To be really shaken up by this driver

(93 Posts)
filee777 Fri 20-Sep-13 10:21:57

Who cut me up on a roundabout and then insulted me and my weight and my looks and called me a bitch and a slag?

It's really hurt me. Mostly, probably because all of it rang true.

Have some flowers you deserve them because you're not worthless, you lost a few stone last year and that's a fantastic achievement.

I'm not surprised the twat driver made you feel bad, it sounds the same as the vile comments of your H.

HitTheNorth Fri 20-Sep-13 11:19:18

Pendeen it's probably less sexism, more stereotyping based on long experience imo.

fluffyraggies Fri 20-Sep-13 11:21:04

Oh filee sad thanks

I came on to say i was followed by a bloke (me in a car, him in his car), after a very minor altercation at a mini roundabout, 5 minutes earlier, all the way into tesco's car park so that he could park next to me, leap out of his car, and start shouting and swearing at me . I had my 14 yo DD with me at the time and felt intimidated by him. I stayed perfectly calm though, getting my bags out of the boot, which enraged the twat further, and soon several shoppers had come over to see if i was ok and to tell him to piss off and leave me alone blushgrin I was going to ask; could i/should i have called the police then?

But OP your self esteem is more important here, i really think you should listen carefully to the good advice posters are giving you re: getting back your sense of self worth. You are worth it. You sound lovely (hug)

filee777 Fri 20-Sep-13 12:29:12

It was a bloke.

I have had two major relationships in my life, the first with a guy who wouldn't kiss me in public and made a point of not kissing me or looking at me during sex and this one, with my husband. My brother told me my whole childhood that I was ugly and would never be loved

Well I am ugly but at least I have love!

I have a lovely family and most of the time I am okay. But yes, if I glance in the mirror or hear people like that guy or see people laugh at me I know.

To imagine I could find someone who would find me attractive is a dream but that is all it is. I have always been the 'ugly one'. I remember a friends mum telling me that I would never be beautiful like the other girls
I hung out with but at least I was myself.

I think her comment and the comment about my husband and his friends laughing at me were the two that tipped me over the edge and I have steadily put on weight since.

Now I am very fat and very ugly and it's easier I think. At least I can tell myself I can control my weight and that's why people are disgusted by me.

HitTheNorth Fri 20-Sep-13 12:31:44

You seem to have been very unlucky to meet some very unpleasant people. Any comments they make are about themselves, not about you. Your husband in particular doesn't sound like a nice man at all.

Goldenbear Fri 20-Sep-13 13:35:27

You have to see it for what it is, a thick person, probably articulating whatever insults come to mind. It is not about YOU, it is what he perceived you to do to him and he's just getting his revenge.

Cluffyflump Fri 20-Sep-13 14:16:41

Could you ever envisage saying to someone, those things your friends mum or your dh said to you?
I know I can't.
Anyone with even half a brain cell would know how hurtful it is.
It says a dam sight more about them than it does about you!

From what you've said, when you met your dh, you were flirty. I take that to mean that you were outgoing and fun. Able to chat and have a giggle with people in a social situation.
What happened? You sound like you've had the stuffing knocked out of you sad
You need to go to your gp and ask for help and get back to being yourself.
thanks

Delilahlilah Fri 20-Sep-13 14:25:54

Oh OP, you need some serious help. You have had great misfortune to have encountered people like this. My brother is also a shit head on occasion, and makes remarks about my weight that devastate me. Maybe this is why he is still single in his 30's and living with our mum... if he is equally tactless / nasty to his girlfriend's. I have learnt to ignore him, but couldn't ignore comments in the same vein from DH. He is not bring nice to you. We cannot see you, but I can tell you this - how you look is not important, how you feel is. You will probably find that if you are happy, you will lose weight as a side effect.

fluffyraggies Fri 20-Sep-13 14:45:10

Fillee i think everyone elses 'ugly' issue has become self fulfilling for you. I see what hit, above, is trying to say, but i think the rot set in at the first comment, and the rest is a symptom of your low self esteem. ie: you have allowed yourself to be surrounded by people who make shit comments, and you have come to accept the shit comments as being ok and true. You were being set up fr failure.

