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DP said he was unsure of his feelings for someone else

(103 Posts)
kumamon Mon 16-Sep-13 16:52:03

We've been together about a year. Yesterday he said he had to tell me something - a girl was moving back into town who he had a fling with last year before he and I met. This had unnerved him and he phoned her so they could chat and he could see how he felt as he "wasn't sure if he had feelings for her", and he wanted to know how she felt.

The upshot is that they have agreed not to be in contact, but he told me in case we bumped into her at some point.

I'm mid-thirties, I'm not naive, I know in relationships you can still be attracted to other people - but this feels different and I am pretty shaken. He says "I didn't know where I stood with her and I had to talk to her" - if we have been together a year how can he not know where he stands with someone else?

He can't seem to understand why I feel threatened by this and just says I shouldn't. AIBU not to accept that he has checked out his feelings and says I have nothing to worry about?

MissDD1971 Tue 17-Sep-13 12:59:57

Also why would he say he was unsure of his feelings for someone else? really?

if you were to say this to him or another man for example, well you'd know there were problems etc.

and what decent man actually SAYS this and expects you to stay? he's taking for a mug.

MissDD1971 Tue 17-Sep-13 12:58:13

watch 'He's Not Into You' because he isn't.

and if he met someone else he liked more down the line, he'd be off.

kumamon Tue 17-Sep-13 12:49:19

...ice (bastard phone!) but I need to think some more.

kumamon Tue 17-Sep-13 12:47:56

Wow - thank you SO much everyone. Frankly yeah, he's just not that into me. I think I've always felt that a little. And I've been here before too, I stuck around for a crazy long time with full knowledge that my boyfriend at the time was not over his ex. I think deep down there is almost comfortable in that kind of relationship (I've read 'he's scared, she's scared)!

So - now I have to think a bit. I don't want to be second cho

MissStrawberry Tue 17-Sep-13 09:24:29

I was thinking about this thread earlier and my thought is that he has told you all this so you would be grateful that he picked you that you would be keen to show your appreciation and he could fully control you.

MistressDeeCee Tue 17-Sep-13 02:47:01

Agree re. the ' finding yourself ' aspect. A friend of a friend can't move on in life as her ex doesn't want to be with her, he says he just doesn't see her as his lifepartner. She says she needs closure otherwise she can't move on. As far as he's concerned he's said his piece. I mean, wtf? Feeling you're owed closure doesn't mean ex has to give you the closure you seek. He may, he may not.

You are lucky Kiwi, I know if my man flew across the world wanting heartsearching discussions with an ex partner I would feel the respect and appreciation balance was totally out of sync in our relationship.

OP I hope you look after yourself and don't let this guy waste any more of your time

MusicalEndorphins Tue 17-Sep-13 02:09:27

He sounds naive. It seems he wasn't over her, and to be honest, I would not want to be serious with someone unless I knew I was first choice.
After a year dating, he should know if he was crazy for you, and not have to make sure he didn't care for an ex more. What if she had said she also felt they were not finished and wanted to explore their feelings?
This would spoil the relationship for me, I could not help but feel I was a second choice. He can't help his feelings, and he isn't an evil doer or anything, but I have a feeling you were almost dumped.

StraightJacket Tue 17-Sep-13 01:30:39

Look, why would he need to find out where he stands with his ex if he loves his current partner and is happy with her? He just wouldn't. And the fact he even admitted that he doesn't know how he feels...

Every time he is late home, you are going to end up wondering if he is with the ex. Do you want to live that way? You deserve so much better than this tosser. If the ex would of had him, I am sorry, but I bet he would of jumped at the chance.

Dump his pathetic ass and don't look back. Onwards and upwards!

Another 'dump him' I'm afraid. Been there, done that, wasted too much time worrying. Looking back I should've ended it sooner.
You deserve much better than 2nd best.
Don't move in with him.
Do you have DC together ?

Morloth Tue 17-Sep-13 00:53:21

It sounds like you are his Plan B.

Fuck that.

