DP said he was unsure of his feelings for someone else

(103 Posts)
kumamon Mon 16-Sep-13 16:52:03

We've been together about a year. Yesterday he said he had to tell me something - a girl was moving back into town who he had a fling with last year before he and I met. This had unnerved him and he phoned her so they could chat and he could see how he felt as he "wasn't sure if he had feelings for her", and he wanted to know how she felt.

The upshot is that they have agreed not to be in contact, but he told me in case we bumped into her at some point.

I'm mid-thirties, I'm not naive, I know in relationships you can still be attracted to other people - but this feels different and I am pretty shaken. He says "I didn't know where I stood with her and I had to talk to her" - if we have been together a year how can he not know where he stands with someone else?

He can't seem to understand why I feel threatened by this and just says I shouldn't. AIBU not to accept that he has checked out his feelings and says I have nothing to worry about?

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Mon 16-Sep-13 17:36:15

I would end it with him. I can honestly say nothing dents your self esteem more than feeling second best with the person you love. Don't do that to yourself. You deserve better than that.

If he felt sure about his feelings for you he wouldn't have felt the need to contact her. He was/is effectively hedging his bets and that to me is a deal breaker. You are either in or you're out.

AnneUulmelmahay Mon 16-Sep-13 17:38:39

Och, get rid

He's openly hedging his bets

If she said mebbe he'd be off like a rat up a drainpipe

Or, he's pestered her a bit and she told him to get stuffed and he is wanting you as fallback

Git

kumamon Mon 16-Sep-13 17:41:21

He is saying it ended on "more than friends" - if anyone else can explain that in anyway other than: "it didn't end" then please for the love of god enlighten me. As all I can see is that it ended because he was in one city, she another and now she is moving here and he has to 'check how he feels'

As I am saying this to him his answer is "everyone has history"

Fairenuff Mon 16-Sep-13 17:42:52

I'd be more concerned if he hadn't told you..

Which makes one wonder why he did. I think he is worried about what she is might tell you. I think he is hiding something. How long were they broken up before you met him, could he have still been sleeping with her at the beginning of your relationship?

In any case, I agree that you should let him go.

AnneUulmelmahay Mon 16-Sep-13 17:44:38

Well I would say they were a couple and she broke it off,he still carries a torch. You need to be a bit 'wha'evva' and dump him.

Obvs we can say this, up to yeow if you do or do not.

HairyGrotter Mon 16-Sep-13 17:45:47

I'd honestly get rid, for your own sanity!

Who the fuck does he think he is? Yes, we all have a history, but that's what it is, in most cases, history! His isn't history, it's present, and he was hedging his bets on landing something he wanted.

Do your sense of self worth a favour, and leave the prick to sniff about.

NatashaBee Mon 16-Sep-13 17:45:52

As I am saying this to him his answer is "everyone has history"

it doesn't sound like this is 'history' though, as others have said - if she was available and willing, it sounds like he'd be off like a shot.

McNewPants2013 Mon 16-Sep-13 17:46:05

More than friend is possibility friends with benefits

KurriKurri Mon 16-Sep-13 17:46:53

Its not history though is it? - history is over and done with - you don't go revisiting the past hoping to rekindle it.

he is racking up quite a collection of shit behaviour isn't he?, - I'd find most annoying the fact that he is trying to say you are being unreasonable to be upset by this. Typical bastard behaviour IME.

Fairenuff Mon 16-Sep-13 17:51:45

Do you live together?

kumamon Mon 16-Sep-13 17:54:39

Fairenuff - yep they were sleeping together. Which is fine - of course that's fine, this was before me we've all got exes. But he came up with a LOT of euphemisms (e.g. "she was there for him") before he finally admitted that.

Beachyhead - thanks for your comment, this backs up what he is saying. But why should he feel like he has unfinished business - surely being with someone else for a year pretty effectively finishes any other business?