You say a friends mum made that remark about you and the 'other girls'. if your self esteem was fragile already, then it would have taken serious damage straight away.

Then: My brother told me my whole childhood that I was ugly and would never be loved.

So: a guy who wouldn't kiss me in public and made a point of not kissing me or looking at me during sex is seen as a reasonable situation by you sad

Followed by: husband told me that him and his mates used to laugh at me for being a bit flirty because I was clearly the ugly one in the group.

No, no, no. Our brains have a nasty habit of clinging to what we know best OP. If you spend your life surrounded by people telling you you are lovely then you think you are lovely, and will shun anyone bringing you down. Sadly the reverse is also true. You've been told your are ugly all your life, bless you.

fluffyraggies Fri 20-Sep-13 14:47:03

It's not your fault that you are so ready to agree with them - it's been drummed into you, but you have to see you are worth so much more than this.

edam Fri 20-Sep-13 23:42:26

Please listen to fluffy, she's dead right.

Shapechanger Fri 20-Sep-13 23:51:59

No one is 'ugly'; everyone has their own beauty, is unique, has a face that is interesting.

It's not sexist to assume that this was a man I don't think, I've been cut up by drivers and abused and I'm afraid nine times out of ten it's been a man. People who assume this is a man are just as likely to be basing this on experience as being negative about men in general and let's face it lots of 'normal' men turn into monsters when they get behind the wheel of a car

It's really disturbing that you are so grateful to your husband though. What do you mean he 'allowed' you to have children? Another way to look at it - you gave him children and he's fucking lucky.

RhondaJean Fri 20-Sep-13 23:56:45

Fucking hell Filee you post some stuff on here that worries me but this is the worst.

Sorry if that doesn't sound the way I meant it.

Can you talk to us and tell us your husbands good points? Does he look after you, make you feel special, make your life better?

If I found out any of my friends partners had spoken to them like this I would tear him a new one. Some random idiot driver honestly isn't worth worrying about. The person who is supposed to share your life however...

filee777 Sat 21-Sep-13 08:23:33

He is very kind, great with the kids, nice to me around my mental health issues, well housetrained. Cleans, cooks (everything but laundry which he is allergic too) he has tried repeatedly to apologise for stupid things he has said like I am not traditionally beautiful and I will never really be beautiful but he likes my mind. We get on great, lots of humour. We like the same films/music etc

I've been with him eight years, I'm 29 so nearly all my adult life. I couldn't imagine life without him.

NellysKnickers Sat 21-Sep-13 09:24:09

OP, so what if you aren't beautiful, I bet you are to someone though, everyone's idea of beautiful is different. As for the driver, forget him, I didn't drive for 5 years because of a cunt like him. Your husband, well, he probably just doesn't think before he speaks. You sound lovely, please don't let twattish comments get you down, you've been given some fab advice on here, please take it.

RhondaJean Sat 21-Sep-13 09:33:06

I don't quite know what to say. I don't know if he's just a thoughtless twat with foot in mouth disease ( forgive able) or an insecure controlling arsehole who puts you down to keep you where he wants you ( not forgive able in the least).

Either way he is hurting you and people you love shouldn't hurt you. I hate the fact he's picking on something you are insecure about already and something you cannot change - we may not all be beautiful by contemporary ideals, in fact we can't be, but we should all be beautiful to one person and they should make us feel like we are.

MikeOxard Sat 21-Sep-13 10:01:30

Oh my goodness, this thread is so shocking. That shithead had no right to call you those things, you seem like a lovely person who has been very damaged by other, not very lovely people. sad

As for your dh - I can't believe you seem grateful to him for being with you despite your looks! shock

He's not with you out of charity, that's not him sacrificing something - he loves you, he's in it for himself as much as for you. Also he's clearly a massive tool who needs to think before he speaks. Stop being grateful for him just living his life.