AnyFucker Tue 17-Sep-13 00:06:44

You don't have to wait around like a spare part, while someone "finds themselves" either

Sounds like you lucked out there, kiwi

I would have been finding someone else to play with while you pissed around flying all over the planet for the sake of some ex smile

Kiwiinkits Mon 16-Sep-13 23:29:52

At the time I didn't know it was a skeleton in the closet. I was stupid. But I needed to resolve it for myself and find out for myself that I had a loving partner in front of me that was so much better.
Sometimes these things are confusing. You can't force someone to come to you - you have to let them get there by themselves.

McNewPants2013 Mon 16-Sep-13 23:05:49

Kiwi but why focus on your past when you have a loving partner in front of you.

Why take the risk of losing someone good for the sake of a Skelton in the closet.

Kiwiinkits Mon 16-Sep-13 22:59:43

in your position I'd say "you can sort out your shit with this woman darling, but you take the risk that I may not be waiting for you when you come back."

Kiwiinkits Mon 16-Sep-13 22:58:01

When DH and I had been dating for 2 years I told him I had to fly 7000 kms to see a man who I'd had 'unfinished business' with. I needed to clear the air. Basically I'd been in love with this guy and he did that chickenshit thing that chickenshit men do where they dump you without telling you.
Luckily DH had faith in me, let me go. I cleared the air with the guy (in hindsight don't know why I bothered), came home, married DH.

The lesson in all this? Sometimes needing to resolve unresolved feelings is a step toward closer commitment.

Ezio Mon 16-Sep-13 22:49:01

Oh and she decided to stay with her husband afterall.

Ezio Mon 16-Sep-13 22:48:09

You know, thats exactly how my ex got started on his EA, 8 months of misery and deceit, PND and the fact he obviously didnt give a shit about me.

OW: I've always wanted to make love to you.

EX to me: Im not sure how i feel about her.

Ex to her: I love you.

Ex to me: I've found somewhere to live.

I encouraged there friendship and he left me after i took an overdose.

Run now, while you can.

MistressDeeCee Mon 16-Sep-13 22:42:15

OP - HE phoned HER. They're not in contact as she knocked him back. Simple as that.
Smart woman.

I couldn't be asked to put up with this crap particularly for a man I'd only known for 1 year.

We truly have to read signs in life when they're in front of our noses. He's just not that into you. Whilst he can still baffle you with bullshit that he feels is intellectual speak (yawn) he'll probably hang around with you just for convenience.

Do yourself a favour. Get rid of him and keep your self-respect. You won't die for lack of him. Don't miss the chance of meeting a good lifepartner by being an option instead of a priority for some undeserving fool.

You must be very patient. I'd have slammed the door so hard into his face it'd be a miracle if he still had a nose left

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Mon 16-Sep-13 22:31:27

I could not tolerate this behaviour in my partner. Sounds like he is hedging his bets, sorry sad

AnyFucker Mon 16-Sep-13 22:26:22

OP, what are your thoughts, dude ?

pianodoodle Mon 16-Sep-13 22:25:24

He makes it sound like you've just been holding her place until she came back!

If a partner of mine needed to check "where he stood" with another woman I'd be furious.

AnyFucker Mon 16-Sep-13 22:13:57

he sounds the the worst type of pseudo-intellectual arsewipe, tbh

who the fuck does he think he is

tell him to speak The Queen's English. And then tell him to fuck off.

daisychain01 Mon 16-Sep-13 22:04:18

Reading your recent posts, kumamon, he is gas-lighting you, making out you are the one with the problem, that he cant understand what you're worrying about.

Why bother telling you the whole sorry story unless its to unnerve you and play stupid mindgames?

daisychain01 Mon 16-Sep-13 21:56:14

Tell him to absolutely get stuffed out of your life, simple as that. If a boyfriend said that to me I'd be thinking why had he contacted some random Ex when he is meant to be focussing on our relationship?

Don't give him the chance to come up with some cock n bull story, actions speak louder than words!

MrsLouisTheroux Mon 16-Sep-13 21:24:17

Angry for you OP. he went sniffing around to see if she was available. He told you incase you found out from someone else that they'd met. In his head, this makes it just an innocent meeting to catch up. I would say that the reality is that he was seeing if there was a chance they could get back together.

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