To get pissed off with folk who say they can't afford to get married?

(245 Posts)
MmmmWhiteWine Wed 11-Sep-13 23:37:14

I have a friend who has been with her fiancé for ~10 years. They have 2 children together and seem v happy together. But she is always going on about how she wishes they could get married but they just can't afford it. However her idea of a wedding seems to be a massive, formal do, stag and hen abroad etc, etc.....just a massive expense really.

AIBU (and really old fashioned) to think that weddings don't need to cost a king's ransom and that they shouldn't be using finances as the excuse why they "can't" get married?

Congratulations Queen thanks

Congratulations Queen thanks

Congratulations Queen thanks

Congratulations Queen thanks

Congratulations Queen thanks

Bum!

DameDeepRedBetty Thu 12-Sep-13 01:04:57

Congratulations from me too Queen, although hopefully not as often as WeileWeileWaile

I too have been 'engaged' for approximately 17 years now. Although mostly for tax reasons....

MummyBeerest Thu 12-Sep-13 01:11:20

Oh! Damn slow typing. ..congratulations Queen!

GoshAnneGorilla Thu 12-Sep-13 01:17:26

YANBU. I cannot understand why people are so fixated over big weddings, it's marriage that is the important bit.

BraveLilBear Thu 12-Sep-13 04:06:43

Marriage is much more important than a wedding. But part of a wedding is asking those present to help support the marriage- which is just as it should be.

Yes you can get married on a shoestring, but many people believe in doing it the once, and doing it properly.

It may wrong for families to force expectations on couples, but often the expectation comes in the form ofexpecting an invite. When big families are involved the pressure is immense. And frankly it wouldn't feel right for us to get married without having our large families present.

Even ruling out anything fancy it will take us a couple of years to be able to afford a modest wedding.

YABU. But I can see how it would be annoying to keep hearing someone whinge about it.

CairngormsClydesdale Thu 12-Sep-13 05:18:04

YANBU.

"Doing it properly" means spending xk? hmm Oh the humanity!

Mind you OP, some people are just dumb as rocks. I once new a chap who said condoms were too expensive. Guess how that one ended!

frogspoon Thu 12-Sep-13 06:05:18

YABU to judge them on their life decisions.

But if they moan about them all the time YANBU to get annoyed by the moaning.

SubliminalMassaging Thu 12-Sep-13 06:16:17

YANBU. and I don't understand all this living together and having a couple of kids first and then having a huge white wedding a few years later. confused

MammaTJ Thu 12-Sep-13 06:23:05

YANBU. and I don't understand all this living together and having a couple of kids first and then having a huge white wedding a few years later.

Luckily for you, I'm not asking you to understand it! My life is not your business! grin

BoneyBackJefferson Thu 12-Sep-13 06:52:09

You would think that with the MiL. Childfree, have to invite my DNephews/Nieces, Family I haven't seen for X years, Estranged parents, Bride/guestzilla, didn't tell anyone we got married wedding threads on here. Posters would understand that organising a wedding/getting married to suit yourself is really quite difficult.

RafflesWay Thu 12-Sep-13 06:56:59

DNBU! As many others have said, if they TRULY want to marry then how does money come into it as it costs peanuts for a quick Registry Office ceremony. Also I know I will be flamed but I totally disagree with unmarried couples having children. I was the product of an unmarried couple who split when I was under 5. Mother went on to marry someone else shortly afterwards. They had 2 children of their own - no contact with my "father" - and I was most definitely the odd one out. I left home at 15 and haven't had any contact with my "family" for nearly 30 years. I have struggled with very low self esteem all my life. My dd - who unfortunately has SLD - is the most secure and confident person you will ever meet, despite her difficulties. DH and I were married 15 years before she was born and still blissfully happy after 35 years. I totally agree both my "parents" were crap - stepfather even worse - but children of married parents have a so much better and secure platform for life even where there is divorce later at least the children are better protected both emotionally and financially.

BraveLilBear Thu 12-Sep-13 07:44:23

Raffles I'm sorry about your experiences. It's not always that straightforward though. My DP and I met when we were 30. Quite soon we realised we wanted to commit to each other and started looking at getting married. However when we realised that we would need to save up for years to afford a wedding we decided to have children first because at aged over 30, we didn't know if our fertility would be affected.

DS was born 7weeks ago. We're planning to marry in 2 years or so.

soontobeburns Thu 12-Sep-13 07:54:10

Against the grain YABU.

I cant afford to get Married. Yes I could afford the wedding and all I want is an in and out job and would do it tomorrow if I could.....but I cant afford to be married.

Im working nmw and he isnt and we both live at home. So yes we could get married but we would have nowhere to live as we can't afford rent. I dont wanna get married and not live together in our own place.

flowery Thu 12-Sep-13 07:58:58

" I was the product of an unmarried couple who split when I was under 5. Mother went on to marry someone else shortly afterwards. They had 2 children of their own - no contact with my "father" - and I was most definitely the odd one out."

Sounds like you had a rough time, but do you honestly think none of that would have happened if your parents had been married?

I do struggle to understand why people get engaged to be married if they have no intention of actually getting married.

RafflesWay Thu 12-Sep-13 08:06:51

I hear what you are saying Brave but what you need to save for is the big wedding day. It is just my opinion but if I was in your situation I would have a quick registry office ceremony now and have the big wedding once you can afford to. That would offer your baby much more security believe me but I know people nowadays just think I am an out of touch old woman. Many congrats on the recent birth of your lovely DS Brave and whatever happens in the future never let anyone treat your darling boy as second best. I have been incredibly lucky as I escaped an extremely toxic and damaging situation and met the most fantastic man but I see so many others who have had similar backgrounds to me who haven't been so fortunate and they are the ones I feel deeply for.

PartyOrganisor Thu 12-Sep-13 08:08:28

I would also say that in the UK, I would always be married if you have children, mainly because you are much better protected by the law (and your dcs too).

soon it is a different situation though isn't it? The Op is talking about a couple living together under the same roof, who have 2 dcs already.

Yes what it means is they can't have the big party they would like. But it does bear the question on whether they would be getting married for the marriage or for the party if they were to have the money to do it.

reggiebean Thu 12-Sep-13 08:12:42

YABU. It (should be) a once-in-a-lifetime event, and if you want a big do, that's your right. Yes, you can technically get married for very little, but many people want their family and friends as part of that day, so it's not unreasonable to save up for it and put it off until you can have what you want.

However, if they're not actually saving towards it and just moaning about it, then YANBU. grin

ImpatientOne Thu 12-Sep-13 08:12:44

YANBU and I agree with the other posters differentiating between marriage & a wedding.

I honestly think waiting/saving for a huge expensive wedding puts more pressure on people to have some perfect fairy tale event which is so stressful you can completely loose the meaning.

On numerous occasions when planning our wedding I was asked about our food, dresses, hotel etc. but very rarely were people interested in the actual ceremony plans. I find it sad that the ceremony can feel like the most insignificant part & something to 'get through' to get to the booze, food & presents...

PartyOrganisor Thu 12-Sep-13 08:13:11

Yes agree with Raffles too. You can separate the 'legal side of things' with a marriage at the registry office and the 'party side of things' to do later on.

When O got married, we had litttle money. We got married on a shoe string (I mean a lot of the things we did were on a 'swap basis'. You do the catering, we will do X for you type of things). We had family around and a small wedding. The important bit was the marriage not the party.

soontobeburns Thu 12-Sep-13 08:13:49

Yes PartyOrganisor I suppose it is. Just my own annoyance that we cant ger married ourselves. I suppose thinking about in context of the op YANBU but devils advocate here grin

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now