I asked why he needed to check out his feelings and why his mind wasn't at rest, he said "because it wasn't, I don't know a reason;. maybe cause it ended with us not being only friends"

He said "everyone has history" - I said, "but this isn't history this is present" his answer: "I cant understand what is it you are trying to say is wrong between us, because I talked to someone I knew before we even met "

He is not wilfully trying to upset me or play games. I do know him that well and I do trust him that much. I swear to god, he genuinely doesn't understand where I am coming from.

kumamon Mon 16-Sep-13 17:55:08

And sorry - nope we don't live together, though we have been discussing it.

AnyFucker Mon 16-Sep-13 17:55:21

I think you should consign this Fickle Fucker to history.

You don't need this kind of headfuck.

kumamon Mon 16-Sep-13 17:57:40

And I am sorry for venting at you lot - but isn't "it ended with us not being only friends" A FUCKING OXYMORON??

LimitedEditionLady Mon 16-Sep-13 17:59:02

If my partner did this then i would be seriously thinking "well,hes not sure of what WE have then" last thing i wana do is upset you but he obviously isnt settled.You deserve to be loved the way you love.

LimitedEditionLady Mon 16-Sep-13 18:01:25

Is he stupid its not talking to someone you knew before you met,hes lying to himself,he obviously thought there was unfinished business shall we say.

Fairenuff Mon 16-Sep-13 18:02:02

No, not an oxymoron, it means more than friends but not in a relationship, ie friends with benefits

RiotsNotDiets Mon 16-Sep-13 18:04:38

Agree with anyone else, dump him and be relieved that you found out that he isn't that serious about you now before you moved in with him.

MammaTJ Mon 16-Sep-13 18:05:01

I wouldn't discuss it with him any more, or indeed anything else. Whatever reasons their relationship ended, he still wanted and indeed wants it to continue. He rang her, tried to get back together and is trying to stay with you even though he thinks of you as second best.

You deserve so much more than that.

It is not just because he talked to someone he knew before you met, it is because he wasn't sure if he had feelings for her, and he wanted to know how she felt. If he didn't still have feelings for her himself, stronger than the ones he has for you, he would not need to know how she felt.

Officershitty Mon 16-Sep-13 18:07:36

It might be best to go your separate ways. Then you will give yourself a chance to meet someone who wants you above anyone else. Nothing is certain in life, but he has sown the seeds of doubt in your mind.

LimitedEditionLady Mon 16-Sep-13 18:09:51

What dya think youll do next OP?

meditrina Mon 16-Sep-13 18:13:17

I think his story just doesn't add up.

How did he know she was back? What are the chances they've been in touch all along? Is it possible he told you as the first elements of a cover story? How long until he's telling you he bumped into her, had coffee, had a drink, had dinner etc?

I'd say he's not over her. Will he be trying to win her back? Is she in a new relationship, and if so is her OH coming with her, or might your DP be seeing an opportunity to weaken a LTR?

sarascompact Mon 16-Sep-13 18:13:23

As you don't live together and he's already showing signs of being fickle and making you feel insecure the simple solution is to treat him as you would a teen dalliance. He's only a boyfriend, not a partner and not partner material. If I were you I'd dump him.

TalkativeJim Mon 16-Sep-13 18:16:23

No, I think it's quite clear - he means that it ended because of circumstances - ie long distance - rather than they chose to end it because they were sick of each other. So, at the end of the relationship they were still 'into' each other and there were regrets. They were therefore (in his eyes only???) still 'more than friends'.

Which basically translates as he's still interested in her. And he realises now that that's effectively what he said, and he's backtracking faster than a fast backtracky thing!!

Just dump.

TalkativeJim Mon 16-Sep-13 18:17:52

But why should he feel like he has unfinished business - surely being with someone else for a year pretty effectively finishes any other business?

Yes, it does if you're genuinely committed to that person.

If you're a slightly fickle shit with one eye on the door and a 'never say never' attitude to cheating, no, it doesn't.

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