DP, EXH and Christmas

(156 Posts)
NachoAddict Wed 11-Sep-13 08:42:05

This could be long and I am in work so I may not reply quickly so I will put in as much as I can to cover any questions...

EXH and I seperated almost 3 years ago just before christmas. This coming christmas will be the forth since we split. We were together seven years but it was a stormy relationship due to domestic violence from him to me. Regardless the state of our relationship at the time we always managed to spend christmas together with the kids, including the first one after we split.

I moved DP in with us very quickly so the second christmas after EXH and I seperated DP was there. He refused point blank to let EXH come round on christmas day as it was the first time he had had his DD overnight on christmas eve. This caused a lot of problems between EXH and I, he was not happy that he didnt see the kids untill boxing day.

Last year EXH put his foot down and said since I had the kids the previous year he was taking them for dinner and over night. I still had christmas morning with them until 11am but the rest of the day was terrible for me. I missed them so much. we also only had DSD for an hour or two last year.

This year EXH has said that he would like to come round on christmas morning and watch the kids open their presents and spend an hour or two with them before leaving us to get on with the day.

I don't think that is unreasonable, I think the kids would love it (8 & 5) and that as grown ups we should be able to manage a couple of hours in each others company for their sake.

We don't know when we will be having DSD this year as her mum hasn't decided yet.

I have spent lots of time with DP's ex for the sake of keeping relations easy. we have many times eaten a meal together at MILs etc.

Would I be unreasonable to expect DP to allow EXH a couple of hours with his kids on christmas morning?

He doesn't get to 'allow' it - it's your house too.

Where is step daughter this year?

DontmindifIdo Wed 11-Sep-13 08:51:44

Not your DPs decision. He sounds like an arse. Inform your DP your exH is coming over, he can go elsewhere if he doesn't like it.

NachoAddict Wed 11-Sep-13 08:52:08

We're not sure yet Laurie, DP's Ex is avoiding the issue but she had a baby with her new partner this year so I suspect they will want to spend their first christmas together. I am assuming we might get her christmas evening.

Unexpected Wed 11-Sep-13 08:52:09

No you wouldn't be unreasonable and your DP needs to remember that you are the three grown-ups here and you should all be trying to do what is best for your children (yours and his). Have you discussed this year's arrangements with your dp? Do you think he will still refuse to have dh in the house? I think he is the one who needs to be the bigger person here.

Hegsy Wed 11-Sep-13 08:53:35

YANBU, its not down toyour DP to 'allow' anything this is about your children. If he's not happy he can stay in his room or go out. WHats best for your children comes first.

somersethouse Wed 11-Sep-13 08:56:25

It sounds perfect that he comes round in the morning to watch his children open presents. YANBU at all.

Your DP has to remember this is about the children. You sound very accomodating towards everyones needs to be honest.

NachoAddict Wed 11-Sep-13 08:56:32

I thought you were all going to come on and tell me that I was being unreaonable thinking about having the EX round for christmas morning. I am glad you didn't.

I've not broached it with DP yet as I wanted some impartial views first.

raisah Wed 11-Sep-13 08:59:13

Do you think it is the domestic violence issue that is influencing his refusal to allow your ex over? You seem to have accepted that your relationship is over & are keen to maintain a civil relationship for the sake of your kids. Your dp needs to grow up a bit aswell.

wannaBe Wed 11-Sep-13 09:00:16

no yanbu at all. Your dp needs to grow up. when you get involved with someone who has kids that means there is also an ex who needs to be considered. Clearly you have made these allowances for his ex, so the same applies here too IMO.

somersethouse Wed 11-Sep-13 09:01:05

Crack open a bottle of fizz and a bowl of olives or something and for two hours concéntrate on the children, as you have both moved on it should be possible. Could also be a new tradition. Shame DSD can't come too.

I know it is hard though smile

NachoAddict Wed 11-Sep-13 09:07:43

I don't think the domestic violence plays a part in it, I think DP and EXH just don't like each other. Well they don't have to, a cheery smile and a hello merry christmas is all I am asking for. Then EX can play with the kids, see their excitement, they won't be children long after all!