And don't get me started on 'allowing' you to have children - out of the two of you, you're the one who conceived, carried and grew the babies, and gave birth to them. YOU gave HIM the children, through great personal (and possibly financial/professional) sacrifice, not the other way round. If there is room for any gratitude in the relationship, then it's here - but it's going in the wrong direction!

filee777 Sat 21-Sep-13 10:31:33

He is definitely the 'open mouth insert foot' type but you can't unhear things, which I struggle with to be honest.

He would have found another girlfriend but I would never have met another man and I know that. Lots of people made that very clear throughout my life.

SelectAUserName Sat 21-Sep-13 10:46:14

Oh sweetheart, that's just so wrong. Listen to fluffy and please, please seek help to combat your low self-esteem. You should be with someone who treats you like the special, lovely person you are.

I'm not a physically attractive woman by society's standards but my DH treats me like I'm every beautiful film star rolled into one, and regularly calls me "gorgeous". That's what should happen in a loving relationship.

It sounds to me like your 'D'H has his own self-interest at heart, and plays on your vulnerabilities because he fears ending up alone, as he no doubt would if you were able to appreciate that you're worth more than this, that there are lovely people out there who can see past society's norms of physical appearance and that actually, having no relationship is better than one based on one person manipulating the other to think no one else will ever find them attractive so they had better stay where they are.

thanks

Hissy Sat 21-Sep-13 10:51:46

Filee, love, I people watch. As many do.

People come in all shapes and sizes, all kinds of beautiful. There are some less than photogenic peeps around who still have genuine, balanced and loving partners.

Your self esteem was wrecked, iirc, way before you started dating, iirc, you're a stately homer too aren't you?

You may think that you're not beautiful, but we can all see differently, by reading your words. Please get away from those that tell you to be grateful for them putting up with you! Stand your full height and tell them to FTFO and make space in your life to find out who you really are, and see the beautiful person you are.

That bloke in thé car was a twat, you don't need to give another second to him.

Think about it. We tell each other all the time here thatif a man treats waiting staff like shit, or is agressive and road ragey, that they are dumpworthy, and that we need to run a mile from them.

He's the ugly one love. Ugly to the core.

ElleMcFearsome Sat 21-Sep-13 10:57:51

Please go and talk to someone about raising your self esteem. I had a partner who dumped me for a tiny blond 'pocket venus because she was the kind of woman I needed to be seen with' (direct quote. It was 11 years ago and I can still remember it word for word.

I still have no full length mirrors in my house, but I now know that he's the cunt, not me. It took proper therapy to sort it. Please, for the sake of yourself and your children, try to access some help with this. thanks

Hissy Sat 21-Sep-13 10:58:59

I'm on my own too. Don't particularly want to be, but don't particularly want to do anything about it either.

I would rather be alone for the rest of eternity than be with someone who thinks I out to be grateful to be with them.

I finished with my bf of a year when he told me he didn't see a future together, but was happy to carry on because it suited him.

I literally was the best woman he's ever been with, wife included and he if he couldn't see that, then I'm wasting my time and his.

ZillionChocolate Sat 21-Sep-13 11:01:33

I disagree that you would never have found another man. You don't know.

I don't know how your face is arranged, but I do know that you sound like a good person. That is attractive. Your lack of self esteem is worrying though.

edam Sat 21-Sep-13 12:07:03

Please go and seek some counselling for your low self-esteem. Pretty please with cherries on top. You have a set of beliefs about yourself which are not accurate. Your self-judgement has been set by some pretty nasty people - the stately home ref. makes me think your family were crap, so you have (wrongly) believed bad stuff about yourself your whole life.

Please do go and get some help to get your thermostat set back to normal. It will take some work but it will help and you will start to realise you are normal and you don't have to be slavishly grateful to anyone for giving you the time of day.

filee777 Sat 21-Sep-13 12:17:00

I have tried to seek support and am on anti depressants, I've also cut out my family including my mother who made it quite clear last time I spoke to her that she doesn't believe I suffered abuse because she doesn't seem how emotional torment can be construed as abuse.

I am just about to start university and I don't think I can handle doing anything else right now, there is an onsite counsellor I can go and see so I will do that.

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