate has become more and more common. (Not forced marriage, btw but arranged as in the woman's parents arrange introductions to a series of 'suitable' vetted men and she marries the one she is most compatible with.)

Marriage has not been a priority for me so far as I've been focusing more on university and my career, but I'm 24 now and I feel it's time to move on with the next stage of my life.

My parents didn't introduce this man to me, he came to them and asked for my hand in marriage saying that he had heard of me through my work in the community and with various charities, that he had seen me and thought I had the qualities he wanted in a wife and would they allow him to speak with me etc. He was quite persistent and eventually
my parent's told me about him and would I be interested in speaking with him. I was intrigued, said sure and they gave him my number.

He called me on Friday and introduced himself, we spoke for a while, then he asked if we could have dinner. He seemed nice enough and my parents liked him so I agreed, we met up last night and he was lovely- mid 30s, 6'2 , reserved, kind & attractive in a bookish scholar way. He wouldn't talk about his work though, when I asked him what he did for a living he said he was in the medical technology industry but that all he had talked about for the past month was work and he wanted to talk about something different, fair enough. The rest of the evening went well and we made plans to meet again on Tuesday.

I googled him when I came home (as you do) because I had his full name then and found out that his net worth is in the hundreds of millions! I don't want this to be identifiable but I'll say that people in the medical technology industry will have heard of him for sure. He apparently invented some piece of technology, patented it then started his own company at a very young age. He neglected to mention this to either me or my parents and in a small way I feel a bit deceived - when was he going to mention that to me?

I'm feeling conflicted now, I would have seen him again, even if he was just an technician or engineer or whatever because he was a gentleman but the fact that he is rich & driven has swayed me a lot in his favor. Is that insincere? I have read up on him as there are features on him, and his lifestyle is freaking amazing tbh (and I want to be part of that blush blush)

Will he think I googled him if I act differently in spite of myself, the next time I see him? Is it wrong for me to decide to marry someone because they are rich?

(I have ideas for a business that I'd like to set up and charities that I'd like to open and all that would be possible if I married this man, if that makes any difference.)

springybuffy Sun 29-Sep-13 00:54:09

Sorry, posting before I've read the whole thread (read about half but my bed beckons)

this sounds weird to a western culture, but it isn't weird in yours. However..

He told your parents he worked for X company (not that he owned it): why couldn't he have told you the same thing? Perhaps he doth protest too much to be deliberately coy but giving you enough info that you would of course go ahead and research him. Of course you would.

If marriage in your culture is a 'business deal' then you could tell him you know he's worth a mint, and what would that mean in the working out in your marriage? eg what access would you have to funds, how would you both divide it up etc. Find out if you're going to be an equal partner in the marriage (which would be a very western idea - I don't know precisely how it would go in your culture re finances).

How can you not be seriously swayed by this new info. It's not possible to not be seriously dazzled by money of that magnitude. I really think people who are saying 'just forget the money' are being unrealistic. Of course you can't forget the money!

I am more concerned that you already feel like a country bumpkin. His persistence, nay confidence, in pursuing you is precisely the kind of confidence that successful people have: they know what they want. That persistence, mixed with a middle eastern culture, could end up not being a blessing for you, a woman. You're not at that point of knowing what you want, you're young (untried and untested), whereas he is tried, tested and successful - he has walked a road you have not walked and it has become an established part of him. There could be an imbalance of power, an element of teacher/student, parent/child about your relationship, certainly initially - particularly if you already feel like an oik. He'd have to be a very special guy to have the skills to teach you the ropes respectfully.

You've never had money, please don't underestimate this: it takes a long time to understand money when you've never really had it. Money brings with it a huge tranche of problems that plain don't exist in 'normal' life (as if normal life isn't hard enough..). You may be dazzled by the money - who wouldn't be - but it's not necessarily all it's cracked up to be.

though of course sometimes it is! I'd get to know him a LOT more before deciding what to do. Very rich men can be a handful, frankly.

superstarheartbreaker Sat 28-Sep-13 23:41:06

Yanbu. .I would. But then I would think a rich man had worked hard! Xx

Why didn't you or your parents google him before you went out with him? Surely that would be quite a normal thing to do.

my2centsis Sat 28-Sep-13 22:22:20

Have you seen him again yet op?

coraltoes Sat 28-Sep-13 17:32:27

Keep dating him, live the champagne lifestyle for a while, see if you love him, then worry about marriage. Enjoy!

