To want to get married in a pair of jeans

(33 Posts)
weddingblues3 Tue 17-Sep-13 10:08:56

My mum is terminal ill and does not have long. My partner and I have been engaged for over a year and decided that we would like to get married ASAP, so my mum will be well enough to attend.

We don't have much money so decided on Registry office, very immediate family only, followed by a meal in the High Street. A very simple, cheap as possible affair, as it has be arranged in 6 weeks.

Anyhow told my mum and dad, who then insisted on paying for cars, photographer, flowers and the meal. My dad said he would like to invite more family and make it a bigger affair and suggested an evening reception too. My mum told me to phone a nice local hotel and find out the price for meal and evening reception. I told her that would be really expensive and she said just find out the price and let us know.

I was planning on buying a very cheap simple outfit, no cars etc, just registry office, then a 5 minute walk to the meal in the High Street. However, as it was being made a more grander affair, with wedding venues and reception a wedding dress would be more appropriate (and I loved the idea too) and managed to buy a lovely (very cheap) dress.

Anyhow I found out the price and it was really expensive, so I phoned round a few more places and managed to find a really nice place for a fraction of the price and I was really excited to tell my mum and dad.

I told them yesterday, their response was almost how dare I arrange an evening affair, they couldn't possibly attend an evening function and only wanted a meal, which I was instructed must be at 1pm! They would pay for and attend a meal and if anyone wanted to do something after, then they should put their hands in their own pockets!!

I felt extremely embarrassed, upset and a bit gobsmacked. I will go back to my original plan of us paying for the meal etc, however I am now left with a wedding dress and wont be able to afford anything else. And I am going to feel a right idiot, walking down a busy high street to a normal restaurant, in a wedding dress!

AIBU to think sod it and wear my jeans?

weddingblues3 Tue 17-Sep-13 11:52:53

Yes ZZZ it is. I don't think she has forgotten what she said to me, just a change of heart. As you say maybe in the grander scheme of things, it all just seemed a bit irrelevant to her and more important things to worry about.

I have tried to include her and talk wedding arrangements with her, maybe she has seen this as being a bit insensitive of me. I will try to stick to the bare essentials from now on and as you say, thanks very kind of you, but don't want you worrying about details etc. Maybe I am expecting too much, as they obviously have enough to worry about.

My parents will get a cab there and back and my sister will be there too to keep an eye.

Thanks everyone has helped me to get things into perspective.

SunshineMMum Tue 17-Sep-13 12:00:01

I absolutely love the idea of you walking down the road in a wedding dress. I am sorry that that it is such a fraught time for you all. I wish you the very best. You get my first flowers

NomDeOrdinateur Tue 17-Sep-13 12:04:06

Wear the dress! I had to hang around in Waitrose carpark on a Saturday afternoon (hiding from my DH's bunny-boiling ex, who was working inside) while my DM popped in for more soft drinks on the way to our reception, then thought "sod it" and spent the evening sitting on the grass at an enormous free music festival with my wedding dress and tiara still on. It was fun grin.

Sorry about your family situation, though - it must be very hard for all of you sad.

zipzap Tue 17-Sep-13 12:23:58

I wonder if they have realised that it is a lot more expensive than they were expecting so embarrassed about not being able to afford to pay for as much as they thought they would?

Or they wanted you to go to the place they suggested and do what they wanted you to do for the wedding, the fact you're not maybe they feel like it's a snub - albeit completely unintended by you? Maybe she wants you just to do what they say and have complete control over it like lots of mums and mils want to do rather than just be in at the fringes so to speak - maybe she always dreamed of her dd getting married at the hotel and having a big do and her being the gracious mother of the bride hostess, doing all the things she wanted to do for her wedding but her mum didn't let her do... and if it's suddenly going to be in an inn that she doesn't know rather than the local hotel - it's the straw that breaks the camel's back and she can't cope with any of it as it's so far removed from what she has spent lots of time thinking would be your wonderful wedding...

Or if your mum is so ill and was originally thinking that it would be a way of seeing lots of people before she dies... (sorry to put it so bluntly, can't think of a nice way to say it sad) but maybe the reality of that has hit her in the last 24 hours and she's not sure that she can cope with it but doesn't want to say so because it's admitting it's another step down the road towards her end? Not saying this very well, but hopefully you get the idea.

I hope you enjoy wearing your dress on the day and have a fantastic day that everybody is happy about, particularly given the circumstances.

PedantMarina Tue 17-Sep-13 12:43:17

Walk down the street wearing a wedding dress! When are you EVER going to get another chance to do this thing? Do it, and enjoy the admiring looks! And then tell us about it, so we can live vicariously.

DIYapprentice Tue 17-Sep-13 12:51:57

Perhaps your parents thought that once you got caught up in it all, that you would suddenly change your mind about what you wanted and would suddenly be willing to pull out all stops - and pay for it yourself. So they pushed you just to make you go and have a look.

I had a friend who was insistent on just a plain simple dress, and the first time she tried a proper wedding dress on she fell in love with it and then completely changed her mind as to what sort of wedding she wanted.

TheSmallClanger Tue 17-Sep-13 12:53:07

Do what you need to do and let your parents fall in line. If you try to compromise and meet half way, it will use up vast quantities of energy, time and sanity that you sound like you need.

I think wandering around the streets in a dress is the least of your worries. It might be really good fun - get some pictures of you wandering, waving, pretending to be a member of the Royal Family, popping into Greggs, using the ATM - the possibilities are endless.

WRT your DP's outfit - what does he actually want to wear? That should be paramount. My DH did wear jeans for our wedding (very expensive fitted Diesel ones - only thing he could find that fit properly and made him feel confident). He does look a bit odd on our photos, but it doesn't matter, because he's MY skinny scruffy funny-looking DH and the memories are all good.

weddingblues3 Tue 17-Sep-13 14:46:10

Zipzap, no its not the expense at all, they are pretty well off. Its hard to explain without sounding really ungrateful. I got the impression that because they wouldn't be attending (despite telling me to look at a evening function and giving the impression beforehand that they would attend an evening function) they didn't see why they should pay for it, if they now couldn't attend.

I thought I was doing the right thing by doing this ASAP, so my mum could be there and enjoy the day and its almost as though they feel I have forced this upon them and attending is a inconvience. Its like we will attend on our terms ie registry office is booked for 12.30, meal is at 1pm, if the rest of you want to do something after, then put your hands in your own pockets.

I just felt highly embarrassed as if I was asking them to pay for something which was my idea, my expectation of them, as if the previous conversation we had with them didn't take place.

Anyhow I am sure they have their reasons, its not the change of venue or plans that I found upsetting, just their change of attitude. I feel like I have done something wrong or upset them in some way.

Thanks everyone and grin at some of your comments and experiences.

I will get over it and wear my dress smile even my eldest son said to me its not like you to worry about what you look like, cheers son, I think there was a compliment in there somewhere!

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