A moan

(117 Posts)
coppered Sat 14-Sep-13 08:30:34

Just wanted a moan and ask if other DH are like this?
We've got a little 6 month old. Which I stay at home and look after and DH goes out to work. Which he works hard, but he thinks I sit a round all day doing nothing. But little man seems to take up my who day.
What my DH moans about is when he comes home I should Have cooked the tea. Which I don't really get chance very often with little man.
But DH has never had to change a nappy, give little one a bath. He sleeps in a different room so not woken up at night. Which I don't moan at all to him. All though i think it wrong him not sleeping in the bed. So why is he a wanker and moans to me thinking he does everything. Forgot to add when DH has cooked tea he has a little play with little man then falls asleep in chair. He also moans about how hard he works! confused

mumofboyo Sat 14-Sep-13 20:18:27

When do you have a day, nay, an hour of rest? As I said in my 1st post, if I were you, I'd take the day off, without asking or preparing anything. Just go. For an afternoon as they're normally more stressful. See how well your partner copes and if you have a dinner ready to come home to.
He needs to realise exactly how difficult it is looking after needy children all day. Yes he's at work, but he gets regular breaks, drinks, lunch, toilet trips etc. All of which are built into the day. And he more than likely isn't harassed when doing any of the above.

As an aside, if you're struggling to find time to prepare meals for yourself, make a packed lunch the night before or buy in cheap, quick snack meals so you can just grab something during the day.
Get a slow cooker, as has already been mentioned, and make big meals such as chilli, curry, stew etc quickly with relatively little prep. Then you have enough for all 3 of you for 2 days.

Viviennemary Sat 14-Sep-13 20:26:37

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to expect his tea to be cooked most days.

pianodoodle Sat 14-Sep-13 20:27:13

At 6 months sometimes a breastfeed was inevitable for whatever reason at the time I'd normally make dinner! It takes time to adjust and find the best way of getting things done and even then it doesn't always goes to plan.

I find people who say "how hard can it be?" to either be very forgetful, have a very obliging baby or just plain smug and unhelpful tbh.

The real point here is not whether dinner gets done by the OP every night but whether she is unreasonable to be cross that her DH moans if it isn't done yet doesn't do enough to help when they're both at home. He is being unreasonable.

pianodoodle Sat 14-Sep-13 20:29:47

FWIW my DH's reply to me mentioning your husband's expectations was "really? What a knob end!"

ThePuffyShirt Sat 14-Sep-13 20:44:40

I don't think it is a big ask for you to prepare or cook dinner.

But if you have had a hard day within your 'Little man' (bleurgh), your OH should understand.

Has he really never changed a nappy or given him a bath? That is odd.

purrpurr Sat 14-Sep-13 20:45:06

Crikey, some proper characters on this thread.

jeanmiguelfangio Sat 14-Sep-13 21:56:40

my DH is a shift worker so he is home in the evening for probably only half the month. When he gets in, he gets changed and is handed a baby. He takes over and I cook for all three of us. I have a 6 month old pfb too and she is a nightmare and constantly needs entertainment, not do I have a huge kitchen to be able to take her in with me. I rely on frozen things and quick cook things from fresh (fajitas etc) that way it is not that long from him getting in and dinner.
On the other hand, my DH starts work at midday this week and he gets up with DD in the morning, lets me have a lay in and spends time with her because otherwise he wouldn't see her for three/four days straight. He also does half of everything. It started this way because i have PND and found it very hard to cope, and get into a routine myself. he is an absolute star. he takes her to bounce amd rhyme too at the library, thats their special time, and they both adore it. Yes some days it's rough and I CBA but that night is for the kebab shop!!!!

audweb Sat 14-Sep-13 22:23:53

I have a 7 month old and a partner that works full time shifts. There is no expectation that I should have dinner ready for him, and it's a matter of give and take - he leaves his job at the end of the day, and although he does need some 'downtime' for a short while, so does the OP. My partner cooks the most - but he also manages to change nappies/give baths occasionally, but he doesn't do nights as I BF. I do most of the cleaning, and shopping, and cook sometimes, but sometimes it's hard, and as the day goes on, I sometimes don't manage to cook until she has gone to bed. I think his expectations are way off, and it's a two way street - a grown man should be able to help out in whatever way he can.

Akray Sun 15-Sep-13 13:06:28

OP / Ledkr ~ did not at all mean to sound patronising but am genuinely surprised that a SAHM with 1DC can't have a meal organised. Perhaps DH expects a gourmet 3 course meal? That is where I am failing ~ I regularly just do a 'slow cooker' meal, bowls of pasta etc which can be prepared anytime during the day (when DC are sleeping /quiet). I honestly wouldn't expect my DH to have been out working all day and to then cook an evening meal, although it is a treat if he does smile

DameFanny Sun 15-Sep-13 13:44:45

Akray - so when you worked full time who cooked for you?