LaQueenForADay Sat 28-Sep-13 17:22:32

"Better a dinner of herbs, where love is...then a feast with all, but no love therein..."

Just saying.

DH and I met at university, when we were penniless students with nothing. He told me he loved me, and would be marrying me, by the end of our first weekend together. I laughed at him (but secretly knew it was meant to be) smile

Before he'd even graduated, he'd set up his first company and was very successful for the next 8-9 years. We lived a fantastic lifestyle.

Then it all went Pete Tong, and we lost nearly everything. DH had to start from scratch, and drag himself back up by his boot-straps. We ate a lot of beans on toast for a couple of years and rented a tiny 2 bed house. It was so hard.

I think when you are genuinely in love you can face most things together, and it only makes you stronger. Even in the hardest of days, I would still rather have eaten beans on toast with DH, then eaten at The Ivy with any millionaire.

When you are truly loved, and you truly love in return then you are always rich, and that strength of emotion can never be bought.

LillyGoLightly Sat 28-Sep-13 16:31:56

Have to be honest here sorry,

I think it is lovely that you have met a man that you like and who seems to like you. What a nice surprise for you to also find out that he is well off.

I think it's great that you liked him before you knew his worth, but it does seem you like him much more because of his finances. Not I problem I understand that, what I find is really bothering me is that you are already in a fantasy about what he and his money can do for you. Your effectively already spending it before you have even discussed the fact that you know about his worth and financial situation with him!!

I know its easy to giggly and girly at the prospect of a fantastic lifestyle and financial security, but I wouldn't let that cloud your judgement of what this marriage could be.

As fantastic as wealth is I prefer to have me emotional needs met over my financial ones and the only way in which I want 'providing for' is in kindness, love and companionship.

I know this sounds very preachy but I have had the fortune/misfortune to meet a few wealthy men who were interested in a relationship marriage with me. Each time I thought to myself how lovely it would be to have no monies worries and a wardrobe full of wonderful clothes/shoes, exotic holidays etc, but each time I came back to the fact that I would be more miserable with all that stuff than I ever would be without it because I would not be in love with the person providing me that lifestyle and so I couldn't bring myself to do anything but politely tell them I wasn't interested (damn!!).....oh well

Choos123 Fri 27-Sep-13 18:04:53

He knows you googled him. If he doesn't, he's some sort of mug. You need to think about if you're on the same page about when you have children too, especially at the point you're at in your career. I'd tell him you were curious, if you can't be yourself with him the money's irrelevant.

youretoastmildred Fri 27-Sep-13 17:25:52

I don't think the prenup matters either.

- either you live happily ever after together, so so what
- or he supports your career, you separate, and you are no worse off than you would have been pursuing your career on your own (having lived at some very posh addresses for a while)
- or he doesn't support your career, or you take time out to have children, and then separate, and then prenup or no prenup there will have to be a settlement that recognises your loss of earnings while looking after him and any children

nicename Fri 27-Sep-13 17:21:12

Nothing at all wrong with a prenup...

The OP asks if she should marry him for his money. Just consider if you would walk away with nothing from a marriage - either if you were unhappy or a few years down the line he played away.

I'm sure some s'leb spouses do consider the fact that if a marriage doesn't work out, hey-ho they will walk away with a few million to keep them going.

Bonsoir Fri 27-Sep-13 15:54:28

"What if he insists on a prenup"

What is wrong with that?!

nicename Fri 27-Sep-13 11:46:54

There's a difference between being worth loads and actually having loads! You can be a millionaire on paper but not have a lot in the bank.

You can lose a fortune overnight. A company can go bust, get sued or the owner ousted by an aggresive take over/buy out.

Forget the money. What if he insists on a prenup and turns out to be a complete bastard? Someone who likes beating up women, having girlfriends on the side, takes drunks, refuses to spend a penny... How big a bank balance would he need to have to tip the scales there?

The happiest and most secure 'wealthy' marriages I have seen are where the couple meet when still young/skint and grow together - either building a business or one suppprts the other in their career/business. It seems more 'equal' in some way.

I see a lot of 'older men, upgrade wife, young kids' combos around here. Women go lycra-crazy as soon as they get their first wrinkle or grey hair. They can't be feeling very secure... Money does not equal security!

Forget the money for the time being. See the man first. Has he been married before?

ZZZenagain Fri 27-Sep-13 11:40:48

so he thinks you have the qualities he wants in a wife - find out what these are.

