Wibu to send him a card in prison?

(81 Posts)
HerrenaHarridan Tue 10-Sep-13 21:53:14

Obviously there's a massive back story but ill just attempt to give enough info to inform your opinion.

Ex has just been remanded in custody to await trial. He's in for smashing the window on my new single mum house and 4 other charges relating to incidents that night.

Dd is 19 mo and has been having soaridic contact (2hrs a week at a centre) since we split. I am absolutely certain that she enjoys seeing him as she always points the way when we get off the bus and has started to cry when it's time to go.

It has been suggested that I 'help' dd make a card for him and send it to him with a photo.

IF, IF, IF I were to do this my terms would be that someone else 'help' her with the card AND write on the envelope (because its bloody well not from me!) and I will see to it that a photo goes in and it gets posted.
This is basically what happened for Father's Day except I sent her to contact with it.

So please either flame me for not wanting to do it (because he will think its from me?) or give me something to defend my decision with.

HerrenaHarridan Tue 10-Sep-13 21:55:03

Soaradic is clearly not a word. Sporadic. And 2hrs is what it's is supposed to be actually he has attended just over half (and been late for the rest hmm)

ILetHimKeep20Quid Tue 10-Sep-13 21:55:08

For his birthday?

LeoTheLateBloomer Tue 10-Sep-13 21:56:18

Who suggested it, why and how long is he likely to be in prison.

Personally I would dream of doing it. Can't think of an acceptable reason at the moment though.

LeoTheLateBloomer Tue 10-Sep-13 21:56:39

Sorry, forgot the ?

HerrenaHarridan Tue 10-Sep-13 21:57:24

Duh! Sorry, yes it's for his birthday. blush

parakeet Tue 10-Sep-13 22:00:06

YABU to even think about making him a card - for whatever reason.

Whoever suggested this to you, don't bother explaining your reasons why you won't be doing this, or even engaging in any conversation with them. They're clearly beyond all rational discussion.

wheretoyougonow Tue 10-Sep-13 22:00:46

Honestly - I wouldn't do it. I wonder if he would help your daughter make one for mothers day etc. I highly doubt it. Maybe he should have thought about that before he put a brick through your window hmm

LeoTheLateBloomer Tue 10-Sep-13 22:01:09

Bollocks. I wouldn't dream.

<gives up>

HerrenaHarridan Tue 10-Sep-13 22:01:18

My mum confused

That's kind the problem, I can't quite quantify why I'm so uncomfortable about it beyond I feel like he will think its from me since she's not old enough to request to do it

My mums argument is if she could ask and knew it was his birthday she would want to do it and in years to come I should be able to say I facilitated that (the 4hr round trip to the contact centre not being enough to prove it have facilitated co tact with him)

ILetHimKeep20Quid Tue 10-Sep-13 22:01:33

That helps! Yes, for his birthday I think that's fine.

WhoNickedMyName Tue 10-Sep-13 22:01:38

He's in prison for smashing the window on your new house. Where was his DD at the time?

And no, would I hell be involved at all in sending him a card. Which cheeky fucker suggested this to you?

olgaga Tue 10-Sep-13 22:02:15

It's not up to you or your toddler to maintain contact! In the circumstances you describe I dont understand why you would even be thinking about it.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Tue 10-Sep-13 22:02:48

Has it been suggested by some kind of Family services OP? Personally I would do it if the child were older....but she is so young that it will only benefit your ex...not your DD.

When she's 4 or 5 and he has proved himself sensible then he might get a card yes?

thebody Tue 10-Sep-13 22:03:45

what's a single mums house??

Madlizzy Tue 10-Sep-13 22:03:50

In your position, I'd not send one. He can have the position of father when he shows he's capable of being one.

PoppadomPreach Tue 10-Sep-13 22:03:57

I don't think he deserves it. And a 19 month old is not going to appreciate any "significance" it has. Whomever suggested this to you is clearly trying to look out for your violent exDP.

Once he's a free man, let him make the effort with his daughter. You focus on her - not him!

Hope you are left in peace in your new home, OP - sorry you have had to experience a clearly very disturbing incident.

UniS Tue 10-Sep-13 22:04:29

would your mum help her make a card? If so, I think take her up on the offer.

Dont bother. When dd is old enough to want to make him a card, she can do it.

Catsize Tue 10-Sep-13 22:05:23

Don't do it for the very simple reason that it will be used by the defence to say you are making contact and he isn't etc. It will make it look like all is forgiven or you want to rekindle.

HerrenaHarridan Tue 10-Sep-13 22:06:20

What a relief!

Yes if she was older and she had asked I would facilitate her doing it ( although I can't promise I would be pointing out to her when his birthday was) but at this age surely he would just interpret that as being from me

Elsiequadrille Tue 10-Sep-13 22:06:45

No, I really wouldn't bother.

WhoNickedMyName Tue 10-Sep-13 22:06:57

I wonder what the backstory is?

From the window smashing incident, I'll guess he's a violent aggressive bully and you've finally seen the light.

I'll also take a punt and say that your mums apologist/condoning attitude probably has something to do with why you've put up with him for so long?

TalkativeJim Tue 10-Sep-13 22:08:27

So he smashed the window of his daughter's house too, yes?

Did he know for definite her bed wasn't beneath it/he might have sent broken glass into her toys/cot/playpen?

No I wouldn't send him a card 'from' your daughter; unfortunately it sounds as if he has her best interests nowhere near his heart, so bugger that.

And tell your mum to keep her nose out!

WorraLiberty Tue 10-Sep-13 22:08:38

Fuck that, what a ridiculous idea.

Babies can't make cards anyway because they're babies.

It would be different if the child was old enough to ask to make one and needed some help.

Stay well out of it and tell your Mum to do the same.

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