RobotHamster Sun 15-Sep-13 14:54:52

This thread isnt about whether its possible to get an evening meal organised while you're looking after a 6mo. Its about being expected to. Big bloody difference.

DP would never be like this. If he came home and dinner wasn't sorted he'd assume i'd had a bad day or something and cook something himself or sort a takeaway.

RobotHamster Sun 15-Sep-13 15:01:18

This is reminding me of a discussion our NCT group had while we were all still on mat leave. The others were all happy doing absolutely everything at home and were astounded when I said DP did cooking, nappy changing and night feeds. I that we shared most household jobs and they looked at me in horror. It hadn't occured to them at all... Very weird.

Granted,DS was a very difficult baby and very very hard work.. maybe they had sleeping children who were happy to just lie in the pram while they baked cakes.

Ledkr Sun 15-Sep-13 15:32:29

I agree robot you just do what you can when you can, no expectation on either side.
I will never feel responsible for feeding a grown man.

RobotHamster Sun 15-Sep-13 16:10:25

I do have very high expectations of DP, but more than I expect support and understanding.

I'm not saying that OP shouldn't cook/clean/whatever. I'm saying that being on mat leave doesn't automatically make you someone else's skivvy just because they have a full time job.
(let's leave aside the fact that being at work all day is often easier than being at home all day with a 6mo - esp when its your first)

RobotHamster Sun 15-Sep-13 16:11:18

*that I expect

SubliminalMassaging Sun 15-Sep-13 16:15:27

I have been a SAHM with three children. It was never so bad that I couldn't cobble something together for an evening meal for goodness sake. If this is too hard for you, just wait until you've got a toddler and a new baby. I know as exhausting as it was on some days there were other days where I fannied around on my arse all day. It's a perk of an otherwise difficult and tedious job.

Come on, get a grip, you can't expect him to come in after a day at work and cook dinner when you've been there all day - even when babies are awake it is ok to put them down so you can use your arms, you know! Start to plan your meals a bit better and batch cook for the freezer, in anticipation of the occasional tough day.

RobotHamster Sun 15-Sep-13 16:17:24

Oh ny god.. that isn't the point! Argh!

Thurlow Sun 15-Sep-13 16:18:40

Seems simple to me - your DP thinks you should have done more around the house because he doesn't know what it's like being at home all day with a baby.

Your both parents now. You both work, you both need a bit of time off. If your baby isn't one that is happy for you to put him down and get on with things then he is just as hard work as your DH's job.

If you don't make or let him see that then he's not going to magically understand that.

6 months and he's never had a day's holiday and been in during the day to change nappies?

RobotHamster Sun 15-Sep-13 16:22:46

"If you don't make or let him see that then he's not going to magically understand that."

Very good point. He probably doesn't have a clue.

Thurlow Sun 15-Sep-13 16:26:00

Before I had a baby I thought they'd just lie their cooing to themselves and you could get loads done grin

I honestly don't think it is rocket science and I find it so sad that so many women, whether consciously or unconsciously, slip into this pattern of doing everything with and for the baby, and the man gets a pass.

pianodoodle Sun 15-Sep-13 16:31:04

This thread isnt about whether its possible to get an evening meal organised while you're looking after a 6mo. Its about being expected to. Big bloody difference

Exactly. Adding in the fact that he doesn't do much to help makes his expectation even less fair.

Ledkr Sun 15-Sep-13 16:35:30

Come on, get a grip, you can't expect him to come in after a day at work and cook dinner!
Erm am I missing something? What would he do if he wasn't married? What do single people do after a day at work?
Why I was a single parent and used to cook for give after a 12 hr shift, working doesn't render you incapable if doing anything else!
Anyway,the ops dh does nothing to make her life any easier after a hard day and night with their baby so why should she be doing it for him?

Ledkr Sun 15-Sep-13 16:37:48

Sorry the first two lines were a quote from subliminal
Not my own words (thank god)

pianodoodle Sun 15-Sep-13 16:39:10

Come on, get a grip, you can't expect him to come in after a day at work and cook dinner when you've been there all day

grin Wow someone had you well trained! I wouldn't feel so smug in that position. Poor DH soo tired from slogging his guts out all day he can't possibly move another muscle.

I think you need to take that grip back for yourself smile

Ledkr Sun 15-Sep-13 16:41:32

piano you do know that wasn't me who said that don't you? As if?

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