AndHarry Fri 27-Sep-13 11:32:41

Or what PiratePanda said.

AndHarry Fri 27-Sep-13 11:26:42

I think there's a big difference between marrying someone for money and doing what the OP has done, which is meet a guy, really like him, find out he has mega-riches and think 'oooo how nice' as an added bonus. Marrying for money is not giving a rat's fart about the actual man, just about the lifestyle his money would give you.

PiratePanda Fri 27-Sep-13 11:20:52

Look, you liked him anyway before finding out about the money. I would certainly see him again - but take it slowly and a bit cautiously. You DON'T want to marry, for example, an abusive arsehole for his money. A wealthy man with a good character is a whole other ball game.

And I think it's actually promising that he didn't tell you about his wealth so you could make up your mind whether or not you liked him for himself. Not shady at all.

In other words, the money is kind of irrelevant, icing on the cake. If you would marry him without the money, then you can go ahead with a good conscience.

ohmymimi Fri 27-Sep-13 11:18:58

It isn't a fairy tale, it's RL.

Bonsoir Fri 27-Sep-13 11:15:13

It sounds like a fairy tale! Go for it!

MyBaby1day Fri 27-Sep-13 11:12:13

YABU (in a way), only marry him if you love him. Would you marry him if he was poor, I know at the moment I adore a man who is poor and would marry him in a heartbeat if only he wanted me so think. If the answer is yes then go ahead and marry him but NOT just for the money.

How did the second date go?

ZutAlorsDidier Thu 26-Sep-13 15:51:33

I can't see why the money is a complication. You are at ease with the notion of an arranged marriage, your first impressions are good. At this stage surely a bombshell would be that he is bankrupt, or already married - not that he is financially secure (but secure x a million)?

What would you normally do at this stage? Invite him to dinner at your parents' or something? Do that. Do whatever it is normal to do to find out what you need to know: is he kind, does he have a sense of humour, does he smell nice, will he support your career, can he sing, etc. Or whatever matters to you.

bragmatic Thu 26-Sep-13 14:50:07

If you marry a man for money you'll earn every penny.

EldritchCleavage Thu 26-Sep-13 13:57:09

Try and ignore the money and take things back a step. The good news is, there is enough money for you to have security if you do marry him.

He could be richer than the Saudi king and you could still end up miserable. You don't want that and presumably neither does he. So what do you need to know to satisfy yourself that you've got similar or compatible values, philosophy and outlook that will give you the best chance of making it work?

My friend had an arranged marriage. They were compatible left to themselves, but their problem was his family (genuinely awful parents, I actually run and hide from them if they pop up) and disagreements about how to deal with that have taken years to resolve and still flare up occasionally.

This is the kind of thing you need to be thinking about now, not whether if you married him he'd give you the money to do x, y or z.

78bunion Thu 26-Sep-13 11:42:09

Check he really is that person. There is quite a bit of deception goes on with arranged marriages, people pretending to have MBAs or not disclosing they have disabilities because they are a result of a first cousin marriage or not being the caste they say. You need to check it out.

Secondly, he might want a pre nup so you get very little on divorce or if Muslim some kind of marriage contract nikah? who means you don't get much. Also would be be happy for you to carry on working full time when babies come? Would he consider being your househusband? Is he feminist enough?

Big age gaps do not tend to work too well.
Make sure you do company searches and get the accounts of his companies too,. Check the ownership. Sometimes you believe the person owns the shares but in fact his mother owns 98% and the son doesn't own much so on divorce you get very little. Another issue can be if the rights are registered for the patent is registered not in his name but another family members - do a search of the patent once you have the number to see if his company owns it and the name of the inventor and if he owns the shares in that company.

Branleuse Thu 26-Sep-13 11:36:05

dont marry him for his money. Try and imagine him not having any money and whether he seems like he would make a good husband and has the qualities you would enjoy as a partnership.
There is nothing wrong with trying to find out more about him, and googling him. that was sensible. Dont beat yourself up about it. The fact that youre worried about it, is because youre nice and arent as materialistic as some, who wouldnt even give it a second thought except delight at the thought of money.

Try and concentrate on his other qualities. of course money will be more comfortable than no money, but youre a working person in your own right, and you were considering finding a husband in this way anyway.
I would go on another date. Hes obviously liked you for a long time. You liked him before you even knew about the money, so it was already positive to begin with x

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