DSD will be very missed but if we don't make a fuss and let them enjoy their first christmas this year then she is more likely to be generous with the time we can have next year. It's all give and take and I am hoping we will get to see her for the evening/overnight at least.

Ezio Wed 11-Sep-13 09:10:53

Your DP needs to accept that maybe your DC's will wont their dad there.

If you are accepting of his ex, then he should be of yours, regardless of what went on, you've obviously moved on from that.

Lampshadeofdoom Wed 11-Sep-13 09:21:46

Yanbu.
If you can be grown up enough to have your ex there then he should also.

Your DP must know how your Ex feels as he has a child too - tell DP to stay in bed and have a lie in with a cuppa and a bacon sarnie for the couple of hours your Ex is round to see the children.
Use the phrase "be the bigger man" wink

NachoAddict Wed 11-Sep-13 09:24:20

Pom I like your style.. Be the bigger man will indeed be trotted out. Nothing like a bit opf gentle manipulaton grin

PoppyFleur Wed 11-Sep-13 09:26:56

YANBU in fact I think you sound like a very good mum for putting the best interests of your DC at the heart of your decisions.

It cannot have been easy to remain cordial with ExH after abusive relationship. Your DP should respect your decisions & follow suite.

HangingGardenofBabbysBum Wed 11-Sep-13 09:28:36

I don't think that is unreasonable, I think the kids would love it (8 & 5) and that as grown ups we should be able to manage a couple of hours in each others company for their sake.

Good for you. It's entirely about the children and any adults who cannot put themselves second on Christmas morning should get coal in their stockings.

The kids will love it, and it will mean the world to them having everyone there.

Just assume your OH feels the same way about making it a time for the children, then maybe have a couple of days away allne afterwards so he knows he gets you to himself too. Shame more people can't be as sensible and big-hearted as you. I wish you a happy day!

PrimalLass Wed 11-Sep-13 09:31:01

Can't you send your DP round to his ex's house to watch his daughter open her presents too?

NachoAddict Wed 11-Sep-13 09:37:57

Primal he wouldn't want to, he can't stand his ex and would rather just wait and see her later on. We have spent a lot of time with her but usually at his mums, not through his choice iyswim, I will suggest it though.

Thanks for all of your replies, I think mumsnet is good for getting perspective as being in a situation can squew your vision at times!

Dawndonnaagain Wed 11-Sep-13 09:49:13

We had exh for Christmas dinner the year both his parents died within a couple of weeks of each other, just before Christmas.

NachoAddict Wed 11-Sep-13 09:57:35

Your poor ex DawnDonna what an awful thing to happen anytime but just before christmas too. Glad he had you for support.

BlackeyedSusan Wed 11-Sep-13 10:06:20

if ex wants to come round, and you ant ex to come round, so you both get the children on christmas day, I would go with that. AS LONG AS YOU ARE SAFE.

PorkPieandPickle Wed 11-Sep-13 10:07:43

I disagree actually, sounds like a bit of an unhealthy thing to do given the age of your children, it could confuse them with the blurred boundaries. Your children need to see two different family units. It's also disrespectful to your DP and DSD, it is their home and their xmas too, so yes, he should have a say actually. If this was a man 'laying down the law' that his XP should be allowed into the family home on Xmas day there would be different reactions, I'm sure.

Is it really for the benefit of the kids? Your OP suggests its now for your benefit when you say about last year "The rest of the day was terrible for me. I missed them so much".

I grew up in two separate family units, I had two Xmas days every year, Xmas day with mum and family, then boxing day with dad and family, then vice versa the next year- it was our thing, and we all loved it!! We do the same thing with DSS now, and he loves it too!!

I would consider alternatives to be honest. Things change when break ups happen, and Xmas is a major one!

DaddyPigsMistress Wed 11-Sep-13 10:07:53

Yanbu do it for the kids.
We have the stepsons mum and gran round 8-10 for breakfast otherwise they wouldnt bother seeing dss till his contact hours after the christmas holidays.

Dp really cannot stand the pair of them but it means alot to his son so we suck it up,paint on smiles and crack on with it.
We have a dog so if things do get abit tense I send him out for a long walk

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